Page 13 | To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

MissConductUS · 12/10/2021 15:40

I am always uncomfortable about children being used as pawns in any situation, yet time and time again on this thread the op is encouraged to withhold visits to te grandparents. Yet when this is suggested as weaponising the child, more outrage.

If the GP is using the visits to be verbally abusive to the parent in front of an impressionable child I think it's perfectly appropriate to curtail the visits.

Redjumper1 · 12/10/2021 16:49

I am always uncomfortable about children being used as pawns in any situation, yet time and time again on this thread the op is encouraged to withhold visits to the grandparents. Yet when this is suggested as weaponising the child, more outrage.

It's the GM that is using the child as a pawn. The OP at the moment is just putting up with it and complaining to her DH who is passing it off as his Mothers Humour. The posters replying actually have experience of this issue and are trying to advise the OP to nip it in the bud so it does not escalate. The advise has been to talk with her, get DH on side, deal directly with the issue. Any reference to removing access to the child is a last resort if the GM insists on repeating her destructive behavior.

Drinkingallthewine · 12/10/2021 17:11

As parents we have the responsibility to protect our children from those who would do them harm. An overbearing MIL who's openly disparaging of a DIL to a child is harmful. It puts a child in a terrible position and causes unhappiness and anxiety.

Is what MIL needs to say about her DIL more important than the welfare of her GC? No. It serves no purpose other than bullying which is another reason for shielding a child from an abusive adult.

The adults in a child's life should never do this kind of shitty behaviour, and if there was anyone in my DC's life who did that, then damn right I'd make sure that he sees that behaviour as minimally as possible.

ClawedButler · 12/10/2021 17:26

We're not talking about the OP reducing contact between the baby and the PILs as a punishment.

We;re talking about not wanting a child to be exposed to horrible people. In the same way, I would not want my child to be around vocal racists. Or homophobes.

It's not about trying to wield power over someone and using a child as a bargaining chip, FFS. It's about your tolerance of nastiness. If you think it's fine for a child to be around such toxic people, then that's grand. Personally, I don't.

PinkPanther27 · 12/10/2021 17:36

@DappledThings

It's plenty. And they sound like twats.

This. In fact I'd go as far as saying it's emotionally abusive to both you and your daughter. If this carries on she's going to get mixed messages about who she's safe with and who she can trust. It's like a parent putting the other parent down in front of their child- it's messed up. What does your partner do when this happens?

PinkPanther27 · 12/10/2021 17:39

[quote Redjumper1]@5128gap I am not missing your point. I understood it perfectly.

You think that a grandparent should have a relationship with a grandchild irrespective of how they treat that Childs mother. The child and GP have a completely separate relationship and should the Mother try and become involved in that relationship then they are controlling and are acting as if they own the child which they do not. Is that accurate?

I think that a Mothers role is to raise their child to the best of their ability to be confident, kind and a contributing member of society . One who has good functioning relationships with friends and with their family including their extended family and will have healthy future relationships. Should the child have a GP who is critical, negative, questions the parents decisions thereby interfering in their primary relationship, stomping on boundaries and engaging in other negative behavior then i have to look at whether that relationship is for the benefit of my child. Because my role is to raise my child to the best of my ability. My role is not to sit back and completely ignore negative and damaging behaviour because the GP and the child are entitled to a relationship. They should have a relationship but not if it will damage the child. Witnessing your Mother being bullied by your Grandmother and your mother not standing up to your GM will damage the self esteem of the child and will damage the primary relationship between the parent and child which is more important than the relationship with GP which is why the Court takes the view it does re: GP rights.

My job analogy was about bullying v simply not liking someone. I think this was not understood.

We can just agree to differ. Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean that I am missing the point.[/quote]
100% and very eloquently put.

ostravagirl · 12/10/2021 17:40

@Chakraleaf

I have just stopped seeing my in laws completely! I let my husband take the kids on his own so I don't have to have them in my life.

I have been in the same position for 5 years. And whilst it isn't the relationship I have envisaged it works. I should have nipped those kind of comments that OP gets in the butt at the start and perhaps it wouldnt have escalated. But my MIL used to do it only after having few drinks so I ignored them for far too long.

Shona52 · 12/10/2021 17:40

I would tell the straight if you keep insulting me to my child you won't get a sleep over. It's not healthy for a child to hear negative things about their parents. It's because they are not getting there way they are being childish. Tell them to grow up

Cotswoldmama · 12/10/2021 17:40

You need to start doing what mil does 'nanny's looking tired today isn't she baby?'!

bigbaggyeyes · 12/10/2021 17:45

I'd start to mention it when your dp comes back in the room

'Your dm was just telling dc she won't recognise her soon, what do you think?

'Your dm was just telling dc she thinks I'm anti social'

She obviously knows she's out of order otherwise she'd say it directly or in front of your dp.

CatherineCCP · 12/10/2021 17:51

Insisting on unsupervised overnight access to a small baby is weird and and rings alarm bells for me. I would wait until you can talk with your daughter about whether she wants to go and stay with her grandparents overnight. The comments made about you to the baby are also very rude. I would probably mimic her baby voice when she next does this and say something along the lines of "your gran is unfortunately very rude. We will have to make sure you learn your manners from us". Hopefully that will put an end to it!

Picoloangel · 12/10/2021 17:52

These grandparents are being incredibly disrespectful to you. It sounds to me that every two weeks is more than enough!
You’re not withholding or any of the other allegations been levelled at you. They are being rude and disrespectful and that’s unacceptable. Your DH should put a stop to it.

Maskless · 12/10/2021 17:55

@BrilliantBulb

You (your DP) need to start responding when your MIL talks about you.

I totally agree.

Sit her down over a cuppa and tell her, calmly and quietly, that you are sick to the back teeth with her barely-concealed nasty comments about you. Tell her that, from now on, you will be deducting one meeting with her DGC for every nasty comment.

Smile sweetly and get up and leave the table.

Job done.

HanSB · 12/10/2021 17:59

She sounds like a horrid person! When my children were little my MIL was the same, wanting to see us every week or 2 and I don't see anyone that often, not even my only family. We have lots of friends to meet up with and things to do. In our case it was because we have the only grandchildren and they are girls, she always wanted a girl but had all boys.

I dealt with it by 'booking' in a date with her once a month when we were available to see them. We were not free at other times and if it didn't suit her then we wouldn't see them. Lockdown was bliss to be honest. As for sleepovers, well she had to wait 5 years for one of those and it was on our terms. You need to reset the boundaries and make her realise what she has to lose with her behaviour

LovePoppy · 12/10/2021 18:00

@naggy095

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

Fuck her.

She’d be lucky to get monthly.

Start calling her out. Every time. It’s hard and uncomfortable and you’ll be accused of all sorts. Do it anyway. Show your child how not to be a doormat the way MIL wants you to be

browneyes77 · 12/10/2021 18:03

See my petty ass would give her a taste of her own medicine.

So when she said “We can’t wait to have you stay over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough do we”, I would have bent down to DD and said in the same voice MIL used “And if Nanny keeps rudely talking about Mommy to you like this, she won’t be seeing you at all”

But that’s just me. I like to play people at their own game. Can’t help myself

However I’m not saying you should do that. There are better approaches! This is really something your DP needs to deal with in the first instance. And if he doesn’t/won’t, you’re going to have to put your big girl pants on, be direct with her about it and tell her to pack it in. If she has something to say she can discuss it with you like an adult, rather than making passive aggressive comments to your child in front of you.

browneyes77 · 12/10/2021 18:04

@bigbaggyeyes

I'd start to mention it when your dp comes back in the room

'Your dm was just telling dc she won't recognise her soon, what do you think?

'Your dm was just telling dc she thinks I'm anti social'

She obviously knows she's out of order otherwise she'd say it directly or in front of your dp.

Ooh yes I like this approach!

Teatotal2 · 12/10/2021 18:05

@naggy095

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

Please, please do not put up with these 2nd hand comments, they will damage your self esteem over time and possibly your child's view of you. No one should speak like that, just because she is a baby now and doesn't understand, do NOT let it slide! This is a form of abuse!

Leodrune · 12/10/2021 18:08

If I could go back in time, I would pull my MIL up on all the things she has said and done to me. I let a lot go and she just carried on.

My MIL used to say to me in an angry voice "why don't you go out? How am I meant to get to know my DGC with you always around?" My DH said nothing as it was easier to upset me, than her.

Many years later I absolutely despise this woman and I feel very resentful towards my DH for letting her get under my skin so much. She is ailing fast and has taken on a madonna status with my DH. Because she is not very well, he feels massively sorry for her. I feel absolutely zero compassion for her and refuse to lift a finger to help her out. I also rarely see her and because I make no effort my DC very rarely see her either.

I wish I had a lovely in-law relationship. It would have been so nice. If I could go back in time I would cut her off.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/10/2021 18:13

“you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”
and thankfully nowhere near as ugly as your rude, insufferable grandmother

BudrosBudrosGalli · 12/10/2021 18:15

I am a firm believer in actions or in this case snide words have consequences. I would firmly tell her that you will reduce contact unless MUL behaves in a respectful manner. Then anytime, she does come out with some passive-aggressive bullshit or tries to interfere, it will be one less encounter with your DD. If she kicks up a storm about Christmas, they will not see her at all over the festive period.

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 12/10/2021 18:24

If your busy working or doing other things then fair enough but personally I feel once a week is fine. It's their grandchild, I know it's not their baby but if they are anything like me, the baby is probably constantly on their mind. I always took my own children to see their grandparents at least once a week, and I now see my own grandson at least once a week, though we only live a 10 minute drive away.

DanceItOut · 12/10/2021 18:25

If my MIL spoke about me like that to my baby I would stop visiting full stop until they remembered how to you manners.

sanityisamyth · 12/10/2021 18:27

My DS7 hasn't seen my dad and step mother since he was 3. Every 2 weeks is definitely plenty!!

inferiorCatSlave · 12/10/2021 18:27

My DH said nothing as it was easier to upset me, than her.

I realised that after a few years and changed it - but I had to realise the situation and then act to change it.

I think if I hadn't I'd have exploded with resentment and issued ultimations by now and probably have weakend my marriage instead of having an ally and someone I can eye roll and laugh at some of the antics - also I don't think MIL behavior would have improved towards me - and it has very much so - as the united front and boundaries did massively improve behavior over time.