... to ask how well your parents really know you?

[KnotKnot]

I'd consider that I had a good childhood. Parents were kind and supportive, and (while we didn't have a lot of money looking back) I had everything I needed.

However, I think there is really a lot that they don't know or understand, and we're often not on the same page. They had zero input on my studies or career direction, not aware of many things that have happened in my life, often seem surprised at things I do, etc.

Just curious if my situation unusual.

YABU - Yes, My parents really know me very well
YANBU - No, my parents don't know me well

Ask my mother where I work and what i do and she wouldn’t have a clue. She is never interested in our other bed. I told her DH had been rushed to hospital and I was in a state as I had no idea what was happening…she didn’t even ask anything but launched into some story about her driving to the dump!

I loved both my parents dearly and had a great childhood. I'm very thankful for that secure base. Df died some time ago but I now live back close to dm.

But I still don't think we know each other well outside mum/ daughter roles. As pp have said, I know her as a mum, but tbh have shied away from knowing her better. In some ways I don't want to know what her regrets are/ relationship was like with my dad, her mental health etc. Not sure why not - maybe it's too uncomfortable? I like to believe she's been happy and don't want to know if not? Equally she knows me well but I'd struggle to tell her negative things ie relationship with dp is poor, as I wouldn't want to worry her. It's sad in some ways as she has dementia now so I can't fill the gaps.

I would do anything to be close to my dc when they are adults, but I do think there will be gaps where we protect each other more than you might with friends.

My parents are now dead but I'd say they both knew me pretty well. There were lots of unimportant details of my life that they didn't know, but in essentials they knew me very well - so would know how I felt about things or how I would be likely to react to things.

My mother in particular was very perceptive in relation to all her children and grandchildren.

My dad was closer to knowing me. As he has aged he has become much more insular and just wants to talk about his trips to sainsburys and very little else so the relationship has become much more one dimensional. My mother didn’t really get kw and provide any particularly useful input from the primary school years onwards. She was brilliant with toddlers but couldn’t seem to relate to the needs of us as children as we became independent people.

I don’t know my parents and they don’t know their children. From reading this it seems like that was the norm. I loved them dearly until a few years back when a history of serious abuse in our family emerged and their behaviour since means that love I had for them has become a lot more complex and has seriously eroded. They aren’t dead but for me those relationships have died. They bore some responsibility for seriously damaging relationships between siblings too. Interestingly I wouldn’t say my siblings ever knew each other either. Some relationships had developed more in adulthood but they have not survived the emergence of abuse.

This thread is really quite sad.

@Washeduponthebeach

This thread is really quite sad.

It doesn't have to be. I've moved far away so of course there's some emotional distance as well because they can't be that involved in my life. And that's OK, it was my choice to move away for my career.

My mum is not alive now , but since her death I realise I probably overshared with her. She was my shoulder to cry on when things were not going well with dh, and I could speak with her about anything . In hindsight I might have burdened her too much.

@Washeduponthebeach

This thread is really quite sad.

Why is it? Surely it's pretty normal.

I dunno really. I didn’t have a great relationship with my parents but thought they were exceptionally bad parents. Perhaps most parents don’t really know their children. It’s a sad reflection on family life.