to hate having to decide what the bin eats every day

[3kidsinsane]

I have 3 kids and it drives me nuts having to come up with things to eat that suit everyone for dinner every night. Guaranteed somebody doesn't like it. I feel that the bin is the best fed in our house. DD2 has texture, colour and shape issues with food (if they are "wrong" then it's in the bin) If I get it wrong once then that's the food off the safe list because she doesn't trust it anymore. The other 2 aren't too bad but have phases. I can't remember the last time we had something like a roast dinner where everyone was happy

@Joystir59

How can a human being have such issues with food to the point of starving? Surely if they were just presented with simple foods placed on the table to choose from at each meal time they'd choose something and eat it rather than starve to death? I mean, how do you get into them deciding lasagna has to be a perfect square?

Bitter experience says they absolutely can and will not eat if food sets off a sensory processing disorder. You have to understand that for some people, food is not pleasurable, it is a necessary evil to keep you alive.

I honestly can’t believe the comments saying ‘eat it or starve’ ‘eat what I offer no exceptions’.
Your daughter clearly has issues with food, it’s not just that she doesn’t fancy what you’re offering it sounds like she’s almost a bit scared to try different things. I have two friends who both have children with food issues. One of these children looks almost pained to eat, she definitely doesn’t enjoy food. The way she chews it with almost a look of revulsion on her face and she quickly swallows it says to me that she’s starving so she has to eat something but she’d really rather not have to.
People have very old fashioned views about children and food but there’s a huge difference between a fussy eater and someone with food issues.

You have my symapthies OP. My DS2 has been diagnosed ARFID and meal times at ay time of the day are a nightmare. He eats a very small range of foods (about 10 altogether for the whole day and that can only be eaten at certain times) and had has the same evening meal for the last 2 years. He is under a dietician and has suppliments because he has an almost zero calcium intake. He would starve himself instead of eating and has ended up in hospital a couple of times after refusing to eat or drink anything so has had to have a drip. He does have severe ASD too.

Its really difficult and I feel for you. The only way I can get round it is to cook different meals. DD and I are veggie and she is quite an easy eater so it isnt too difficult. We did go through a phase of DD being restrictive with her diet because she saw DS doing it and 'getting away with it' which was hard to manage.

@3kidsinsane solidarity, I've been there and am still there. We have given up eating as a family in the week as DD (16) can't cope with the pressure of eating in a group and will currently only eat Bachelor's SuperNoodles. DS3 (11) has a list of five or six beige meals he can bear that are eaten in rotation. Both are now diagnosed with ASD and (different) Sensory Processing Disorders.

It took me a long time to let go of the idea that we must All Eat The Same Thing As A Family but honestly it is better to cater to requirements. DS3 can now produce his own meals of choice (and I very much recognise the whole cucumber and a punnet of tomatoes for lunch) and there are fewer food flashpoints. It takes some getting used to, though, producing meat for only 2 people but salad for 4, with two types of cheese, 3 different dressings, rice and tortillas and keep the avocado away from me, I love it but it makes me so ill, and so on. It helps if I think of meals as a set of components and make sure there is protein, carb, veg, sauce that everyone can eat even if it means multiples under different headings.

Once a week, we eat roast as a family when DS2 comes over, but cook it as totally separate sections (including 4 veg and two different presentations of carrots) and DS3 often has a pickled egg not meat.

Good luck. Sending strength.

I agree with PP who adopted a 'serve yourself' style. I don't do it for every meal but it works really well for things like fajitas and Sunday dinner. It's makes more washing up but mealtimes are a lot calmer. Include a bowl or two of guaranteed favourites- sweetcorn or broccoli always go down well here.,

Ugh, sounds awful. My lot have no severe food issues (DH did when he was young) but the sheer effort of pleasing even a 'normal' fussy family is extremely irritating.

This probably won't help but when they were younger we had a dinner called sixes and sevens which was six or seven different things on a plate including one newish thing and at least 3 favourites/safe foods all separate, so carrot sticks, crackers, bits of cheese, a pickle, slice of ham, cherry tomato, boiled egg, sliced apple (essentially random fridge items). It was easy for me and they tended to be happy with it too.

Good luck, and remember they will leave home eventually!!!

This obviously goes beyond being a fussy eater. Making your own chicken nuggets and then that 'messing up' her eating the other ones suggests a real distrust of food IMO. Does she have other issues (thinking this sort of thing is often seen with ASD) or is it just food that she has issues with?

Can I ask a genuine question . Someone mentioned this is a control issue in many cases . So can anyone of an older generation remember similar issues ? To this extent? What happened when there was not the wide choice of food ? I was never given a choice at any meal . I can’t think of anyone of my age that had a choice at all ? I Mainly would not eat vegetables . My parents just took away what I left .

I had a niece who would only eat crisps and bread . She is fine now. No problems and has been through university.

Is there too much choice ? Too much overload of available foods?

I like the idea of the buffet style meals . I should try that with my grandchildren .

My DSS is like this (PDA) and I’ve found:

• putting a selection on the table really helps. He can choose, he can also eat more of something he enjoys.

• don’t turn it into a battle. Honestly it is upsetting when you make outstanding pancakes and they won’t eat one because it’s not a perfect circle (or whatever). But the ‘protests’ at the table are designed to draw you into an argument over which they can become demand avoidant. So I ignore. ‘I don’t like this pancake’ okay that’s fine darling, DSS2 what did you do at school today? Once you remove the battle, you’ll find they actually do eat things. It’s the anxiety over eating it, you have to reduce it.

• incentivise. Peas are non negotiable, but we negotiate a bit on how many. Peas eaten every night for a fortnight earn PlayStation credits.

• offer choice, but not endless. One great thing I learned was if you say ‘would you like fishfingers or chicken nuggets’ dinner is non-negotiable, I’ve set out the menu for you, and because you have made the choice you eat it. Fact remains either way you’re still having dinner, it’s just making them feel like they own it.

• make dinner time fun. Conversation cards are really good, fun kids questions ‘what superpower would you have’ that kind of thing. It distracts from the feeling of I DON’T LIKE THIS.

OP, honestly try it. My DSS used to live on the same three foods over and over. We had stand offs for days over eating where he would survive on toast. We tried force feeding spaghetti hoops once because we had parents who say ‘oh they’ll eat if they’re starving’ and it’s utter rubbish. He screamed the house down for hours and he refused to eat for two days. He could discern between a battered or breaded chicken nugget at twenty yards.

Now, I have a DSS I will happily take to a restaurant for dinner. You can and will overcome it.

Pick your battles and make them count. Be patient, don’t take it to heart, remember that those little sensory things make them experience tremendous discomfort and battered chicken nuggets or breaded chicken nuggets to a small child is the difference between them believing it’s A GOOD DAY or A BAD DAY.

@CeceJoyce

I don’t think people are denying the food issues but we should be asking ourselves why surely ?

What would have happened during rationing ?

And if it was not a problem then , why is it a problem now ?

During rationing food was probably a lot simpler, meat and 2 veg type meals

I haven’t rtft (there’s always so much ignorance it’s disheartening) but I just want to let you know I’m in a similar situation.

We had some success with a behavioural approach, rewarding trying new foods (some of them minor variations) following a protocol where we rewarded touching the food to lips, touching to tongue, putting it in mouth, and taking a bite chewing and swallowing.

Unfortunately lockdown and difficulties getting safe foods set us right back.

At one point, ds was so good about trying new things that he was one of very few dc in his class who tried everything when they ran a fruit and veg week at school.

We’re slowly getting back to a point where he’s willing to try again.

Anyway - massive sympathy because I know what you’re talking about is real and very, very tough on you.

@3kidsinsane. A mother's basic instinct is to feed their child so it must be torture for you. I really feel for you.

I agree with some pp's.
Bowls of food for choice and also leftovers can be frozen or reused in something else. I hate throwing food away so this must be soul destroying.

Does your DD have to come home for lunch?

What is DD's eating like with other people, grandparents, friends etc?

Does she eat with other people without you being there?

Has she always been like this with food or is this recent?

I'm sure you have exhausted all options but perhaps mealtimes can be less food focused (iyswim)? Distractions while eating, like happy hands? No chivvying along or checking what DD is eating?

Good luck OP. It must be exhausting

@Harlequin1088

Yeah sorry I wouldn't be putting up with that. I'm in the camp of eat it or go without. I don't believe in making different meals for everyone in the household. You're not a restaurant. You'll drive yourself crazy doing this for the rest of your days.

What do you suppose children in disadvantaged homes/poor countries do? Do you reckon they get hung up on the shape of their food? Or do you reckon they're grateful for every morsel? There's your answer.

Ffs. Face palm

Sorry, forgot to mention that he didn't like to eat in front of others either. He always ate by himself in his room, and he seemed to eat more when he could do this. (Still eats by himself a lot of the time too)

I feel like I need to expand. Im now used to this way of cooking. DD2 always has safe food available and I really dont make a big deal about food. At least once a week we all have something that's from the safe food list so she isn't always the only one eating her food.

I suppose I just find it exhausting that I love cooking nice food but there is no point because I would pretty much be the only person that would eat it.
I know none of my kids would starve but id just like to be able to cook something new and it be enjoyed.

sjxoxo the posters DD has undiagnosed issues that are sensory so the way she eats is totally different from a child that is just being fussy. I have had two friends with dc who had food issues. One is on the autistic spectrum and it turned out the other had ehlers danlers syndrome. So dealing with these dc has to be different from regular advice. My friends DS would literally have starved and he eats very limited foods.

All we did was always eat with dc and always give them the same food as us. That was it no big deal plus pudding is not eaten in this house very often. So none of this negotiation with pudding if you eat mains. My other friend did have fussy eaters in the regular sense but they almost never ate together as a family, she gave them a different dinner.

Unsure33 no I don’t remember so many issues amongst dc but remember when we were young children with SN were sent to special schools so we did not come across dc with so many issues. There was a lad in my DS class at primary who had extensive SN and behaviours that required a constant 1 to 1 assistant. He would never have gone to school with us in our generation. Baroness Warnock chaired the committee who came up with inclusivity in schools. She did have serious misgivings about how the system ended up. That commission reported in about 1978. So by the time integration took place I would have been close to leaving sixth form, I’m in my 50’s.

@Unsure33
I’ve just read quite a few comments suggesting her daughter will eat when she’s hungry. To offer only one meal, like it or not. Not every poster agrees with this I’m just surprised some people could be so harsh.
Even as adults that are foods we don’t like. For instance I despise custard, cream cakes, burgers and bubble and squeak. I couldn’t eat those things for love nor money, I’d be sick.
some children feel this way but just about a lot of food rather than a handful. I have no idea what happened in years gone by with children with food issues but I don’t think food issues can’t exist because maybe once they didn’t.

@ApricotShandy exactly what I've done with my two kids with ASD and food issues (under advisement) and it's worked well. They're now teens, and while a few meals still end up in the bin, most are devoured and I even get the (very) occasional compliment

It was very hard not showing how frustrated I was, a lot of breezy 'you don't want it - oh well, never mind, you can have cheese, toast or an apple instead' while inwardly seething.

Another thing I was told was to put everything in bowls on the table and let them help themselves - that meant that they only had the bits they wanted, and were more likely to eat them. So we'd have something with protein, a veg, a salad, and some kind of carb, all in separate bowls. Occasionally some nuts to nibble as they're so nutritious (no allergies luckily).

@3kidsinsane

I feel like I need to expand. Im now used to this way of cooking. DD2 always has safe food available and I really dont make a big deal about food. At least once a week we all have something that's from the safe food list so she isn't always the only one eating her food. I suppose I just find it exhausting that I love cooking nice food but there is no point because I would pretty much be the only person that would eat it. I know none of my kids would starve but id just like to be able to cook something new and it be enjoyed.

I really felt for you reading your words here. I adore trying new foods and exploring the world through food, and also love cooking delicious food like you. I still feel a bit stifled by cooking for the family and my limitations are not in the same league as yours. Sending emergency fellow chef sympathies. I hope in time this can change for you.

This is exactly why I do picky/picnic style meals for dinner now. Everything is separate, people can choose what to eat and I can choose individual items I know that they will eat.

I just hate the idea of forcing children to eat food they don't want to. It can be a huge source of stress for children.

Oh and then I cook what I want for me and DP :) There's nothing wrong with cooking something only you will enjoy x

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

Food was put on the table in separate bowls I'm my house. You could take what you liked out of the options,a bit of everything or just one item, it was fine. The only rule is/was that if you put it on your plate then you eat it

I think this is a good idea. When mine were young I don't think they realised they could say "I don't like this". I put the dinner on the table and it never occurred to me to ask what they wanted. This also worked with foster kids and childminded kids. Including two children with SN, and children who were fussy for their parents. But you have the problem now, and I'd say to them , "This is what we're having today, help yourself to what you want of it, but be warned, there's nothing else, so if you don't want to go to bed hungry, make sure you eat enough now" and stick to it. Every day. Your child with suspected SN may have refused dinner for 6 days, but I'm sure they didn't starve in that time!

Plus Unsure33 the generation previous to me which is basically WWII era many children were institutionalised that had physical disabilities and special needs issues. They died having never been part of the outside world.

Also very premature babies would just not have survived and the chances of having SN is increased with prematurity it’s not a given but a higher chance. I just checked and in the US a baby born in 1940 12 weeks early had a 5 to 10% chance of survival that chance is now 80 to 90%.

I studied social history though it was many moons ago and have been involved with research in to poverty and educational outcomes but have also been fascinated by the history of disease and food which also impacted on my research area.

Can you afford any private help? My DD age 5 is just like this. We now have a dietitian - it costs £100 a month and she gives us tailored ideas to suit our child. We have seen a marginal improvement but mostly I fell loads better that we are taking positive action and I am in control again - not my 5 year old.

Meal times are no longer unpleasant. We all have the same food offered which always includes one or two things the picky one sometimes eats. We don’t talk about who eats what.

Incidentally I believe my DD has high functioning ASD traits. Although no diagnosis (DH and school aren’t convinced)