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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask how well your parents really know you?

110 replies

KnotKnot · 09/10/2021 16:13

I'd consider that I had a good childhood. Parents were kind and supportive, and (while we didn't have a lot of money looking back) I had everything I needed.

However, I think there is really a lot that they don't know or understand, and we're often not on the same page. They had zero input on my studies or career direction, not aware of many things that have happened in my life, often seem surprised at things I do, etc.

Just curious if my situation unusual.

YABU - Yes, My parents really know me very well
YANBU - No, my parents don't know me well

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/10/2021 18:12

Not at all. Going NC was the best thing I ever did.

Grapewrath · 09/10/2021 18:12

I haven’t seen my mum in 10 years. Whenever I see her she likes to talk about teenager me ( who she had no idea was suffering trauma) and reminisce about how awful I was. She didn’t know me then, doesn’t know me now and never will

flowersmakeitbetter · 09/10/2021 18:19

@RedskyThisNight

My parents spent my childhood trying to mould me into the child they thought I should be. So, they have zero knowledge of who I actually am as a person. They spent a lot of time telling me that I like things I don't or I behave in ways I don't (e.g. that I'm short tempered, when actually I hardly ever lose my temper).
^ this 100%.

It makes me very sad.

I come into contact with lots of ladies the same age as my Mum through a hobby. They all think I am wonderful and I'm fairly certain I would make a popular choice for a daughter. My Mum probably wouldn't believe it if she knew. She just thinks I am difficult and self centred.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 09/10/2021 18:20

My parents don’t have the faintest idea of who the adult “me” is.
I’ve kept a lot of painful secrets from them since my mid-teens, in an effort to save them the pain of knowing. But as a direct result of that, they have no idea of the trauma that shaped me into the adult I am now.
I guess I’m a pretty good actress.

Avarua · 09/10/2021 18:25

Mum knows me but doesn't know everything e.g. the drugs and other shenanigans I got up to in my youth

We also don't share financial ins and outs with my parents.

madisonbridges · 09/10/2021 18:26

My parents might not know everything I've got up to, please god, but they know what I'm like. My mum has dementia and can't remember I don't like tea or ginger, but she still has her finger on how I behave (we don't need to go into that here! 😉 )

SirenSays · 09/10/2021 18:33

My parents know the same as my work colleagues. The easy stuff that doesn't raise eyebrows. I keep a large part of my life private, mostly the fun stuff so I imagine they probably think I'm quite boring and sensible.

madisonbridges · 09/10/2021 18:34

@EmmotionalRescue
There is a gap between parents and children. I also expect there is lots about my parents I don't know either.

This is so true. I know my parents,and they know me. But I only know them as my parents and you forget they're people outside that. I gave my dad a surprise 70th birthday party and all the guests rang me to accept etc. They told me stories about him and for the first time I saw him as a person in his own right. My aunt told me she used to boast he was her cousin because all her friends fancied him. I knew my friends always said he was good looking but I used to think they were mad. It was so funny that that was happening years before.

EishetChayil · 09/10/2021 18:45

My parents have very little idea of the person I actually am. My mother is a textbook narcissist and my father is an enabler.

Kiduknot · 09/10/2021 18:46

Mine know me inside out. We discuss everything under the sun with no holds barred.
Well perhaps not my sex life!

londonrach · 09/10/2021 18:48

Yanbu. I listen to my mum but she never askes what I do or DD. It's all about her. I won't go into it further but I've got peace now with the situation.

JumpLeadsForTwo · 09/10/2021 18:59

@RedskyThisNight

My parents spent my childhood trying to mould me into the child they thought I should be. So, they have zero knowledge of who I actually am as a person. They spent a lot of time telling me that I like things I don't or I behave in ways I don't (e.g. that I'm short tempered, when actually I hardly ever lose my temper).
This sounds very familiar. Only have DM now, but she rarely asks about me/ tends to assume what I like etc. She was very domineering in my childhood. It has taken me till mid 40s to be a stronger "individual" and not be a people pleaser
Alpacinoshoohaa · 09/10/2021 19:01

A bit of both but if you can't relax with your dp, spend time together willingly, it's going to be hard for them to know you.
It's hard to know them sometimes as well.

I was able to relax and socialise around dp.
But dm whilst knew me in some ways was in capable of knowing me in others.
She had blind spots but doesn't everyone.

Alpacinoshoohaa · 09/10/2021 19:03

Dh parents on the other hand won't socialise with him at all, never spent time with him and have a rigid way of doing things.

It's no surprise they still talk to him like a 5 year old and refer back to interests he had as a teen and music etc. It's embarrassing.

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2021 19:05

YANBU - they sorta know bits and peices,in general as an overall but when its down to the details or specifics, those i usually keep to myself, mainly to keep the peace and mainly because trying to explain x,y,z may cause more puzzlement so at times its easier to use cover stories for different things or slightly adjust x situation on what really happened vs what i say happened

CheltenhamLady · 09/10/2021 19:11

It is a hard line to toe when you are the parent of adults.

How 'interested' is too intrusive?

We believe we know our adult children well.

We have a good relationship with all of them, but they are very different people.

We have one who is very private and so we support, but don't want to appear as though we are prying or grilling on any aspect of their life. Could that come across as disinterested? Possibly, but it could not be further from the truth.

We have one who 'overshares' and so we back off in case we appear judgemental!

We have two who occupy the middle ground but are still very different in their take on most matters. So we offer advice only when asked and do not interfere in their lives.

However, for all of them, we offer our unconditional support and love, with the caveat that if they ask for our opinion it will be given honestly, but without judgement.

As for my parents, I loved them both, but my mother was very protective, demanding and controlling. As a result, I think I was often dismissive of legitimate fears and not very patient with her. I adored my father and he would do anything for me and my brother.

Parenting adult children is fraught with difficulty. You can only hope to get some of it right and that tolerance prevails all-round to sustain the family unit.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 09/10/2021 19:13

My dad doesn't know or ask. My mum tries to psychoanalysis me and gets me completely wrong.

reluctantbrit · 09/10/2021 19:13

Yes and no.

My mum didn't understand that I moved abroad with DH without being married, she loves my husband but felt I was making a huge mistake. She actively tried to convince me to break up with him, one months prior to moving.

She also doesn't understand mental health issues so I kept my PND and consequent depression far away from her. I also don't talk about other medical issues as she is just not able to listen and can't see other people's side of the story.

On the other hand, she is the one who always encouraged independent and trying to achieve everything I can educationally. She always opened pathways and encouraged learning and studying. I think lots of my professional achievments are due to her but emotionally it is a very different case.

LoveFall · 09/10/2021 19:15

My parents are no longer with us. But I can say my Dad knew me very well. He was kind of like a confidant and consultant in regard to my work and tough decisions.

He was very hard on me, even as an adult, but I was able to overlook that and take the best from him and ignore the petty annoyances, like criticizing my driving.

I really miss him.

My Mom was much softer. She didn't like conflict and went to her room and cried sometimes if us kids were fighting and bickering. She wanted us perfectly behaved when Dad cane home.

She knew a lot about my "hobbies," which were gardening and cooking. She taught me about both things. But she could not help with work type things or difficult decisions.

I really miss her too. In her last years she had dementia and we used to talk about flowers and gardens.

Treasure yours if they are still here.

CourtAndSpark2 · 09/10/2021 19:38

It's a wonderful thing to have a close relationship with your parents, but it's probably not that common, at least certainly not the default.

Also, growing up in a conservative religious country meant my DM never discussed topics with me like periods, masturbation, boyfriends, etc. These are HUGE and normal things for all teenage girls and it's that start of a gap that can get bigger as you get older.

IARTNS · 09/10/2021 19:45

I have a nice relationship with them and love them to pieces, but they don't know much about me - my mum especially listens but doesn't take in what I tell her; e.g. claims I didn't tell her something when in reality she's forgotten. I don't bother most of the time now.

Dogknowsbest · 09/10/2021 19:55

My mum doesn't really know me anymore. She still sees me as a hopeless, impractical 16 year. She lost interest in me when I married a man she disapproved of.

reluctantbrit · 09/10/2021 20:02

@CourtAndSpark2

It's a wonderful thing to have a close relationship with your parents, but it's probably not that common, at least certainly not the default.

Also, growing up in a conservative religious country meant my DM never discussed topics with me like periods, masturbation, boyfriends, etc. These are HUGE and normal things for all teenage girls and it's that start of a gap that can get bigger as you get older.

I agree, my mum never talked about any topic related to sex or puberty. I had to figure everything out myself with books and magazines.

DD, 14, has a mum who is sometimes a bit too open and I can easily embarrass her once in a while but I try to show her that teenagers are not the know-it-all and she can come to me with questions, regardless what it may be. So far she is ok with telling me and discussing topics as long as DH is not in hearing distance.

ouchmyfeet · 09/10/2021 20:13

My mum died a long time ago but at that point I think she probably knew me better than I knew myself. I was only 19 though, who knows what the situation would be now. I don't think my dad knows me half as well as she did

JudgeJ · 09/10/2021 20:15

@Fairyliz

I will ask you a question. How well do you really know your parents?

Have you ever asked them about their childhoods, their hopes and dreams, their fears and worries?

I have an adult dd who would say I don't know her.. However I don't think she has the first clue about me and shows absolutely no interest in who I am. The other day I mentioned I was off to my hobby and she was surprised to know I was going. I've been doing this for about five years!

My other daughter in contrast actively seeks out my company. She tells me what she is doing, answers my questions (even when she knows I won't like the answer) and asks me all about my life.

So to be honest I think it is more of personality thing than anything else.

I think this is very true, especially for parents whose children are now in their forties. When I was growing up, fifties, sixties people didn't have soul searching conversations and 'share' all their innermost feelings, it just wasn't usually how things happened. I look at the relationship between my children and grandchildren and sometimes feel envious that I didn't have that with my mother, I was probably closer to my father, I've always said I was brought up in the garage rather than the kitchen!