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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask how well your parents really know you?

110 replies

KnotKnot · 09/10/2021 16:13

I'd consider that I had a good childhood. Parents were kind and supportive, and (while we didn't have a lot of money looking back) I had everything I needed.

However, I think there is really a lot that they don't know or understand, and we're often not on the same page. They had zero input on my studies or career direction, not aware of many things that have happened in my life, often seem surprised at things I do, etc.

Just curious if my situation unusual.

YABU - Yes, My parents really know me very well
YANBU - No, my parents don't know me well

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 09/10/2021 20:22

My parents wanted an extrovert child who was the life and soul of the party. My mother used to slap my legs to make me dance at parties, where I’d have been happier in my room with a book. My cousin Z was exactly the sort of child my mother wanted, and she describes Z as “the daughter I never had.” She cannot comprehend my job, and tells me I should have been a shorthand typist like her. One of her friends asked her if she was proud of me last time I went to see her and she clamped her lips firmly together and looked at the floor. She has had zero involvement in her grandchildren’s lives and has no interest in them, unlike DMIL.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/10/2021 20:23

I would say they both know me well and we do have a good relationship. There are some things they don't know though. There are, I'm sure, things I don't know about them. I think my Dad probably gets me more as a person because we are alike in character.

All that said, I always feel that my Nana was the person who truly appreciated me for who I am and knew the most about me. I had few, if any, secrets from her. I miss her every day now that she is no longer here.

Acornacorn · 09/10/2021 20:35

I’m exactly the same, op. Sometimes it makes me sad.

MumOfTwoChildren · 09/10/2021 20:49

Never really been close with my mum, she doesn't take much of an interest in anyone but herself, she knows absolutely nothing about me or her grandchildren because she doesn't bother asking about us and doesn't listen when I share updates with her, she's exactly the same with my aunt, we regularly feel forgotten about. If I didn't message her every few days I probably wouldn't hear from her for weeks, unless she needed tech support with her phone or laptop.

My dad on the other hand regularly messages me, does video calls with the kids and asks how we are.
Both my parents live together as well which makes it odd.

canichange · 09/10/2021 20:50

Absolutely nothing, although they'd never believe it.

MintyCedric · 09/10/2021 20:57

My dad knew me and I could tell him anything he didn't know without fear of judgement. He passed away in May and I miss him so much.

My mum's perception of me is based on who I was about 30 years ago and her own wild assumptions.

Atla · 09/10/2021 20:58

I think mine know me pretty well, up to a point, that's normal though I think? I mean once you are an adult everyone has their own lives - I wouldn't expect or want them to know everything about me. We all have lots of versions of ourselves that we show to different people - friend me, daughter me, work me, mum me - all a bit different.

I will say that in my Step Dad's mind I will eternally be 16 and my sister will be eternally 8 (we are both in our forties).

scarpa · 09/10/2021 21:01

This was quite nice to think about because mine know me pretty well, I think.

You could ask my parents what I'd do in a given scenario and they'd know exactly - they don't still see me as my childhood or teenage self, iyswim. If I am having a bad MH week, I'd talk to them about it. They know what my job is and who my friends are, they know what I like to do in my spare time. They both send me links to music or articles or books I'd like - we're all quite alike in personality, and I think that helps.

I also don't intentionally hide any aspect of my personality or life - big or small, from tattoos to political affiliation to teenage/20s drug use to sexuality - from them now I'm an adult, although I did when I was a teen because...well, I think they'd have been less thrilled to find out their eldest tried her first pill at Leeds Fest 06 at the time. But if something like that came up in conversation now, I wouldn't feel the need to censor it (which is testament to their excellent ability to see me as the adult I am now, not just as 'my child').

I genuinely like them both as people, and I think they like me as a person and not just as their child, and reading this thread I feel very very grateful for that. I'm sorry to those of you that isn't true for. Flowers

(Actually a bit of what I said above is a lie, my dad doesn't know I vape because he didn't know I smoked in the first place, except he does and we just never talk about it (I know he knows, and I think he knows I know he knows Grin) and I don't do it in front of him!)

Klac30 · 09/10/2021 21:02

My parents don't know much about me and even if they did they'd probably not understand me or even try to. I'm very different to my family - the black sheep for sure.

grapewine · 09/10/2021 21:04

They know what I'm comfortable with them knowing. It's not a lot.

Atla · 09/10/2021 21:32

Just thinking about it a bit more, I think my mum definitely would have a good grasp of how I would act/feel in a particular situation - she's always accepted me for who I am, good and bad, and I've always felt able to be open with her because I know she loves me regardless and has always had my back - even in my teens when I fully admit I was a nightmare. I hope I've made up for it since.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 09/10/2021 21:35

It's a really interesting post but it's made me feel a bit sad.

My dad was a lovely dad, but he didn't know me at all. He isn't with us any more.

My mum is something else, she def doesn't know me, and I tell her absolutely nothing because it will be used against me as a judgement or jibe at a later date. I keep conversation very superficial.

My entire family thinks I'm the exact same person I was when I was 15, angry and surly, and getting into minor trouble. They don't realise that I always felt like the outsider in the family, that none of them gave a shit about me. I was diagnosed with chrohns as a kid, which meant that I spent a small time in hospital, monthly appts etc and I always felt like I was a burden to them, it inconvenience them to have to look after me. So I stopped telling people I was unwell, took myself off to doctors, looked after myself, and i still do that.

I don't tell anyone anything. I'm not affectionate with them, this has pegged me as "odd". I'm a really good mum, they think that's weird and are surprised by a lot of what I do. I stopped trying to please anyone and get on with my own thing.

I have a 16 year old and I am v close to him, he has mental health issues and I'm supportive and proactive with that. I'm not so silly to think he doesn't hide things or keep things to himself though. I wish he told me everything about every part of his life, but I never want him to pull away from me.

Longdistance · 09/10/2021 21:40

My dm keeps questioning my judgment on lots of things in my life. I don’t know why as time and time again I’ve been right with my life decisions.

HouseD · 09/10/2021 21:54

Like @RedskyThisNight my mother spent so much time trying to mould me into how I should be and criticising anything she didn't like that she doesn't know me at all. My mother overshares and I know more about her than I want to. I barely know anything about my dad as my mum disapproved and ridiculed pretty much everything about him so he didn't say much.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 21:57

@vindo my mum has also expressed surprise/shock at me telling her some things. Things that to me aren't shocking or ott but she told me she'd never have told her mum what I told to her 🤣

To answer the op: my parents don't know me as well as they think they do. Even though I am close to them there's loads they don't have s clue about band loads they presume.

Changemusthappen · 09/10/2021 21:58

My parents don't know me very well although they know my brother (golden child) very well as they've taken time to listen to him and understand what he's 'been through'. I don't think I'm allowed or was every allowed to go through anything and I'm not allowed to have any 'issues' that need discussing. They also understand my sister and her very very strange husband or should I say they don't understand why I can't just understand and make allowances for them and just shut up and fit in.

I've tried to talk to my parents but they don't want to have that conversation. My mother especially has lied to my face on numerous occassions. They seem to find it awkward that I have been quite successful.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 21:58

However, I imagine it works both ways and I don't know as much about them as I think either!

Abouttimemum · 09/10/2021 22:03

Yeah mine know us all inside out. And we know them too. I think it’s quite unusual.

They obviously don’t know everything about my personal life but they know how my brain works better than I do.

ragged · 09/10/2021 22:12

We chat a lot but ...I don't tell them much so they don't know me.
I don't understand their needs & preferences very well & visa versa.

I think we're just very different people.

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 22:13

I know everything about my dad. His life. His mistakes. And vice versa.
If I really fuck up I can phone him all hours and cry like a child! he will listen and not judge.

He’s told me some dark stuff about his life, never hidden anything. So I think we know each other more than anyone else in the world. This does not make him a good dad though.

He’s 90!

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 22:16

@scarpa
Ha you and yours sound like mine.
Especially the smoking.

UnsuitableHat · 09/10/2021 23:10

I wouldn’t say my DM knows me well. I keep myself quite hidden from her.

bananaboats · 09/10/2021 23:30

I feel the same, I feel they still see me as a teenager in some ways not a woman in her 30s. Have never had any real input or interest in my studies or career. Neither of them could probably tell you in depth what I do for a living despite me seeing and speaking to them reasonably regularly. I would never go to them in a crisis and are probably the people I would open up to least about personable things. They are quite 'traditional' in their views and parenting despite not actually being that old.

Greyeverywhere · 09/10/2021 23:36

Neither of my parents 'get' me which I find sad. But all in all we have a good relationship and speak several times a week but honestly they don't know as much about me as they think they do.
My DH is a completey different person around his family than he is with anyone else which I find sad too but he seems to not want to displease them by being any different to what they think of him or who he should be. I think i prefer that I am who I am even if my own parents don't seem to understand or like a lot about my personality if that makes sense

scarpa · 10/10/2021 00:28

[quote Loveshelly]@scarpa
Ha you and yours sound like mine.
Especially the smoking.[/quote]
Awwww yes, your dad sounds a lot like mine especially. Mine has some... questionable stories ha, but at least he's honest about them!

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