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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell ex he can’t come in anymore?

108 replies

Mumoblue · 09/10/2021 20:26

Sad

Oh dear, I’m having to make another post about my ex. Split up last year after an emotional affair (his). He moved out in May, back in with his parents down the street. He sees our DS every Saturday, and I’ve been letting him look after him here for part of the day. I was told previously that this was a bad idea, and I’m really seeing it now.

For a while it was okay, we just avoided each other when he was here - but today it’s gone back to how it was at its worst. He had a go at me in the morning and in the afternoon, about different things- one set off by a mild remark by me about something entirely normal and the other he was obviously trying to pick a fight and getting really wound up about a “hypothetical”. Then I got a bit of harassment by text after he went home, and a threat to go for full custody.
I realise I’m being really vague here but I don’t want anything outing after how he was with me today. He is just angry with me constantly and always blaming me for things that I have nothing to do with. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end.

Clearly I can’t let him watch the baby at mine any more. While I don’t think he would ever physically attack me, knowing anything I say to him could set off more harassment makes me feel unsafe.
My mother suggested that I wait until next week to tell him he can’t come in, but I am worried that will get a volatile reaction.

Sometimes his mother will take our son for a walk in the week- should I say something to her? Text him and say he is no longer welcome?

I’m feeling really ground down by this. Ideally I would like him to pick up DS at the door and drop him off at the door, even though this means reducing the hours he has him. (His mother says she cannot commit to having DS in the house every Saturday for the time he normally has him, that’s why he watched him here for part of the day).

I feel like I’ve just been a doormat and I’m so so worn down by it. I apologise if this post makes little sense.

OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 09/10/2021 20:34

I'd send an email or message saying it's your house and you're no longer willing for him to come in. From next week, he needs to drop off and pick up at the door. No discussion. Keep a copy and of any responses.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 09/10/2021 20:41

I second the advice above.

As for his mother saying DS cannot stay I their house all Saturday - how ridiculous! That's not your problem to sort. Don't be bullied into letting Ex back in your home because of this.

negomi90 · 09/10/2021 20:44

Text email him - keep all correspondence in writing. Don't involve his mum, its none of her business, nor is is your problem if she won't let her grandson be at her house all day on Saturday.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 20:45

Why can’t he have him at his own house?

TheChip · 09/10/2021 20:48

Well the threats for custody are bullshit if he is spending time with your child at your house because he can't have the full time at his mothers. So don't even worry about that!

Send him a text saying
"I feel it is best for all of us for you to make different arrangements to see our child from now on. Contact at my house is no longer an option"

If he tries to rant back about what he is meant to do blah blah blah. Just say something like "that's not my problem. Please don't contact me anymore unless to arrange contact"

DiscoGlitterBall · 09/10/2021 20:49

Well he’s a charmer!

  1. will go for full custody - really? he threatened that! Well what judge will give a man full custody without having their own home and only seeing their child for a few hours a week. Call his bluff and tell him to take you to court!
  2. red flag if his mum won’t let him stay in the house he is living in without her to look after his child (also see 1 above).
  3. you need to tell him, when is up to you but if you are that worried I would consider involving the police. I very much hope this waste of space doesn’t have a key to your home.
StripeyBadger · 09/10/2021 20:51

I would tell him now that his behaviour has made you realise it’s not appropriate for him to come by the house any longer. Therefore, he will need to sort out an alternative venue for childcare.

Mumoblue · 09/10/2021 20:52

@TurnUpTurnip
He’s staying with his mother now. She has said to me that she can’t have DS there all day Saturday because sometimes she wants one on one time with her other grandchildren.

Thanks for the other replies. Honestly this has just made me realise that I am actually a bit afraid of him - in the sense that the slightest thing can set him off trying to argue with me constantly and just sending snotty messages to me and it’s so exhausting. My sister is visiting tomorrow, I might ask her help in writing a message (obviously just from me but I might want help with the wording). I just feel like he makes me doubt myself, even when I’m sure what I said was reasonable and normal he will insist that I’m being a bitch and everything is my fault and it makes me feel crazy.

OP posts:
DeireadhFomhair · 09/10/2021 20:52

It's your home, you don't have to let him in.
Email him to tell him that he will need to collect dc to take him away and bring him back, starting next week.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 20:54

Oh sorry I didn’t realise he lived there. In that case he’s hardly going to go for full residency is he? If he can’t even have him there. Just be prepared for him to stop seeing your child then, (my ex stopped seeing the kids once I told him he couldn’t have them in my house anymore)

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 09/10/2021 20:54

It is hilarious he has threatened demanding custody when it is down to his mum hiw long he has him on a saturday!

Ignore and be firm. Firm boundaries.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 09/10/2021 20:58

Threats for "full custody" are designed to keep you in your place and toe the line. Ignore this bullshit.
Similar threats will involve Ex refusing to see his child and telling you it's your fault and your child will suffer because of you. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore

BlanketPiggy · 09/10/2021 20:59

Just stay calm and neutral in your message don't give any reasons or he'll pick them apart.

BlanketPiggy · 09/10/2021 21:00

I just feel like he makes me doubt myself, even when I’m sure what I said was reasonable and normal he will insist that I’m being a bitch and everything is my fault and it makes me feel crazy. any messages he sends you like that ignore, I'd probably screenshot them though.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/10/2021 21:10

Bet the hypothetical was about you possibly meeting another man, wasn't it?

I'd refuse to let him in after today's performance,

pickingdaisies · 09/10/2021 21:17

What blanketpiggy said. Put it in an email or message so you've got it in writing. Don't feel you have to get involved in any more discussion after that. Screenshot his replies. You don't have to justify your decision to him. You will be better off not replying after that beyond saying that the old arrangement no longer works for you, this is the new arrangement.

Graphista · 09/10/2021 21:18

He moved out in may but hasn't got his own place yet? Why?

His mum your child's gran not wanting your child for what a day? At her house is very odd UNLESS that's her way of ensuring your ex doesn't palm off care of your child onto her when it's meant to be his contact time - something my ex used to do

Re other grandchildren i don't see why one on one every week is necessary and even if it is why not see them Sunday's? Or your ex has ss Sunday's?

Clear boundaries are essential.

pickingdaisies · 09/10/2021 21:20

I remember your other thread, I had a feeling he wasn't going to play nice. So sorry OP. Oh and definitely do it before he comes round, and if you can have somebody there with you when he turns up. Or be prepared to call the police if he gets nasty

Wallywobbles · 10/10/2021 05:52

Do you have a lawyer? If so I'd let them do it. If not email and I'd say as of now he's no longer to come in under any circumstances, where he takes your DC during his contact time is for him to sort out. And all communication by email only. Consequences are important. Behave badly = loose out.

He's a long long way from getting any custody so I'd not worry about that just yet. And if he keeps shooting himself in the feet it'll be even longer. Foolish man.

I know it's scary because they have access and power over the most precious part of your life but that must not stop you doing what needs to be done.

violetbunny · 10/10/2021 06:03

Dear Twatface,

While I am happy to facilitate your contact time with our DC, it is no longer working for me for this to take place inside my home. As of next weekend, DC will be available for you to collect every week for contact between the hours of X and Y. As his parent, it is your responsibility to find a suitable place to take him to spend your contact time with him. I am not legally obligated to host you in my home, and I am not willing to discuss this matter further.

Regards
OP

Then I would switch your phone off and not reply to any messages on he topic. If he comes to collect your DC, do not let him in or engage with him - if you can have someone else there that may be a better idea. If he is a no show, then just ignore.

Fdksyihfd · 10/10/2021 06:08

Definitely contact him ahead of time, by message I’d suggest and reference that how he was with you this weekend.
In terms of him then having your DC for less time; that’s not your problem. He needs to sort out where he has your DS and don’t be manipulated just because it works better for them

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2021 06:52

Send him a message and tell him he’s not welcome because he’s a knob

Does he pay maintenance? Get a formal agreement for contact in place

PattiPritell · 10/10/2021 07:13

Would your DM hand baby over.
I would tell him he is not allowed in and baby is being collected from the door

Starfish1021 · 10/10/2021 07:22

Keep screenshoots of all his messages. No longer engage in anything that doesn’t relate directly to your child and be very clear and direct. You can no longer use my home for contact. Please find an alternative as this is your responsibility.

Starfish1021 · 10/10/2021 07:22

Pressed too soon. Good luck sounds so awful