To not want this family member around my DC?

[Almostdue94]

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

[RAFHercules]

Have you thought of asking social services for help? They will provide emergency childcare in some situations. My friend is a Foster carer and frequently has children overnight if a single parent is hospitalised. Obviously with your DCs additional needs it wouldn't be great to take them to a foster carer but there may be potential for a carer to come to you.
Alternatively, have you thought of asking one of DCs school workers? Someone that they know and trust.

[MrsMiddleMother]

Is there any chance you can reschedule your csection? Speak with your consultant and explain the situation, it's worth an ask. If not I'd see if your mum can go with you. She'll likely only be with you until you go onto the recovery ward and it's better than being alone.

[1Endeavour2]

Good Luck. You are being a good mum

[Bargoed]

Nothing really to add just that my thoughts are with you and I hope you find a solution xx

[RAFHercules]

I should just add that asking a school worker is not unusual. I used to work as a TA in a school for children with autism and was always being asked to babysit.

[guerrillagirl]

Sorry OP, that does sound like a tough situation. If you do go in alone, you could speak to hospital staff before then to explain your situation and past trauma? They would hopefully do what they can to make you feel at ease

[Almostdue94]

@TheCatterall

Hey *@Almostdue94* - sorry to hear you are in this predicament- hopefully you can have a word with your mum and explain what you’d like to happen and your worries with aunts recents statements and how you’d just like this day to go your way so it doesn’t add to your ptsd and existing worries around birth/hospital.

My son became schizophrenic 4 years ago and he’s non compliant and I’ve had to fight to get him on a community treatment order. If he doesn’t take meds etc and comply with MH teams hes sectioned. It’s so hard trying to look after and support someone with schizophrenia whilst having boundaries and protecting yourself as wel from the stress.

Massive squishes and good luck.

Hello, thank you for your kind post @TheCatterall

I'm sorry your son has to live with the condition, and that you've had to fight to get him help. It really is so hard isn't it? Much more so for you than me though, I'm sure of that much, given that it's your dear son.

My aunt gets alot of support in the community, she has a team that visit her at home several times a week to monitor some of her med consumption. At least that was the case last I knew. She has to take tablets twice daily and the morning dose will be monitored on some days but the evening dose she has to take herself.

She has got around that many times by only taking the tablets they observe her taking on the couple of mornings per week that they go there, or by disengaging and not letting them in at all.

The latter is usually the start of a quicker road to being sectioned (she gets admitted atleast once a year) but even then it can take a while to get to the stage they can admit her as even when she's having delusions they don't tend to intervene until she's deemed a risk.

The last time she was admitted was incredibly stressful as she stopped engaging with her team, stopped the meds and ended up barracading herself in her flat. The police had to force entry to detain her under the MH act and she had absolutely trashed the place. Me and mum spent the best part of a week trying to get it back to being in a habitable state.

It's a shame her particular meds aren't available in injection form as that would likely lessen the relapses somewhat.

I hope all is as well as can be possible for your family at the moment x

[MelKarnofskyCrane]

I want to add another positive c section story.

I had a hugely traumatic birth with my first, ending in an emergency c section which I can barely remember. I was so unwell (mentally as well as physically) for a long time afterwards.

I had my second child by elective c section, 2.5 years later. I was dying with nerves, but honestly it was wonderful. A really lovely experience. Calm, peaceful, and it wasn’t even all that straightforward for me (due to terrible adhesions and scar tissue from the previous section).

Yes, my husband did come with me but honestly I barely even noticed him (and he was a massive support to me in my first one too). I was flirting with the anaesthetist for most of it

[Raaraaboonah]

I came on to recommend sitters.co.uk but winniemarysarah beat me to it. The sitters I found were generally local women in their 50s/60s who had had families and were keen to do some childcare but on their own terms. Had a brilliant experience with all of them and found some at very short notice when let down by our usual childcare.

They were very reasonable and you could do a trial afternoon in advance if you were worried about how it might go.

Aside from that i feel for you - you deserve to be put first by your mum and be able to have your DH with you. i hope you manage to get that - sorry no advice on that front.

have had three CS though so can comment on that if you have any questions!

[Teenagehorrorbag]

Not a lone C-section story - but my DH arrived late as the exhaust fell off the car on the way, and then almost passed out during the op and had to be told to lie on the floor, so he wasn't much help.....!

The epidural and the op was absolutely fine and I would have been quite relaxed if I had been alone. I had twins and they were early so went straight to NICU - so it was nice that he was there to go and see them and report back - but otherwise everything was easy and straightforward. Of course you'd like support - but if it can't be sorted you will be fine on your own. Good luck however it works out. .

[Almostdue94]

Crossed posts, thank you all for the replies (and another positive section story. I love reading those!)

I hadn't considered asking social services as I didn't think it would be something they could help with. If you think it's worth a shot I'll definitely try.

Regarding the nursery assistants, we did ask the one that our children know the best. She said she was told by the nursery manager she's not allowed to. I spoke to the nursery manager personally and asked if she could help and she said she couldn't either.

The hospital are aware of my PTSD as I'm under consultant led care for that and some pregnancy complications, I feel as though I'm in good hands (but that only goes some way to alleviating the anxiety)

[Almostdue94]

I'll go and look at sitters.co.uk now thank you!

Not a lone C-section story - but my DH arrived late as the exhaust fell off the car on the way, and then almost passed out during the op and had to be told to lie on the floor, so he wasn't much help.....grin!

That made me LOL, I've got a tension headache from hell from stressing about all of this so a giggle was well overdue

[Fridgebotherer]

Maybe a neighbour would help, if there's one you would trust? I know you don't know them well, but sometimes people are happy to help in an emergency. Hope you get sorted x

[Vindo]

I had a traumatic first labour too, and my elective section second time was lovely in comparison. The staff were kind and everything was so calm and organised. I felt really safe the whole time.

Our first has additional needs so my partner stayed home with them until the last minute, and then nearly missed the birth due to a problem on the roads. I did everything up to going in to theatre by myself and it really was fine.

Keep on looking for someone who can provide childcare, and if that really can't be done personally I'd go it alone rather than leave the kids with your mum in this situation.

[Number1177]

Finding someone to look after a child with severe autism won’t be that easy (my son is severely autistic), and finding someone you trust is not easy. Could any of the nursery staff come to yours? Some of the TAs at my sons specialist school have helped parents out (for payment).

I hope you manage to find a solution

[TacoTues]

I was going to suggest your mum being your birth partner. But see that's already mentioned.

Another option would be to look into and hire a doula. They're amazing and such a calming influence.

[Almostdue94]

DS high needs are another reason we didn't want to leave him with strangers in the first place. My DM is the only person who has ever had him, other than nursery.

The neighbours aren't sociable so we've never got beyond a polite nod in passing so they're not an option, we don't even know names.

Nursery assistants have been tried and ruled out too.

I'm probably going to be on my own aren't I

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Sitters.co.uk is good, but also Google nanny agencies in your local area, a nanny would be a great option for you, they'll come to your house, keep the kids alive for the day and then leave when your husband gets home from the hospital! And will be a lot cheaper than £250. It's a bit rubbish that your nursery workers aren't allowed to help out, I know lots of them do mainly for the extra cash!

If I lived close I'd come and hold your hand for you I'd make the decision now that your mum isn't going to have your children and sort childcare to alleviate your anxiety surrounding that situation so you can focus on your section.

Have you ever discussed with your mum how you feel about the co-dependency with your aunt? I kinda feel a bit sorry for you mum in that she obviously feels very obliged towards her sister struggles a little with boundaries. I'm so sorry you're in this predicament though it must feel really rubbish for you, I wouldn't want my children to go for major surgery alone so I would in this one time make it work

[TacoTues]

A doula would be with you for the birth so DH could be home with the DC. Would be able to discuss beforehand what your anxieties are, and help you through them on the day. X

[notthemum]

Op, I was coming on to suggest Childcare. Co. Uk . But i see that pps have already suggested this. What area are you in ? I used to run my own childminding business and to me the prices that you have been quoted seem extortionate.

[Almostdue94]

@Mulhollandmagoo

Sitters.co.uk is good, but also Google nanny agencies in your local area, a nanny would be a great option for you, they'll come to your house, keep the kids alive for the day and then leave when your husband gets home from the hospital! And will be a lot cheaper than £250. It's a bit rubbish that your nursery workers aren't allowed to help out, I know lots of them do mainly for the extra cash!

If I lived close I'd come and hold your hand for you I'd make the decision now that your mum isn't going to have your children and sort childcare to alleviate your anxiety surrounding that situation so you can focus on your section.

Have you ever discussed with your mum how you feel about the co-dependency with your aunt? I kinda feel a bit sorry for you mum in that she obviously feels very obliged towards her sister struggles a little with boundaries. I'm so sorry you're in this predicament though it must feel really rubbish for you, I wouldn't want my children to go for major surgery alone so I would in this one time make it work

Thank you that's really kind

I will definitely keep looking and hoping something suitable comes up.

Have you ever discussed with your mum how you feel about the co-dependency with your aunt?

I have raised it a few times in a half hearted way but I haven't sat her down and told her how it really makes me feel - not properly.

It's hard because there has been times I've really needed my mum and haven't been able to lean on her properly myself, because my aunt won't let it happen for more than 5 minutes.

When I had my youngest we were kept in hospital for almost 2 weeks as I had pretty severe sepsis and had several hemmorages and needed transfusions. My mum was trying to support me and DH by having our eldest at ours for a couple of hours every other day so DH could come and see me and baby in the hospital, it was touch and go for a while whether I would make it.

Well during that time, once i was conscious and able to use my phone, I had aunt spamming me with messages telling me I should tell mum to go to her place to "relax" for a bit, instead of helping me and DH. All done under the guise of her wanting to support mum when the reality was she just didn't like her not being at her beck and call.

That's the extent of her selfishness.

I say selfishness because whilst she understandably has a horrible time of it with her MH, there is an element of personality involved too and she does weaponise her condition by stopping her meds whenever anybody else has anything going on.

I don't mean to sound uncaring, I do love her, but she is such a barrier to me being able to have any sort of meaningful relationship with my mum.

[Winecurestiredness]

Oh god. Your poor thing having to think about this the week before having major surgery! I'm studying schizophrenia on a course ATM and don't blame you, it's tough for the unwell person and everyone around them. Your mum should really focus on her sister right now, and you need to make sure your little ones are safe.

[Almostdue94]

Roughly how much do doulas cost please?

I'm in South East London

[Almostdue94]

@Winecurestiredness

Oh god. Your poor thing having to think about this the week before having major surgery! I'm studying schizophrenia on a course ATM and don't blame you, it's tough for the unwell person and everyone around them. Your mum should really focus on her sister right now, and you need to make sure your little ones are safe.

Thank you, yes I'm stressed beyond belief

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

• Is there any other family/friends that could keep your aunt occupied and therefore away from your mum when she has the kids?

• I'm not sure of your financial situation but could a cheap travelodge be an option for mum and the wee ones? She could be out and about with them during the day and sleep there at night. It would keep your aunt form the door.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.