To not want this family member around my DC?

[Almostdue94]

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

I'd think about having mum at the cs to support you and your husband stay at home with the children.

[QueenBee52]

@PaolaDiLorenzo

Thanks QueenBee52 I was a bit miffed at the time though,as he pulled my epidural out as he hit the floor and I had to go through having another one put in.

omg 😱😳

[QueenBee52]

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I'd think about having mum at the cs to support you and your husband stay at home with the children.

oh that's a nice option...

what about the aunt though 🌸

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

She can more easily be kept out of both hospital and home.

[Almostdue94]

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

She can more easily be kept out of both hospital and home.

How so?

[SmileyClare]

It sounds so difficult all round. Do you think your mum would be a good birth partner? That's a reasonable solution.

If you live fairly close to the hospital, perhaps it would be possible for your mum to go home after the birth, take over looking after the dc so your husband can visit you in hospital?

I understand your concern. The last thing you need is to be lying in hospital worrying about what's happening at home.

[Almostdue94]

@SmileyClare

It sounds so difficult all round. Do you think your mum would be a good birth partner? That's a reasonable solution.

If you live fairly close to the hospital, perhaps it would be possible for your mum to go home after the birth, take over looking after the dc so your husband can visit you in hospital?

I understand your concern. The last thing you need is to be lying in hospital worrying about what's happening at home.

Honestly, I don't think she would make the best birthing partner no. She's not good with blood and stuff

She would be better than nobody though for sure.

I'm 60 mins from the hospital via 2 busses, or 35 mins by taxi. I'm leaning toward getting a taxi as I need to be there for 7am.

Yes I definitely won't be able to relax if I have to worry about what's going on at home.

[TurnUpTurnip]

I read your other post if you are the same person and no there is no way you can have her around

[gardeninggirl68]

you can't ask your mum for help....she has enough on her plate with her mentally unwell sister

don't even put her in that position!!

[Almostdue94]

@TurnUpTurnip

I read your other post if you are the same person and no there is no way you can have her around

Yes I posted in MH just the other day so I'm sure I am the poster you're thinking of.

I agree completely.

[Almostdue94]

@gardeninggirl68

you can't ask your mum for help....she has enough on her plate with her mentally unwell sister

don't even put her in that position!!

It was always going to be mum who has the children when I have the section, we discussed and planned it atleast 6 months ago.

I'm not putting her in any difficult position, it's her sister who's chosen to come off her meds again as she does every time i have something important going on and mum's attention needs to be diverted or divided elsewhere

It's me who has been put in a difficult position.

[Almostdue94]

Sorry, I probably sound quite selfish in my last post.

This is the one single time I have wanted to be put first by my own mum. I don't think it's too much to ask of my DM to mind her DGC for the day, even though my aunt said that it was

For the record mum wants to have them. She doesn't feel put out at all. She said from the word go that it won't be a problem and she wants to help.

[gardeninggirl68]

well its changed now. so your mum is out of the equation

maybe she was never really on board with it when it was discussed 6 months ago anyway. her priorities have now changed a bit.

[Almostdue94]

@gardeninggirl68

well its changed now. so your mum is out of the equation

maybe she was never really on board with it when it was discussed 6 months ago anyway. her priorities have now changed a bit.

What are you on about? Why wouldn't she be on board when it was discussed months ago? She offered for fuck sake.

Why does a sister who conveniently stops her meds every time somebody has something important going on, trump, a daughter who's having major surgery?

I would never put my Dbro before my children and there's no suggestion that my DM is putting her sister before me.

That's entirely your assumption and conclusion.

[GrolliffetheDragon]

@gardeninggirl68

you can't ask your mum for help....she has enough on her plate with her mentally unwell sister

don't even put her in that position!!

But the OP is her daughter who has PTSD from a previous birth.

I love my sister, but my child's welfare would come first.

[Almostdue94]

Thank you Grol, how ridiculous is that poster.

[Winniemarysarah]

@gardeninggirl68

you can't ask your mum for help....she has enough on her plate with her mentally unwell sister

don't even put her in that position!!

It doesn’t sound like she’s doing much from what the op has said. Just that she’s coming out with bizarre dark thoughts, it doesn’t seem like the aunt is requiring round the clock care or any physical help with anything.
Op could you not just be straight with your mum and ask her not to come round with your aunt? You’re reasons are reasonable, and like you said, it’s not her fault she’s come of her meds and your mums turning a blind eye. Would your mum not refuse her if you give her clear instruction not to let her in?
Also if it comes to it, if you could give us your rough area then I’m sure someone will know of some suitable (cheaper) childcare. I’m in the north west and had to look at babysitters online today as I’m away next month with no childcare, people are generally charging between £10-£15 an hour for my 2 primary age children. I had my reservations leaving my children with someone I’d never met, but discovered a lady less than half a mile of my house who has received 475 bookings through this website and had a 5 star review for every one!

[StrawBeretMoose]

That fact that your mum is naive about her sister is worse than someone who knows it's a risk but thinks they could handle both her sister and your children.

If your aunt had some physical illness you could say don't come round, we don't want to catch your cold or whatever, in order to protect your family. Tell your mum your aunt is unwell. She needs proper medical support (and is not your responsibility).

Honestly I'd just stump up the money for some kind of paid childcare, even if it's on a credit card and expensive it would be worth it for peace of mind.
There might be a setting near the hospital who could have the children and DH collect them from there but it sounds like you need to be there really early which would cost more.

[Almostdue94]

It doesn’t sound like she’s doing much from what the op has said. Just that she’s coming out with bizarre dark thoughts, it doesn’t seem like the aunt is requiring round the clock care or any physical help with anything

Yes this is accurate. My aunt isn't doing anything dangerous and is fully capable of looking after herself for the day. She doesn't need looking after. Schizophrenia aside she's a highly intelligent person perfectly capable of living independently and has done all of her life.

Op could you not just be straight with your mum and ask her not to come round with your aunt?

For sure I could, and I will. I didn't want to have the conversation with her over the phone tonight as they are together and I don't want to make an awkward atmosphere, but I'll definitely talk to mum alone when I can and outline what I have here.

Would your mum not refuse her if you give her clear instruction not to let her in?

I would like to think she would, but I'm sure she'd feel really weird about it if aunt is knocking on the door and knows she's in here. In an ideal world aunt will agree not to try to come round as that makes it easier for everybody, including her, not wasting a journey.

I'm in South East London. The website I was looking at last was EmergencyChildcare and that's where I got the ridiculous quote.

[blairresignationjam]

YANBU. The whole situation risks causing a schizophrenic episode. I'm sorry to scare you, but my schizophrenic uncle, off his meds, killed a man who was making a telephone call in a phone box. No history of violence before then. It is an unpredictable illness. If you tell her not to come it could be triggering. If you let her near your DC it could be triggering.

[Almostdue94]

@StrawBeretMoose

That fact that your mum is naive about her sister is worse than someone who knows it's a risk but thinks they could handle both her sister and your children.

If your aunt had some physical illness you could say don't come round, we don't want to catch your cold or whatever, in order to protect your family. Tell your mum your aunt is unwell. She needs proper medical support (and is not your responsibility).

Honestly I'd just stump up the money for some kind of paid childcare, even if it's on a credit card and expensive it would be worth it for peace of mind.
There might be a setting near the hospital who could have the children and DH collect them from there but it sounds like you need to be there really early which would cost more.

I do agree with you. It's a problem

Money is tight as I haven't worked since August. I'm a self employed cleaner but had to stop due to SPD and becoming reliant on crutches, so we're living off 1 wage which doesn't go very far in this part of the country. We just couldn't drop hundreds on childcare. I will keep looking around and hope something much cheaper comes up.

I need to be at the hospital for 7am so that would be another barrier in itself.

I'm quite pissed off that I'm in this position now, selfishly. The one time I should be able to rely on my mum.

[gardeninggirl68]

@Almostdue94

Thank you Grol, how ridiculous is that poster.

me ridiculous!? love,'ve read your other thread

its not worth it....get alternative childcare fgs! even if your mum said she wont let her n, how will you know she will stand by that? how do you know this aunt won't find a way in? she's focusing on you, wanting to harm yours listen to that and act accordingly

you dont want to be worrying about this scenario when you are in theatre!

but yeah, course,i'm the ridiculous one here...

[Pebbledashery]

You're definitely not being unreasonable, safety of your kids comes first always. You do however, need to arrange alternative childcare.. It's just not going to work.

[Pebbledashery]

Could you ask your DH's family?

[gogohm]

£10 an hour is what my dd gets for 2 kids