Was this completely inappropriate and am I right to be so upset over this?

[Lookingforadvice36767]

So long story short, my ex sometimes comes to my house to see our children because he has no where to take them, it’s too cold to stay outside, etc (I don’t want to turn the whole thread into contact arrangements either - just on the post below)

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa, helps himself in the cupboards when the kids want something rather than asks me and generally is a bit too comfy here rather than acting like a guest with boundaries!

However last weekend really upset me - he actually got into my bed with the kids and was laying in there for ages despite me asking a couple of times to get off.

My bed is my personal space, and I physically had to change the sheets afterwards because I felt so uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after he had been in it - I felt violated and disrespected that he thought that was acceptable - I would never dream of getting into someone else’s bed without permission let alone my ex’s!

I mentioned it to him and he thinks I’m over reacting.

Am I?

(I don’t have a partner and he does, just incase anyone asks!)

He does not feel awkward or uncomfortable when he takes your food. He's just saying that to shut you up!

Touching? Fuck. He really is pissing all over you to mark you as still his!!

I agree with everyone else. You need to tell him that getting into your bed was the last straw and since he cannot respect your home or keep his hands to himself then he is no longer allowed to set foot in your house.

What he does with the children is for him to sort out.

Seeing them at yours isn’t working. He needs to take the dc out.

It really bugs me, especially helping himself in the cupboards when the children want something

This is the only bit that wouldn’t bother me, otherwise you’d be constantly running after the kids for lunch, snacks etc. The rest of it can fuck off though. I’d be stopping contact at your house.

YANBU

That's fucking disgusting.

He never sets foot in your house again.

And if you have to get a solicitors letter spelling it out in plain English, then do so.

those are your boundaries, regardless of what anyone else thinks - your boundaries need to be observed. respect is needed

tell him in a message that it is not to happen again, you are not giving a reason etc - its never to happen again

I would send one message via both text and email saying something like "Do not touch me at all, ever. It is inappropriate and entirely unwanted. Do not ignore that boundary again."

Never allow him back in your home if he lays a finger on you ever again.

He sounds fucking vile.

You need to put your toot down here. No more contact visits in your house.

"he moves around a lot and only has a bedroom to his name in a house full of strangers - and is often short on money to go out all the time"

"It’s honestly bordering on mentally messing me up because it’s like he is trying to act like my partner or have a level of control over me and my house!"
There's no 'bordering on' about it. As someone said earlier, he might as well have pissed in the corners. I suspect this is his way of punishing you for having a home. He resents his own living conditions, which twists inside him to resenting you and everything you have, so he chooses to take it away from you - you hiding in your bedroom probably gives him a sense of power. But that also means your bedroom is your sanctuary, so by getting into your bed he defiles it and takes even that from you. He's a nasty little fucker.

the touching you is similarly a power play to put you on the back foot. Like I said, he's a nasty little fucker.

Time to assert your boundaries. Starting today, he will have to make his own arrangements for access visits. He can take them to the park, to eat at a supermarket cafe. He will actually have to actively parent them, not fall asleep on the sofa after scoffing from your cupboards. Don't so much as let him over the threshold. I mean that - he sounds like the sort of prick who would refuse to leave when asked, so don't give him the chance. No more chances!

Text or email him with the new arrangement. He turns up at X time and takes the kids out, returning them at Y time. He will not be allowed in as he has shown such disregard for your home. If he argues that your over-reacting - if he argues at all! - just repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't elaborate, don't justify in any other way. 'You disrespect my home and me every time I have allowed you to visit the children here, the consequences of your own actions are that your visits will no longer happen inside my home, you must make other arrangements.' Repeat, repeat, repeat without deviation; this gives him no chink to exploit, which he surely would. Hold firm.

This situation must be so confusing for your children. What on Earth are they thinking about your relationship with their father? Hopefully not that the two of you will get back together - given he's in your house so often and now in your bed? 🌹

He has overstepped the mark. Sounds to me as if he's trying to worm his way back in. Why would he do this otherwise.

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

He is walking all over you...in front of your children!

Stop the visits at home immediately.
He needs to make arrangements to take the children somewhere else when he has contact.
Tell him it won't be happening again. He can collect the children at x o'clock on Saturday but he will not be spending the time in your house.

Nope.. he can take the kids to a play centre on his money. No more coming in the house. He’s a slimy fuck.

Also, if you need to be there all the time, that’s not time away from your kids anyway. Nor are you out living your life (being single like he is when he’s not at yours.) This is just weird and wrong. It is also really confusing for the kids.

he often falls asleep on my sofa

Hardly contact is it?

Get him out.

Now when ex is here (we’ve never lived together in my current house) he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa

It is ridiculous that you enable this.

It’s ridiculous you sit in your bedroom for hours while he fucking dozes on your sofa.

Put a stop to it permanently. You’re actually being unfair to your kids by allowing this shit.

No. No. No. No. No!

He's completely taking the piss and is still controlling you. Absolutely unacceptable.

Don't let him into your house - as other posters have said, he can parent them outside of your house in inexpensive ways that don't involve him falling asleep on the sofa.

My DD is now 18 and I've told my ex if he EVER contacts me I'll go fully legal on him. These men need firm boundaries.

I'm absolutely raging on your behalf . Touching you and getting in your bed? WTAF.

He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Not what you’ll probably want to hear, but there’s only one answer and unfortunately it involves the contact situation

he often falls asleep on my sofa, goes and gets a pillow and duvet to chill out with on the sofa

The going through cupboards to get a snack or a drink I wouldn’t mind as much but I would completely draw the line at falling asleep on the sofa!!

1. What is he doing sleeping when he’s supposed to be seeing his kids and 2. In what world would anyone think it’s ok to just go to sleep on someone’s sofa like it’s a normal thing!

The sleeping in the bed thing is obviously unacceptable.
Did you say to him what the hell do you think you are doing? If not text him now! Tell him it was completely inappropriate and if it happens again he will know longer be allowed in your house.
Then list your boundaries - no going into your room at all, no falling asleep in the sofa etc

@WhereYouLeftIt

"he moves around a lot and only has a bedroom to his name in a house full of strangers - and is often short on money to go out all the time"

"It’s honestly bordering on mentally messing me up because it’s like he is trying to act like my partner or have a level of control over me and my house!"
There's no 'bordering on' about it. As someone said earlier, he might as well have pissed in the corners. I suspect this is his way of punishing you for having a home. He resents his own living conditions, which twists inside him to resenting you and everything you have, so he chooses to take it away from you - you hiding in your bedroom probably gives him a sense of power. But that also means your bedroom is your sanctuary, so by getting into your bed he defiles it and takes even that from you. He's a nasty little fucker.

the touching you is similarly a power play to put you on the back foot. Like I said, he's a nasty little fucker.

Time to assert your boundaries. Starting today, he will have to make his own arrangements for access visits. He can take them to the park, to eat at a supermarket cafe. He will actually have to actively parent them, not fall asleep on the sofa after scoffing from your cupboards. Don't so much as let him over the threshold. I mean that - he sounds like the sort of prick who would refuse to leave when asked, so don't give him the chance. No more chances!

Text or email him with the new arrangement. He turns up at X time and takes the kids out, returning them at Y time. He will not be allowed in as he has shown such disregard for your home. If he argues that your over-reacting - if he argues at all! - just repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't elaborate, don't justify in any other way. 'You disrespect my home and me every time I have allowed you to visit the children here, the consequences of your own actions are that your visits will no longer happen inside my home, you must make other arrangements.' Repeat, repeat, repeat without deviation; this gives him no chink to exploit, which he surely would. Hold firm.

All this ^^

It's not good for your children. They are seeing him treat you badly. They are seeing him touch you without consent. They are seeing him taking what he wants and you not enforcing boundaries. This is not good for them.

You're right that arguments aren't good for them either. Tell him he has to find somewhere else to host his children. You aren't doing that part of his parenting for him anymore.

This is not okay. When I was a kid, there was little money and my dad lived in a bedsit for about five years. Contact was at the park unless it really rained. When nothing else was open, we would spend hours browsing in furniture shops and show homes. Occasionally, we’d go to a very cheap non-league sports event or a free fete etc. We could suggest whatever we wanted, as long as it didn’t cost money.
If your ex can’t feed them, he can pick them up after lunch and bring them back in time for tea, but he’s long lost any claim to be allowed in your house.

Oh no he's really pushing things to an extreme level. My ex always asks me if I mind if he does anything and never goes into my bedroom and this was our house when we were together. But then he's not a vile person.