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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? BF slept with other BF ex

116 replies

katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:06

Need advice.

I found out my best friend had slept with my other best friends ex (only broke up two months ago after 5 year relationship living together). These two are super close. Even closer than I am to these two.

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did. She was distraught and angry, said these two people were people she trusted with her life.

I told my best friend, please do not say I told you, as I want to be there for both of you and don't want to fall out but couldn't not tell her what I found out.

AIBU to expect to continue to be there for both of them, but not telling my Bf that I was the one who told other bf? Part of me is like be honest, and say if it was other way round I would have done exact same for her? Or just continue as it is and be there for her knowing I was the one who told on her?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 19:46

I would stay out of all this stuff most definitely.

Original poster
katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:46

Jeez Mumsnet is sooooo ruthless lol.

My friend is still going to be my friends if anything she will trust me more. My other friend should still be ok with me because if it was other way round, she would be glad I told her. Like normal people. But she shouldn't be mad I told my friend, she's mad she got caught. You shouldn't sleep with your best friends ex, especially lying to her about it when she confided in her saying she would be upset if anyone she knew slept with him.

But ok thanks for your opinions I'll get back to the real world now and won't walk on egg shells

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 09/10/2021 19:47

Really you should've gone to the BF who slept with the ex and said the mutual BF is bound to find out as people are talking at work and it really should come from her.

Original poster
katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:48

Many people confronted the other friend and she was saying her hands are being forced, rather than thinking about anyone else who had to deal with the drama or thinking about her friend

OP posts:
Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:50

@katie2812

Jeez Mumsnet is sooooo ruthless lol.

My friend is still going to be my friends if anything she will trust me more. My other friend should still be ok with me because if it was other way round, she would be glad I told her. Like normal people. But she shouldn't be mad I told my friend, she's mad she got caught. You shouldn't sleep with your best friends ex, especially lying to her about it when she confided in her saying she would be upset if anyone she knew slept with him.

But ok thanks for your opinions I'll get back to the real world now and won't walk on egg shells

So you asked for what reason?

And I think you are having a laugh if you think your friend is going to be fine with you not only opening your mouth about what she did, but then 'supporting her' whilst lying to her. If it was the other way round she would be happy with you treating your other friend like that?

Your real world and friendship sounds fab! Enjoy! Hmm

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/10/2021 19:52

@katie2812

I disagree. I don't think it's shit stirring or two faced etc. If it was me, I would want to know. And my friend was very thankful I told her. My question isn't whether it's cheating, I used wrong words. I think I will be honest with my other friend and explain I would've done same for her.

The trouble is everyone at her work knew, and everyone was scared to tell her. I couldn't be that person to not be honest and continue without telling her.

It is absolutely two faced to say "I'm going to tell you this thing friend A did with your ex, but don't tell her I told you because she will fall out with me."

You want to be in the centre of all the drama and not have anyone fall out with you while you're winding it all up.

SilentPanic · 09/10/2021 19:56

You're getting a ridiculously hard time on here. You were a good friend to tell. It would have been a horrible betrayal if she later found out that you had known and not told her. The least people deserve is the truth.

TheChip · 09/10/2021 19:57

This is clearly shit stirring.

Aprilx · 09/10/2021 19:58

I don’t see how you can expect your part in this to stay a secret. What would you do if discussion with the one you “told on”, if she said to you she has no idea how it got out you would need to bare face lie to her.

With the decision made to split the beans, you need to own that decision and be honest about what you decided to do. There is really no way you can stay friends with both people.

SalmonEile · 09/10/2021 20:03

You need to own up to your part in it if you want to remain friends with the second friend.
Straight up tell her that you would tell her if it was her in that situation

residentkaleidoscope · 09/10/2021 20:04

You've already chosen sides by telling.

FatBettyintheCoop · 09/10/2021 20:06

Are you auditioning as a writer for some crappy soap?

Other people’s sex lives are absolutely none of your business, especially as no-one cheated on anyone and they were all single and consenting adults at the time.

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 20:10

@FatBettyintheCoop

Are you auditioning as a writer for some crappy soap?

Other people’s sex lives are absolutely none of your business, especially as no-one cheated on anyone and they were all single and consenting adults at the time.

wow

you don't like Soaps 🤣😂

Frazzledd · 09/10/2021 20:11

If you want to be 'honest' then you can't expect to keep secrets from either of your friends. You needed to tell friend A you were going to tell friend B this beforehand, saying you were in a difficult position, especially if you know she's fragile with her mental health?

You should have given her the opportunity to tell her herself, perhaps offered to support as a mutual friend to both. You chose a side.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/10/2021 20:12

It’s not cheating as they weren’t together. However I think you will lose at least one of them as a friend for this it will come back to bite you. Stuff like this should be found out by other people not friends.

helpforayounggirl · 09/10/2021 20:12

@Onesailwaitone You were right the first time.

trollopolis · 09/10/2021 20:13

Well if it's important to tell friends the stuff that impacts on them, then you should have no difficulty in living by your standards and telling other friend that best friend knows because you told her.

Maassi · 09/10/2021 20:15

If they had been together and you found out then yes, tell.

This? Shit stirring

slashlover · 09/10/2021 20:20

@katie2812

Jeez Mumsnet is sooooo ruthless lol.

My friend is still going to be my friends if anything she will trust me more. My other friend should still be ok with me because if it was other way round, she would be glad I told her. Like normal people. But she shouldn't be mad I told my friend, she's mad she got caught. You shouldn't sleep with your best friends ex, especially lying to her about it when she confided in her saying she would be upset if anyone she knew slept with him.

But ok thanks for your opinions I'll get back to the real world now and won't walk on egg shells

If Friend2 is going to be ok then you should have no problem telling her it was you.

As an aside, calling them both "best friend" makes it more difficult to read.

Cocomarine · 09/10/2021 20:23

My daughter has a “best friend” and another “best friend”. She’s 14 though.

MintyCedric · 09/10/2021 20:24

You say that the other two have been friends for longer than you have been with either of them.

Are you trying to put a spanner in the works because you feel like the third wheel?

I can't honestly think why you'd do something like this otherwise, apart from loving the drama.

If you think the friend you 'told on' will still want to be friends with you if she finds out you're delusional although I guess that's why you're trying to getbyout other friend to keep it a secret.

You sound about 13.

CallMeMabel · 09/10/2021 20:24

Of course it's shit stirring.

Nightlystroll · 09/10/2021 20:25

If you think it's the right thing to be honest, why aren't you telling your other friend what you've said? I don't think you were shit-stirring but you've now you've entered into a conspiracy not to tell your other friend. Doesn't she have a right to know what's going on? I would have kept my nose out of it, but now you've spilled the beans, I think you have to tell everyone the truth. The likelihood your friend will be able to keep your secret is probably 50/50 so if your conscience is clear, it shouldn't be a problem if your part in the sorry mess becomes known.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 09/10/2021 20:27

@katie2812

I disagree. I don't think it's shit stirring or two faced etc. If it was me, I would want to know. And my friend was very thankful I told her. My question isn't whether it's cheating, I used wrong words. I think I will be honest with my other friend and explain I would've done same for her.

The trouble is everyone at her work knew, and everyone was scared to tell her. I couldn't be that person to not be honest and continue without telling her.

Sadly, the world doesn’t work on “how I see it.” It works on how things are. Saying something and then saying “but don’t say I told you,” is shit-stirring, and at the level of 16 year olds. The friend with the ex is “grateful” now, and when the dust settles, she’ll look at you as the friend who can’t keep a secret because that’s how it ALWAYS happens (why do you think so many are telling you this will affect both your friendships). Where do you think the phrase “shoot the messenger” came from? But I guess this is your chance to learn not to be the messenger. The fact you called it cheating when everyone is a single adult just proves you find this more dramatic than it is. And thinking you can support your other friend when you betrayed her trust is… not a good look. Especially when your justification is “because she might hurt herself.” Then why in the world did you decide it was YOUR place to be the one to blow her life to smithereens?! Odd behavior if you’re so worried. I hope PP is correct and you’re just writing a soap script.
Flossieskeeper · 09/10/2021 20:30

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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