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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell ex he can’t come in anymore?

108 replies

Mumoblue · 09/10/2021 20:26

Sad

Oh dear, I’m having to make another post about my ex. Split up last year after an emotional affair (his). He moved out in May, back in with his parents down the street. He sees our DS every Saturday, and I’ve been letting him look after him here for part of the day. I was told previously that this was a bad idea, and I’m really seeing it now.

For a while it was okay, we just avoided each other when he was here - but today it’s gone back to how it was at its worst. He had a go at me in the morning and in the afternoon, about different things- one set off by a mild remark by me about something entirely normal and the other he was obviously trying to pick a fight and getting really wound up about a “hypothetical”. Then I got a bit of harassment by text after he went home, and a threat to go for full custody.
I realise I’m being really vague here but I don’t want anything outing after how he was with me today. He is just angry with me constantly and always blaming me for things that I have nothing to do with. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end.

Clearly I can’t let him watch the baby at mine any more. While I don’t think he would ever physically attack me, knowing anything I say to him could set off more harassment makes me feel unsafe.
My mother suggested that I wait until next week to tell him he can’t come in, but I am worried that will get a volatile reaction.

Sometimes his mother will take our son for a walk in the week- should I say something to her? Text him and say he is no longer welcome?

I’m feeling really ground down by this. Ideally I would like him to pick up DS at the door and drop him off at the door, even though this means reducing the hours he has him. (His mother says she cannot commit to having DS in the house every Saturday for the time he normally has him, that’s why he watched him here for part of the day).

I feel like I’ve just been a doormat and I’m so so worn down by it. I apologise if this post makes little sense.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 11/10/2021 20:43

He and his enabling mother will never see things from your point of view so don’t waste your time and energy trying to convince them of any decisions like this that you have to make. Don’t get drawn into long discussions where you’re constantly defending yourself. Practice repeating ‘It’s my decision to make. No-one is going to change my mind. I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.’ Even if it’s just over and over in your head when you’re feeling weak.

Mumoblue · 12/10/2021 12:22

Got somewhat of a response by text. No actual reply to what I said to him, just “I will take [DS] for a walk this afternoon”.

He did mention in the snotty message he sent me before he blocked me something about “having DS when he wishes and not by my verbal order”, which I’m now guessing means he thinks he can just text me with no notice.
And he’s not given me a time either so I’m guessing he’s just thinking he’s gonna turn up.

It looks like I’m going to have to get people involved to get a proper visitation in place, doesn’t it? Sad

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/10/2021 12:37

Yeah you're going to have to get a proper schedule in order.
His mum sounds just as bad. I think you need to stop being involved with all their contact. He has set contact hours. During his contact time he is responsible for visiting his mother. You need to draw a clear line between his and your responsibilities.

LittleMysSister · 12/10/2021 12:41

He needs to take his child to where he lives for the time he has him.

His mother shouldn't need to 'commit' to it because he should be looking after him.

ChargingBuck · 12/10/2021 12:42

If DS’s Nan comes to see him during the week I might have to mention it to her, but she was quite hostile with me when I suggested not having contact at my house a few months ago over the same issue.

It's no more her decision than it is your Ex's.
Please don't "suggest" anything to her.

If you do choose to mention it to her, you simply let her know that this is your new arrangement going forward. It is set in stone, & not up for negotiation.
Make sure she understands that your Ex is unwilling to respect your boundaries, & is rude & domineering in your home, so you will no longer tolerate him in it.

She can kick off about it as much as she likes.
Them's the rules now, & if Ex fails to respect them, he can deal with the police being called on him.

5zeds · 12/10/2021 12:46

If you’re happy for him to take the baby for a walk, then just text back “great, what time do you want to pick up/drop him back.”

ChargingBuck · 12/10/2021 12:47

‘It’s my decision to make. No-one is going to change my mind. I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.’

This is a powerful mantra @thefourgp - whether inside your own head or expressed verbally OP. Keep chanting it to yourself, it will really help your assertiveness.

PS Assertive people don't do confrontation either.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

ChargingBuck · 12/10/2021 12:51

It looks like I’m going to have to get people involved to get a proper visitation in place, doesn’t it?

Yes, & this may be an initial arseache, but it is ALL to your benefit.

Like all twats following your Ex's script, he will use contact to dick you around.
Now you've told him contact is no longer at your house, he has instantly chosen a new way of needling & controlling you.

Get the visitation sorted, then you are back in control.
Ex turns up at handover time, or he loses contact that day.
He doesn't get to call those shots - & courts recognise that it is in the child's interest to have regular & scheduled visitation.

Billybagpuss · 12/10/2021 12:56

So his usual visitation is Saturday?

I’d be inclined to reply something along the lines of

‘ok what time will you pick up and how long for. However going forwards we need to have a more structured schedule in place so we both know what’s going on, please let me know what days and times will work for you?’

So nice and non accusatory, but making it clear that random walks are not the way it’s going to be, as I’m sure he’d kick off if you were busy and not available for him.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 12/10/2021 12:59

I would get a cheap mobile you can email on and only contact via this. That way you don't have to take it out with you. Plus it helps with boundaries.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 12/10/2021 13:05

No sorry that doesn’t work for us. We need to work on a schedule so we both know what’s happening and LO stays in routine.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
He will push back, he’ll be unreasonable, he’ll saying your blocking contact. Hell probs get his mum involved but remember the key points.
He caused this.
It’s your home.
It’s not unreasonable to have a schedule.
He cannot dictate.

Solicitor/ CMS ASAP.

NewlyGranny · 12/10/2021 13:09

Message him that his behaviour last time reminded you why you finished with him and you have no reason now to be exposed to it now you have split, so he needs to organise his contact time somewhere else as he won't be coming into your house any more.

It's not your job to suggest alternative solutions, either. Do you have someone who can be there with you next time and act as a buffer to reinforce your decision?

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2021 13:11

Please don’t think you are stopping contact, you are not allowing him into your house
That’s 2 completely different things

whynotwhatknot · 12/10/2021 13:18

My sisters ex used to say that i'll decide when i want to see him

yeah ok then

NewlyGranny · 12/10/2021 13:26

You could get advice from Women's Aid about enabling contact while protecting your boundaries.

His feeling that he can turn up at any moment and demand contact for as long as he fancies is total nonsense. You might need some free legal advice!

Is he on your DC's birth certificate? Is the maintenance payment in writing anywhere?

He's currently harassing/abusing you by other means, isn't he? Don't be anxious about getting an "unsympathetic" judge if he takes you to court: you are not going to be on trial! It's better to sort contact out by calm discussion and mutual agreement, but there are people who can't manage those adult skills and he sounds like one. 😕

Women's Aid first: they have a forum and lots of advice you can look at online. The help number can get very busy and is more of a crisis line, so I wouldn't start there.

If he does start showing up randomly, you'll need to be ready to call the police if he gets shouty or scary about not being let in or being refused contact without notice.

The chances of him getting sole residence are roughly zero, given his DM won't even have her DS and DGS in her house for half a day, not to mention his inexperience caring for his DC!

Mumoblue · 12/10/2021 13:38

I’ve called Citizens Advice to ask about the process of getting an order set up. It seems complicated but they’ve given me a number for a free law clinic.

I texted him back that his behaviour concerns me and demanding to see DS on a non-visitation day with no notice concerns me. I am worried he won’t bring him back after he threatened to go for full custody.

He just keeps texting telling me to reply and that I’m stopping him seeing DS and he’s going to turn up at 3. I emailed him with screenshots of all the text to reiterate that I said no. But I’m still worried he’s going to turn up.

I don’t know if he actually WOULD not return DS but his behaviour and attitude are making me scared of it. Sad

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 12/10/2021 13:41

He just texted me that he wasn’t receiving my replies because he had me blocked. He has them now. He’s still insisting on taking DS for a walk today.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/10/2021 13:55

Stay calm and assertive and state it's fixed contact moving forward and what days and times would he like. Then negotiate if that doesn't work for you.

Court would award him fixed contact so it's perfectly reasonable to insist on fixed times and days.

Goldbar · 12/10/2021 13:57

Tell him contact at yours no longer works so he will have to collect DC and arrange for contact elsewhere.

Send him a draft schedule and ask him to suggest any reasonable changes he would like to make. Once the schedule is agreed, make it clear that DC will only be available for contact at the scheduled times, although you will be flexible to rearrange occasionally if it is for a good reason and you are given plenty of notice.

lilmishap · 12/10/2021 14:06

It's a knee jerk reaction to you enforcing a schedule, EVERY time I made anything to do with scheduling more cemented my ex would announce an ad hoc something. Random mid week park trip with lots of promises it would become regular was standard for being asked to turn up on time or to let me know if he wasn't going to.

HereticFanjo · 12/10/2021 14:25

Urgh he's such an arsehole OP. No advice to add, you've had lots of good advice upthread. Stay strong, all this will pass Flowers

Amiwronghere · 12/10/2021 14:27

Good luck op x

BuddhaAtSea · 12/10/2021 14:36

My exH tried this. Went as far as to say he’s entitled to be in DD’s room, as he is paying maintenance for her. Had a paddy because I wouldn’t smile at him and make him a coffee when he was hours late picking DD up.
So next time he came, I answered the door, told him to wait there, closed the door, got DD. He tried to barge in, I had enough strength to shut the door and lock it. And told him to step away from the door or I’ll call the police.
God those were fun times 🙄

HereticFanjo · 12/10/2021 15:47

@BuddhaAtSea

My exH tried this. Went as far as to say he’s entitled to be in DD’s room, as he is paying maintenance for her. Had a paddy because I wouldn’t smile at him and make him a coffee when he was hours late picking DD up. So next time he came, I answered the door, told him to wait there, closed the door, got DD. He tried to barge in, I had enough strength to shut the door and lock it. And told him to step away from the door or I’ll call the police. God those were fun times 🙄
It makes me so angry reading this. Very glad you have left him behind.
Boonlark · 12/10/2021 15:59

How are you OP? Did he turn up at 3?