Was this completely inappropriate and am I right to be so upset over this?

[Lookingforadvice36767]

So long story short, my ex sometimes comes to my house to see our children because he has no where to take them, it’s too cold to stay outside, etc (I don’t want to turn the whole thread into contact arrangements either - just on the post below)

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa, helps himself in the cupboards when the kids want something rather than asks me and generally is a bit too comfy here rather than acting like a guest with boundaries!

However last weekend really upset me - he actually got into my bed with the kids and was laying in there for ages despite me asking a couple of times to get off.

My bed is my personal space, and I physically had to change the sheets afterwards because I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after he had been in it - I felt violated and disrespected that he thought that was acceptable - I would never dream of getting into someone else’s bed without permission let alone my ex’s!

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Am I?

(I don’t have a partner and he does, just incase anyone asks!)

Boundaries op stop letting him come round and helping himself to what’s in the cupboards . Now he’s helping himself to your bed what’s next ?. Be firm tell him no .

Either tell him to sort out somewhere else or give him a list of rules to follow i.e. no touching, not allowed in your bedroom, and so on. Make it a long list, and tell him if he breaks ONE rule he will not be allowed back in. If he thinks you're over reacting, so what. It's YOUR house.

@Bigeggsinapackoften

Fuck that. Stop the contact in your house. He will have to make other arrangements.

YANBU but I agree with this - you have to stop contact at your house. Your responsibilities cease at making the children available at the agreed time.

That would be an end of contact in my house as of today. No discussion. He can't stick to your boundaries. He's deliberately disrespecting them. Just no. He will have to find a way of sorting the kids elsewhere.

OP I don’t have any experience of this - but as soon as you said contact was at your house, even I made an internal face.

There is a very solid reason that most people don’t do this.

You need to insist on an alternative arrangement.

As PP have said, he can take them out for a couple of hours in the afternoon if he can’t afford to feed them at a cafe etc. A friend of mine had an ex who did similar - she sent a clear email amd when he next turned up she had DC ready with coats and shoes on. He made to come in but she blocked the doorway and sent the kids out and cheerily called out bring them back at whenever and closed the door. She’d talked to them beforehand and explained why it needed to be this way so they weren’t surprised. He was though, but he’d never respected her at all so she wasn’t surprised.

Locks on all your doors and also he can find somewhere else to see the kids.

He thinks you're over reacting? It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's what it feels like to you that matters. It's your house, and your legs ffs - what's that all about?!?! I used to have this sort of shit with XH, but at least he'd never have laid a hand on me.

The whole point of living in your house is that you are not together. He doesn't get to let himself back into your life. Otherwise all that moving and stuff was a waste of time and money.

You have every right to be bloody furious. I'm bloody furious on your behalf and it's not even my house!

He comes sound to see the kids & then sleeps on the sofa
He gives the kids snacks that you pay for on his "time"
He goes into your private spaces & defiles them

Tell him if he wants to see his children he will have to do it elsewhere from this second onwards.

What an arsehole. I agree that it’s time contact at your house stopped. Tell him clearly and don’t bother explaining beyond saying it’s not working for you.

OP, where do you think the rules come from about what we are and aren't supposed to get upset about?

No more he can take them out for tea twice a week instead.

Omg he is being completely outrageous and he probably knows it but he will keep on pushing until you crack. That time has come op. If he wants to see his kids he can make arrangements to collect and drop off. What he does for those few hours doesn't concern you. You may even get proper time out to do your own thing. Good luck op.

Sympathies OP. Have been here, did this for many many years!
Same deal, ex had no money, nowhere appropriate to take DC & if I hadn't allowed contact in my home it just wouldn't have happened.
I thought I was doing what was best for our children.
It's only now many years later & with extensive counselling (so many stories of his epic fuckery) that I can see that I was enabling him.
He never had to grow up, wise up, stop over stepping taking the piss.
He had no need to. This also gave our children false representation of how responsible their father was & did nothing to teach them about setting boundaries for themselves.
Cheeky fuckers stay cheeky fuckers until there is no more options.

What does his partner think about his going into your house and lying in your bed, sleeping on your sofa and touching your legs? I assume that he hasn't mentioned that he does this on his contact time?

I would let him know (verbally and in writing) that he is not to set foot over your threshold with immediate effect, and that contact time will begin with the children suitably dressed for outdoors being collected by him to go elsewhere.

He is clearly the sort who will take a mile if you give an inch, so you cannot give him any kind of leeway. The cheeky bastard.

it’s like he is trying to act like my partner or have a level of control over me and my house!

He is trying to control you.
It wouldn't matter if you were over-reacting (and you aren't) - you have the final say in your own home.

Stop him from coming in. He can have the kids elsewhere and/or for a shorter time.
That's his problem.

He knows exactly what he’s doing

He’s like a tom cat spraying his territory

Stop the home visits. “No, sorry not going to be possible to host your contact this weekend, you can take them out for a walk and a bite and bring them back at x time

Yabu for ASKING him to get out of your bed - you needed to TELL him.

Anyhow, irrelevant now cost he won’t be in your home any more

Be strong! Take back control he’s taking the piss and he know he’s doing it.

Why do you invite him in? Can’t he have the children at his own place/take them out on his days?

Omg he is being completely outrageous and he probably knows it but he will keep on pushing until you crack.

Exactly!
He is pushing his way more and more into your life until he is living there full time and you have absolutely no say in your own home.
Have some courage and put your foot down.

All of the other things I can ‘kind of’ see how he might have managed to worm his way in but you know that going in your bed has crossed a major line and it’s the perfect opportunity to lay some new rules down.

YANBU. Tell him he has to sort seeing the kids outside of your house

His problem

He’s rude

Do you have a contact order in place or an informal arrangement?

You may need to get a new arrangement either mediated or court ordered.

It's much more convenient/nicer/easier and cheaper for him to come to yours.
He's basically scent marker all over your house to claim it. And this touching of you is the same behaviour.

He can go back to his one room, like many dads do. It might make him get somewhere better. He could make plans to go to the park, he could make plans to go to the library. But they require effort from him.

You're enabling him to be a lazy entitled dad.

Does he have a key?

You need him out of your house. It’s horrible you are hiding in your bedroom all day just so he can see his own children. He can see them elsewhere, he has zero respect for you or your boundaries. It’s not best for the kids to see that at all!