To tell ex he can’t come in anymore?

[Mumoblue]

Oh dear, I’m having to make another post about my ex. Split up last year after an emotional affair (his). He moved out in May, back in with his parents down the street. He sees our DS every Saturday, and I’ve been letting him look after him here for part of the day. I was told previously that this was a bad idea, and I’m really seeing it now.

For a while it was okay, we just avoided each other when he was here - but today it’s gone back to how it was at its worst. He had a go at me in the morning and in the afternoon, about different things- one set off by a mild remark by me about something entirely normal and the other he was obviously trying to pick a fight and getting really wound up about a “hypothetical”. Then I got a bit of harassment by text after he went home, and a threat to go for full custody.
I realise I’m being really vague here but I don’t want anything outing after how he was with me today. He is just angry with me constantly and always blaming me for things that I have nothing to do with. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end.

Clearly I can’t let him watch the baby at mine any more. While I don’t think he would ever physically attack me, knowing anything I say to him could set off more harassment makes me feel unsafe.
My mother suggested that I wait until next week to tell him he can’t come in, but I am worried that will get a volatile reaction.

Sometimes his mother will take our son for a walk in the week- should I say something to her? Text him and say he is no longer welcome?

I’m feeling really ground down by this. Ideally I would like him to pick up DS at the door and drop him off at the door, even though this means reducing the hours he has him. (His mother says she cannot commit to having DS in the house every Saturday for the time he normally has him, that’s why he watched him here for part of the day).

I feel like I’ve just been a doormat and I’m so so worn down by it. I apologise if this post makes little sense.

You're ex sounds like mine only I was lucky enough that mine stopped contact on his own as a punishment to me. Fucking awful way to treat our kids especially when he still sees his older 2.
But its given me time to sort out my boundaries

It's a rental, he's abusive and controlling and lives just down the road from you whilst still thinking he has the right to your home, escalating things significantly. Your DS is also only a baby and he doesn't have that much to do with him despite the proximity.

Do you actually need to stay there? Might be better to live somewhere near your sister, perhaps? Or other family?

If he appreciated the time spent with DC at yours he would have avoided treating you like shit as he knew there was nowhere else. He didn't.

Telling him he cannot be there anymore is an entirely normal response to being spoken to like shit in your own home with your dc present.

He had a chance. He fucked it. Not your problem.

This is why so many kids have memories of being in the park with their dad after a split, because dad didn't sort his shit out.

(His mother says she cannot commit to having DS in the house every Saturday for the time he normally has him, that’s why he watched him here for part of the day).

Not your problem.
He is your ex - you no longer need to facilitate him, or have any concern about how & where he has DS.

I disagree with your mum - you need to signal this change in contact arrangements in advance, & very clearly.

Send him a text saying that he made you uncomfortable in your home last time he came for DS contact.
State that due to that, you are no longer willing to accommodate him visiting your home.
Tell him that this is with immediate effect, so you are giving him notice that he will have to arrange to take DS elsewhere next week.

Save this texts, & all subsequent from him. If he's going to be an arse, you may find it useful to have a record of your reasonable request to be left alone in your own home.

When he kicks off - & he will, it's obvious he enjoys needling you - text back "I have given you the information you need, it does not need further discussion. I am not interested in discussing anything with you apart from arrangements for collecting & returning DS."

You have to 100% mean this, because he will look to test you & challenge your autonomy.

Grey Rock him - www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

NEVER allow him into your home, even to nip to the loo. It will be an issue for him at first, & he will likely try to circumvent you with reasons why contact simply "has to be" at your house.
It doesn't.
This is your home, not his. He doesn't get to come & abuse you in it.

Talk to him about nothing other than DS.

He’s still at his mums because he doesn’t work. He decided to go to uni, and is getting UC

That's no excuse!

I did uni as a single RESIDENT parent and I lived in my own place, no reason he can't

Do not worry about court. Generally speaking the family court judges have their heads on straight ime and will see through his nonsense

My ex dragged me to court a number of times over utter nonsense, several different judges and they saw through him every time.

And he tried to throw a lot worse at me than your ex seems to have to throw at you (I was crazy, my family were crazy, I was a terrible mum, I didn't feed dd I didn't bathe her etc - all total bollocks! And it was seen through!)

Not only that he made malicious calls to ss too, an

Posted too soon

Anonymously but he has a very distinctive voice and as soon as they spoke with him they knew it was him. They weren't allowed to say as much to me but it was hinted/I worked it out

Again every time they saw it for the total bollocks it was

Malicious behaviour of this type happens all the time with separation involving children and even without dc.

Those that work in the system are very used to seeing it and recognising it

I deal with an ex like this OP. Always text - keep it super polite and even a hint of "apology" - "I'm really sorry to have to tell you but I'm finding it difficult having you do childcare at my house because we both get into arguments and think it's best for both of us that any future care is done at your house from this point on". Try not to make it personal. I find my ex responds a lot better when I add an element of explanation but am apologetic about it. Ok so it's not the whole truth but I find when I lay into him he responds badly and ignores whatever I ask, so somehow this method works, even if I want to let rip at him.

Someone on here suggested the nurturing coach website.
All about 'co' parenting with a narcissist.

There is free stuff on there, wish I'd been able to read stuff like that when mine was growing up. Would have helped.

Thanks for all the responses I sent him a short text saying I think it’s best for our son that he no longer has contact in my house. I said if that means he needs to change his contact hours then that’s fine.

He hasn’t responded, he’s pretty well known for not checking his texts (but has blocked me on everything else I could contact him on), so I’m a little worried he may turn up Saturday morning expecting to come in. While he does make me feel uneasy with his constant needling and arguing, I don’t think he’d be physical in any way.
But I’m not looking forward to this adjustment period.

Well done OP.

Can you have a mate round next Saturday, to give you confidence & support?

Well done OP!! That's the first step.
If you can have someone there next week at pick up time, I think that'd be good.

Well done OP. Is there anyone who can be with you on Saturday? Or arrange to meet elsewhere for handover?

Well done OP.
Text his mother the same information.

Please contact the police on 101 and let them know that you are taking steps with an abuser.
They may have advice.

Well done OP!

Good work OP.
Have a couple of friends round next time he’s due.

Change the lock - you can buy a new barrel for £15 (search for a secured by design one) and YouTube will show you how to change it in two minutes

The security latches from screwfix/tool station are £6odd and are very easy to fit too.

If you can’t stretch to a Ring doorbell consider one of the £20 IP security cams in your front window pointing outside

Generally the point with men like that is they can choose when to be abusive and knowing they are being watched often prevents it

You're gone should be your place of safety.

You are 100% in the right here.

Keep posting - lots of great advice and support here OP. When he makes you doubt yourself, we will help you see with clarity

You're *home! Home! 🤦‍♀️

FFS *your home

Ex has never set foot in my house, even when it's pouring with rain. I get Dd ready, shoes, coat whatever she needed and then opened the door to him. Gave the basic necessary info, 'she had calpol at 9am for teething' or whatever and then they were on their way.

As for threatening full custody they always do that - but how's that hoping to work for him if his mum won't even let him bring your DC back on a Saturday. Contact for small children is better if it's short but regular anyway and hell just have to find somewhere to take him, zoo, play area, library which is free etc. It's not your job to organise.

If you are scared of him kicking off ring the police non-emergency number so they can put a marker on your home.

Well done OP. On Saturday have your DC dressed and ready and Standon the doorway so he can't come in. Then you could go out and have a nice day to yourself and return home at the agreed drop off time and you won't be tempted to let him back in in the afternoon, this gives you a real break of your own.

Don’t open the door to him. I would suggest doing the drop-off in a public place.

My mum can’t do the drop off because she lives far away, I tell her about the issues we have over the phone.

Have you thought of moving back? But don’t tell him, just do it.

Has he responded @Mumoblue ?

He hasn’t. I don’t know if he’s seen the text or not. Text is not our usual method of communicating but he’s blocked me on the message apps we normally use.

I don’t think I’ve got anyone who could be with me Saturday morning either. I’m quite introverted, and my best friend works nights at the weekend.

If DS’s Nan comes to see him during the week I might have to mention it to her, but she was quite hostile with me when I suggested not having contact at my house a few months ago over the same issue. (Back then she managed to talk me out of it and he made an effort to not be rude to me).

I know I have to remain firm and stick to my boundaries. I’m just very conflict-avoiding by nature.

@Mumoblue if the nan visits just tell her what you’ve told him. Don’t explain, it’s a done deal and she is overstepping if she makes attempts to change your mind

Your only responsibility is to make the DC available at the arranged time. Just have the DC with their coats and shoes on and shepherd them out the door as soon as he gets there. If you are staying at home just let them in when they get back and stand in the door way no chatting on the door step other than essentials (if they've had medication) etc. If he brings them back early that's his choice but that's the end of his contact.

You can do it, it'll only take a few times for him to take the hint. If you let him in after he has pissed all over your boundaries it'll never end and be even harder to put them in place.