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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask how well your parents really know you?

110 replies

KnotKnot · 09/10/2021 16:13

I'd consider that I had a good childhood. Parents were kind and supportive, and (while we didn't have a lot of money looking back) I had everything I needed.

However, I think there is really a lot that they don't know or understand, and we're often not on the same page. They had zero input on my studies or career direction, not aware of many things that have happened in my life, often seem surprised at things I do, etc.

Just curious if my situation unusual.

YABU - Yes, My parents really know me very well
YANBU - No, my parents don't know me well

OP posts:
PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 09/10/2021 17:24

My relationship with my mother can be perfectly summed up in the fact that she bought me a box of Black Magic (dark) chocolates every Christmas for over 20 years, and never noticed/realised/knew that I hate dark chocolate...

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/10/2021 17:26

DP's family, including his parents, are lovely.

They are kind, friendly, warm and loving - but they haven't a clue about what makes him tick. They also don't believe in modern medicine, mental illnesses or neurodiversity. Or trying for something better - stick to what you know, don't take any risks, don't do anything that might be a bit difficult. And don't ever give somebody a metaphorical kick up the arse as nobody should ever, ever step outside their comfort zone.

No wonder he struggled. He'd been taught nothing about resilience, of keeping on going, getting back up when you're knocked down, of reasonably assessing risks and doing something other than going to bed and hoping it fixes itself whilst you're sleeping. Of seeing something you don't like and making changes because action is better than paralysis or running away. So none of his achievements mean anything to them in the sense that they have no idea just what it has taken for him to get them; they just think they were easy.

He loves them, but he can't talk to them. Not to his mother, because her answer to everything is 'oh, I wouldn't know anything about that. Did you see what they're up to in...[soap opera]?', not to his father because he just is right about magic and everything else in the world just Because He Is and there's no discussion about anything he has decided is the truth. Even the things he shares with his Dad like a love of performing are different fundamentally - his Dad had no interest in the meaning or significance of anything he did, it was the applause and recognition that mattered, whereas everything DP does is because it means something to him and the performing is just part of making it real.

It's sad because they are such nice people, but fundamentally, they're strangers he has nothing in common with other than they brought him into the world and left him poorly equipped to cope with it.

number87inthequeue · 09/10/2021 17:28

@2lsinllama

If you asked my mum she would say she knows everything about me. She would be wrong.
Mine is the same.

As a child, I always wanted to please my parents and hid from them anything I thought would disappoint them. So they think I made friends easily, loved school and found it easy to move around the country every few years. In reality, although I occasionally had one or 2 friends I was often picked on and was frequently miserable.

As an adult, I feel I have protected them from anything in my life that would upset them. So I will ask for help with minor things but have never confided in them if there is a real problem.

I suspect a lot of this is down to me though, not an issue with them. My siblings were often in a lot of trouble and expected our parents to bail them out so I think I felt the need to compensate by not giving them any more worries.

Walesrecommendations · 09/10/2021 17:29

My mum definitely knows me, we're very close although she drives me mad at times but I tell her everything. My DPs parents are more like yours, I'm quite surprised by how little they know about his life and the troubles he's had, but they never ask him anything in depth, it isn't that kind of relationship. They're pretty self absorbed.

martingrowler · 09/10/2021 17:29

@2lsinllama

If you asked my mum she would say she knows everything about me. She would be wrong.
This!!!
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 09/10/2021 17:31

I'm not sure anyone really knows any other adult they don't live with and don't spend hours every week talking to.

Its compounded by the fact parents and children have so much baggage and expectations and hopes and fears around one another.

Parents who say they really know their adult children inside out (and vice versa) undoubtedly believe that but I'd guess its actually just a lack of real self awareness. Its the relationship in which seeing what you want to see is the most prevalent.

Most parents have put their DC in a category/ box (the sensible one, the clever one, the fragile one, the sociable one, the pretty one, the creative one, the wild one, the unreliable one, or whatever) by 18 or 19 and never really see beyond that.

Rainbowheart1 · 09/10/2021 17:34

I think you know them when they are children, but when they are adults you don’t because well they have their own lives and to know everything would be weird….and uncomfortable!

ChunkyMonkey17 · 09/10/2021 17:38

I wish they knew me better because I want to be closer to them. I don’t follow the same religion as them so therefore they are disinterested in who I actually am.

HelloILoveYou · 09/10/2021 17:39

I'd think my parents knew me very well when I was living at home, and probably did until my late teens. Looking back, I had great parents. But while I'd have considered myself very close to them, there was that generational gap in perspective. Add to that living a few hours away too.

LeanToGreen · 09/10/2021 17:41

They don’t know me at all. I haven’t spoke to them for years but even when we were in contact they had no clue about my life.

furbabymama87 · 09/10/2021 17:45

My mum has an idea in her head that she knows everything about me but she doesn't. She only knows me on a surface level, not a deeper level. We are close in a way and I talk to her a lot, but I hold the more important things back. She was emotionally abusive/ distant/ aggressive when I was a child and even today she's very controlling. I feel I have to hide my true self and play up to her idea of me. If I could go NC I would. I'm in a bad mood almost every time I've seen her.

JustFrustrated · 09/10/2021 17:47

My dad doesn't know me at all, in fact we've not spoken in 8 years.

My DM would say she knows me well and is very supportive of me.

She doesn't and isn't. For Christmas she bought me Thornton's Chocolate Liqueur once, when I'd been tee-total for 3 years and detest Thornton's.

To reply to a PP who asked how much we know about our parents, I know everything about her and support her through every calamity...which is why she feels it's a mutual relationship..it's not.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 09/10/2021 17:49

My df has no idea how many dc I have.
My dm has no idea I blame her for being a terrible role model where men are concerned..

LeanToGreen · 09/10/2021 17:49

Very good post. I think a lot of adult children expect a lot from their parents but know little about their parents in return, and really have no interest either.

In my experience you reap what you sow.

Frostine · 09/10/2021 17:51

Tbh I don't think your parents ' know ' you all that much . Ok you get to around 13 and they know you because they are largely responsible for you and basically run your life .
Once you get to 13/14 ish you begin to step a little away from them and have your own ideas on what you want to do . You also begin to lie to give yourself more freedom, i.e going to a friends house really means you are going with your friend somewhere to check out the boys down the park / or going somewhere you know your parents would not allow.

sofakingcool · 09/10/2021 17:53

My parents would say they know me well, but I'm not sure they really do, or they choose to know certain things - if that makes sense

We speak regularly - I call them once a week but we WhatsApp most days. I'm quite a private person, and I've found the older I get, the less tolerant of them I am, and the harder they try to cling onto me. Sad really as if they let go a bit, they'd probably would get to know the adult me, but because they've chosen to try to baby me I'm now very guarded

Ragwort · 09/10/2021 17:56

I agree with FairyLiz - how well do we know our parents? And how well do we know our own children? There are quite a few things my DM doesn't know about me, and I don't know everything about her life, aspirations, dreams, regrets etc. I don't think it's essential to know every detail about your loved ones lives ... my DS is an adult now, I certainly don't know, or even want to know, everything about him.

I can be honest enough to admit that there are some aspects of my DM's personality that I am not keen on so I must assume she thinks the same about me ... but we respect each other's differences.

People are their 'own' people IYSWIM.

notacooldad · 09/10/2021 17:59

I could right your post OP!
I ha e had quite low mood recently and talked to my mum about it. She said she was surprised because I was always ........... and reeled off a lot of stuff that was clearly not like me at all.
I felt like saying ' do you know which one if your children you are having a conversation with at the moment because it doesnt sound like you are talking to your eldest!'
She did the same when I was trying to tell her how my son is struggling at the moment with something and om trying to support him.
Mind you, in mum's world mental health issues don' t exist and people never change from when they are 11!

notacooldad · 09/10/2021 18:00

right
☹
Doh!
Write

KnightKnurse · 09/10/2021 18:01

I think when you're not living in the same place/location there will be a lot of unknowns. Everyone has their own interests, lives, concerns.

After DF passed, after a few years my DM moved to city to be closer to us. I think in that she learned a lot more about me and my life. I was also shocked to find she was a same sex relationship. She opened up a lot more with me, and I learned all kinds of things I really didn't want or need to know!! But I look back at that time fondly.

Thadhiya · 09/10/2021 18:01

Hardly know me at all. They think my interests and hobbies are 'weird' and stopped being remotely interested in my life when I left home as a teen. I see them occasionally. They criticise a few things then leave. They wouldn't know if I was the prime minister or the most famous singer in Britain.

SilverOtter · 09/10/2021 18:05

Not very well sadly. My mum knows me reasonably well. She tries really hard, but I do keep a lot inside, it's just how I am.

My dad on the other hand is too self-interested to know anyone else really well. I thought I knew him up; he was my hero growing up and that got slowly eroded as I realised how selfish and mercenary he is.

SammyScrounge · 09/10/2021 18:06

And how well do you all think you know your parents? How much is hidden from you; how much conforms to what you expect of them?

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 18:08

My relationship with my dad gets better and better the older we get (it's always been good but I wouldn't say he knew much about me previously) and we share a lot more now.

My mom knows nothing about me. She couldn't tell you anything about me other than my name and DOB. I only went NC very recently.

Stepinside · 09/10/2021 18:10

One more thought is that there are certain things I personally won't ever share with other people. These can be important things in my life, but they are mine to deal with.

I'm also inclined to share mostly good news such as a promotion, new car, holiday plans, DD doing well at school. I'd never share that I'm in waiting for hospital scan, that I'm still struggling after being sexually assaulted and so on.