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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? BF slept with other BF ex

116 replies

katie2812 · 09/10/2021 19:06

Need advice.

I found out my best friend had slept with my other best friends ex (only broke up two months ago after 5 year relationship living together). These two are super close. Even closer than I am to these two.

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did. She was distraught and angry, said these two people were people she trusted with her life.

I told my best friend, please do not say I told you, as I want to be there for both of you and don't want to fall out but couldn't not tell her what I found out.

AIBU to expect to continue to be there for both of them, but not telling my Bf that I was the one who told other bf? Part of me is like be honest, and say if it was other way round I would have done exact same for her? Or just continue as it is and be there for her knowing I was the one who told on her?

OP posts:

PixieLaLa · 10/10/2021 00:47

So just to clarify you haven’t even spoken to friend who ‘cheated’ about this? It’s workplace gossip that you thought you just HAD to pass onto your other friend…Why didn’t you speak to her first and encourage her to be honest? All sounds very high school

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 05:04

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

OP, do you know the term 'shit-stirrer'? Ah yes, I see someone used it upthread. Say what you see.

TBF... I think sleeping with your BestFriends Ex (5 year relationship) of 8 weeks is pretty disgusting... very low bar and shady as fuck...

So.. the OP may well be wrong for sharing the info... but the BestFriend sleeping with this guy.... that's just gross crass and vulgar... who needs friends like that... all the men available and she sleeps with this one... after your bestie has been with him for 5 years... that's gutter behaviour right there... lowest of the low...

Real cheap ass lass that...

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 05:06

@Bizawit

Why did you get involved in this? You’ve caused a lot of hurt and pain and potentially ruined at least two friendships. You should have stayed out of it.

Sleeping with your besties Ex of 8 weeks kinda ruined the friendship... unless of course You slept with your best mates ex and such... maybe it's normal down your way...

SequinnedShawl · 10/10/2021 05:55

And the Big Wooden Spoon award for Shit Stirring goes to...

Percie · 10/10/2021 07:07

TBF... I think sleeping with your BestFriends Ex (5 year relationship) of 8 weeks is pretty disgusting... very low bar and shady as fuck

Why? He's an ex - who he sleeps with now is not her business. Her friend is single, who she sleeps with is none of the others business, either.

The whole OP is a bizarre and embarrassing reaction to the behaviour of single adults suggesting the emotional maturity of a teaspoon.

SunLovingMum · 10/10/2021 07:46

I suppose while technically it wasn’t cheating because BF1 and her boyfriend of 5 years had just Brocken up before BF2 slept with him, yeah to BF1 it is cheating and her heart /head tells her that. It’s betrayal by bit of them.

Frankly, I think I would have told BF2 to tell BF1 or that I would, then follow through

However, cat is now out of the bag. As previous poster has suggested, do tell BF2 that it was you who told BF1 became you Ely her strongly that she needed to know, that you felt morally obligated but that as a friend, you’ll be there for her too should she wish to have your help/friendship. BF2 may well feel that you betrayed her (although she was morally wrong do sleep w this guy, at least without talking to BF1 first).

We all felt it when Ross slept with a girl very quickly while on a break from Rachel. We all know it’s a no no

minatrina · 10/10/2021 07:52

I completely agree that I couldn't have kept my mouth shut either in your position, OP. I couldn't not tell a best friend about something like that.

However, I think it all depends on how you reacted to your other BF telling you that she'd slept with him. If it were me, I'd have been totally honest and told her that whilst I love her and want to be there for her, I'm disappointed in what she's done and that I couldn't keep the secret. I'd have warned her that if she didn't tell your friend then I would.

She put you in a difficult position by telling you, but if you weren't honest with her about her behaviour and if you told her you'd keep it a secret, then she will be upset with you.

Sounds very messy though OP, I hope everything turns out okay and ultimately your friend deserved to know the truth

KaycePollard · 10/10/2021 08:10

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did.

Ahh, but you could have.

Dozer · 10/10/2021 08:14

Not ‘shit stirring’ to tell.

Dozer · 10/10/2021 08:15

It’d be ‘shit stirring’ if the friend whose relationship had ended was only OP’s acquaintance.

ArranMumma · 10/10/2021 08:18

You need to tell the friend who “cheated” that you’ve told your friend. Otherwise it just gets confusing and even more difficult. I think you burned your friendship with her when you told your friend what she did. Not that you were wrong for doing that but yeah.

Auroreforet · 10/10/2021 08:18

I wouldn’t have told your bf because it’s all secondhand gossip.
It may be true but you could have chosen not to say anything and when/if confronted could honestly state you had no proof it was true and didn’t want to potentially spread false rumours.

Unfortunately you could end up losing both friendships.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2021 08:20

I’m sorry but I also think it was wrong. You have no proof, you saw nothing, that one of your friends slept with her best friend’s ex. You literally repeated gossip from “someone at her work” as if it were fact? Who does that?

And the friend who is alleged to have slept with the ex, is currently struggling with her mental health and is suicidal...but you went ahead and spread harmful gossip about her to her best friend anyway? This is reckless and cruel on your part.

FluffyBooBoo · 10/10/2021 08:30

So there some workplace gossip saying this happened.

I don't know about you, but I've worked on places where if you fart in the storeroom, by the time you get to the till rumor has it you shit yourself.

Yeah yeah, I know op. For some reason you absolutely know it to be true. Well, I hope it's worth losing a friend over.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2021 08:32

@minatrina
However, I think it all depends on how you reacted to your other BF telling you that she'd slept with him. If it were me, I'd have been totally honest and told her that whilst I love her and want to be there for her, I'm disappointed in what she's done and that I couldn't keep the secret. I'd have warned her that if she didn't tell your friend then I would.

Just wanted to say that is not what happened. OP said she found out from “someone at her work” that the one friend had slept with her best friends ex. No one confessed. There is no proof. It was 3rd hand workplace gossip that alleges that her friend slept with her best friends ex.

shreddednips · 10/10/2021 08:39

Oh dear, this was a sticky situation for you OP. But there are so many less inflammatory ways you could have dealt with this.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's ok to sleep with your close friends' ex partners, particularly when the breakup is very fresh. Breakups are hard even when they're for the best, and it would be painful if a close friend then slept with them, especially if you'd been confiding in that friend for support (assuming this would be the case if they're best friends.)

However; you don't actually know that this is what happened. You haven't heard it from the horse's mouth. Surely the more conservative, and no less loyal, course of action would have been to speak to the friend who supposedly did the shagging, make her aware that she's the subject of workplace gossip, and then take it from there. If you all work together (do you?), even MORE reason not to be chucking fuel on the flames without even knowing the truth.

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 10/10/2021 08:48

Single people can shag whatever other single people they like. Because they are single!

You, OP, are a shit pot stirrer.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/10/2021 08:48

If a close friend of mine had sex with my ex, 2 months after we broke up from a 5 year relationship, I would only want to find out from her or my ex. Not from a shit stirring so called friend.

If you had approached me and broke the news that our other friend slept with my ex I would feel uncomfortable with you. It would come across as intrusive and interfering and I wouldn’t believe you for one second that it was because you cared about me.

If you cared about your friend then stay out of it and wait for her to want to talk about it with you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/10/2021 08:52

Oh, and the fact that you acted on gossip rather than first hand information just makes it so much worse.

pommepommefrites · 10/10/2021 09:16

Sounds like she was eyeing him up for the entirety of their relationship. Not a good friend. But I still wouldn't have said anything, she'd have found out soon enough if it was that big of a deal. Maybe you should have encouraged her to find happiness outside of the breakup rather than telling her who her ex was shagging and therefore reeling her back in and hurting her more.

Bizawit · 10/10/2021 09:40

@QueenBee52 do I think it’s an honourable way to behave to sleep with you bf’s ex only a few weeks after they broke up? No of course not. Obviously it’s hurtful to the ex. But certainly no need for the OP to go around spreading this information/ pot stirring. It’s none of her business at all who two single , consenting adults sleep with, and telling her friend only caused hurt. Really childish and unnecessary behaviour.

gannett · 10/10/2021 09:41

I couldn't not tell my best friend so I told her that what other BF did.

"Couldn't"? Was someone holding you at gunpoint demanding that you spread gossip? Were you compelled to open your mouth by a mysterious supernatural force?

Or did you just want to stir the pot and cause drama - you've certainly succeeded if so.

I can't see what ANY of this has to do with you or why you felt the need to stick your beak in.

FreedomFaith · 10/10/2021 09:48

I agree with you, friend b deserved to be told how friend a has been a complete cow and slept with her long term ex 2 months after they split up. If anyone thinks that is OK to do they don't understand what loyalty is. He's just a guy, find another guy to shag, it isn't difficult.

But you should own the fact that friend a is a cow, that you think that and you don't agree with her choice. She might be going through a tough time, but she was horrible to do that. I would never forgive a friend who would do that, even if if wasn't my ex they slept with. Just shows what they are capable of and how they think of no one but themselves. I don't like selfish people.

FreedomFaith · 10/10/2021 09:51

@Percie

TBF... I think sleeping with your BestFriends Ex (5 year relationship) of 8 weeks is pretty disgusting... very low bar and shady as fuck

Why? He's an ex - who he sleeps with now is not her business. Her friend is single, who she sleeps with is none of the others business, either.

The whole OP is a bizarre and embarrassing reaction to the behaviour of single adults suggesting the emotional maturity of a teaspoon.

Jesus with friends like you who needs enemies?

You actually would jump into bed with your best friends ex 2 months after they split up after a long term relationship and expect them to be OK with it?

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2021 09:52

If your friend had have found out that you knew and said nothing, she'd feel even more hurt and that she didn't have one friend who she could trust. So own what you've done and why. As the other friend should. Don't let her deflect this onto you.
This wasn't going to be a 'shoot the messenger' scenario. Unless your other friend is in love with the ex there's enough cocks out there that you don't have to jump on your close friend's ex. If it is going to be a long term thing then better to pull that plaster off now, than carry on with more deceit. If you normally all discuss who you are seeing/shagging, then it's deception by omission.
It might affect all friendships, but it was always going to and that's one the ex shagging friend.

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