AIBU to think that leaving a just 16 year old…

[justpoppy]

… alone from after school until gone midnight, three times in a week is too much?

My eldest would have been fine about it personally
My youngest would have hated it personally

I'd not have done it
Mine needed an adult...they needed me or their dad...
lots of angst etc ....need to know boundaries as do their friends ...would he be taken advantage of by 'friends' if they knew he was home alone etc etc things to think about it

All these PP saying they (or their dc) lived by themselves at 16. Others saying people have dc and marry at 16. None of these are normal nowadays! They’d all raise eye brows. 16yo are still dc (but defo old enough to be left at home on their own).

Look, it's perfectly fine as in no harm will come to him, and if it was for work then it would be totally fine, but if you feel your DP is overstepping and making arrangements that are incompatible with your relationship with your son (not because he needs babysitting but just because you want to be around him) then tell him so.
I wouldn't feel like leaving my DS that much just because I wouldn't want to, not because he would need looking after, it would just feel a bit off to me. One of those events per fortnight would be ok, but not several a week for several weeks.

@SnowyQueen

All these PP saying they (or their dc) lived by themselves at 16. Others saying people have dc and marry at 16. None of these are normal nowadays! They’d all raise eye brows. 16yo are still dc (but defo old enough to be left at home on their own).

Lots of 16 year olds still live by themselves and raise children these days! Maybe not in middle class bubbles but there are a lot of them. I'm not saying that's good for them, it usually isn't, but let's not pretend it isn't the norm for a lot of people.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I was brought up by young working class parents. My friends were also working class. In my 20s now. I never knew anyone who lived by themselves until they moved for university. It’s NOT common place. It’s also not normal to have dc when you’re 16. You have to have parental permission to marry at 16.

At just 16, I was the one working until midnight for more than 3 days a week in my theatre tech job lol. And then going to school the next morning!

It depends on the child. If they know what to do in an emergency, can be trusted not to fill the house with mates looking for a place to drink & mess about, or they’re confident enough & self motivated to do homework/get food/clear up & be responsible for their actions then it could be ok.

I’m going to rock the boat and say - no, I wouldn’t do this with a 16 year old. So what if SOME children (yes, still a child aged 16) live independently at this age - ? For me, it would feel neglectful. I think my DCs would miss having an adult around, chatting to, cooking a (good) meal etc.
Makes me feel sad,TBH.

If my children were living independently at age 16 I would have felt a complete failure as a parent

See I would feel a complete failure as a parent if I had a 16 year old who couldn't be left in their own home for a few hours.

I can't even find the words for the "worried if a 16 year old cuts themselves" comment!

If my children were living independently at age 16 I would have felt a complete failure as a parent.

^^if my 16 year old couldn't manage a few evenings by themselves I'd also feel a failure. Somethings definitely gone wrong.

I left home at 16
depends how much you've babied her so far - but feels weird that you'd even ask.
What do you think she's going to do if home alone- apply to join the army?
Shock horror, if she does I don't think it includes a baby sitting service.

Personally I think it’s fine. He’s 16, so long as you’re not the type to fall in the door at 5am and need him to look after you it’s ok.

As an aside I hate the I was living independently at 16 argument. That’s actually not normal at all and I hope people aren’t aspiring to that.

@QueenofKattegat

If my children were living independently at age 16 I would have felt a complete failure as a parent

See I would feel a complete failure as a parent if I had a 16 year old who couldn't be left in their own home for a few hours.

I can't even find the words for the "worried if a 16 year old cuts themselves" comment!

I would also feel a failure if my child lived elsewhere at 16. I would also feel a failure if range lived with me but I felt I couldn’t leave them alone. They’re not mutually exclusive.

At 16 they can join the army
A 16 year old is fine to be left a few times a week

I think it would be more unusual if a healthy NT 16 yo can’t be left home alone until midnight.

I lived alone at 16! Just turned 16 as well....

You say you feel you ought to spend more time with the kid. Perhaps you want to spend more time with the kid, and actually you don't want to be uptown so often.

If that's the case, tell your partner that.

In your situation, I'd want to see more of the 16 year old. Your partner may say, "Well, it's not like we ever see them even when we're at home." And, yeah, you can't get teenagers to hang out with you all evening, really, but just to get them to sit down for dinner is good, and valuable.

In two years, that kid'll be gone.

Another thing I noticed with teenagers. If you ask them if they mind something - "You don't mind being on your own at home, do you?" - you'll often get "No, it's cool. You go.." But they don't always mean it, and you don't find out till much later. "You used to leave me on my own for days. I hated that. It was like you weren't interested in me."

(That conversation isn't verbatim. But you get the point - which is that teenagers often tell you what they think you want to hear. And mine have certainly done that in other circumstances.)

." I think my DCs would miss having an adult around, chatting to, cooking a (good) meal etc."

Some young people, they aren't children, they are minors, which is why they can leave home from 14 under supervision from the LA, don't get on in school. They pick a vocational course and that can be catering. At 16 these young people are working in kitchens. If your physically able 16 year old can't cook a good meal, you've definitely failed. If your NT 16 year old can't deal with a cut, something's gone very wrong.
Living at home at 16 is cultural. In other countries/times you've left to find work at that age. Things are viewed differently now, but we shouldn't go backwards in teaching our children independence, resilience and life skills.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Look, it's perfectly fine as in no harm will come to him, and if it was for work then it would be totally fine, but if you feel your DP is overstepping and making arrangements that are incompatible with your relationship with your son (not because he needs babysitting but just because you want to be around him) then tell him so. I wouldn't feel like leaving my DS that much just because I wouldn't want to, not because he would need looking after, it would just feel a bit off to me. One of those events per fortnight would be ok, but not several a week for several weeks.

This. Its prefecture fine to want to spend time with your child. To tell Dp Lewis keep nights out to x a week or X a month. To continue to book nights in to spend focused on DS. He'll possibly be gone soon enough, enjoy him

Wow I barely see my 16 year old so I doubt she would even care or notice lol

@FrozenoutofCostco

I lived alone at 16! Just turned 16 as well....

But you get that that isn't something good parents aspire to right? Even for good parents, circumstances happen and life happens, sometimes kids get amazing opportunities or parents have major issues so I'm not criticising your parents parenting etc. But unless their off pursuing a career, kids should still be at home at this age.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

You say you feel you ought to spend more time with the kid. Perhaps you want to spend more time with the kid, and actually you don't want to be uptown so often.

If that's the case, tell your partner that.

In your situation, I'd want to see more of the 16 year old. Your partner may say, "Well, it's not like we ever see them even when we're at home." And, yeah, you can't get teenagers to hang out with you all evening, really, but just to get them to sit down for dinner is good, and valuable.

In two years, that kid'll be gone.

Another thing I noticed with teenagers. If you ask them if they mind something - "You don't mind being on your own at home, do you?" - you'll often get "No, it's cool. You go.." But they don't always mean it, and you don't find out till much later. "You used to leave me on my own for days. I hated that. It was like you weren't interested in me."

(That conversation isn't verbatim. But you get the point - which is that teenagers often tell you what they think you want to hear. And mine have certainly done that in other circumstances.)

@WalkingOnTheCracks you’ve got it in a nut shell. When my DP is out on his own me and DS watch a film together or have a meal and a chat. I feel by going out all the time I’m missing opportunities to do this. I’m not going tonight now anyway as I’m full of cough and cold but thank you - you summed up exactly what the situation is without me realising!

Sorry you’re not feeling well, OP. It sounds as if you have a good bond with your son so I wouldn’t overthink having a few evenings out every now and then. It sounds as if you have a lovely relationship-I’m lucky to have the same with my DD-and it’s because we actively parent them year-round. The odd night out won’t change that.

My nearly 16yo sounds just like yours and would be quite happy at home on his own, chatting to mates and eating cheese and crackers.

However, I would not want to be out so much and so late. I would be exhausted!

I left my 14 and nearly 16 year olds alone last week until about 8.30pm. They got themselves home from school, ordered dinner, let the dogs out and did their homework/watched TV until they I came back. They quite enjoyed it I think. I was a
Bit anxious about it-not even sure why really-but it was fine so will probably do it again if I need to go out with work or whatever.

I think it is OK. 16 is quite old.