to hate having to decide what the bin eats every day

[3kidsinsane]

I have 3 kids and it drives me nuts having to come up with things to eat that suit everyone for dinner every night. Guaranteed somebody doesn't like it. I feel that the bin is the best fed in our house. DD2 has texture, colour and shape issues with food (if they are "wrong" then it's in the bin) If I get it wrong once then that's the food off the safe list because she doesn't trust it anymore. The other 2 aren't too bad but have phases. I can't remember the last time we had something like a roast dinner where everyone was happy

@victoriaspongecake

Will they eat cereal? If so I would just serve cereal to them at every meal and make myself something I like to eat. Eventually they will tire and eat properly. Too much fussing over children nowadays. Eat it or leave it always worked years ago. Not enough food to be fussy with back in the day.

cereal is "a breakfast food" god help me if I have a bowl of cereal during the day. There's definitely more to it than just being fussy

Just a suggestion (and ymmv, especially if there are additional factors like allergies or autism) but this really worked for us:

Provide just one family meal every night, but always have an extremely easy and filling "safe food" available as backup for anyone who doesn't want the main dinner, eg plain bread, buttered toast, a healthy muesli type thing, and maybe an ever-stocked fruit bowl. This backup food should be the same thing every single night, and require zero thought or preparation from you.

As the parent, your line is roughly this: "this is what's for dinner, for all of us. It is my job as your parent to provide plenty of healthy, nutritious food every day, but it is totally up to you, the child, to decide how much of it you eat, because it's your body and you know how hungry you are. If you don't like this dinner, there is toast, but no other alternative."

Yes maybe one of them will eat only toast and fruit for dinner for a week. Or a month! Not a problem, they'll survive. You provided a variety of healthy dinners that entire time, and they chose how much to eat. You can also, at the point of doing the weekly food shop, take meal requests to get them involved in menu planning and gladly accept offers of help from the dc in making dinner. But once the menu is set, it is non-negotiable.

But most important of all: do not comment at all on what anyone eats, good or bad. Never say "hey well done, clean plates!", and never say "oh no, sorry you didn't like it, why don't you just try..." etc. Don't act offended if they don't like it. Don't comment on if they only eat toast for days. As long as you know the food you have offered is nourishing and well-prepared, how much of it they eat is actually none of your business. You're their parent, not their personal chef.

The trick, I found, is to remove personal emotions from the food situation. You just provide dinner, and consider your job done. It's hard because food IS emotional. But in my experience, if you can remove as much emotion and frustration from it as possible, and just make it as basic and unemotional as, for example, providing heating and shelter for your children, life really does get easier because the pressure is removed, from everyone.

And it helps to make things that can be easily converted to leftovers (freezing leftover lasagne, for example, is great because that's a future lunch sorted for someone) so the bin gets a break!

Is it worth just making her foods on repeat and doing separate meals for the rest of you? At 11 if she's willing to starve herself to avoid certain foods it may be a special need. I grew up phobic of certain foods (diagnosed with ARFID now) and eating caused severe mental distress. When my mum finally let up about it, it eased. Can she cook her preferred foods herself?

If I'm honest this is one of my massive overriding memories of my mum... Not the days out she took me on, the Christmas and birthday presents she bought, not the nice things she did for me... This is one of the biggest memories I have and it's not positive. Think about whether that's what you want in your relationship with your child. I assume you're an adult now? If so then you're obviously aware of where your mother took you etc. You're choosing to keep that memory so prominent. I have never met a single parent who hasn't upset (for want of a better word) their child. Imagine if that one time was the thing your child said they remember the most about you.

I have fussy children I do a lot of help yourself dinners and everyone serves themselves from central platters. I find it takes a lot of the stress out of things. I don't mix things very often so bolognaise is served with seperate pasta and one helps themselves to mayo, grated cheese and peas. The pickiest child I try and include in the prep work and she has a little nibble of a lot of things. It's really broadened her palate.

Bananas are my go to if someone really doesn't want dinner.

Sorry I missed your other updates; your DD does sound like there may be SN going on here.

I do recommend always having a bland safe food available, not just saying "it's this dinner or starve". You're not running a prison.

She sounds more difficult than your average fussy child.
Would she eat soup ? I've managed to get mine into different coloured soups where I can hide a load of veg.

I remember at nursery them doing a tasters board where they had to try everything blind and guess what it was and say if they like. It was presented as a game as opposed to dinner.

I've also told mine they need to eat the rainbow in colours, so asked what is their favourite food is in each colour.

It's difficult getting variety in. I find cooking food with one or two ingredients works as they can then see exactly what they're getting, with a veg on the side that they have to at least try.

What does she eat at lunchtime? Assume she doesn't have school dinners

Plain food works in this house. No sauces. No mixing of foods. Put out to help themselves from serving dishes - think old style Sunday lunch. Our food has the continuation of mixing/sauces etc etc. eventually they started to try things. Not much and very slowly. I learnt children don’t starve after seeing how little some people eat. I also learnt that there is a lot more to fuss over than food . Sorry probably not helpful.

ApricotShandy your post reminded me of my mum and her 'you can fill up on bread' if we didn't like something or were still hungry.

That is a restricted menu for your DD! Poor you!
I do not chuck food out if not eaten today. It goes into tapperware, fridge, served next day.
If not liked, then it is another issue, sadly.

Do not plate for them, let them serve themselves, so you can keep the left overs? Or will they not eat enough like this you think?

she comes home for lunch. Theres pretty limited options for lunch too. I am very grateful that she loves salad (will eat a whole cucumber and tomatoes just for a snack). Id be more worried if there was no veg. We cant even really go out for food unless its greggs (sausage roll) or subway (sub with pepperoni, meatballs and cheese)

Just here for solidarity. My three don’t have actual food issues, just general annoying fussiness and never liking the same thing. It’s all very well suggesting either just give them the food and if they eat it, they eat it, if not they go hungry…or even to say try x,y,z, try different toppings, serving it in this way….but when you spend hours of your extremely busy life thinking about meals, buying food, making it..and then no matter what the meal is there’s always one crying because they don’t like it, or declaring it disgusting, or spending an hour over one plate because they are slowly forcing it down one grain of rice at a time, hoping you’ll say oh just give up then…it’s very disheartening and makes it feel like all that effort was wasted and yes, it just ends up in the bin. It’s why I dont enjoy eating meals with the kids mostly because I find the whole process stressful, there’s never a meal that everyone just enjoys!

I would take the stress out of a few dinners a week by serving 'picnic food' (cold chicken, ham, carrot sticks, bread, cucumber etc.) or DIY meals (DIY plain pasta with the sauce and cheese served separately, DIY wraps). Then try normal family meals 3-4 days a week with a 'safe' back up food like plain pasta or rice.

@AveryGoodlay

If I'm honest this is one of my massive overriding memories of my mum... Not the days out she took me on, the Christmas and birthday presents she bought, not the nice things she did for me... This is one of the biggest memories I have and it's not positive. Think about whether that's what you want in your relationship with your child. I assume you're an adult now? If so then you're obviously aware of where your mother took you etc. You're choosing to keep that memory so prominent. I have never met a single parent who hasn't upset (for want of a better word) their child. Imagine if that one time was the thing your child said they remember the most about you.

But frankly it wasn't just one time. Food was a constant battleground for us and it overshadowed a lot of my childhood. I appreciate you don't understand but it's not as simple as you paint.

@ApricotShandy

Sorry I missed your other updates; your DD does sound like there may be SN going on here.

I do recommend always having a bland safe food available, not just saying "it's this dinner or starve". You're not running a prison.

This is what I do. I have a 13yo and a 5yo that will eat anything, and an 8yo who’s a pain in the arse. I can’t even attempt to cater for her because she changes her mind every day what she likes. So she’s been given 1 alternative option to our main meal, and has now been taught how to stick a jacket potato/beans in the micro and fish fingers in the air fryer. So it’s whatever I’ve made or she can have a jacket and beans if she makes it herself. I notice you mention ‘bedtime snacks’ on top of the breakfast and lunch she eats every day op. My children don’t eat again after they’ve had their dinner, feeding her bedtime snacks after she’s refused her dinner is not helping the situation. So she still is actually eating dinner every day, just a bit later

She didn't eat dinner, still had breakfast lunch and bedtime snack (no other snacks though)

DD2 is 11

I think I’d stop worrying so much if I were you. If you look at what DD2 eats over a week - rather than a day - is it varied and sufficient for all food groups? Is she growing normally? If yes to both those, just don’t stress.

For instance, the tortilla pockets. We’d have a similar response to your DC, but I have one less child to cater to. One would prefer just the pocket, salad and cheese, one would have everything. So I’m only missing the child who’d have just the mince.

But you can freeze the mince (and the tortilla pockets if you like) and do that meal again. You don’t need to bin it all. It’s totally fine that on a meal like that, which is separate components, everyone eats what they actually like. Freeze the leftovers then next time you don’t even need to cook!

Make all your meals ‘components’. So don’t cook stews etc but you can do e.g. sweet & sour nuggets (of the kind that’s approved, sauce & nuggets served separately), with noodles & stir fry veg. Fine, some will only eat the nuggets & noodles, but it’s all there to be tried.

I’d nix the bedtime snack, definitely.

Texture is a huge thing for some children. Equally food mixed on a plate. I absolutely agree with the pp who suggested separate bowls. Even if one of them has chicken nuggets in every day, there will be cucumber and tomatoes too. Doesn't matter if food is on repeat for now. Sounds very like one of dd's friends - mum very sensibly decided not to make an issue. She is so so much better now.

@ApricotShandy

Just a suggestion (and ymmv, especially if there are additional factors like allergies or autism) but this really worked for us:

Provide just one family meal every night, but always have an extremely easy and filling "safe food" available as backup for anyone who doesn't want the main dinner, eg plain bread, buttered toast, a healthy muesli type thing, and maybe an ever-stocked fruit bowl. This backup food should be the same thing every single night, and require zero thought or preparation from you.

As the parent, your line is roughly this: "this is what's for dinner, for all of us. It is my job as your parent to provide plenty of healthy, nutritious food every day, but it is totally up to you, the child, to decide how much of it you eat, because it's your body and you know how hungry you are. If you don't like this dinner, there is toast, but no other alternative."

Yes maybe one of them will eat only toast and fruit for dinner for a week. Or a month! Not a problem, they'll survive. You provided a variety of healthy dinners that entire time, and they chose how much to eat. You can also, at the point of doing the weekly food shop, take meal requests to get them involved in menu planning and gladly accept offers of help from the dc in making dinner. But once the menu is set, it is non-negotiable.

But most important of all: do not comment at all on what anyone eats, good or bad. Never say "hey well done, clean plates!", and never say "oh no, sorry you didn't like it, why don't you just try..." etc. Don't act offended if they don't like it. Don't comment on if they only eat toast for days. As long as you know the food you have offered is nourishing and well-prepared, how much of it they eat is actually none of your business. You're their parent, not their personal chef.

The trick, I found, is to remove personal emotions from the food situation. You just provide dinner, and consider your job done. It's hard because food IS emotional. But in my experience, if you can remove as much emotion and frustration from it as possible, and just make it as basic and unemotional as, for example, providing heating and shelter for your children, life really does get easier because the pressure is removed, from everyone.

And it helps to make things that can be easily converted to leftovers (freezing leftover lasagne, for example, is great because that's a future lunch sorted for someone) so the bin gets a break!

Love this. Perfect. Kids only ‘discover’ food because adults buy//prepare/cook food. We wean babies without them having stepped foot in a Supermarket. We are responsible as parents for providing food, but not a cafeteria range. Having said that, I do feel for you OP and hopefully you can try some of the many helpful pieces of advice you’ve had on here. Good luck.

Tonight was tortilla pockets.
DD1 had everything
DD2 had the pocket with salad
DS1 had just the mince on a plate

You know what, I think this sounds fine. If your child is really fussy and seems to have sensory issues around food then I think serving something like this where every kid will eat some combination is a great approach. It's a bit boring but it's better than masses of stress.

From experience with my fussy DC:
a) If we let her eat the foods she likes (within reason) - then she eats a fairly restricted diet but everyone is reasonably happy
b) If we wheedle, cajole, shout, say she can't have anything else until she eats it, etc - then she still eats a fairly restricted diet, but everyone is sad and cross.

So we mostly go with option a!!

@JayAlfredPrufrock

My friend’s son ate only cracottes and green apples for months. He went to Cambridge.

I’m sorry but eat it or starve in our house.

My mum tried that. My eating disorder started swiftly after at age 7 and decades on my eating isn’t much better than it was at 5 despite lots of therapies to help… You were only able to do it because it worked for your kids. I’m pretty sure you would’ve stopped if they collapsed or ended up seriously ill.

That sounds really hard OP! The kids I know of who have these sort of food issues are on the spectrum and would choose to starve rather than eat something they can’t cope with.

My approach would be letting her have as much control as you can over what food is served to her for dinner, and also in other areas of her life to reduce her anxiety overall.

If you can manage to not appear stressed by the mealtime shenanigans it may help calm her down also, but I understand it’s really tough to deal with and you are human too!

I was a very fussy eater as a child. Outright refused vegetables and fruit. So everything was meat + potatoes of whatever kind (chips, mash, roasted etc). I couldn’t physically stand the taste/texture.

My mum tried everything but all it did was make me miserable and still not like the food. Eventually (and thankfully) she gave up.

I’m now nearing 30 and my diet is considerably better. I still don’t like fruit but I can tolerate some veg as long as it’s cut up small so I don’t have to deal with the texture. But, ultimately, I can actually try and eat different types of food now. Indian, Chinese, Japanese which I like now where completely unattainable ideas when I was younger. I try new things all the time.

So while your DDs fussiness is more extreme than mine was, there is still hope. I found when I went to uni I opened up to trying different food. When previous boyfriends would order something wild off the menu I’d be table to try a forkful and then at least if I didn’t like it, I hadn’t wasted money and still had a meal I liked to eat. If it was a winner, I’d order it next time.

I remember once in Subway I was ordering a really plain sub. Think meat, cheese, no sauce and no veg. The guy on the counter was like “are you sure you don’t want any sauce, even a tiny bit?” I assured him no, it was fine. He actually ended up putting some in a little pot to try if I wanted anyway. Low and behold, I tried the southwest sauce and liked it. So now I have it on every subway I have 😅. I know some people wouldn’t appreciate his actions but I did because it meant I could try it before I possibly “ruined” my lunch and if I didn’t like it, no loss.

So following on from that idea, I think that’s a good way to go. Give her something which is safe but cook something different for you/the others and leave her a really tiny serving in a side bowl. If she wants to try it, she can. If she doesn’t like it, she still has her safe food to eat. If she does then she has another option added to her list.

That’s just me, though. The “you eat this or you starve” scenario would have plunged me into disordered eating because, genuinely, I wouldn’t be able to cope. So I would have starved myself and sat and picked out every single thing I couldn’t eat, even if it took me hours.

If they are hungry they will eat anything....let em starve for a while...sound very ungrateful !!

just do what they will eat and don't beat yourself up about it.

we got away with being able to eat a range of dinners, (but definitely had to have a proper dinner at the right time of day) but it was the snacks and packed lunch that were a major factor in food life of one of mine.