DH went to work when we're all sick

[yellowgecko]

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work

It’s not about choosing work, he had an obligation to go to work as he’s not ill. Normally booking annual leave at this late stage isn’t possible and with the job market as it is just having emergency leave whenever a child is ill when there is another adult there is shortsighted.

Unless my DH was in hospital I’d be going to work and he’d stay home ill and look after the ill kids as well.

@daisy46

YABU. He had to work. He's not sick. You went to work when the kids were sick, now he's gone to work while the kids are sick.

Yes but he wasn't trying to look after two children while he was being sick. Totally different situation.

It really depends. Dp has gone sick before when me and dc had the bug (he never caught it) because I couldn't get the kids to school - by the time I had it it had been 48 hours + since kids symptoms stopped so they could go back! I was so poorly that time though.

Yet another time in the school holidays, me and dc had the bug and j told him to go to work. I lay on the sofa most of the day and the kids were a bit feral all day (they were mainly better by this point).

We can't always afford to lose the money if he goes off sick, especially if he isn't actually sick himself.

If your Dp hasn't got symptoms himself and has good hand hygiene he is very unlikely to be spreading it around at work. Before covid if one of mine was off vomiting, the other would go in as was expected at the school. If kids were vomiting parents would go work if they could arrange something for childcare. Can't stay home just in case you catch something - we'd be broke and you might not even catch it or it could be days or a week or more. (obviously talking about non covid illnesses here).

So many posters saying he couldn't just take time off as he wasn't sick...

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Time off for dependents is something you are entitled to. And 'an emergency' doesn't have to be life threatening or involve hospital, just that they need to care for family members

Both mine and my DHs employers have actively communicated this and my DH used it only last week when I and our DS had norovirus. If he hadn't, he would have used annual leave.

Your job does have to come first though, if you intend to keep it. Granted the bug you had isn't nice (we all just had it) but your wife and children being ill isn't a reason to miss work. It isn't a serious illness, just a common and unpleasant one. I'm so surprised at how many people would actually expect their husband to stay off work to look after them. Granted if your children are ill (and neither of you are unwell) you share looking after them so take it in turns to take holidays/parental leave (unless one is self employed or something where it works better for the other to look after them).

YABU. Sorry.

God, I hope he gets it and you make him clean every surface, do his own laundry and throw the kids at him while you go to work

Don’t really get why he should stay off when you are off..

It’s gonna keep happening that the kids get sick and you have to tag team taking days off to look after them for years to comes so he should keep his days for then he really needs them and you need to go to work 🤷‍♀️

@OneTC

Truly blown away that there's not just one but many full grown adults who'd expect another adult to stay home and look after them if they're mildly ill

Nobody is actually asking the dh to look after the op, just his own children so she can look after herself. The op is not mildly ill. A nanny wouldn’t have come, because she was too unwell to work. And one parent would then have had to say to work there’s nothing I can do, I have to stay home. He’d have had to deal with it. He could have done that today. Mothers (& sometimes fathers) do look after children when unwell but there is a limit, d&v is definitely beyond that limit, and in this case there is a healthy parent who could look after them. He just thinks he’s too special and important.

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Don’t really get why he should stay off when you are off..

It’s gonna keep happening that the kids get sick and you have to tag team taking days off to look after them for years to comes so he should keep his days for then he really needs them and you need to go to work 🤷‍♀️

That’s a given when the parent is healthy yes. The problem is the op is sick. Too sick to work. A nanny wouldn’t have turned up feeling like that. She’s not an indentured slave. Her partner should have looked after the dc because she is sick.

@NoOtherShadeOfBlue

I feel like a lot of the posters have shitty employers (common), shitty marriages or a shitty inability to empathise with another human being. I also cannot understand the relevance of what single parents have to do - the OP isn’t a single parent. These posts really bring out the Four Yorkshireman race to the bottom types of replies and are full of people who are furious that anyone else in the world might not suffer just as much as they’ve had to. In my world, loving adults in a good relationship take care of each other and share the load. The OP is just back from maternity leave so worried about her own attendance at work, suffering from D&V and looking after two children with the same; it says a lot about a person who can reply to that with ‘suck it up’. If the DH has an utterly inflexible and unsympathetic employer, I’d understand him going in but certainly not his anger and his resentment of having taken the previous day off after he’s just enjoyed nine months of never having to take shared responsibility for absence due to childcare reasons.

I really appreciate this, thank you

@Jangle33

It’s not about choosing work, he had an obligation to go to work as he’s not ill. Normally booking annual leave at this late stage isn’t possible and with the job market as it is just having emergency leave whenever a child is ill when there is another adult there is shortsighted.

Unless my DH was in hospital I’d be going to work and he’d stay home ill and look after the ill kids as well.

It’s the other way around. Work have an obligation to provide him with leave to care for his dependants. See the govt link shared by another poster.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I think his reluctance to cover the baby’s sick day is worse.

In a two-working household the child-sick days need to be covered equally by both parents. Unless one is stationed on a submarine or something.

Agreed.

The fact "single parents have to manage" doesn't make it necessary for dual parents to do the same. Its not a race to the bottom. If he has been with the company 10 yrs then he should check out how emergency leave for dependents works and he should be willing to take it in his turn.

When you are over this you need a frank discussion over responsibilities for sick children in the future. If he continues to treat you as the default parent and doesn't accept that he should be covering half the episodes then you have a problem and will end up paying for it big time in your own work progression.

Honestly I'm mum and if it was DH and DS I would go to work. I don't think work would be impressed I took a day off to look after a 31 year old, just bed down on the sofa order a Uber eats if you want food and chill.

@vickyc90 no one is asking him to look after the adult woman. Just his own children, for whom he has joint parental responsibility, since his wife is sick.

@CampagVelocet

He shouldn't have gone in because he's probably carrying whatever it is you've all got and will now be merrily passing it round his colleagues.

Pathogens are around everyone all the time, colleagues you would assume have a functioning immune system. Otherwise everyone would get sick every single day.

I understand why you're feeling sorry for yourself but the fact is this won't be the only time you will all be sick and you can't get into the habit of expecting everyone to stay home. Ideally you and DH will both have continuity of employment but if you can't manage that then at least aim for one of you to be a reliable employee. In this instance, because you're sick, it makes sense that you stay home.
Whether you should have offered 4 days at home to his 1 (when you were both well ) is a different issue.

@vickyc90

Honestly I'm mum and if it was DH and DS I would go to work. I don't think work would be impressed I took a day off to look after a 31 year old, just bed down on the sofa order a Uber eats if you want food and chill.

But Op isn't asking her DH to take off to look after her?

She is asking him to take time off (which he is legally allowed to do) to look after their two children as she is too unwell.

So many posters saying just chill, get under the duvet etc.... a 9 month old and 5 year old with D&V is simply not chill. It is bloody hard work even if you are healthy yourself-which OP isn't

Ok I think I've had enough...in the main IABU for expecting him to stay home. Thank you for giving me clarity on this.

If / when the situation arises again and he's ill and the kids are ill, he'll have to look after them himself. I'll be going to work. That prescient has been set

The bigger issue is the communication (isn't it always) and we're def having a chat about his attitude when he left this morning.

As many pp have pointed out, we have it better than most, we will survive. For those who sympathised, much appreciated!

Your partner should go to work. Yourself and children will just need rest, sleep, and drinks etc, and cleaning up a bit if they are sick, You can take care of all that.

@timeisnotaline I’m well aware of emergency leave. The aim behind it however is to sort childcare. Yes the DH could utilise but let’s be honest as an employer I’d expect it to be used as last resort not for a run of the mill sickness bug.

YANBU at all and I feel for those who think YABU tbh.

Well,if it's any consolation your asshole husband will most likely have the gastrointestinal virus soon and you should ignore him completely during it and ask him when will he make dinner, vacuum, wash the dishes and offer zero sympathy. Give him the baby

Hopefully he'll come down with it and you can be as sympathetic and helpful to him and he is to you.

Ok, what I've learned from this thread is that people are mostly ok with people showing up to work if other household members are unwell. Hopefully this means covid rules can be scrapped ASAP.