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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was this completely inappropriate and am I right to be so upset over this?

141 replies

Lookingforadvice36767 · 10/10/2021 17:30

So long story short, my ex sometimes comes to my house to see our children because he has no where to take them, it’s too cold to stay outside, etc (I don’t want to turn the whole thread into contact arrangements either - just on the post below)

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa, helps himself in the cupboards when the kids want something rather than asks me and generally is a bit too comfy here rather than acting like a guest with boundaries!

However last weekend really upset me - he actually got into my bed with the kids and was laying in there for ages despite me asking a couple of times to get off.

My bed is my personal space, and I physically had to change the sheets afterwards because I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after he had been in it - I felt violated and disrespected that he thought that was acceptable - I would never dream of getting into someone else’s bed without permission let alone my ex’s!

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Am I?

(I don’t have a partner and he does, just incase anyone asks!)

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 10/10/2021 17:52

YANBU.

He's become too comfortable.
Time to change the arrangements, this isn't working for you anymore.

mrsbitaly · 10/10/2021 17:54

Yes I would nip this in the bud now. Imagine how uncomfortable it's going to be for someone when you meet them and this situation is going on with your ex behaving like he lives there when he visits.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/10/2021 17:55

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

Thats completely out of order I'd stop the contact in your house, he better find somewhere else to take the kids
This^
godmum56 · 10/10/2021 17:55

Definitely pushing the boundaries. Don't tolerate it.

Orla1970 · 10/10/2021 17:57

He sleeps on your sofa while he is meant to be having contact with his kids?! Ffs. Agree with others he is pushing your boundaries, marking his territory, telling you who is boss. Stop contact at your house for your own sanity x

HeronLanyon · 10/10/2021 17:58

That’s actually quite worrying and even more so that when it was pointed out he blamed you for overreacting.
Contact at your house does need to stop. If sometimes he is there he absolutely should not be staying over. Your space is no longer his space.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 10/10/2021 17:58

YADNBU.

If he can’t see the children elsewhere padlock any doors to rooms he shouldn’t have access to.

Lookingforadvice36767 · 10/10/2021 17:59

Thank you for everyone’s quick responses - it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who found it inappropriate - he has a way of getting in your head and saying everything is an overreaction - which is why I came here and asked!

I have facilitated contact in my house for quite a while now because I thought it was what was best for the children - he moves around a lot and only has a bedroom to his name in a house full of strangers - and is often short on money to go out all the time.

When he is here, I keep myself to myself in the bedroom most of the time to give him time alone with the children and so that he doesn’t feel like I’m ‘watching’ him as such, but it’s getting draining because it’s becoming a weekly thing and it’s usually all day so I’m stuck in my bedroom for up to 6/7 hours every Saturday or Sunday.

It really bugs me, especially helping himself in the cupboards when the children want something, and I’ve mentioned it before to him about not doing it, but he says I’m making him feel awkward and uncomfortable so I’ve kept quiet to avoid arguments in front of the children.

The laying in my bed really did turn a corner for me though and I felt so violated and disrespected so I think I’m going to have to put my foot down now because if I don’t, what’s next?

Another thing that really annoys me is he is always coming up with an excuse to touch me if that makes sense? The other week I was sat on the sofa with one of the children showing them something and he came and laid his legs on me, and last week I was wearing ripped jeans and he was touching my legs trying to rip them more to ‘annoy me’ - I’ve told him before not to touch me without my permission because there is no need for it - but he seems to think that because he is my ex and we’ve had children - he can do whatever he wants!

It’s honestly bordering on mentally messing me up because it’s like he is trying to act like my partner or have a level of control over me and my house!

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/10/2021 18:01

He's being really controlling
Time to put a stop to these long visits in your house. He can take them out somewhere cheap or free one afternoon at the weekend and maybe for dinner after school one day if that suits. No contact in your house.

Howshouldibehave · 10/10/2021 18:02

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Tell him he can’t come in your house any more.

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2021 18:02

No contact in your house at all, ever.

His lack of cash is not your issue.

AdoraBell · 10/10/2021 18:03

YANBU in the least, he is taking the piss out of you. No respect and walks over you like a bloody doormat.

MangoBiscuit · 10/10/2021 18:03

You know what, it doesn't matter whether you're overreacting or not (spoiler alert, you're not!) He is a guest in your house, and he is overstepping a boundary, even after your polite request not to. He's being a dick. I would be telling him he's no longer welcome in my home. If I were feeling incredibly generous, I would allow him one weeks grace, on the understanding that the entirety of upstairs was out of bounds. But only if I was feeling incredibly generous, and thought he would follow the rules. (unlikely)

What a cheeking fucking dickhead, no wonder he's an ex.

Standrewsschool · 10/10/2021 18:05

Definitely overstepping the boundary.

From now onwards, you need to insist that he stays downstairs.

Regarding the food, if it’s a drink for the kids, then that’s fine. If he’s cooking more, or If he’s helping himself to a lot of food, then not. He should pre-arrange with you what to give the kids for lunch.

The touching is definable off.

It’s lovely that you allow him in your house for the children, but he needs to respect your boundaries.

RosiePosieDozy · 10/10/2021 18:05

Do not put up with this anymore. It's so wrong. He knows it's wrong, the bed, the food, the touching and he's continuing to do it. He needs to see the children elsewhere.

muddyford · 10/10/2021 18:05

YANBU. Our neighbour does this with her STBXH. She stays with relations on his weekends and he stays in her house with the children.

Seeingadistance · 10/10/2021 18:05

@NoSquirrels

No contact in your house at all, ever.

His lack of cash is not your issue.

This.
HighNetGirth · 10/10/2021 18:08

He is using contact to mess with you, and abdicating responsibility by falling asleep. He sounds dreadful. I can see why you allowed the visits initially, but don't feel you have to sacrifice so much peace of mind/safety/ respect etc just so this loser sees his children. I agree with other posters: stop him coming into your home at all, ever.

DowntonCrabby · 10/10/2021 18:08

Totally inappropriate. He’s royally fucked hinder for somewhere to have contact too as I hope you’ll now tell him he’s not welcome at all. He completely shat all over any boundaries.

MrMrsJones · 10/10/2021 18:11

Lazy fucking parenting

He picks the kids up and takes them out!
If he can't afford it, get a job or a better job

Don't let him in your house he is a CF

KeyWorker · 10/10/2021 18:12

It’s in the children’s best interest that you have in place firm boundaries and that you expect them to be respected. He’s making a choice to live in unsuitable accommodation, just like you are making a choice to provide you children with a suitable home. It’s really not your problem that his accommodation is unsuitable, the judge would also agree.

AdoraBell · 10/10/2021 18:13

Just seen your post about him touching you. Speak to Women’s Aid, they do a Freedom Programme, it will help you about building boundaries etc.

In the meantime tell him firmly DO NOT TOUCH ME. Keep saying it firmly and stick to your guns. If he puts his legs on you push them away, touching your legs using the jeans as an excuse slap his hand. Stop being polite.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2021 18:13

@FredWinnie

YANBU To be honest, it sounds like he's marking his territory. He might as well go round pissing in every corner.

You shouldn't have to, but if he has to be there, then locks on your bedroom and on the cupboards: leave the kids' stuff out and clearly labelled.

This in spades. I’d tell him straight that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and refuse to let him in for some time (actually never again but that’s up to you). If you do let him back it’s with boundaries and as soon as he tests them (he will) then he’s out again.

Stop allowing this, it’s outrageous.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/10/2021 18:14

Wow this was my exact situation, my ex will only come to my house to see the children, he has no home to take them to as he decided to rent out every single room in his house 🤨 he use to see them by coming to my house but he would fall asleep on the sofa and act like he didn’t want to leave / say he was tired/ it’s late/ it’s raining, he would fall asleep and the kids would just give me a funny look as if to say what wrong with him. As soon as I told him he couldn’t come to my house to see them anymore he stopped seeing them.

SunshineCake1 · 10/10/2021 18:14

That would be the last time he saw the children in the house. Text to tell him if you don't want to call and have the kids with their shoes and coats on ready to hand over on the doorstep next time.

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