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Original poster

To tell ex he can’t come in anymore?

108 replies

Mumoblue · 09/10/2021 20:26

Sad

Oh dear, I’m having to make another post about my ex. Split up last year after an emotional affair (his). He moved out in May, back in with his parents down the street. He sees our DS every Saturday, and I’ve been letting him look after him here for part of the day. I was told previously that this was a bad idea, and I’m really seeing it now.

For a while it was okay, we just avoided each other when he was here - but today it’s gone back to how it was at its worst. He had a go at me in the morning and in the afternoon, about different things- one set off by a mild remark by me about something entirely normal and the other he was obviously trying to pick a fight and getting really wound up about a “hypothetical”. Then I got a bit of harassment by text after he went home, and a threat to go for full custody.
I realise I’m being really vague here but I don’t want anything outing after how he was with me today. He is just angry with me constantly and always blaming me for things that I have nothing to do with. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end.

Clearly I can’t let him watch the baby at mine any more. While I don’t think he would ever physically attack me, knowing anything I say to him could set off more harassment makes me feel unsafe.
My mother suggested that I wait until next week to tell him he can’t come in, but I am worried that will get a volatile reaction.

Sometimes his mother will take our son for a walk in the week- should I say something to her? Text him and say he is no longer welcome?

I’m feeling really ground down by this. Ideally I would like him to pick up DS at the door and drop him off at the door, even though this means reducing the hours he has him. (His mother says she cannot commit to having DS in the house every Saturday for the time he normally has him, that’s why he watched him here for part of the day).

I feel like I’ve just been a doormat and I’m so so worn down by it. I apologise if this post makes little sense.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/10/2021 07:33

When H and I separated I used to allow him in when he was waiting for kids to get their stuff together to go to his.
I would make him a coffee as we were trying to keep it civil and unbeknown to me, while "popping to the loo", he would snoop around upstairs.
He took pictures of a pile of dirty washing and of one of the kids beds that had been wet and I hadn't stripped off yet. I found out because he still had his phone linked to our iPad so all his photos ended up on there too.
I never let him in again after that. I just told him to wait at the door. No explanation.

Wellydumpling · 10/10/2021 07:37

Actually OP if you’re even slightly afraid of him (and he sounds really nasty) I would suggest he picks up/drops from a café or similar.

He should have no reason then to come near your house and it will much more difficult for him to be intimidating or try to launch into convoluted arguments if you are in a public place with other people nearby.

Billybagpuss · 10/10/2021 07:46

So he threatens full custody, whilst living with his mum and she won’t even commit for dc to visit every Saturday. Never going to happen.

Dear arseface
Following your attitude towards me on Saturday I no longer feel it is appropriate for contact to take place at my home. Dc will be available for you to collect at x and should be returned at y.

Don’t elaborate any further and don’t engage beyond ‘not my problem’ or ‘that doesn’t work for me’ when he tries to strike back. If he persists get a new phone and advise him you will check the old number daily at a certain time, other than that it will be switched off.

Original poster
Mumoblue · 10/10/2021 08:00

Just to answer a few questions:

  • He’s still at his mums because he doesn’t work. He decided to go to uni, and is getting UC.
  • He pays me £30 a month in support, he’s paid me £50 twice “so [I] can’t say he does the bare minimum”
  • I don’t have a lawyer. I foolishly thought we wouldn’t need that sort of thing. We were never married, though we were together 11 years and engaged for 5 of those. I’m also on UC.
  • My mum can’t do the drop off because she lives far away, I tell her about the issues we have over the phone.

I’m mostly scared that he’ll see me stopping contact at mine as some kind of escalation, and either stop seeing DS altogether or threaten court or both, along with a bunch of text harassment. I don’t think he’d be given full custody, and I don’t think he even wants it. He’s never brushed the baby’s teeth, given him a bath or even looked after him for a full 24 hours. But going to court would make me nervous because there could be a chance I could get an unsympathetic judge.

Honestly this situation makes me so embarrassed as well as upset. When I broke up with him he told anyone that would listen that I was/am terrible and he’s not been in love with me for years. He has a new girlfriend now (long distance) so I honestly thought all that would add up to him taking his attention off me. This whole thing is so childish and unnecessary. Sad

OP posts:
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 08:14

He could have at least looked for part time uni rather than just opting out of earning money for his child. What a dick.

violetbunny · 10/10/2021 08:41

Just responding to your last post -I think this is why it's better to do everything in writing. You are making your child available for contact which is all you are obliged to do, and you will have that in writing. If he chooses not to take you up on it then it's his problem.

crimsonlake · 10/10/2021 09:06

Sorry you have found yourself in this position, but it all sounds pretty typical...they start of being amicable but turn nasty when they do not get their own way.
My ex was like this initially when he left. If he took the boys out and if I was out also when I returned he would be lounging on my settee. He seemed to still expect access to the fmh, so I soon put a stop to that.
Tbh I was always scared of his temper and he certainly did not like not having control. One time he pushed his way in and only left seconds before the police arrived.
I changed the locks in the end, yes he threw his dummy out and threatened me with the police, demanding a new spare key. It came to nothing and the police were not interested as it was a civil case so he would have to take me to court....which we did numerous times over the years anyway.
Be strong, stand up to him is my advice, always best to start the way you mean to go on from the beginning as you are discovering. Good luck.

Caramellatteplease · 10/10/2021 09:12

Just to clarify he has not named on the lease or co-owner of the house is he? I might be a little more cautious if he was

Original poster
Mumoblue · 10/10/2021 09:18

@Caramellatteplease

No, I should have clarified earlier. We’ve always rented, and when he moved out I got his name removed from the lease (which he agreed to with me and the landlord). He had a spare key up until his name was no longer on the lease, and then returned it to me.
I think he still feels entitled to this house a bit though. Some of the white goods are his (though some I dispute because we bought them as a couple).
When he got angry at me he said “It’s like you think this is” and then he stopped himself and said “Well I suppose it IS your house now” - so I think he was going to say it’s like I think this is my house. Which it is. Sad

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2021 09:24

Keep the email factual. Don't give a reason (you don't need to). Just say something like, as of today, contact can no longer take place in my house so you should make alternative arrangements. Don't get into an argument or discussion. If he asks in person you can just say, it doesn't work for me, I don't want to, that's not suitable any more, it's not an option, etc.

AlexaPlayBagpipes · 10/10/2021 09:34

I would agree everything by text

Avoid giving too much explanation. Literally

Dear dickhead
You need to sort somewhere else to have baby as you can’t see him here anymore
Contact times can remain the same but I will bring baby to the door for you.
Regards

billy1966 · 10/10/2021 09:37

Good advice above.

The key thing is you don't feel safe.

Send an email and NEVER allow him into your house again.

I would suggest you log your concerns, and phone number with 101.

Your gut is telling you to be wary.

Listen to it.

If he gets even slightly aggressive again, ring the police.

Keep copies of all correspondence for a record.

Stay strong.Flowers

MichelleScarn · 10/10/2021 09:39

He had a spare key up until his name was no longer on the lease, and then returned it to me.

Don't want to be negative thinker @Mumoblue are you sure this was only key he had?

KosherDill · 10/10/2021 09:47

@Wellydumpling

Actually OP if you’re even slightly afraid of him (and he sounds really nasty) I would suggest he picks up/drops from a café or similar.

He should have no reason then to come near your house and it will much more difficult for him to be intimidating or try to launch into convoluted arguments if you are in a public place with other people nearby.

This.

Orla1970 · 10/10/2021 09:55

Don’t have this arsehole in your house again. As others have said message advising that given his unacceptable and aggressive behaviour today you are no longer willing to host his contact at your home. Do not enter into any other discussion with him. If you allow his mum to take your wee one out that’s fine I would just be wary of what you say to her. Don’t mention him or get into trying to sort out where he has his contact. He is a big boy. Let him work it out himself. Good luck x

AlexaPlayBagpipes · 10/10/2021 09:57

Other suggestions regarding safety:

Have a friend present during planned drop offs/pick ups
Get a Cctv camera that records audio which constantly records
Ring doorbells are really good withthe motion sensor alerts, also when he’s at the door you can open the camera in the app so it records and saves your interaction with him
Ensure you have blocked him on social media so that he can’t see stuff and claim to be triggered
Keep a diary of concerns with dates and times
Make sure you have all baby stuff by the door so you aren’t going back inside when he is at the door
Get a security latch on side/rear doors, keep it on
If he ordinarily comes to a side/back door tell him to use the front from now on

All of this is based on my experience of perpetrators wanting to exercise power and control in secret and generally choose to behave better when being watched/in public view

Theunamedcat · 10/10/2021 10:04

Keep your message short and to the point

report his harassment to the police

Try speaking to womans and for support

Can you move a little further away? The house is too close to him and he clearly feels attached

RandomMess · 10/10/2021 10:15

I would keep it short

"Due to your nastiness towards me on Saturday I will no longer be allowing you into my home. DS will be available for collection as Xam your usual time and I will be home for you to return him between Y and Z. Let me know if you wish to start having him overnight.

I would consider changing the locks in case he got his key copied tbh.

Don't discuss or negotiate with him. Grey rock all the way. He will have to go to cafe or soft play if he can't take him home with him.

pickingdaisies · 10/10/2021 10:23

Couple of points. You aren't stopping his access to his DC, only to your home. He won't take you to court, he's got no money and he's too lazy. He just doesn't like the feeling that you aren't under his control. You only need to repeat, I'm not stopping your access. I just don't want you in my house.

Do as much as you can to make your home secure, as pp's have suggested.

Willowowisp · 10/10/2021 10:24

How is he entitled to UC if he is a single man studying. He would only have been entitled as part of a couple or if he was the pwc.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2021 10:39

You've had some great suggestions of what to say and how to say it.
I'd just like to add that I'm a bit shocked that he lives in the same street but only sees DC once a week.
If he can't be bothered when he's that close, I don't think he'll bother going for custody.
Does he pay maintenance btw?

ImJustMum · 10/10/2021 10:42

Agree with email or written contact only and advise any threats of violence or communication NOT about the care of your son will be reported to the police

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2021 10:50

I think you should message him. Just say something along the lines of the current arrangement isnt working and you don't think it's in your sons best interests to hear you arguing in his home (so not blaming him if you think that will lead to retaliation). But you do intend to stick to the current contact arrangements and your son will be available for collection from x at the same times as of next week

Starseeking · 10/10/2021 13:23

It's all empty threats, there's no way your ex will go for full custody when he currently only looks after your DS for a few hours at a time now.

I'd sent him an email with the content a few posters have suggested. When he comes to the door, make sure your DS is ready to go, let him join him straight away, then say something like "have a lovely time with Daddy darling", and close the door to your home. He can figure out where to take your DS if his DGM doesn't want him in the house.

I don't let me EXDP into my house for similar reasons.

billy1966 · 10/10/2021 13:37

@RandomMess

I would keep it short

"Due to your nastiness towards me on Saturday I will no longer be allowing you into my home. DS will be available for collection as Xam your usual time and I will be home for you to return him between Y and Z. Let me know if you wish to start having him overnight.

I would consider changing the locks in case he got his key copied tbh.

Don't discuss or negotiate with him. Grey rock all the way. He will have to go to cafe or soft play if he can't take him home with him.

I think it is a good idea to note his nastiness and I think the recording doorbell is and excellent idea.

Change the barrel lock if you can too.Flowers