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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? BF slept with other BF ex

116 replies

katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:06

Need advice.

I found out my best friend had slept with my other best friends ex (only broke up two months ago after 5 year relationship living together). These two are super close. Even closer than I am to these two.

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did. She was distraught and angry, said these two people were people she trusted with her life.

I told my best friend, please do not say I told you, as I want to be there for both of you and don't want to fall out but couldn't not tell her what I found out.

AIBU to expect to continue to be there for both of them, but not telling my Bf that I was the one who told other bf? Part of me is like be honest, and say if it was other way round I would have done exact same for her? Or just continue as it is and be there for her knowing I was the one who told on her?

OP posts:
Original poster
katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:07

Keeping in mind the friend who cheated has tried to commit suicide before and is currently going through a lot so I'm scared incase she does hurt herself because of this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:11

Who cheated? Nobody has cheated from what I read.

TheChiefJo · 09/10/2021 19:12

I would have never lied if asked but never voluntarily interfered either. At least one of your friendships is v probably over and that was the choice you made. I think you should be realistic and accept that. The time to worry was before acting.

Yummypumpkin · 09/10/2021 19:12

Cripes. Really??

TheChiefJo · 09/10/2021 19:13

@Aquamarine1029

Who cheated? Nobody has cheated from what I read.
Also, this pp is right. No actual cheating involved. Insensitive behaviour maybe, but not cheating.
Dozer · 09/10/2021 19:15

You made the decision to tell the friend whose recent ex slept with her/your other close friend, and should be honest about that with the friend whose secret you told.

Dozer · 09/10/2021 19:16

Crappy, disloyal behaviour by the friend who slept with her friend’s ex, but agree, not ‘cheating’.

Believer99 · 09/10/2021 19:19

Awkward but you should really own up about telling it's just sneaky and under hand otherwise. The friend that slept with the ex was well out of order. This is going to be a huge shitstorm there's no way you will come out of it still friends with both of them. Have the ex and friend admitted to doing the deed? If they deny it there is a huge chance of them making you out to be a shit stirrer

trollopolis · 09/10/2021 19:19

I doubt very much that either of them will want you to be there for them after this.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/10/2021 19:21

Its not cheating but you want the benefit of sharing hurtful gossip without having anyone fall out with you about it.

Its a bit two faced to be honest. If you felt strongly enough to tell your friend then you should feel strongly enough to fall out with the other one.

Onesailwait · 09/10/2021 19:22

It's not cheating if they had broken up. You should have stayed out if it.

Onesailwait · 09/10/2021 19:22

*of

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:23

Its not cheating.

And the friend who us struggling with her mental health, is especially struggling now so you went to tell the other friend she had slept with her ex.

Why would you do that? This is, probably, going to backfire massively on you and you may fund neither want your support.

I think trying to support your friend who is struggling whilst keeping from her that it was you who told, is snidy behaviour. If I was here and found out down the line I would end the friendship immediately.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 19:24

You need to learn how to stay out of other people's business. Telling your friend what went on between two other adults was pointless. You sound like a shit stirrer, honestly.

Trisolaris · 09/10/2021 19:25

Presumably the friend that slept with the other friends ex is also in a relationship and that’s why it’s cheating?

roses2 · 09/10/2021 19:26

I think you did the right thing. Regardless of the other friends mental health, they shouldn't have slept with their best friends ex.

madisonbridges · 09/10/2021 19:29

Sometimes the best thing to say is 🤐.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 19:30

You shouldn't have told your friend but you should have encouraged your other friend to tell her if there's a chance she could've found out from anyone else or if they were hoping to pursue a relationship.

You shouldn't ask your best friend to keep a secret for you when you didn't do the same for your other supposed best friend.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 19:32

I dunno really, if you weren't comfortable dealing with the fall out why'd you tell them? Maybe it's best you keep quiet. Now you have to lie to cover up what YOU did. It's not a great situation is it?

If l was other friend and l found out you told her, l would think you were shit stirring and untrustworthy.

StripeyBadger · 09/10/2021 19:33

@trollopolis

I doubt very much that either of them will want you to be there for them after this.
I agree with this. I’d be surprised if you stay friends with either of them. After all, they now both know that they can’t trust you and that’s what a friendship is based on - you betrayed one and the other one knows you did because you’ve told her about it.
Frazzledd · 09/10/2021 19:36

How did you find out? If the friend who slept with 'the ex' confided in you, then you went behind her back and told your other friend YABVU.

You should have supported her to tell the other friend if you knew, then stayed out of it, it wasn't your place.

Hiyawotcha · 09/10/2021 19:38

You should have kept out of it.

Original poster
katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:43

I disagree. I don't think it's shit stirring or two faced etc. If it was me, I would want to know. And my friend was very thankful I told her.
My question isn't whether it's cheating, I used wrong words. I think I will be honest with my other friend and explain I would've done same for her.

The trouble is everyone at her work knew, and everyone was scared to tell her. I couldn't be that person to not be honest and continue without telling her.

OP posts:
Original poster
katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:44

I found out through someone at her work. Not from any of them directly and she explained that everyone else knew and was too scared to tell her

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 19:45

@katie2812 no it's not shit stirring from your pov but they are absolutely going to see it that way

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