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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was this completely inappropriate and am I right to be so upset over this?

141 replies

Lookingforadvice36767 · 10/10/2021 17:30

So long story short, my ex sometimes comes to my house to see our children because he has no where to take them, it’s too cold to stay outside, etc (I don’t want to turn the whole thread into contact arrangements either - just on the post below)

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa, helps himself in the cupboards when the kids want something rather than asks me and generally is a bit too comfy here rather than acting like a guest with boundaries!

However last weekend really upset me - he actually got into my bed with the kids and was laying in there for ages despite me asking a couple of times to get off.

My bed is my personal space, and I physically had to change the sheets afterwards because I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after he had been in it - I felt violated and disrespected that he thought that was acceptable - I would never dream of getting into someone else’s bed without permission let alone my ex’s!

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Am I?

(I don’t have a partner and he does, just incase anyone asks!)

OP posts:
TippledPink · 10/10/2021 17:32

Definitely NOT overreacting! Ewww!

prawncrackergirl · 10/10/2021 17:33

Tell him that, unless he respects your home, he will have to make other arrangements to see your children.

I would be disturbed and very unhappy if an ex did that to me.

CSJobseeker · 10/10/2021 17:33

Wow. YANBU at all.

I think the visits at your house need to stop. He can take them to a cafe, museum etc. If his house isn't suitable.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 10/10/2021 17:33

Thats completely out of order
I'd stop the contact in your house, he better find somewhere else to take the kids

residentkaleidoscope · 10/10/2021 17:33

This is not normal! You need to set boundaries with him in your home or better still stop him seeing the kids in your house.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 10/10/2021 17:33

Yanbu at all. It’s utterly bizarre of him to think that it’s appropriate to get on your bed. Getting a duvet for the sofa is strange enough.

Beamur · 10/10/2021 17:33

YANBU

FredWinnie · 10/10/2021 17:35

YANBU
To be honest, it sounds like he's marking his territory.
He might as well go round pissing in every corner.

You shouldn't have to, but if he has to be there, then locks on your bedroom and on the cupboards: leave the kids' stuff out and clearly labelled.

DogBirthday · 10/10/2021 17:35

YANBU

Bigeggsinapackoften · 10/10/2021 17:35

Fuck that. Stop the contact in your house. He will have to make other arrangements.

JoyOrbison · 10/10/2021 17:36

You need to set boundaries in place.

Does he not have family he can take dc to visit? Are his parents nearby so he can use their house as a base?

3scape · 10/10/2021 17:37

You're being hugely accomodating to him. He has definitely crossed a line here.

Calmly reiterate that it's a major invasion of your space.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/10/2021 17:39

Libraries and similar are open now he can take them there then to a supermarket for tea, can't get much cheaper than that in Morrisons kids even eat free. Contact might have to be shorter than he likes if he can't provide a suitable place to take them.

AnotherLauraLou · 10/10/2021 17:41

I would be telling him that unless he respects your boundaries (and that includes everything you’ve mentioned) then he needs to make alternative arrangements. It’s not your problem if he can’t or won’t. You need to get tough.

CornishTiger · 10/10/2021 17:42

Nope. Just nope.

He needs to be creative in places to take them. Plan his contact for all weather eventualities and stick his hand in pocket when wet weather means an outing to bowling, cinema etc. Make sure of the free facilities /low costs things on dry days.

Plus YOU need a break from parenting and use of YOUR house whilst he has had children.

bofski14 · 10/10/2021 17:43

Wow. Massively inappropriate and he is setting a very bad example to the children about respect of boundaries. Surely when it is his time to have contact with the children that is YOUR time for you, not to have a house guest to cater for. Absolute liberty going into your bed.

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2021 17:44

Yanbu
Tell him he has to take them out

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2021 17:46

You’re not overreacting.

But clearly he has no intention of respecting your boundaries.

So you need firmer ones - a physical ban on contact in your home.

KeyWorker · 10/10/2021 17:48

He’s a parent, it’s his responsibility to provide somewhere suitable for contact. It’s not your job to facilitate contact within you own home, as the others have said it’s territory marking and it’s not on. No judge would say you have to facilitate contact in your home, so put an end to it. Do it in writing stating it’s no longer working for you and from x date (the next agreed contact, you will no longer be facilitating in your home.

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2021 17:49

And if he’s regularly falling asleep on your sofa during contact time then it’s hardly quality kid-focused parenting, is it?

gamerchick · 10/10/2021 17:49

Why can't he take them to his place?

You definitely need to stop contact at you house. He's never going to respect any boundaries you try to set.

Owlink · 10/10/2021 17:49

What an arsehole. Ewwww.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2021 17:50

He needs to respect your home and your boundaries or find somewhere else for his contact time.

2Two · 10/10/2021 17:51

YANBU. Lock the bedroom door when he is there.

stinkycheeseman · 10/10/2021 17:52

Reminds me of the poster on here a few years ago who's ex took a giant shit in her toilet every time he picked the kids up. Definitely territory marking.