To not want this family member around my DC?

[Almostdue94]

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

I actually think having your mum there for the C section is the best choice.

When I was there birth partners could stay the night to help. It seemed universal every one agreed their partners should go home though as they would need the rest in order to support their partner and new baby.

You could have the best of both worlds. Someone to help you in hospital, and someone well rested at home, ready to welcome you home and make you comfortable.

And that's probably how I'd pitch it to your mum as well until you're alone with her to speak frankly.

As for the visit tomorrow I would say you're not feeling well and don't want visitors.

I do love her, but she is such a barrier to me being able to have any sort of meaningful relationship with my mum.

I think this is the angle you need to take with your mum in all honesty, and post birth and recovery definitely have that conversation with her, a few people have said your mum's focus should be on her sister right now, but honestly it's not at all unreasonable at all to want support from your mum right now, but especially given your birth experience last time - it sounds like you really went through the ringer! At this point though, as I said before for your own piece of mind I'd source alternative childcare, not for your aunt but so that you feel comfortable that your children are safe and well cared for whilst you're having your baby

Without going too much into it there is a similar relationship within my family and it causes so many problems but it's one born out of obligation, I dont think your mum is doing what she wants she's doing what she feels obligated to do

I've had a look under postcode SE21 (as it's apparently a postcode in SE London) and I came across a website called Yoopies - have you had a look there? There's DBS checked childminders there with 10 years experience in your area?

Or, could you afford a doula? Someone trained to advocate for your needs and wishes, who understands traumatic births.

It's more money, but it means not having to involve your mum at all.

Thanks ladies, I appreciate the advice.

Unfortunately there's no other relative locally who can keep aunt occupied for the day. There is another sister in a different part of the country but she has firm boundaries in place and only sees her occasionally.

Aunt actually had a lovely DP who was a brilliant source of support and company for her but she ended the relationship last year when he became a focus of her delusions. Ironically, she barely bothered with mum when he was on the scene. We had a better relationship then, mum and I, because it wasn't dictated by aunt.

It's hard not to be resentful toward her when I look around and see other people having close relationships with their mums, at a time I really need mine. I don't think a sibling should ever come before a child or grandchild, especially when the sibling is essentially forcing her hand, but I accept I'm biased and probably not able to be that objective given where I'm at in the pregnancy and taking my previous birth trauma into account.

I have several tabs open on my phone at the mo looking at childminders, sitters and doulas. I'm not sure a doula will be affordable though. I'll look up Yoopies whilst I'm here.

@Almostdue94

Im so sorry...

You know who has your back OP... and who doesn't.. not even for a Day ...

I wish you the very best for your section.. and I hope your DH is able to be there...

I would however be making clear boundaries for the future... you have been badly let down.. 🌸

Oh op this all sounds so stressful for you a week before you are due to give birth! I'm sorry that you are in this position but also for your aunt and your poor mum too must feel so stuck in the middle. If you think your aunt would just turn up maybe your mum could mind the kids somewhere else maybe a hotel nearby make it a little break away with gran before the new baby comes? Tho I suppose there's every chance of her turning up there too unless she isn't told about it which seems underhand I really don't know what to suggest as have no experience and not much knowledge about your aunt's condition but If you do have to go alone I can assure you an elective section is a completely different experience everything is so calm and organised you will be talked through every step of the way and the midwives and doctors will take really good care of you esp if they are aware of your nervous and history. I really hope it all works out for you and your dh gets to support you through it. Sending you best wishes cant imagine how stressful this must be for you. Xx

It's hard not to be resentful toward her when I look around and see other people having close relationships with their mums, at a time I really need mine. I don't think a sibling should ever come before a child or grandchild, especially when the sibling is essentially forcing her hand, but I accept I'm biased and probably not able to be that objective given where I'm at in the pregnancy and taking my previous birth trauma into account

Your resentment is understandable. Your mum should be prioritising you in this situation. You should be able to leave your children in her care without having to worry for their safety. I think your mum is really out of order here, and once baby is here and settled, I would be telling her that.

If I were you, I’d just go into hopsital by myself and leave the children with DH. After reading your posts, there is no way I would have your aunt around the children. I’d be able to face that c-section alone, knowing my children were safe. I’d never be able to do it with DH by my side but worrying about my kids.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you all the best.

I agree with the PP that you need to start drawing boundaries. I know she is your aunt, but this isn’t your problem and you don’t need to have her in your home and on the phone when she is saying the things she is to you.

Mum taking them to a travel lodge would work well if if weren't for DS struggling so much with unfamiliar surroundings. It took 6 months for him to feel settled in nursery

I think I need to psych myself up to going it alone for the section, it has helped to talk it through here so thank you all for that. One very pertinent point that struck a chord with me is that it will probably be easier having the section alone and knowing my kids are safe with DH, than having DH with me and having to worry about aunt turning up at my house where mum is or causing a big fuss on the day (which I fully expect to be honest)

I've been feeling quite scared as my section date approaches as I've got in the back of my mind that I might not make it this time, hence being desperate for DH to be with me. Logically I know that's very unlikely and I'm in good hands, I just don't think I'll ever fully get over what happened last time.

Just the other day I was saying how I felt in order to protect myself and the kids from all of the stress with aunt I would probably have to cut mum off, just so I'm out of aunts sphere so to speak.

I feel sad that I even need to consider that as we all just want our mum sometimes don't we? But I can't be doing with this.

It's like aunt is in constant competition with me for mum's attention and it's bloody ridiculous.

I'm going to cancel mum visiting tomorrow and have a proper talk with her about why, what aunt has been saying, and how I just don't have the bandwidth for any of it at the moment.

I'm going to cancel mum visiting tomorrow and have a proper talk with her about why, what aunt has been saying, and how I just don't have the bandwidth for any of it at the moment.

good ... and don't let her gaslight you 🌸

Sorry op I missed the bit about DS being autistic. Is there somewhere familiar he likes to go that's not too overwhelming that your mum could bring them for a few hours instead of being at your house? Would prob mean your husband couldn't stay too long at the hospital but would be there for the birth which I think is the part your most nervous about. Do you have a pre op appointment the day before? (I'm in Ireland not sure if it's the same there)if so make a list of questions,things that you are worried about and discuss it all with them then they should be able to put your mind more at ease. Is there someone else who's friendly with your aunt that could be with her that day so it frees up your mum's time?

@Shutupyoutart

Sorry op I missed the bit about DS being autistic. Is there somewhere familiar he likes to go that's not too overwhelming that your mum could bring them for a few hours instead of being at your house? Would prob mean your husband couldn't stay too long at the hospital but would be there for the birth which I think is the part your most nervous about. Do you have a pre op appointment the day before? (I'm in Ireland not sure if it's the same there)if so make a list of questions,things that you are worried about and discuss it all with them then they should be able to put your mind more at ease. Is there someone else who's friendly with your aunt that could be with her that day so it frees up your mum's time?

He likes the park and supermarkets, I'm not sure she'd be up for spending hours at either early in the morning though

I do have a pre op the day before yes. My pre op is on 25th and my section the 26th. They want me to be at the hospital at 7am on the morning of the 26th which is going to be a bit testing as it is as the hospital is quite a way a way, but needs must. I'm going to book a taxi.

Yeah it's literally just the surgery I'm anxious to have DH with me for, so she wouldn't have needed to have them for that long at all really, providing I have baby in the morning and they don't have a load of emergencies crop up which put me further down the list, he would be free to go home as soon as I'm back on the ward if needs be.

Also my aunt does have friends but I'm not on speaking terms with them as I don't know them personally so I don't have their contact details to ask if they can keep her company etc.

Another one here whose DH wasn’t needed at Cs birth. He got told to sit in a small room/cupboard for ages and then appeared for the birth and then I got wheeled off to the ward. All was straightforward with lots of scouse humour from the staff and I could definitely have done it without him being there.
In fact, we weren’t entirely sure whether we had reliable help with DS1 so I had considered the possibility of doing it alone if it came to that.
Hope all goes well for you.

I think you need to have a really open talk with your mum when aunt isn't around and really stress how much anxiety this is all causing you she might be able to come up with a solution or maybe she will have contact details for your aunts friends and could give one of them a call. I wonder do they have a nursery or creche at the hospital? Some do but then again that might be more upsetting for your ds If he struggles with unfamiliar places.it is a pain having to go the day before I agree esp If the hospital is far enough away but I also found it good as well as i was able to ask questions meet the team and have some of my concerns addressed.

There's a pattern where my aunt comes off her meds when there's a big family event coming up such as a baby due

Your mum should recognise this.

There was no need for her to tell her sister that you had a c section booked, the date, and the fact that she would be baby sitting. As you well know, a big family event like this triggers the aunt coming off meds and going through a schizophrenic episode culminating in being eventually sectioned.

I agree with the advice to have a very honest blunt talk with your mum. There is no need for your aunt to know the times and dates of your C section. Lie if necessary. You don't see your aunt, there is no need for your mum to involve her in the details of your life.

Your mum although probably well intentioned, has her head in the sand over her sister's schizophrenia.
I've no doubt it's been tough for your mum but she has to respect your feelings.

OP, I had a similar situation to you in that I had a C-section following a traumatic previous birth. DH was only allowed in for the actual birth, I was on my own for the whole anaesthetic part which took a long time because I was so scared. I remember saying that I was frightened and the whole team rallied round me, they were so lovely and kind. When DH finally did get into the theatre he was a bit redundant as I was being so well looked after .
It's not ideal but if you have to do it alone it will be okay

That's the problem with mum/aunt they tell one another everything eventually. I didn't even want aunt knowing I was expecting another baby because past experience has shown me she would cause some drama or other, she's also extremely critical and judgemental. I've managed to avoid seeing her in person for almost a year but she's constantly calling and leaving voicemails so it doesn't feel like there's much distance at all really.

Mum definitely has her head in the sand about the severity of her condition.

Thank you for another positive c-section story, Tiredan I wonder if they will let me take my betablockers before the op? They take the edge of when I'm having panic attacks so that's something I'll make a note to ask the team when I have my pre-op.

@Maray1967

Another one here whose DH wasn’t needed at Cs birth. He got told to sit in a small room/cupboard for ages and then appeared for the birth and then I got wheeled off to the ward. All was straightforward with lots of scouse humour from the staff and I could definitely have done it without him being there. In fact, we weren’t entirely sure whether we had reliable help with DS1 so I had considered the possibility of doing it alone if it came to that. Hope all goes well for you.

Thank you Maray for another positive section story

I think they might be able to give you something. Certainly I remember telling DH I didn't want to hold his hand because the ODP was holding my hand on the other side of the table and I didn't want to look like Jesus so I don't think I was entirely drug free at that point
What a testament to their skills though. 15 minutes before that I was frightened for my life and that of my wee boy

Also I was first on the list for surgery because my PTSD came from a previous birth and they told me they always try to do this for women in that situation, that only medical emergencies trump us. I live I a different part of the country from you but I'd imagine it will be similar every where.

I think whatever you decide, it would be best if the details of your c section are kept deliberately vague for your aunt. Hopefully your mum can understand why.

How does your husband feel about not being at the birth? Is he able to understand your concerns?

I hope you can find a solution that works for you all. Easier said than done but try not to get too stressed. I think you'll feel a lot better once you've decided what to do and have your plans in place.

Your section sounds ace Tiredan, I'm most definitely up for anything that makes me feel like Jesus and takes away the nerves

The antithesist has assured me he'll do his best to make sure I have a nice, stress free experience this time and they'll put some relaxing music on for me. It does sound a bit like a spa day doesn't it?!

Smiley, I agree. As it stands aunt does know the date but I can always say it has been changed. Baby will be born at 39+3 but I could say they now want me to go full term.

DH is being quite relaxed about things but he's definitely dissapointed about potentially missing the birth and is pissed off with my aunt, but hes trying to hide it so as not to stress me out more. He's ran out of tolerance for it because he's seem this happen time and time again and recognises the pattern.

I’m so sorry to hear how stressful things are at what should be a happy and excited time. I have two things to say!

One: I know you said most of your friends live far away back in your old hometown. But I would more than happily travel a fair distance and stay over to help a friend out with childcare whilst they were giving birth! So you may find someone that way if you ask?

And two: my planned section was honestly one of the most chilled and happy days of my life. My first birth was stressful and traumatic, ending up with my baby in NICU and a 9-day hospital stay. So as you can imagine, I was NOT looking forward to birth number 2. But I arrived at the hospital, was checked in, taken down to theatre, and before I knew it, I was calmly cuddling my gorgeous baby. In fact, whilst the surgery was completed, my overriding memory is of discussing Hamilton with one of the nurses as she’d just been to see it

I was wheeled back up to the ward and sat staring at this amazing new person in my life. I could not stop smiling. It couldn’t have been more different to my first experience. Serene, relaxed and peaceful.

Aw thank you, Two.

I have two people from back home who I'm sure would help had it not been for them having young DC themselves, so I don't want to put upon them as it wouldn't be practical for them.

I've been having alot of tightenings today that aren't letting up so I may end up going in alot sooner than the 26th. I'm 37+5 today.

Hopefully it's just Braxton hicks but I'm having to keep an eye on it. I don't fancy an emergency section after hearing all of these lovely stories about elective ones 😳

Not sure how to PM you (sorry - technophobe!) but if you PM me I can offer a couple of local childminder reccos? May not be that close as SE London is a big area but potentially worth a try.