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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 09/10/2021 13:32

I think you were petty not getting a gift.

Also, from how you worded it they wanted to gift you £1000 towards something for your house. Did you actually say please could you get X item/s then. They have probably been sat waiting to find out what they were supposed to buy you.

To be sounds like a breakdown in communication that you all need to apologise to each other for

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/10/2021 13:35

@Henryhoover12

I appreciate all the different advice has given me different perspectives. We’ve obviously all got different ideas about what a “gift” means and how forthcoming you should be about asking for money.

It’s hard to explain but I think you can just tell when someone is dangling a carrot infront of you to make themselves look good but never actually go ahead with it. I think this is the case, and is quite clear since it’s been 2 years.

I think you’re all correct that by not giving anything at the wedding wasn’t the right option. I think what I’m going to do is the next time I see them say that I didn’t leave a gift because I wanted to have a private conversation with them alone about my gift and to say that whilst the £1k gift was very generous we would like to regift that back to them as they start their life together and will need it more then us. Atleast then like everyone says I can also say I gave £1k gift.

I think this is the best course of action for you. They're obviously bullshitting so this way they will have come unstuck. It's a pity you didn't ask for MN's advice before not giving them a present Grin
londonrach · 09/10/2021 13:40

Yabu re the gift and petty...just buy them a gift...around £20

Peach01 · 09/10/2021 13:41

I'd draw a line under expecting them to do what they said they will. They shouldn't have offered that and then gave you nothing.
I would still give them a small gift for their wedding, nothing extravagant.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 09/10/2021 13:43

I would just say that you as you still haven’t received your gift from them that you assumed you weren’t doing gifts anymore. Please don’t give into them. If other family members are too stupid to see it for what it is then I would just ignore it. Some people have a nerve

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 09/10/2021 13:44

@londonrach

Yabu re the gift and petty...just buy them a gift...around £20
Why should they though? It’s like they are being pressured into it by their family. That’s petty
HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 13:49

Since the OP has never directly asked for something, we don't know if the relative is a bullshitter or not. OP has spent 2 years talking and hinting about buying things, but has never been direct.

There is nothing begging about someone offering to buy you something and you telling them directly what the something is.

Did you have a wedding list OP or did you leave it up to everyone to guess?

If you ask them for something specifically as the gift and they ignore it, then yes they are crazy fuckers. Until then we don't know, we can only guess and go by your own obfuscation on the matter.

HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 13:51

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

I would just say that you as you still haven’t received your gift from them that you assumed you weren’t doing gifts anymore. Please don’t give into them. If other family members are too stupid to see it for what it is then I would just ignore it. Some people have a nerve
But the OP has never actually gone to them and asked them to buy a specific item. How can she receive something when she's never told them directly what it is she wants?
CharityDingle · 09/10/2021 13:52

Tbh, I can't understand why you have let this run on for so long. The very first time they said 'I would have bought you that', I would have asked, would you really!
And I would be making it known that you kindly gave them back the exact same present that they gave you. How could anyone find fault with that ! Wink

nomoneytreehere · 09/10/2021 13:53

I’m guessing this is your higher earning brother. How toxic the whole thing is. Why on earth didn’t you send a link to eg the oven in a message titled our wedding present? Is your relationship really so poor that you have to tiptoe around each other hinting?

You have behaved really poorly too, you don’t give to receive or vice versa but it is really unkind to get nothing.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 09/10/2021 14:00

Just say you were going to gift you 1k so why don’t we both keep our own money and call it quits.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/10/2021 14:09

It would make me incredibly uncomfortable to go to someone and tell them what to buy me. I wouldn’t have done it either.
If someone wants to give you money to help, they should just give the money. Trying to maintain control over the money by forcing the recipient to come cap in hand, showing the the item and getting their approval, comes across as a bit domineering.
Horrible dynamic.

PleasantFucker · 09/10/2021 14:10

Good idea about 'gifting' them the hypothetical £1000 back.
I haven't read all 9 pages only your replies but yanbu about not giving them money for their wedding either. I'd have done it too, petty or not.

Gemma2019 · 09/10/2021 14:11

They are the ones in the wrong here. I hate people who publicly promise stuff like help with kids, money or gifts and then expect you go cap in hand for it, knowing full well you won't.

I have given a large amount of money to very close relatives as a wedding present. I wrote a cheque, put it inside the wedding card and handed it over. I received a thank you message shortly afterwards telling me what they had bought with the money. If someone wants you to have something they will hand it to you and not expect you to ask, while pretending to others that they are Lord Bountiful.

Not buying them a wedding present was definitely a mistake and your idea of speaking to them and calling it quits with wedding gifts is a good one.

Choccyaddict4eva · 09/10/2021 14:15

If someone says they’re going to give you a gift then why should you ask for it?! It’s ridiculous. Good on you for not getting them anything. It’s almost as if they wanted you to ‘beg’ for the money.

seaandsandcastles · 09/10/2021 14:16

Yep, YABU. You should have asked, not hinted and expected them to understand.

It’s as simple as this:
“Hey X, we would like to buy this oven with the money you gifted us. Please can you send it over?”

You’re complaining about an issue you won’t solve.

Andylion · 09/10/2021 14:20

They have probably been sat waiting to find out what they were supposed to buy you.

A few posters have suggested that this i what was going on, but the says "They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it”

They are being dicks. OP, do they comment on how generous they are in front of others? I would be tempted to call them on it. "Ah yes, the mythical £1000 gift" and roll my eyes.

1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 14:21

I would maybe get them a small gift, and stop thinking about how they dealt with you for your wedding, I hate any tit for tat stuff. Other people should just butt out with their opinions, nothing worse than other people, and their stupid opinions. I would just forget the loss of what your were supposed to be receiving, it's in the past now.

The people who were going to gift you, may well feel bad about their broken promises now, who knows. too late in the day to bother now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2021 14:28

@Henryhoover12

I’m confused why people think hinting wasn’t enough for them to realise that I wanted them to pay for it using the gift they promised. Considering no gathering goes by without them mentioning the gift then it’s very much at the forefront of their mind !
I don’t understand why you didn’t ever call this person out. ‘Well it was a nice offer, but we don’t have anything as of yet” then escalate etc.
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 14:39

@nomoneytreehere **“You have behaved really poorly too, you don’t give to receive or vice versa but it is really unkind to get nothing”

But surely it’s unkind I got nothing, because I did get nothing?

If I went around telling everyone I was to gift them a yacht they just need to tell me which one but never deliver on the yacht then it’s quite clear I never intended to. How frustrating it must be for them aswell when I tell everyone all the time I have got them a yacht when in fact I’ve got them nothing

OP posts:
HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 14:39

@Choccyaddict4eva

If someone says they’re going to give you a gift then why should you ask for it?! It’s ridiculous. Good on you for not getting them anything. It’s almost as if they wanted you to ‘beg’ for the money.
Because the gift was something the OP had to stipulate!
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 14:39

A promise of a gift is surely not a gift if it’s never gifted in this lifetime 🤣

OP posts:
lonelyapple · 09/10/2021 14:40

Why don't you just retort back that you have offered to give them a gift but they have never taken you up on the offer. And if they do ask you directly just ask them directly for your gift. Just play them at the same game.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 14:41

@HarrisonStickle which I did multiple times, I made clear what I want but never made clear they need to pass their bank card over because I find that very rude.

Matter of fact is that I made clear what I want but I don’t ask people for money which that person knows and relies on so as to not pay the gift that was promised. It’s all great you saying well I would of just demanded the money, I’m not like that. Whether wrongly or rightly that is who I am and that is who the person knows me to be. So why then when you know I will never ask for money not offer to pay? Unless they never actually intended to pay for it

OP posts:
PetticoatSoldier · 09/10/2021 14:42

YANBU. On what planet do you have to ASK for a gift?** Absolute no sense. You have not been given a wedding gift and until the money/item is in your hand all this person is doing is grandstanding bullshit.

Totally agree you should do what @coconutpie said and set the family straight:

"No, X never gave us a present. They have talked about this present for 2 years and told everybody about it but they haven't given it to us. They have fooled you all. We have assumed that we will never receive the gift and have decided that it's better to just draw a line in the sand and not give them a wedding present either."