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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
KaleJuicer · 12/10/2021 09:55

YABU. Been in exactly the same situation several times. DH goes to work if he’s well.

RantyAunty · 12/10/2021 09:55

He should have stayed home to help since all of you were sick.

nettie434 · 12/10/2021 09:57

@thedancingbear

I wish I lived in the lovely, cuddly MN world where turning up for work was strictly optional.
That difference between workplaces is what coronavirus has really highlighted. However, it's not a good thing when employers expect people to come to work if they have D&V - especially when they might have norovirus, although in this instance the OP's symptoms suggest that it's something else.

Diarrhoea since Friday is quite a long time for the baby. Might be a good idea to check with GP.

Henio · 12/10/2021 09:58

[quote yellowgecko]@CampagVelocet that is a really good point!

I don't think he told them yesterday why he was off. He's been with the company 10 years and they treat him well, they would probably pay him a couple of days. We are lucky in that we would survive the week if he took it unpaid.

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us. If the roles were reversed absolutely I'd stay at home[/quote]
You didn't though, you went to work

timeisnotaline · 12/10/2021 09:59

Personally I have told my dh he will can pack his bags and fuck off if he strolls off to work leaving me home miserably sick and trying to care for baby again, I was so angry about that. He knows now! It must be very difficult for single parents but i never want to feel like a single parent when sick again, if I do I’ll take steps to be one. Also, when I go back after maternity leave, dh is fully aware that he is parent number 1 for baby- baby is sick he leaves work to collect, and stays home the next day unless it is convenient for me, as I’m just back and want to make a good impression.

Your dh is full of if - if you shouldn’t have gone yesterday since you’re sick today he shouldn’t have gone today as he’s just as probably getting it as you were. I’d tell him you’ve reconsidered and will never again offer the rest of the week if only he takes one day off as he seems to expect you to be the nanny when actually you have a job, so all future home with sick children will be shared equally. And the nanny would never turn up feeling like you do today, she’d call in sick.

BoredZelda · 12/10/2021 09:59

YABU I have been in this position myself 2 very sick kids same age as yours and had the bug myself and my DH works 12 hour shifts he couldn't stay home because we were all sick when he was fine ,you honestly just have to get on with it

You weren’t in the same position. Your DH couldn’t stay at home. OP’s DH wouldn’t stay at home. He was reluctant to the the one to stay home when OP had to work. He thinks his job is more important.

What others have had to do because they were single or struggling for money is irrelevant. This comes down to OP being default parent and her husband being a selfish arse. Does anyone really think if he were ill, he’d be happy for OP to go to work?

If my husband chose to go to work when I was ill and left me to look after two young kids, I’d be livid.

timeisnotaline · 12/10/2021 10:00

But with any luck he comes down with it, in which case you leave him with baby and ds5 snd claim a bed to look after yourself, or if you’re better off you go to work and leave him to it.!

BoredZelda · 12/10/2021 10:01

You didn't though, you went to work

DH wasn’t ill.

RightSaidPleb · 12/10/2021 10:01

I don't think you are unreasonable OP and I bet you're tired and feeling horrible which makes everything worse

I think the real acid test here is if roles were reversed.... if you worked in an office and DH could from home...if you had taken yesterday off and felt fine today whilst DH and DS came down with it-I then suspect your DH would have thrown a massive tantrum and insisted he couldn't look after them and himself and you simply must stay home from work. I sense this from his reaction this morning at being angry about it all...

In a nutshell, if the roles were reversed he would still expect you to stay at home as you are 'mum' and his job is 'more important'. I could be wrong, but I think there is a background of this attitude from him and OP knows this, fuelling her upset.

sunflowerdaisies · 12/10/2021 10:02

I had a D&V bug I caught from my children when they were around 6 months and 2. I asked my husband to take a dependency leave day to look after the children and he did, I think it's what kind, loving partners do.

kateg27 · 12/10/2021 10:02

He can't stay off every time you or the kids are poorly. He'd never be at work. Sickness records matter.
I have been a mum for 14 years and the only time my partner has stayed home was when I was hospitalised. Have a duvet day in front of the television you'll manage.

timeisnotaline · 12/10/2021 10:02

So many typos. This attitude some men have makes me so angry as I remember living it. And being so angry. He still probably doesn’t fully understand my rage about this. No one should treat their partner like that.

daisy46 · 12/10/2021 10:03

YABU. He had to work. He's not sick. You went to work when the kids were sick, now he's gone to work while the kids are sick.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 12/10/2021 10:04

That sounds completely miserable, OP, and yes, assuming it’s OK financially, I’d expect my DP to stay at home and help under those circs.

OneTC · 12/10/2021 10:04

Truly blown away that there's not just one but many full grown adults who'd expect another adult to stay home and look after them if they're mildly ill Shock

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 10:04

@BoredZelda

YABU I have been in this position myself 2 very sick kids same age as yours and had the bug myself and my DH works 12 hour shifts he couldn't stay home because we were all sick when he was fine ,you honestly just have to get on with it

You weren’t in the same position. Your DH couldn’t stay at home. OP’s DH wouldn’t stay at home. He was reluctant to the the one to stay home when OP had to work. He thinks his job is more important.

What others have had to do because they were single or struggling for money is irrelevant. This comes down to OP being default parent and her husband being a selfish arse. Does anyone really think if he were ill, he’d be happy for OP to go to work?

If my husband chose to go to work when I was ill and left me to look after two young kids, I’d be livid.

I think this is the crux for me, he thinks his job is more important. That's not just with this situation, others too. And that is something I need to tackle him about because it's impacting other aspects of our lives.

Also thank you for re-iterating that I wasn't ill on Monday! Thanks

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/10/2021 10:04

@timeisnotaline

So many typos. This attitude some men have makes me so angry as I remember living it. And being so angry. He still probably doesn’t fully understand my rage about this. No one should treat their partner like that.
Going by the knobbish replies on this thread I can see why, when they get enabled to be selfish so much.

Hope you're on the mend soon OP

Swimmingwiththefishes · 12/10/2021 10:05

@daisy46

YABU. He had to work. He's not sick. You went to work when the kids were sick, now he's gone to work while the kids are sick.
Nope. He didn't have to work, OP has made clear her could have taken the day but chose not to

And yesterday he was fine and had one sick baby (the other at school)
Today two sick children please adult with D&V

No comparable at all

NoOtherShadeOfBlue · 12/10/2021 10:06

I feel like a lot of the posters have shitty employers (common), shitty marriages or a shitty inability to empathise with another human being. I also cannot understand the relevance of what single parents have to do - the OP isn’t a single parent. These posts really bring out the Four Yorkshireman race to the bottom types of replies and are full of people who are furious that anyone else in the world might not suffer just as much as they’ve had to. In my world, loving adults in a good relationship take care of each other and share the load. The OP is just back from maternity leave so worried about her own attendance at work, suffering from D&V and looking after two children with the same; it says a lot about a person who can reply to that with ‘suck it up’. If the DH has an utterly inflexible and unsympathetic employer, I’d understand him going in but certainly not his anger and his resentment of having taken the previous day off after he’s just enjoyed nine months of never having to take shared responsibility for absence due to childcare reasons.

kateg27 · 12/10/2021 10:06

@sunflowerdaisies my partner is loving and caring. We also have a mortgage and bills to pay. I can look after myself and my kids when we're poorly. Doesn't make my partner a bad person so please don't imply otherwise.

RightSaidPleb · 12/10/2021 10:08

@OneTC

Truly blown away that there's not just one but many full grown adults who'd expect another adult to stay home and look after them if they're mildly ill Shock
OP isn't home alone mildly ill?

3 members of the household, 2 children are crippled with D&V

When I had it I was in so much pain I could barely stand and I was either vomiting or sitting on the loo every 20 mins for 24 hours

I think I'd smack anyone who said I was mildly ill while in the throes of it!

OneTC · 12/10/2021 10:10

Seems reasonable Confused

hairybakers · 12/10/2021 10:11

... if you can WFH maybe you should've done that yesterday while the kids were at home. Then DH could've taken today off instead of yesterday?

Disclaimer: I don't know how 'full on' your WFH is though, mine i would be able to juggle that with looking after poorlies.

fashionSOS · 12/10/2021 10:14

The first time I read your posts I thought you were being unreasonable, just expecting your DH to not turn up for work because you and the baby are ill, but on reflection, I think you were actually pushing for him to take last minute annual leave, is that right?

He couldn't have taken sick leave or emergency leave in these circumstances, but it would have been reasonable to ask him if he could swing some last minute annual leave to help out. With some professions, this just wouldn't have been possible, but you don't say what your DH does, or if he even asked the question.

Once you're feeling better, I think you need to have an honest conversation about what your DH is planning to do with his annual leave days, as I suspect he thinks he's using them all for holidays. When you have a child, you really need to save some of them back for situations like these, when you're not actually sick yourself but your family needs the support.

Tittyfilarious81 · 12/10/2021 10:17

@BoredZelda

YABU I have been in this position myself 2 very sick kids same age as yours and had the bug myself and my DH works 12 hour shifts he couldn't stay home because we were all sick when he was fine ,you honestly just have to get on with it

You weren’t in the same position. Your DH couldn’t stay at home. OP’s DH wouldn’t stay at home. He was reluctant to the the one to stay home when OP had to work. He thinks his job is more important.

What others have had to do because they were single or struggling for money is irrelevant. This comes down to OP being default parent and her husband being a selfish arse. Does anyone really think if he were ill, he’d be happy for OP to go to work?

If my husband chose to go to work when I was ill and left me to look after two young kids, I’d be livid.

He couldn't because he was not sick himself he was expected to go to work sick wife and kids is no reason for him to be off work at his company . Has op said that her husband can take time off if he's not sick but needs to be home because his wife and kids are ? Did he choose to go to work when it was as simple as staying home because his family are poorly ?op told him to go to work because she didn't think he wanted to stay home so off he went .