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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being precious or would this not bother you?

283 replies

Pinkpanther6878 · 12/10/2021 23:45

In large DIY department store today,needed to use loo, and which are located through a door in corner of store that then opens into corridor (about say 7/8 meters long) with female and male toilet doors separately going off this corridor, and disabled toilet at end of corridor. Except now the separate male and female toilets (usually for customer use) are locked and only for staff use, not sure why but anyway signs saying to use disabled toilet, of which there is only one, so therefore unisex. I proceed down corridor, the disabled toilet door of which is wide open (and wide open into corridor, it's a pull door to get in not push). I become aware of sound of someone urinating,so I stop well before door,and shortly after a middle aged man walks out,still messing with his fly. I give him slightly unapproving look but he just carries on past me in corridor looking totally vacant. To add he also didnt bother flushing the toilet, so I was greeted by toilet full of dark slightly frothy urine,nor did he put seat down,but I probably am being picky on that latter point.
Anyway more I think about it the more I am feeling bit disturbed,even violated by the whole thing. Like this man didnt care about closing let alone locking the door, so anyone could have walked in on him plus the lack of respect not flushing afterwards, just seems really gross and off. Also as a single 30 something female am feeling especially conscious at moment of needing safe space etc, and be nice if men were conscious of this too, not actively making no effort. Just to add, this man was a member of the public/customer, not a staff member.
Yes YABU - thinking too much into it,get over it.
No YANBU - it is concerning

OP posts:
risefromyourgrave · 13/10/2021 11:00

At the end of the day, we all know that there are many men who would use the situation in the OP to intimidate women, and some men who would use the situation as a sexual kick.

Women deserve to be able to go to the toilet without fear, it’s as simple as that. The ‘urinary leash’ is a very real thing.

Everyone saying there’s no problem with this man behaving how he did - how would you like your 13 year old daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/whatever having to deal with this situation when all they wanted to do was have a wee, change a tampon, etc.?

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 11:07

@risefromyourgrave what 'situation'?
Hearing a man having a wee then having to flush the toilet before they used it?

Id hope they'd just crack on with it and be a little irritated to be honest.

RavingAnnie · 13/10/2021 11:10

It's revolting I agree. But not sure why you feel "violated". That's a bit OTT.

FreedomFaith · 13/10/2021 11:12

@JustFrustrated

But he wasn't in the men's, or a cubicle.

I read it as a typical stand alone disabled toilet, with one door into it from the main through fare. Which he left open.

That's fucking appalling. Why are people making excuses?

I'd be livid if my Dds were exposed to a lazy tramp of a man who decided he didn't need to shut the door FFS.

Yeah why are people making excuses? Confused

Feeling violated is a bit of an extreme, but the guy was disgusting. Leaving a door to the single toilet open while he's having a piss, in a shop? Would you leave the curtain open while you're getting changed in a changing room?

No wonder we pass round viruses like mad is it? When people think this is normal, sanitary behaviour. Such disgusting people. 🤢

Derbee · 13/10/2021 11:13

I can’t believe so many people have voted YABU. WTF is wrong with people? You think it’s ok for someone to use a toilet without closing the door, and not bother flushing afterwards? The mind boggles

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 13/10/2021 11:15

@36degrees

I was on a train in Canada about 10 years ago and walked into the toilet to see a man who hadn't locked the door peeing directly into the sink. I am not sure why, because essentially I had invaded his space as it were, but I felt very uncomfortable, and even more so when I'd gone back to my seat and he stared at me on the way past, as though I'd done something wrong.
When I was a student I walked in on a man peeing in a cubicle with an open door in my accommodation block. He followed me back to my room and wrote ‘dyke’ all over my door.

(Looking back I feel so, so sorry for 18 year old me not even being able to leave my room to go to the toilet safely in the place where I lived.)

Men can be fucking weird about being walked in on. It may on the other hand be that it is the already fucking weird ones deliberately leaving the door open in order to provoke a confrontation- how can we tell? It’s Schroedinger’s weirdos…

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 11:15

@DillonPanthersTexas

Well yeah they are a bit minging

A bit of an understatement, I have never found used tampons on the floor of men's and the only time I saw a shit on the floor was in the women's. To be honest when you have got short straw of cleaning the toilets at 3am piss on the floor and seats are the least of your worries.

Years ago I worked somewhere where an unknown woman was constantly leaving used sanitary towels down the toilets (there were bins) and blood on the seats.
girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 11:15

@Derbee

I can’t believe so many people have voted YABU. WTF is wrong with people? You think it’s ok for someone to use a toilet without closing the door, and not bother flushing afterwards? The mind boggles
It's the 'violated' nonsense that people think is unreasonable
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 13/10/2021 11:16

This happened to me on a train. The man hadn't shut the door and didn't even look embarrassed when I pulled the door open (I couldn't hear him urinating because of the noise of the train). I think it's a form of exhibitionism.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 13/10/2021 11:17

Am I missing something? He left the door open so you could have walked in on him. That's right isn't it? So a child could have walked in on him also? If that's correct I've no idea why some posters are suggesting you are OTT about this.

It's not necessarily the fact that it's a unisex toilet because that doesn't matter since it's one toilet and one door with a lock. But he didn't lock it people! He didn't give a shit that someone could walk in on him, be it a woman or a child, or someone with SEND. All he had to do was lock the door.

YANBU OP.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 13/10/2021 11:18

Oh and YANBU.

Energy4You · 13/10/2021 11:18

[quote girlmom21]@risefromyourgrave what 'situation'?
Hearing a man having a wee then having to flush the toilet before they used it?

Id hope they'd just crack on with it and be a little irritated to be honest. [/quote]
You seem to have forgotten the bits where

  • she saw his penis as he was ‘getting dressed’ again
  • walked on him because the door was open

If it was hearing someone having a wee, I don’t think the OP or anyone would have an issue.

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 11:20

@Energy4You quote from the OP:

become aware of sound of someone urinating,so I stop well before door,and shortly after a middle aged man walks out,still messing with his fly.

Neither of the things you're suggesting actually happened.

Musthurry · 13/10/2021 11:24

I am massive supporter of single sex loos and the adequate provision of loos for women in theatres and shopping centres etc, but I think you are being a bit precious op. I live in continental Europe where in many restaurants, women have to squeeze past men who are using urinals in order to reach the one or two lavs available at the end of the corridor. No one turns a hair. In fact the number of people present makes it safer. The bloke should have flushed of course and washed his hands. I assume he thought no one was around.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/10/2021 11:29

Disgusting.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/10/2021 11:38

Meh. The issue is him not locking the door. Not anything else.

PjsOn · 13/10/2021 11:44

He should have shut the door, it was inconsiderate when he knew it was a unisex loo opening onto a corridor. Unfortunately this is something women will probably just have to get used to as same sex loos will be a thing in lots of places soon. I said to my husband the other day when we were watching the new series of first dates that I find it odd that they now have same sex loos so when the woman was in there chatting to her friend on the phone (as they set up on the show) the date appeared and came in to use the loo too. I said to my husband I wouldn't feel comfortable in a loo like that out of sight of the busy bar/restaurant if there was just me in there and a man came in. I'd feel very uneasy and want to get out as fast as I could. Women's safety seems to come below offending a tiny minority these days.

HairyScaryMonster · 13/10/2021 11:46

I mean, it's gross and antisocial, but I don't think I'd feel violated. I doubt he's done it on purpose to horrify anyone. He's just a dirty bugger who doesn't care.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/10/2021 11:47

I’m not sure the ‘oh there is always someone/somewhere worse than this’ is going to help improve the situation tbh…

I voted she was not BU, I'm not saying "Oh there is always someone worse" I was just talking about the Covid toilet situation in general TYVM

bluebell34567 · 13/10/2021 11:50

@girlmom21

Ok so he should have shut the door and flushed the chain. Agreed.

But disabled toilets have always been unisex so you don't get to use a toilet that isn't meant for you, as you're not disabled, and then complain that it doesn't cater to your needs of a single sex environment...

I can't comprehend why you feel violated. You didn't see his penis and you could have heard a woman urinate if the normal toilets were opened.

seeing his urine in the toilet would be enough for me.
randomthings · 13/10/2021 11:51

So this is just an anti trans thread by stealth then. hmm
@AlternativePerspective

No, its you whose made a woman's rights issue a trans issue.

As full and equal human beings, women are entitled to discuss their safety and rights without being called anti-men OR anti-trans.

Jux · 13/10/2021 11:55

I think that if this happens I would say loudly "I don't want to see you pissing" and when he left the room ask about flushing and washing hands in severe mummy/teacher voice - that might push it a bit - but I would imagine the first would elicit an embarrassed apology from any normally thoughtless bloke.

The risk with that is that I would have encountered a MRA/TRA would was not doing it thoughtlessly but quite deliberately, but that's a risk I might take.

Rosebel · 13/10/2021 11:57

Perhaps I'm missing something but why on Earth would you feel violated because a man used the toilet and didn't shut the door?
It wouldn't bother me, I wouldn't even think about it after the event.

Helpel · 13/10/2021 12:03

You only have to walk by an open door to a men's public loo and smell the difference with the women's loos. Too many would appear to men piss on the floor or don't flush after themselves. My husband drives a lot for work and says that the state of men's loos in service stations are unbelievable, pretty much only uses them if he absolutely has to. Whilst the women's aren't exactly spick and span they are not at that level. I dread mixed facilities becoming more and more common. So in terms of it being gross YANBU. In terms of feeling violated, YAB a bit U.

EmmalineC · 13/10/2021 12:04

The only thing that would concern me about this incident is that he didn't wash his hands and headed back into the shop, sprinkling pee germs over everything he touched.