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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask how well your parents really know you?

110 replies

KnotKnot · 09/10/2021 16:13

I'd consider that I had a good childhood. Parents were kind and supportive, and (while we didn't have a lot of money looking back) I had everything I needed.

However, I think there is really a lot that they don't know or understand, and we're often not on the same page. They had zero input on my studies or career direction, not aware of many things that have happened in my life, often seem surprised at things I do, etc.

Just curious if my situation unusual.

YABU - Yes, My parents really know me very well
YANBU - No, my parents don't know me well

OP posts:
CherryAndAlmond · 09/10/2021 16:18

YANBU. I feel the same. But they certainly think they know me, which means their advice is usually rubbish. I've given up trying to change them and have chosen to keep the peace. I know they love me, but it's a version of me that they want to see.

RedskyThisNight · 09/10/2021 16:19

My parents spent my childhood trying to mould me into the child they thought I should be. So, they have zero knowledge of who I actually am as a person. They spent a lot of time telling me that I like things I don't or I behave in ways I don't (e.g. that I'm short tempered, when actually I hardly ever lose my temper).

2lsinllama · 09/10/2021 16:20

If you asked my mum she would say she knows everything about me. She would be wrong.

Elephantsparade · 09/10/2021 16:21

I reckon my Dad could pick me out in a crowded room.
My mum knows what i let her know

DramaAlpaca · 09/10/2021 16:31

Not very well at all, which isn't surprising as they are not interested in my life or my children's lives. They are very selfish people.

They think they know me, but that's based on when I was living at home. I left for university at 18 and never lived at home, or anywhere close to them again. I've lived in a different country for the last 20 years. I'm not too far away but they have never had an interest in visiting because they'd rather do other things.

They are very elderly now so can't travel, and I find it sad that they don't know me, have all wrong ideas about me, and have never bothered to forge a relationship with their grandchildren. That last bit is particularly hurtful. I don't go to see them as often as I should because I just don't enjoy spending time with them.

CSIblonde · 09/10/2021 16:31

My parents didn't really know me. They constantly under estimated me & wrote me off because I was very very shy & socially , very anxious. They'd be astonished at some of the stuff I've done with no support & just my own drive. They were also astonished that other people found me good company : once I know someone or have met them once or twice , my anxiety is out the window & I'm fine & actually I can talk to anyone. I also know how to mask my anxiety really well now.

EmmotionalRescue · 09/10/2021 16:38

As you see from the other posts, it is not as uncommon as you think. There are many major things in my life that they don't know (that I was raped by a stranger in college, that I ditched the BF they adored because he had no motivation, that I chose not to accept a job in the town they live in, etc.)

There is a gap between parents and children. I also expect there is lots about my parents I don't know either.

Cactus1982 · 09/10/2021 16:39

They know where I live and what I do for a living and that’s about it. I think my DM thinks she knows me very well but she’d be wrong and I don’t think she’s all that interested in finding out about me either, she has an image of me of in her head and that’s it. I don’t think she’s ever once asked how I am.

thebear1 · 09/10/2021 16:42

I have a good relationship with my parents but they know a version of me, the version of me as daughter. We love and like each other but wouldn't say we are also friends so there are sides to me I don't share with them. Within my friendship group this seems pretty usual.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 09/10/2021 16:43

My dad knows me really well and totally gets me as a person.

RadioWASP · 09/10/2021 16:43

I think my parents have an idealized image of me (and maybe me of them?). There is a lot of things about me that they will never know or understand.

everythingbackbutyou · 09/10/2021 16:47

@DramaAlpaca, yes to all you said. A source of immense hurt.

Vindo · 09/10/2021 16:47

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my mum and have always been quite honest with her. She was always pretty supportive and non judgemental when I was a teenager and I think that really helped.

She has actually accused me of over sharing on a few occasions!

My husband and in laws are a completely different story and I find it really sad.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 09/10/2021 16:51

Hardly at all. I'm a cross between frozen in time at 18 and an image of a person they have in their heads. Plus my Mum doesn't listen/take much of an interest so they don't know me well at all.

I'm sad about it, but sort of resigned at this point.

WellTidy · 09/10/2021 16:56

The older I get, the more I think that many parents just don’t really know their adult children. Relationships can often lack depth as they’re more about what each party wants to see and feel in the moment, and real issues or feelings just get glossed over as nobody wants the other to be upset or feel that they’re not as great as they think they are.

Fairyliz · 09/10/2021 16:57

I will ask you a question. How well do you really know your parents?

Have you ever asked them about their childhoods, their hopes and dreams, their fears and worries?

I have an adult dd who would say I don't know her.. However I don't think she has the first clue about me and shows absolutely no interest in who I am. The other day I mentioned I was off to my hobby and she was surprised to know I was going. I've been doing this for about five years!

My other daughter in contrast actively seeks out my company. She tells me what she is doing, answers my questions (even when she knows I won't like the answer) and asks me all about my life.

So to be honest I think it is more of personality thing than anything else.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 09/10/2021 16:58

My mum is dead and my dad doesn’t bother with me.

Neither of them bothered to find out about me at all. I’m stuck as far as they’re concerned at 15. Or something.

Muttly · 09/10/2021 17:00

The older I get, the more I think that many parents just don’t really know their adult children. Relationships can often lack depth as they’re more about what each party wants to see and feel in the moment, and real issues or feelings just get glossed over as nobody wants the other to be upset or feel that they’re not as great as they think they are.

Yes I completely agree with this I think most parent’s and most children are some sort of Jungian archetype fantasy in the minds of children/parents in a lot of cases.

Dumbledoresgirl · 09/10/2021 17:02

I would have thought they knew me pretty well though I have definitely kept secrets from them over the years, but my dad was surprised to learn recently that I have essentially had low grade depression all my life. It was not one of the things I had hidden from them. I think my mum would have recognised it better but she is no longer alive.

Weird though it might sound given I am not from that sort of culture, I have always thought my parents could have chosen me a better husband than the one I chose for myself.

CookPassBabtridge · 09/10/2021 17:06

I felt my dad understood me as we were similar but he's gone now. My mum loves me a lot and does know certain things I like etc. But they certainly didn't/don't know everything about me.. who my friends are, my favourite bands, what I spend my evenings doing, a lot of my personality they don't see. They could meet and talk to my friends and not know who they are or the way they talk about me. But that's normal isn't it? We go through the teenage years and begin to hide things and not tell them things.. start to fly the nest.. and not want to be judged for things we do and decisions we make. Because parents aren't scared of being vocal to us. They see our faults more.
It's a weird feeling thinking our friends and partners know us far more than parents/siblings but also makes sense.

CookPassBabtridge · 09/10/2021 17:09

@WellTidy

The older I get, the more I think that many parents just don’t really know their adult children. Relationships can often lack depth as they’re more about what each party wants to see and feel in the moment, and real issues or feelings just get glossed over as nobody wants the other to be upset or feel that they’re not as great as they think they are.
Yes to this! Lots of parent child relationships are superficial.
JaninaDuszejko · 09/10/2021 17:10

Well I left home to go to University over 30 years ago and live a long way away so only see them once or twice a year (it's a flight away). I grew up in rural Scotland on a farm and now am very senior in my technical career working for a blue chip company. DH and I share the childcare and both work FT, and we have no family nearby. My life is very very different to theirs so they can't really fully know me. But I feel like I expect so much from my parents while simultaneously hating the unreasonable expectations put on me by parenthood which us unreasonable. I don't know them very well now either but we have a shared history and that is enough.

FrazzledY9Parent · 09/10/2021 17:11

My parents are loving, but they don't "see" or understand me. I used to find this difficult, but now (in my forties) I see it as freeing and an opportunity to be my own person. (Not saying anybody else should feel this way, that's just my experience.)

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 09/10/2021 17:15

God I could have written this post.

I was a very loved child but my parents were quite naive in a way.

My mum couldn't tell you what I do for a job now, doesn't pay much attention to anything I do and shows little interest.

She does however, have this fixation that we are very "alike". Other than looking similar to each other we couldn't be more different and clash terribly.

Washeduponthebeach · 09/10/2021 17:16

@Fairyliz

I will ask you a question. How well do you really know your parents?

Have you ever asked them about their childhoods, their hopes and dreams, their fears and worries?

I have an adult dd who would say I don't know her.. However I don't think she has the first clue about me and shows absolutely no interest in who I am. The other day I mentioned I was off to my hobby and she was surprised to know I was going. I've been doing this for about five years!

My other daughter in contrast actively seeks out my company. She tells me what she is doing, answers my questions (even when she knows I won't like the answer) and asks me all about my life.

So to be honest I think it is more of personality thing than anything else.

Very good post. I think a lot of adult children expect a lot from their parents but know little about their parents in return, and really have no interest either.