Was this completely inappropriate and am I right to be so upset over this?

[Lookingforadvice36767]

So long story short, my ex sometimes comes to my house to see our children because he has no where to take them, it’s too cold to stay outside, etc (I don’t want to turn the whole thread into contact arrangements either - just on the post below)

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa, helps himself in the cupboards when the kids want something rather than asks me and generally is a bit too comfy here rather than acting like a guest with boundaries!

However last weekend really upset me - he actually got into my bed with the kids and was laying in there for ages despite me asking a couple of times to get off.

My bed is my personal space, and I physically had to change the sheets afterwards because I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after he had been in it - I felt violated and disrespected that he thought that was acceptable - I would never dream of getting into someone else’s bed without permission let alone my ex’s!

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Am I?

(I don’t have a partner and he does, just incase anyone asks!)

@AnotherLauraLou

I would be telling him that unless he respects your boundaries (and that includes everything you’ve mentioned) then he needs to make alternative arrangements. It’s not your problem if he can’t or won’t. You need to get tough.

This

Damn right he’s being unreasonable! I think if my ex got into my bed I’d burn it (might let him out of it first. Might).

Honestly? Stop this arrangement. I would have the second he felt comfortable enough in my home to help himself to a duvet and pillow to snooze on my sofa.

You need to stop letting him in your house. It's confusing for the kids that he's acting like you're still together. It's not a good example for them either to see a man taking control of a woman's house like that. And if he would stop seeing them because he doesn't get to hang around your house anymore then they're better off without him anyway.
There are loads of places you can take kids for free or very little money

And what the fuck is he doing snoozing on the sofa when he's meant to be spending time with his kids?!

He shouldn’t be in your house full stop, it’s your private space and he has absolutely no right to encroach on that. Tell him to take the kids somewhere else when he sees them like every other NRP does.

Put a lock on the bedroom door. And use it.

Sounds to me like he’s trying to weasel his way back in to a relationship. Probably so that he has somewhere nicer to live. Don’t let him get away with it! Either that or he’s trying to make some weird messed up point.

Sorry you have to stop contact at your house-it isnt up to you to facilitate him seeing his kids

he can take them to cinema etc or find somewhere appropriate to live

him touchng you is vile

I thought it was weird when you got to the sofa duvet!

Yup contact stops in your home.
If you are feeling really generous, send an email telling him your boundaries and warning him that if he crosses them then he won’t be allowed access to your home any more. But I expect he won’t be able to help himself.

And why can’t he take them out and/or even to his room in the bedsit. Fair enough they shouldn’t be mixing with the other tenants but there is no reason that he can’t play board games, with toys, get them a drink etc in his room, especially if it’s raining or cold,

Stop being so goddamn nice OP! He is a cheeky fucker who should never again enter your house or touch you and your things. You are not doing your kids a favour by condoning his lifestyle choices!

You’re not being unreasonable at all, in fact by continuing to allow him to behave this way you’re sat in a poor example for the kids

Dear dickhead,

With immediate effect contact with the children will no longer take place in my house.

I will make the children available to collect at X time and I will expect you to return between Y and Z time.

If these times don’t work for you please let me know and we can discuss something more suitable, however whatever arrangement you make will need to take place outside of my home.

Looking

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Brace up OP, tough love coming ...

His notions about how you ought to react to his disrespect of you & your home are immaterial.
You do not need to persuade or convince him that you are right.
You do not need his opinion, permission, or input about anything to do with you & your home.

You need to set a boundary with him that is non-negotiable & unbreakable.

Have a look at how much space you give in your OP to all the excuses why your ex "has to" have contact in your home.
They are all bullshit.
Of course he has somewhere to take his children - he's not living on the street, is he?
STOP LETTING HIM MAKE THIS YOUR PROBLEM.

Send him a text, along these lines:

"Hi Ex
I'm disappointed about the disrespect you showed in my home last week. Getting into my bed, & refusing to leave when asked, then telling me that my perfectly valid request is an "over-reaction" is unacceptable.
I am therefore giving you notice that contact will no longer happen in my home.
The DC will be ready to be collected at X o'clock on X day as usual, & you will need to organise your time with them accordingly.
Please do not contact me about anything other than making arrangements for the DC.
Regards
Looking."

Do not then communicate with him via anything other than text or email. Keep screenshots of anything he sends back, including any more bullying & boundary-testing.

Do NOT engage in any attempts to argue or negotiate.
Just keep sending back "Please do not contact me about anything other than the DC."

If he escalates, text -
"I have asked you to stop bombarding me with unnecessary communications. I only wish to communicate about the DC. If you persist in contacting me about anything that does not concern the DC, I will deem it harrassment, & be reporting it to the police."

You really, really, need to mean this OP, & follow through.
It may feel unpleasant for a few days but what's the alternative? - this twat continuing to mock & undermine you in your own home?
He is enjoying controlling you. Cut that crap right out for him.

Oh ye Dogs your update is quite distressing

Yeah this is not a safe man for you to have around.
Not saying he's an unsafe dad but he is definitely & deliberately messing with your head, & is unsafe for you.

No more of this OP, ok?
I have a feeling he will kick off massively when you say "no" to him.
Stay strong. I promise you one short sharp shock & you going through the initial discomfort of his reaction ("over-reaction" - ha!) will be easier on you than the constant drip-drip of him eroding your boundaries & telling you you're not allowed to call the shots in your own home.

The touching is revolting, & he knows what he is doing.
The bed-napping is an escalation too far.
He is no longer allowed to step foot in your home.
It is not negotiable.
All the problems about where he can take his kids are HIS problems, not yours.

I wonder if he is telling you that he has a partner in an attempt to put you at your ease about him visiting your home and spending hours there.
He is also controlling your free time at weekends - his being there stops you being able to do anything else either out of the house or having any of your friends over.

Unfortunately this comes under the heading of "I let him do this and now he's done it he's the bastard". You said he could come into the house! You wanted him to be comfortable with the children. Sorry but I don't think you can now bitch and whine because he took you literally (and no doubt pushed the boundaries a bit).

Don't let him in your house, or failing that, upstairs. Do you know why you don't find people you don't know sleeping in your bed? Because you don't let them In!

Awful. He needs to find somewhere else to see the children.

Tbf the op has said in her post that she doesn’t want this to be about him coming to the house so sounds like she obviously wants the situation to continue as it is

You can't stop him disrespecting your space op. So your only solution is to stop letting him in it. He is not a reasonable human being and he has no reason to touch you at all. He's doing it to freak you out. He's marking all over you and your house. He's putting himself into your house and controlling what happens while he's there.

He can find somewhere else to take the children - cinema, museum, park etc where he can feed and entertain this.
This is happening because you allow it.

Also wondering whether the OP makes it crystal clear to ex how she feels about the various things that he does.
If not then she needs to make it completely clear to him in a way that leaves no room for misunderstanding.
It sounds as if he may be trying to make a come back.

He knows you hate it. He is trying to convince you that you are in the wrong because he was to continue doing these things to you. Honestly, I would class this as abusive behaviour because he is stomping all over your boundaries and giving you shit for being upset about it. He won't change unless you keep him out of your house. Sorry.

*wants to, not was to

@FredWinnie

YANBU To be honest, it sounds like he's marking his territory. He might as well go round pissing in every corner.

You shouldn't have to, but if he has to be there, then locks on your bedroom and on the cupboards: leave the kids' stuff out and clearly labelled.

I agree. He is definitely deliberately taking ownership of your space and is also sending that signal to your children and you. I don’t think trying to set “boundaries” now with him stands a cat in he Slow chance of working. You had boundaries that were so normal you didn’t think you’d have to spell them out. He knows he broke those boundaries quite deliberately You should do nothing but say you are no longer going to spend your contact time in my home or on my property. You take the children to somewhere suitable for them that is not my house or property . If you cannot provide that for them get your act together as a grown up adult parent to make that happen but until that you will need to have mor limited contact at times that you can provide that. No arguments. Get a chain on your door, do not open it to him. When times come for pickups go and stand outside with the kids waiting for him or arrange pick up at a neutral place.

@StoneofDestiny

He can find somewhere else to take the children - cinema, museum, park etc where he can feed and entertain this. This is happening because you allow it.

yip..

please stop this now