To not want this family member around my DC?

[Almostdue94]

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

[Almostdue94]

@blairresignationjam

YANBU. The whole situation risks causing a schizophrenic episode. I'm sorry to scare you, but my schizophrenic uncle, off his meds, killed a man who was making a telephone call in a phone box. No history of violence before then. It is an unpredictable illness. If you tell her not to come it could be triggering. If you let her near your DC it could be triggering.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry, that's heartbreaking.

That's the sort of thing I'm worried about. I know statistically people with the condition are much more likely to hurt themselves, these things happen.

The fact that her delusions seem to include me wanting mum to kill her, or somebody hurting mum, makes me incredibly anxious.

She said on the telephone the other day that if anybody hurts mum she would bash them over the head and wouldn't serve a day in prison because of her medical record. There was no indication that mum was under threat from anybody btw, but that's how her mind is working atm.

She gets very jealous when mum spends any time with me and my children, but then the reason i can't invite her along is because she's so unstable and I just can't have it around the kids.

It's so stressful having a family member with the condition, especially because she's verrrrrry family orientated and demands we keep a close relationship.

Me not wanting to do that.. well it doesn't sit well with her I'm sure.

[Almostdue94]

me ridiculous!? love,'ve read your other thread. its not worth it....get alternative childcare fgs! even if your mum said she wont let her n, how will you know she will stand by that? how do you know this aunt won't find a way in? she's focusing on you, wanting to harm yours listen to that and act accordingly. you dont want to be worrying about this scenario when you are in theatre! but yeah, course,i'm the ridiculous one here

I'm sorry I snapped at you. I took offence as I felt as though you were implying that I'm imposing on mum and that her sister is her priority and should be. You have raised relevant points. It's just difficult. We have tried to find other childcare. I'm just sick of this crap every time I need my mum.

[Dontgetyerknicksinatwist]

Trust what your instincts are telling you

[Almostdue94]

@Pebbledashery

Could you ask your DH's family?

He only has his DP's and they live too far away to have ever been an option unfortunately.

[Pebbledashery]

Is there not anyone else that could care for your aunt on this particular day?

[Pebbledashery]

I would perhaps raise with your mother that could your aunt go into respite for a couple of days? If alternative childcare isn't an option.

[Almostdue94]

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

Trust what your instincts are telling you

My instincts are telling me to take it on the chin and have the surgery alone, god only knows how I'll manage on the day though given my PTSD.

[TheGoogleMum]

A day in our DDs private day nursery (7.30am-6pm) is around £60, childminder should be much cheaper than that so I think you need more quotes!

[Almostdue94]

@Pebbledashery

I would perhaps raise with your mother that could your aunt go into respite for a couple of days? If alternative childcare isn't an option.

She doesn't actually require respite at the minute and she won't be sectioned unless she becomes ill to the extent she's a danger to herself or others. The CMHT know her well and whenever I've raised concerns before they haven't been able to do much about it because just saying things isn't enough to get intervention.

She lives independently btw, mum isn't her official carer, she just spends alot of time with her.

[Almostdue94]

I've just downloaded the Peanut app I'm going to ask for childcare recommendations locally, I'll keep trying to source something as I really don't want to be alone but the more I write all of this down the less I feel able to relax about mum having them when aunt is like this.

[BubblinTrouble]

A friend of mine also had a c-section and said her DH passed out because he was nervous. He was sent to wait outside and missed everything. Friend said the birth was totally fine and was completely at ease without her DH. She opted for a second c-section for second child. Hopefully you’ll be able I sort but thought I’d share another positive story!

[Pebbledashery]

What about friends or neighbours?
I'm a single parent, no family, no local friends and my daughters father isn't in her life.. One of my friends travelled to my house to look after DD when I had outpatients surgery.
There must be someone that can help you if your mum doesn't back down.

[Doubledoorsontogarden]

You don’t have an Aunt problem. You have a Mum problem. Your Mum needs to put you first and to stop minimising your aunts issues.

[Almostdue94]

Thank you so much for another positive lone c-section story, they help

As crap as this sounds, I don't actually have any local friends. The friends I did have, from childhood, are all the way back in my home town so not an option.

[BlueMongoose]

Is there nobody, friends or family or combination of both, who might stump up/contribute towards the cash for the day's childcare?

[Almostdue94]

@Doubledoorsontogarden

You don’t have an Aunt problem. You have a Mum problem. Your Mum needs to put you first and to stop minimising your aunts issues.

Thank you. I definitely agree.

As it stands mum is of the opinion she's having the kids and has been ever since a section was mentioned in early pregnancy and she offered.

She doesn't know I'm this concerned yet as i haven't had chance to speak to her away from aunt.

I'm sure she will assure me she'll keep aunt at a distance on the day of the op, she just couldn't guarantee aunt isn't going to turn up regardless iykwim.

As another poster said, her being told to stay away could be triggering in itself. It's a really awkward situation.

[TheStarMachine]

This is a really tough situation and I can understand why you are feeling so anxious. Have you tried childcare.co.uk? Or posting on a local parents facebook group? I have found those very useful for finding ad-hoc childcare and you can usually get references etc / check DBS. Good luck!

[Almostdue94]

@BlueMongoose

Is there nobody, friends or family or combination of both, who might stump up/contribute towards the cash for the day's childcare?

Sadly not.

We don't have a support network, my mum is the only person I've ever been able to call on when I'm in a predicament and she wouldn't be able to pay for it.

[Pebbledashery]

I think you need to think of a long term solution as if your aunts prognosis gets worse then she's naturally going to be more dependent on your mum. Your mum doesn't sound like she's going to be a reliable, and trusted option anytime soon.

[Almostdue94]

@TheStarMachine

This is a really tough situation and I can understand why you are feeling so anxious. Have you tried childcare.co.uk? Or posting on a local parents facebook group? I have found those very useful for finding ad-hoc childcare and you can usually get references etc / check DBS. Good luck!

Aw thank you

I've looked on childcare.co.uk and registered to the emergency childcare site yes. It was the latter I was quoted 250 for a full days childcare for my two DC.

I have just put a post on a local group asking for child minder recommendations.

Fingers crossed I can find something. I have until 26th, which is the date of the surgery.

[Almostdue94]

@Pebbledashery

I think you need to think of a long term solution as if your aunts prognosis gets worse then she's naturally going to be more dependent on your mum. Your mum doesn't sound like she's going to be a reliable, and trusted option anytime soon.

Sadly I agree, which is shit because mum is all the support I have.

Whenever I do need mum for anything aunt tends to cling to her more. She doesn't like mum's attention being diverted away from her.

When I was on the phone to aunt the other day, among the ramblings, she said "I need her aswell you know" and that I was expecting too much of mum by taking her up on her offer to have the kids when I have surgery.

It's all a bit rich if I'm honest as I seldom ask mum for anything, whereas she expects mum to be at her beck and call.

[Pebbledashery]

I know, but if she's refusing medication then sadly she's going to not be able to control her mental health.
I hope you find a way, feel for you.

[TheCatterall]

Hey @Almostdue94 - sorry to hear you are in this predicament- hopefully you can have a word with your mum and explain what you’d like to happen and your worries with aunts recents statements and how you’d just like this day to go your way so it doesn’t add to your ptsd and existing worries around birth/hospital.

My son became schizophrenic 4 years ago and he’s non compliant and I’ve had to fight to get him on a community treatment order. If he doesn’t take meds etc and comply with MH teams hes sectioned. It’s so hard trying to look after and support someone with schizophrenia whilst having boundaries and protecting yourself as wel from the stress.

Massive squishes and good luck.

[QueenOfCatan]

Emergency childcare is expensive as they know people are desperately looking asap. Make a profile on childcare.co.uk and explain what you need, most childminders I know have paid for profiles on there so can contact you directly. Even South East London shouldn't be that expensive. Also try local nanny agencies, tinies and sitters should both cover your area and you'll likely have other local agencies nearby.

[Winniemarysarah]

I found mine on here