If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

lts of peole move around for jobs and property. How do people keep their friends if they and their friends move away. We recently left London and bought a really nice house but dont really know anyone around here. I will try to maintain our previous friendships but it might be really hard to two small kids

Could be either or none of those reasons.
Friendships take time shared interests and openness.
I had lots of friends throughout my teenage years and twenties since having DC it changed.
I had mine at 28 they were mid thirties, some dropped off the grid with babies much earlier.
I'm very close to my siblings now and live near ill parent, it takes up a lot of time but I'd love to meet a like-minded friend just for me outside of the family, they can be smothering.

Combination of things.

All my life - square peg in round hole. Narrative always that it was me who needed to change to fit in (i.e. me = not acceptable, as an adult only discovering who "me" is), burned out from trying from a young age, wasn't accepted anyway, picked on, out and out sustained bullying. Decided I was happiest being a loner yet made clear to me this was not normal.

Adult - similar to above. Always forced to be more outgoing and chatty in work yet still evidently didn't get it right and held against me especially at appraisal times. Yet persevered. Found some like minds sporadically but then got ground down by the me me me stuff, keeping up with the Joneses, little digs about them being "soooo fat!" when they clearly were much slimmer than me, etc. and not being able to afford many suggested activities, etc.

And not one of them could be arsed offering a shred of comfort when Mum died.

Now, I'm done. I'm happy to chat to people online or even in real life at a surface level, and I advocate for other neurodiverse people. Because I'm one. Finally diagnosed and vindicated. ADHD, as yet undiagnosed autism (although psychiatrist says I tick all the boxes), CPTSD, exhausted from work and study, an introvert, a hermit and really not giving a toss about how people see me any more. I no longer have the energy for trying to fit in with others - there is nothing wrong with me even though society often makes me feel that there is. I don't give a toss any more. I'm loved for who I am warts and all, I have my cat, I have my activities and I'm content.

I agree with the poster who mentioned social media. I think it can be a bit of a divider.

I'm not a prolific FaceBooker and i find these days that i shy away from people who are constantly on their phones, posting pics and making announcements.

The opening convo with one of the only two women i'm 'lazy' friends with these days went like this:

her: Hello. Your DD, how's getting on in this class?
me - Super, she loves school and all the buzz of a new class. Yours?
her: Yeah same. Don't know where she gets it from I'm an antisocial moo.
me - yep. The social minefield of the school pick up ay?!
her: you on FB?
me: no, only for village stuff. Got whatsapp but ....
her: MARVELOUS! Same here. Can't be doing with it. Lets have coffee and a natter one day!

and we did!

@knackeredcat - ''And not one of them could be arsed offering a shred of comfort when Mum died.''

You know what? This can be a time when, as they say, you find out who your friends are. Or aren't.

I'll never forget who were the ones who avoided me when my Dad died very suddenly and who were the ones who turned up on the doorstep with a hug. It's not always who you'd expect.

@StaplesCorner

I had two of the loveliest friends ever I'd known around 25 years. They literally completed my life, my kids adored them, they adored my kids - very important as we have hardly any family. They were funny, fierce, intelligent and always there for me. Then they died within a short while of each other; completely random reasons, both sudden. I'm 60 now and its pretty likely I will never have friends like that again; it haunts me.

How awful, so sorry

Like partners, I seem to attract shitty friends. I admit I am almost certainly to blame for the loss of a couple of friendships - I hold my hands up to that. However I stood by my best friend of 20 years whilst she treated me like absolute shit the entire time 🤷🏼‍♀️ I eventually stood up to her once she began treating my child in the same way she treated me, and rather than answers, I got ghosted. Though I'm not at all bothered by that.
If it's her or no friends at all, then I choose none!

If anyone is reading this who lives in the vicinity of York or Harrogate - PM me

I’m 38. I’ve had low self esteem since I was very young and I suspect growing up with a mum who was constantly saying what I said, what I did, how I dressed was wrong has contributed to my shyness. I remember being pushed to go to a sleepover when I was 7 and thinking how come everyone got the social manual but me. I’ve always been shy and I don’t feel like I know how to talk to people if that makes sense. I’m not good at small talk. My children are both autistic so it was very hard to make friends at toddler groups as most of the time I was having to watch them. I spent a lot of time on my own with them at the park. And now I just feel like I don’t know how to socialise. I do feel incredibly lonely. I work part time but we work remotely and everyone is very busy. I do feel a bit sad that I haven’t got anyone I can call upon for a walk or a coffee.

I have worked in an all female environment and it was so toxic, I think this has put me off forming friendships with women, I know not all women are the same but I think there are more toxic females than non toxic.

I have someone who I regard as a ‘good friend‘, or at least I did, and she is overweight and I am slim and toned, one day at mine I was trying a new dress on and she walked in on me when I was just in underwear and I was in front of the mirror, and she behind me, well when I looked in the mirror then her face was one of contempt and jealousy with the way she looked my body up and down, this has put me off of her now because sometimes jealous people can be dangerous.

Her boyfriend also made a comment to her about me being pretty and she said to me, “if he ever flirts with you then I would hope as my friend you would tell him to piss off” and she looked mad, so if her boyfriend flirts with me then it’s going to be my problem when in actual fact, he is a slimy little creep and she is so naive and gullible to him...I can’t see this friendship lasting much longer, it’s like she is punishing me for being attractive and/or for her boyfriend finding me attractive, this isn’t an uncommon thing either.

There is lots of jealousy within female friendships groups and some women just seem to be a target of women being jealous of them, I much prefer male friends nowadays.

I posted up the thread to say that sometimes lack of friends can simply be a mismatch between you and your environment (if I’d spent my entire life in the village I moved to aged 40, I’d certainly be friendless, but I know in that case it was a mismatch with my environment, as I’ve never been without friends anywhere else I lived, and I moved countries just before the first lockdown and despite being in my late 40s and moving house all the time, I’ve made some good friends already), but actually there are a few posts here I wanted to comment on — the ones that say things like ‘more females are toxic than non-toxic’, or ‘most people are shit’ or ‘everyone’s out for themselves’.

I get that these statements are coming out of painful experiences and a desire to self-protect, but it’s hardly surprising that people wouldn’t want to form friendships with people who believe those kinds of things.

3scape
I'm ugly, fat autistic with a speech impediment. But fairly sure I'm just unpleasant. But I'm out of trying to jump through hoops now. I see others friendships turn out to be hollow, fragile. Friends are transitory and transactional anyway

Same except for the speech impediment. I have a couple of wonderful people in my life who 'get' me but that is despite what I'm actually like.

And actually most people ARE out for what they can get - cynicism is a useful trait

I'm just a bit of a loner I think. I'm not shy - I'm in a career where I chat a lot to the public and genuinely enjoy it, but I think inside I'm very unwilling to open myself up to the risk of people not liking the 'real me'😢

I get that these statements are coming out of painful experiences and a desire to self-protect, but it’s hardly surprising that people wouldn’t want to form friendships with people who believe those kinds of things.

Wow. Luckily some people see beyond that

@Pythonista

And actually most people ARE out for what they can get - cynicism is a useful trait

Well, as the attitudes I quoted came from people made unhappy by their friendless state, I’m not sure that level of cynicism is useful when it comes to inhabiting the world with other people.

I don't agree that it means something is wrong with you at all, there are some judgemental twats around here. There could be a million reasons.

I've had times of my life where I've felt friendless, other times when I've felt I didn't have time to do anything other than see and maintain friendships. For the most part, I think they are friendships are transitionary. I see them a lot like any other relationship - people change, people move on, you outgrow each other... Just because you find yourself at a point in life without friends doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Maybe you just can't be arsed with other people's bullshit.

@Pythonista

I get that these statements are coming out of painful experiences and a desire to self-protect, but it’s hardly surprising that people wouldn’t want to form friendships with people who believe those kinds of things.

Wow. Luckily some people see beyond that

Well, as these statements came from people who self-identified as friendless, it doesn’t sound as though many people to see beyond it. Also, why would a woman want, for instance, want to befriend another woman who believes most ‘females’ are toxic?

This is such an interesting thread to read. I love seeing other people's experiences with this.

I personally think it's down to personal choice, lack of opportunity to make friends, not having a personality/energy that people naturally gravitate towards, or not being good at maintaining friendships.

I'm in my late 30s, very warm/friendly - but I'm an introvert. Any new friends I make tend to be extroverts, which means I often end up feeling suffocated by constant texts or invitations to do things.

I have two best friends, who I've known for 15-20 years. I adore them. I'm also very close to my sister. Our connections work because we're all similar - we like our own space, we don't feel the need to constantly talk, and we're really flexible.

It's impossible to replicate the depth of these connections, because there are already so many miles on the clock. That's kind of what I struggle with, with new friends. New friendships feel exciting to me at first; but after about 6 months, I usually get bored. There is not enough depth for me, or something. I just start to feel completely uninterested in texting or meeting up.

I tend to find my activity/proximity-based friendships quite shallow. At first, I enjoyed having new people to do new stuff with. But after a while, I start to realise that we're too different. Like, they might be more materialistic, or not as open-minded, or something else.

I'm moving to the coast in a year or so, and honestly, one of the parts I'm most looking forward to is getting away from the social buzz of the city. I just want my time to be my own, and I really love the idea of being able to go a few months at a time without going back to the city to see the people I do want to see. I often wonder if I'll feel differently when I move, and whether I'll feel lonely without lots of people I know in the area.

Basically I'm a lazy, ungrateful friend :p

I'm 50. I have no close friends where I live. I find it hard to find like-minded people tbh. My small number of long-term, closer friends are scattered around the country. I haven't had a 'tribe' since university. I think I took for granted the sheer number of 'people like me' that I knew back then. Not that you have to be the same as your friends, but it helps to have things in common.

@Halfpace it was I that said females are more toxic than non toxic and you are saying that it’s no wonder people don’t want to be friends with people that believe in these things.

That’s been my experience with women, I have met more awful bitchy ones that nice ones and for you to say that this is my fault, is pretty annoying, and you really don’t know what you are talking about, many many women are this way and there are even articles on this subject, sometimes the more attention that a female receives from men, then the more toxic females can be to her, don’t pretend this isn’t true, I have had quite a few women jealous of me over the years and I am a friendly person, sometimes I have been in situations with a group of women and I haven’t even uttered a word and they’ve been awful to me, this isn’t me being a nasty cow or anything, when women are bitchy to you on sight then 9/10 that jealousy, some women can pretend it’s not but it is.

@Halfpace I don’t go around meeting women and saying “I believe most women are toxic”, so why the hell wouldn’t they want to be pals with me because I think this, if they don’t know I think this way?!

This is MN where I am anonymous, I am simply saying it’s been my experience with women, if I had met more women that were lovely then I would probably be saying ‘most women are lovely’, but that’s not what I’ve found and most women I’ve spoken to have also had many issues with women, when you work with only women for 50hours a week for years then you see their toxicity, and it’s worse when they have that gang mentality.

[quote HateJudgmentalPeople]@Halfpace I don’t go around meeting women and saying “I believe most women are toxic”, so why the hell wouldn’t they want to be pals with me because I think this, if they don’t know I think this way?!

This is MN where I am anonymous, I am simply saying it’s been my experience with women, if I had met more women that were lovely then I would probably be saying ‘most women are lovely’, but that’s not what I’ve found and most women I’ve spoken to have also had many issues with women, when you work with only women for 50hours a week for years then you see their toxicity, and it’s worse when they have that gang mentality.[/quote]
Oh you should come over to the 'Zoom meeting with a bully' thread if you want a demo of exactly how fucking toxic women are.

Op thinks she may be on a Zoom with her old school bully. Posters telling her to smile smugly, complain afterward that the woman was unprofessional etc

Most people are shit. I don’t want them to like me though, so is it ok for me to say that?

Lot of autistic women on this thread.

Are there any groups? I would join one if there was one local to me.

I do think that ASD individuals ARE a tribe and they are the people we will gravitate to and 'get' most readily. I'm not really into social events or the sphere of 'female' interests - honestly bored by it - but would love some autistic female friends to walk and talk with!