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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? BF slept with other BF ex

116 replies

katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:06

Need advice.

I found out my best friend had slept with my other best friends ex (only broke up two months ago after 5 year relationship living together). These two are super close. Even closer than I am to these two.

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did. She was distraught and angry, said these two people were people she trusted with her life.

I told my best friend, please do not say I told you, as I want to be there for both of you and don't want to fall out but couldn't not tell her what I found out.

AIBU to expect to continue to be there for both of them, but not telling my Bf that I was the one who told other bf? Part of me is like be honest, and say if it was other way round I would have done exact same for her? Or just continue as it is and be there for her knowing I was the one who told on her?

OP posts:
Peoniesandpeaches · 09/10/2021 20:31

I think you are massively naive thinking you can maintain the friendships. Friend 1 who you told this to is unlikely to keep it to herself that you told her especially since your reasoning was that you want to maintain your friendship with the one who hurt her feelings. Guarantee that the first time she gets really angry at this person it’ll come roaring out that you were the one who told her. She has no reason to want you to “be there” for friend 2. Also friend 2 is likely to jettison all associations with friend 1 for an easy life anyway but if she doesn’t as soon as she finds out you blabbed then she’ll end the friendship and you will come across really badly to other mutual friends. It’s just plain weird to want to remain friends with friend 2 after blabbing about her and makes it seem like you are the sort to revel in drama.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 20:35

If you think we are ruthless, wait till your other BF finds out you have been sticking your sticky beak in her business.

I agree with another poster, do you want to break this friendship up?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/10/2021 20:36

So this information is 2nd hand anyway. You were told it by a 3rd party and couldn't keep your mouth shut. I think there will be plenty of people not bothering with you anymore (assuming you are an adult 3this is true)

HeartsAndClubs · 09/10/2021 20:36

It absolutely is shit stirring. And you’re loving the drama because it’s along the lines of you being able to destroy a friendship which is older and probably stronger than your friendship with either of them.

Who any single consenting adult sleeps with is none of your business. In fact who your one friend slept with isn’t even your other friend’s business. He’s an ex, she has no claim on him. No most wouldn’t do it, but it’s nobody’s business if someone does.

And using your friend’s MH as an excuse to hide behind your shit stirring is completely disingenuous. If you’re comfortable opening your mouth to broadcast someone’s personal business then you need to own it. Oh, and hope that your friend who attempted suicide is ok. Hmm

HavfrueDenizKisi · 09/10/2021 20:39

Jesus wept.

You're a terrible shit stirring 'friend' who should have had the fucking decency to stay quiet.

None of this involves you.

Grow up and stay out of other adults business.

Sciurus83 · 09/10/2021 20:42

Why did you post this if you already know it all?

Friend 2 (who didn't cheat, but it wasn't very loyal of her) is no longer your friend. You blew it up, doesn't matter if you think you did the right thing, that friendship is toast now.

grapewine · 09/10/2021 20:47

Shit stirring. Why did you think it was a good idea to get involved in their business?

Nocutenamesleft · 09/10/2021 20:49

Proper underhand behaviour from you I feel

No one cheated. No one did anything wrong in the way of 2 consenting adults

You want the benefit of telling the one. Yet continuing to help the other out. Who is having severe mental health issues

What did anyone gain over knowing this information?!?

Purpleberet · 09/10/2021 20:52

Tough one. I think you’re getting judged harshly here. Pp saying it has nothing to do with you, well if I was your friend I’d want to know. If I somehow found out later that you’d known and kept quiet, though I would have understood, I would probably still have been a bit hurt.
I think you should own up to other friend that you told on her. Ideally you should have approached her first to tell her what you’d heard and that it puts you in a difficult position. Now you’re putting other friend in a difficult position too, by asking her not to tell how she found out.

AliceMcK · 09/10/2021 20:56

Ok, so let’s get this right, you have told your “BF” that her other BF who has a history of suicide attempts and is currently as you put it “going through a lot” slept with her recent ex based on gossip from other people without actually speaking to her to check it was true? And now your worried she will hurt herself or that she won’t be your friend anymore…

And, you don’t think your shit stirring or being two faced!

If you were a true friend you would have ascertained the facts, given your friend a chance to explain whether she did or didn’t before telling her you couldn’t keep the information to yourself if you really had to tell the other friend. Or you could have just ignored the gossip 🤷🏼‍♀️

user1493494961 · 09/10/2021 20:58

It all sounds very 'Eastenders'.

VioletVesper · 09/10/2021 21:04

@SilentPanic

You're getting a ridiculously hard time on here. You were a good friend to tell. It would have been a horrible betrayal if she later found out that you had known and not told her. The least people deserve is the truth.
I agree ^^ I think you did the right thing. Your friend shouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t prepared to deal with the consequences of your other friend finding out.
WomanStanleyWoman · 09/10/2021 21:33

@katie2812

Jeez Mumsnet is sooooo ruthless lol.

My friend is still going to be my friends if anything she will trust me more. My other friend should still be ok with me because if it was other way round, she would be glad I told her. Like normal people. But she shouldn't be mad I told my friend, she's mad she got caught. You shouldn't sleep with your best friends ex, especially lying to her about it when she confided in her saying she would be upset if anyone she knew slept with him.

But ok thanks for your opinions I'll get back to the real world now and won't walk on egg shells

This post tells me all I need to know. You were hoping to be praised for your ‘honesty’; for supposed loyalty to your friend with the ex. When you didn’t get this, you decide it can’t possibly be you that’s got it wrong… it must be Mumsnet and its users who are ‘ruthless’ and don’t live in the real world. As others have said, why ask if you already knew you were right and everyone who posts here lives in some fantasy land?

Your so-called honesty seems to be applied somewhat selectively. When Friend A sleeps with Friend B’s ex, Friend B has a right to know and you absolutely have to be honest. But you’re not so keen on the whole honesty thing if Friend A wants to know who told B. In fact, you’re actively looking for ways to keep THAT secret.

Maybe your friend is a bitch for sleeping with a mate’s ex. But you’re at best naive for thinking she’s going to thank you for broadcasting the news.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 21:50

So basically you were trying to drop the other friend in it to get brownie points and get thr one you told to like you more.

Nice

MordredsOrrery · 09/10/2021 22:02

I really don't understand any of this.

One BF slept with the ex of another. That's fine, because they're both single (you haven't said otherwise). This BF has mental health issues and you're concerned she's suicidal/has been suicidal previously.

So, for reasons I cannot fathom, you have told the BF who's ex she slept with and that BF is now going off the deep end.

And, somehow, you think this is being there for both of them?

You have thrown a hand grenade into your friendship group rather than staying out of one current and one former relationship, neither of which are any of your business.

I don't know what you hoped to achieve but, congratulations, this is truly spectacular, especially as you reckon this could go horribly for suicidal friend.

Apologise profusely to both for your abysmal lack of judgement (either everyone else was scared to tell her because they knew how badly this would fly or, more likely, they weren't scared they just had more sense) and take an enormous step back from both as you seem to have done your worst already.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 09/10/2021 22:18

Tbh if I'd split with dh and been apart 2 months I wouldn't care to bloody hoots who he slept with. God knows why you care so much. Why would your friend care does she want him back? I'm guessing your relatively young ?

TheChiefJo · 09/10/2021 22:18

@MordredsOrrery

Sums it up.

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 22:39

Pretty rank to be sleeping with your Best Mates ex of 8 weeks...

thats pretty telling ... what a rancid mate..

all the men in the world and she screws that one ...

ViperHalliwell · 09/10/2021 23:24

Do the three of you work together? If not, it's downright weird: one of Friend1's coworkers told you, Friend1's friend who does not work there, that Friend1's ex had slept with Friend2, and that everyone in Friend1's workplace is talking about this ... but somehow Friend1 is still clueless and the coworker thinks Friend1 should know that everyone's gossiping about her, but none of the coworkers want to tell her?

I think your next big revelation should be to Friend1's boss, who'd probably love to know why no one's getting any work done.

hellothere007 · 09/10/2021 23:28

What are you, 15?

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 23:40

@ViperHalliwell

Do the three of you work together? If not, it's downright weird: one of Friend1's coworkers told you, Friend1's friend who does not work there, that Friend1's ex had slept with Friend2, and that everyone in Friend1's workplace is talking about this ... but somehow Friend1 is still clueless and the coworker thinks Friend1 should know that everyone's gossiping about her, but none of the coworkers want to tell her?

I think your next big revelation should be to Friend1's boss, who'd probably love to know why no one's getting any work done.

🤣😂

MushMonster · 09/10/2021 23:40

Oh dear dear. You were in a difficult position.
I do not think you have done wrong by telling your other friend, specially if others already know.
I think the friend who has transgressed will learn that it was you at some point.
Unfortunately, you are trapped in the middle of this drama.
But you would also have been when your other friend would have found out from someone else.
It is the sleeping-with-ex-friend and the ex who have created this drama. So, I would not really care that much if this one did not want to talk to me anymore.
At least you have been fair and loyal to the betrayed one, so you shall not lose that friendship.
But if you are part of a small and close group, this is going to change this group forever. You be at peace with your concience OP. You did not make the drama. It was them.

Leobynature · 09/10/2021 23:50

Do the three of you work together? If not, it's downright weird: one of Friend1's coworkers told you, Friend1's friend who does not work there, that Friend1's ex had slept with Friend2, and that everyone in Friend1's workplace is talking about this ... but somehow Friend1 is still clueless and the coworker thinks Friend1 should know that everyone's gossiping about her, but none of the coworkers want to tell her?

I think your next big revelation should be to Friend1's boss, who'd probably love to know why no one's getting any work done.

This is brilliant*

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 00:03

Why did you get involved in this? You’ve caused a lot of hurt and pain and potentially ruined at least two friendships. You should have stayed out of it.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 10/10/2021 00:28

OP, do you know the term 'shit-stirrer'? Ah yes, I see someone used it upthread. Say what you see.