to hate having to decide what the bin eats every day

[3kidsinsane]

I have 3 kids and it drives me nuts having to come up with things to eat that suit everyone for dinner every night. Guaranteed somebody doesn't like it. I feel that the bin is the best fed in our house. DD2 has texture, colour and shape issues with food (if they are "wrong" then it's in the bin) If I get it wrong once then that's the food off the safe list because she doesn't trust it anymore. The other 2 aren't too bad but have phases. I can't remember the last time we had something like a roast dinner where everyone was happy

oh and we do not do the eating together at the table shite... one eats upstairs in their room, one eats at the ttable supervised but I have the radio on to cover my sensory issues. I eat in peace when they are in bed.

I feel your pain! I haven’t “plated up” dinner for 10 years! I cook, it’s then put into dishes and everyone helps themselves to what they would like. Basically, every meal is served like a buffet.
It works for us.

@earsup

If they are hungry they will eat anything....let em starve for a while...sound very ungrateful !!

disabled children do not eat when they are hungry. it just does not work like that. Thankfully the medical experts do know this.

In your shoes I’d probably look for some professional support for DD2. It sounds like it’s beyond picky eating and moving towards a food phobia. It sounds very hard.

That sounds really difficult OP.
All I can think of, is draw up a list of headings - veg, carb, protein, fruit, meal etc - on a sheet of paper for each one and get them to list what they like in each category. Then take that and try to come up with meals from the ingredients. My DC doesn't really like any combo meals where food is mixed togetehr (like chili, stew etc), she mainly likes a plate of a veg, a carb and a protein, so we work with that.

Would family style dinners be an option each meal including some of your dd2’s safe foods?

All In the middle of the table and they help themselves to what they fancy from it?

Some might have more veg, some more bread but who cares they’re all having something and maybe less stress for you as you can’t see what’s been left on each individuals plate? Division of responsibilities. Anything left over can be frozen for another day? Just an idea

Would you be open to a paediatric dietician for dd2 as it does sound like there are some food sensory issues there? If a long wait on nhs, can pay private for around £200? X

@earsup

If they are hungry they will eat anything....let em starve for a while...sound very ungrateful !!

That kind of advice sounds like something out of Dickens…. I am an adult with no SN. But if I don’t like something, I can’t force myself to eat it. Sure - if I was literally starving then I would eat anything, but just normal hungry, no.

If her preferred food is easy to make then I would sod it and do her meal and cook something else for the rest of you, and all eat together.

Take the stress out of eating for her, all get to enjoy your food and have a family time of it, turn it to a positive and she can relax while seeing you all eating different things therefore modelling positive behaviour.

@BloomingTrees

You could try the old fashioned technique of 'that's your dinner, and that's it'. If they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry.

If I had £1 for every time I've heard this.

DC2 just leaves the food and goes to bed hungry. She eats enough cereal, toast, sandwiches etc that she won't starve but if I want to get her to eat anything nutritious I have to plan very carefully. We joke sometimes that we should just put her food on the plate then tip it straight in the bin to save time.

A lot of what you describe sounds sensory related perhaps? I think what you are doing sounds well and simlar to what we do. DH, DC1 and I will eat anything. I try to make sure that most meals contain at least something she will eat. Eg, what you did today with the tortilla pockets sounds fair enough. We have fajitas quite often. DC2 will just eat wrap with cheese and avocado. It means I can stretch the chicken quite far. Maybe try cooking less of the bits you know the fussy ones won't eat, eg smaller amounts of mince if one child won't eat it, then at least less gets thrown away.

It is painful though, and one of the most irritating things is other people's assumptions that you have created the fussy eater. I fed both my children the same - one eats everything, one eats nothing!

I’d try to keep the stress out of it if you can. Let her eat what she will eat. Try not to comment too much. One of my children was like this and I thought it would never change. But in their 20s they decided they wanted to change, and started to try new foods. Within a couple of years has started to eat most things.

OP, you're working much too hard and there's food and money getting wasted, too. Your DC are old enough to be self catering a good bit.

Cook what you enjoy eating! Make enough for all of you and if they want it they eat it. If not, freeze the excess for you for another meal.

If they make their own meals there should be less waste and there's nobody to grumble to. They can't use food refusal as a tactic to wind you up if you didn't make it. If they're not forced and if you refuse to coax, plead or dance attendance, the drama goes out of it.

I had just one fussy eater who, if asked what she wanted, would begin to reel off what she didn't want. I quickly put a stop to that - "Not helpful - don't tell me all the things you don't want - that's pointless. Tell me when you have an idea what you do want to prepare and eat. She lived a year or more on pasta, tomato passata and cheese. I provided vitamin tablets and an ever-full fruit bowl. 🤷🏼‍♀️

She was so inconsistent she would pick foods in the supermarket she really wanted but somehow they lost their attraction the instant they were in the pantry or fridge at home.

She's a great cook now and eats really healthily. Taking the personal element out works.

@3kidsinsane

Wow there are some really ignorant and unhelpful comments on this thread. Your DD clearly has some sensory issues around food which will not be resolved by starving.

My autistic son was like this with food as a child. He just had his limited diet alongside what the rest of us had. If that meant cheese, spaghetti and carrots 3 nights a week, that's what he had.

He was fine and has grown up into a healthy young man. There are still some things he won't eat, but his diet is a lot more varied now.

Does your DD have other sensory issues?

Some parents have found this booklet helpful:

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201906271131

OP is there any chance that you could pay for a private assessment? It's really hard to get an assessment through the school or NHS.

We paid privately for my own assessment and my son's and it was life-changing.

I am also a picky eater and so is my son, but we also have significant problems with food intolerance, so it can be multifactorial as well.

Take care there I also cook for three different diets and it's incredibly hard work, especially if you can;t get the right food in the shops.

btw The pickiest eater in my house is me, and I know that threatening myself with starvation would definitely not work.

Go and get her seen by a pediatrician privately.

Forget referrals and waiting, waiting, waiting.

This situation is not sustainable.

Call pediatricians. Describe your DD's issues, ask if this is an area of expertise, and ask about their rates.

Cut back on whatever you can in order to pay for this.

@Returnoftheowl, do you have a child or children, and do you cook for him or her or them?

Pregnant with my first & this thread terrifies me! can’t stand faffing about food… DH is a monster eater & dc1 is a boy, measuring big so I’m hoping he takes after dad & will eat me out of house + home!!

How do you think they’d take learning about the origins of food.. growing some veg for example. The meals you mention sound delish to me but quite complex for the kids to understand perhaps. They strike me as the sort of meals you’d get at a restaurant in kiddie menu- yummy but not easy to know ‘what’s in there’. The pp saying simple ingredients in separate bowls seems good idea to me and I think the ‘picnic’ idea of different simple bits is also good!

Good luck op i take my hat off to you for staying sane Xox

@womaninatightspot

I have fussy children I do a lot of help yourself dinners and everyone serves themselves from central platters. I find it takes a lot of the stress out of things. I don't mix things very often so bolognaise is served with seperate pasta and one helps themselves to mayo, grated cheese and peas. The pickiest child I try and include in the prep work and she has a little nibble of a lot of things. It's really broadened her palate.

Bananas are my go to if someone really doesn't want dinner.

Yes, this is what I do and it really works in terms of getting children to try a wide variety of stuff, particularly if fun and colourful.

Sorry OP but it only gets better when they move out, you’re in for the long haul.

How can a human being have such issues with food to the point of starving? Surely if they were just presented with simple foods placed on the table to choose from at each meal time they'd choose something and eat it rather than starve to death? I mean, how do you get into them deciding lasagna has to be a perfect square?

My fussy eater drove me nuts. The baby nurse reminded me that milk is a whole food, so while she drank milk, not to fret too much.
We ended up with meal in separate bowls on the lazy Sussan and everyone helping themselves. That way they had control of what went onto their plate.
Adventurous eater now having in no tried lots of different things on her travels. Still won’t eat mashed potatoes though.

There are some episodes of Eat Well For Less in which they work with families where the children are faddy eaters or have allergies or eating disorders. Well worth a watch. Essentially they find out all the foods that the children will eat then base a meal plan around it, and involve the children in the meal prep. Lots of praise for prep and trying.

@Joystir59

How can a human being have such issues with food to the point of starving? Surely if they were just presented with simple foods placed on the table to choose from at each meal time they'd choose something and eat it rather than starve to death? I mean, how do you get into them deciding lasagna has to be a perfect square?

It's not the food, it's a means of control used to contain anxiety. V challenging for everyone.

The 'eat or starve' thing works on some but most fussy kids I've heard of have the stubborn thing going on and my eldest would just continue to go without. I wouldn't recommend. I've no solution for you op, I have 4 kids and each one has different issues (food related), one hates breakfast, one fussy on school lunches, one fruit, the other dinners. If it helps the dinner boy is the healthiest and we were always told given he loves fruit, yoghurts, cheese, salad, sandwiches etc he's sort of covered. I would recommend looking up any resources people drop here on Fussy eaters, you could be lucky and something could stick (oh and btw it does seem a lot of fussy eaters do mostly grow out of it)

@Joystir59

How can a human being have such issues with food to the point of starving? Surely if they were just presented with simple foods placed on the table to choose from at each meal time they'd choose something and eat it rather than starve to death? I mean, how do you get into them deciding lasagna has to be a perfect square?

Well clearly not!!! If it was that easy I think OP would have worked it out

My eldest has food issues. Occasionally I threaten it will keep reappearing until you eat it but generally he prefers to starve.
School dinners have helped enormously.
It’s really difficult