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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being precious or would this not bother you?

283 replies

Pinkpanther6878 · 12/10/2021 23:45

In large DIY department store today,needed to use loo, and which are located through a door in corner of store that then opens into corridor (about say 7/8 meters long) with female and male toilet doors separately going off this corridor, and disabled toilet at end of corridor. Except now the separate male and female toilets (usually for customer use) are locked and only for staff use, not sure why but anyway signs saying to use disabled toilet, of which there is only one, so therefore unisex. I proceed down corridor, the disabled toilet door of which is wide open (and wide open into corridor, it's a pull door to get in not push). I become aware of sound of someone urinating,so I stop well before door,and shortly after a middle aged man walks out,still messing with his fly. I give him slightly unapproving look but he just carries on past me in corridor looking totally vacant. To add he also didnt bother flushing the toilet, so I was greeted by toilet full of dark slightly frothy urine,nor did he put seat down,but I probably am being picky on that latter point.
Anyway more I think about it the more I am feeling bit disturbed,even violated by the whole thing. Like this man didnt care about closing let alone locking the door, so anyone could have walked in on him plus the lack of respect not flushing afterwards, just seems really gross and off. Also as a single 30 something female am feeling especially conscious at moment of needing safe space etc, and be nice if men were conscious of this too, not actively making no effort. Just to add, this man was a member of the public/customer, not a staff member.
Yes YABU - thinking too much into it,get over it.
No YANBU - it is concerning

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 09:01

And I take the point re: mention of my age,it isn't really relevant.

It wasn’t really relevant that the man was middle aged either. Horrible that he left the door open though

starfishmummy · 13/10/2021 09:03

@OhGiveUp

It's a disabled toilet, therefore it's unisex, as disabled toilets always have been Disgusting that he didn't flush and wash his hands though. It makes you wonder what his toilet is like at home!
Actually disabled toilets are not always unisex. I know of plenty that are situated within the ladies or gents, at least in places I go to.

I know this because I have a disabled adult ds who can't come into the ladies with me and I dont wish to go into the gents.

whycantwegoonasthree · 13/10/2021 09:06

I'm tremendously and horribly woke in most things, but I hate unisex loos and have often not felt safe in them. Also, men are often disgusting in their toilet habits - and so their loos smell.

I'm 100% happy to share a women's loo with trans women. They're not the problem here, or the threat: cis men are.

AlternativePerspective · 13/10/2021 09:06

Disabled toilets have always been unisex. Funny that the able-bodied have never had a problem with that until they’ve been the ones having to use them. Hmm

It has nothing to do with the toilet and everything to do with the person. Personally I’ve been into some female toilets which have been vile, unflushed, urine all over the seat, so it is most definitely not a male only thing.

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 09:08

Unisex public loos are not uncommon on the continent, especially in restaurants.

Beamur · 13/10/2021 09:08

Grim
Unfortunately a lot of unisex toilets get used like this. Men are used to not locking doors if using a urinal. The not flushing/handwashing is just gross though

Sleepyquest · 13/10/2021 09:12

As someone who uses public toilets a lot, I can't bear using unisex ones. They always smell and are not clean. Men seem to be incapable of cleaning up after themselves.

I will be really angry if we do lose our single sex spaces

Lalliella · 13/10/2021 09:13

How are half the respondents not bothered by this? It’s disgusting. A) not to shut the door, B) not to wash his hands, C) coming out doing his fly up, D) not to flush the toilet. Jeez some of you must have really low standards.

Lalliella · 13/10/2021 09:15

@whycantwegoonasthree

I'm tremendously and horribly woke in most things, but I hate unisex loos and have often not felt safe in them. Also, men are often disgusting in their toilet habits - and so their loos smell.

I'm 100% happy to share a women's loo with trans women. They're not the problem here, or the threat: cis men are.

Massive generalisation and stereotyping going on here. In what way are you woke exactly @whycantwegoonasthree?
Auroreforet · 13/10/2021 09:16

The guy that cleaned the toilets in the Yorkshire dales national parks told a friend that the women’s were always more disgusting than the men’s.
I live in France. I’ve walked past men stood at the urinal on my way to a cubicle. And the urinals sometimes have a telephone next to them on the wall! Plates on the floor are the worst though, I consider everything else an upgrade!

wheretherainblows · 13/10/2021 09:18

Everyone is so dramatic on here. So precious Hmm

Griselda1 · 13/10/2021 09:18

Not pleasant but all our public toilets are the same during covid.Only disabled toilets are open and apparently it's to reduce the level of cleaning and risk of covid.
I can see why the staff in a department store wouldn't want to share toilets with the public.Let's hope things get back to normal soon.

KaycePollard · 13/10/2021 09:22

YANBU @Pinkpanther6878

This is why we need single-sex loos, and we need to reinstate the strong social pressures on everyone to be appropriately. It's not prudish, it's about dignity.

We live in a culture where 'toileting' (for want of a better word) has been surrounded by strong social sanctions. We may want to decrease the association of a normal bodily process with "dirt" or "foulness" but there's a good reason to be very careful with urine & feaces - they can spread disease.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 09:23

Who has voted YABU? You can’t get your genitals out in a public place and leave the door open! It’s like he was inviting being walked in on.
Disgusting man.

ClinkeyMonkey · 13/10/2021 09:32

I think the lack of hygiene is revolting, but pretty much par for the course when out and about using public toilets. But leaving the door open is on a whole other level. At best, inconsiderate. At worst, a deliberate action designed to shock or make someone uncomfortable. He's a filthy git either way.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/10/2021 09:34

I hate it. Had similar happen to me at local council unisex toilets. Pushed open the door as the green light was on, and there was an old man mid pee in there. Disgusting. And they all smell vile.

BonnesVacances · 13/10/2021 09:36

I would have raised it with customer services tbh.

My FIL would have done this. It turns my stomach. He has undiagnosed dementia and I do worry about how he's left the public toilets when we've been out somewhere.

namechangetheworld · 13/10/2021 09:38

It's a bit gross that he didn't flush (although that's par for the course in a lot of public loos from what I've seen) but feeling "violated" is a tremendous overreaction on your part.

SGChome20 · 13/10/2021 09:42

The not flushing etc is bad manners and a bit gross. However leaving the door open is a step too far. You could just as easily been a 13 year old female going to the toilet alone and potentially exposed to a mans genitals. That’s not ok.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 13/10/2021 09:42

He could have had learning difficulties

Changedmynameforthispost · 13/10/2021 09:45

@whycantwegoonasthree

I'm tremendously and horribly woke in most things, but I hate unisex loos and have often not felt safe in them. Also, men are often disgusting in their toilet habits - and so their loos smell.

I'm 100% happy to share a women's loo with trans women. They're not the problem here, or the threat: cis men are.

What about the times a trans woman has been a threat in women’s loos? Just because it hasn’t happened to you doesn’t mean it never happens.

This happens metro.co.uk/2019/03/16/transgender-woman-18-sexually-assaulted-girl-10-morrisons-toilet-8914577/

It has happened to me as well. It’s too late to change your mind about the threat when it happens to you or your daughter/friend/mother/sister

FWBNC · 13/10/2021 09:49

Feeling violated & to be still dwelling on it, is a massive over reaction.

gofg · 13/10/2021 09:53

How are half the respondents not bothered by this? It’s disgusting. A) not to shut the door, B) not to wash his hands, C) coming out doing his fly up, D) not to flush the toilet. Jeez some of you must have really low standards.

No, we don't have low standards, we just think there are more important issues to worry about than something which doesn't really have any great effect on us. Some of you seem to live very sheltered lives if this upsets you so much.

JudgeJ · 13/10/2021 09:54

@MrsSkylerWhite

He was a dirty, thoughtless sod. Violated, though, is ott.
I loathe the use of words like violated in relatively trivial circumstances, it demeans those who are really violated. Stick to 'fed up' or even 'pissed off'.
MyPatronusIsACat · 13/10/2021 09:58

@CatonMat

I wouldn't like it at all. It's like marking his territory. Leaving the door open and a toilet full of his piss.
Yep this. ^ Not saying ALL men do this, but some do yep. Teach dem wimmin who da boss. Hmm

No fucking WAY am I sharing public loos with men, fuck that. Even my DH hates mens loos and says they're often grubby and smelly. He will only go if he is desperate. Every cleaner I have ever known (and all cleaners I've ever known are female,) have said they LOATHE cleaning the mens toilets.

I was in Merry Hill Shopping Centre around 2009 (it may not be the same now, as I have not been for 5 or 6 years,) and I went into the toilets. They were unisex. A big area full of sinks, and hand driers, and bins etc, and around 40 toilets surrounding it all.

I went in with my 2 DD (both early teens then,) and a man glared at me, and called the (male) cleaner over and said 'I want those females OUT.' He thought it was a mens toilet and we were invading HIS space.

The cleaner put him right. He said 'these are unisex toilets, they have a right to be in here.' Then he turned his back on him, and smiled at us. I just smiled sweetly at the rude man. Grin He grunted, said 'fucksake!' and stormed out.

I didn't want to be in a bastard unisex bog, any more than him, but I wasn't rude!

@Pinkpanther6878 YANBU!

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