Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

[Henryhoover12]

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

[quote Henryhoover12]**@nomoneytreehere* *“You have behaved really poorly too, you don’t give to receive or vice versa but it is really unkind to get nothing”

But surely it’s unkind I got nothing, because I did get nothing?

If I went around telling everyone I was to gift them a yacht they just need to tell me which one but never deliver on the yacht then it’s quite clear I never intended to. How frustrating it must be for them aswell when I tell everyone all the time I have got them a yacht when in fact I’ve got them nothing[/quote]
Using this analogy OP, you have never said to them, "This is the yacht I'd like you to get." You've just looked at yachts in their company, mentioned yachts you're going to buy.

Anyone can say they will gift something and not do it.

I’ll gift you my 5k car Op, I’m getting married next week, dm me for my address as I expect a present back as I’m giving you a car (that you will never see)

You don’t ask for a gift either, they gift the gift, you was never gonna get it

You don’t ask for gifts.
Only megalomaniacs would expect someone to come to them and ask for the gift they had been promised.

@HarrisonStickle using this analogy you can see that I in the company of that person looked at the goods that they had told me they wanted me to get with this money. I had selected which one I wanted went to pay and looked at them in which they just stared blankly. I payed for it myself and when it arrived they said “oh I was meant to get you a fridge/oven I would of got that for you”. There was nothing to stop them from getting that for me apart from them reaching their hand in their pocket to get their money, which is literally the only issue here that they don’t or never intended on actually paying for the item.

It’s a bit like someone saying “let me know what you’d like for your birthday” and then you in group situations talking about things your thinking of buying then being annoyed that they don’t get it for you. Except this comes with a high price caveat so they cant just buy you anything and hope you like it.

We can’t judge if they were bullshitting or not as that was never really tested. Regardless, you offered nothing and gave nothing. Low road taken. And you say you think you should of but now are still arguing that you were justified because they gave you nothing. This shows that despite your attempts to be rational, you are still holding in to the bad feeling and think tit for tat was justified.

If he was going get that for you why didn’t he give you the money afterwards so he did buy it for you, instead of saying “oh well you’ve got it now”

He obviously was never gonna give it to you, or would have paid for it

@MiddleClassProblem it is a hill im willing to die on that a gift is not something that has to be begged for cap in hand.

You say 'we gave them £1000 - how is that not a generous gift?'.

@Rainbowheart1 exactly!! The stipulation was it would be something for the house. Well this scenario happened multiple times, at one point when you run out of things to buy for the house does the person gifting to oh well let me chuck it on a gift card for you to spend how you wish.

[quote Henryhoover12]@HarrisonStickle using this analogy you can see that I in the company of that person looked at the goods that they had told me they wanted me to get with this money. I had selected which one I wanted went to pay and looked at them in which they just stared blankly. I payed for it myself and when it arrived they said “oh I was meant to get you a fridge/oven I would of got that for you”. There was nothing to stop them from getting that for me apart from them reaching their hand in their pocket to get their money, which is literally the only issue here that they don’t or never intended on actually paying for the item.[/quote]
You’re changing the narrative now from you mentioning multiple things to you physically shopping online during a group situation.

With no warning that today might be the day they have to pay for something. Even if they have the money it might be in a different account. You find it crass to ask them if you could accept their offer on a particular item yet you are happy to shop in front of everyone and expect them to handover their card? Don’t say you didn’t expect it because this is the only scenario where you have presented an opportunity to pay for something plus say they could have handed over their card.

This is so loco 🤣

[quote Henryhoover12]@HarrisonStickle which I did multiple times, I made clear what I want but never made clear they need to pass their bank card over because I find that very rude.

Matter of fact is that I made clear what I want but I don’t ask people for money which that person knows and relies on so as to not pay the gift that was promised. It’s all great you saying well I would of just demanded the money, I’m not like that. Whether wrongly or rightly that is who I am and that is who the person knows me to be. So why then when you know I will never ask for money not offer to pay? Unless they never actually intended to pay for it[/quote]
I did not say I expected them to hand over their card, nor did I say you should have demanded the money.

What I said was that it's not enough to hint at things or mention things in their company.

There's a big difference between hints and saying to someone "Thank you very much for your offer to buy a gift, this is the item I'd like, shall I email the details to you?" There's also a big difference between doing that and asking for someone's card or for the money itself.

You seem to think it's either ineffective hints or rude demands for their card/cash.

[quote Henryhoover12]@MiddleClassProblem it is a hill im willing to die on that a gift is not something that has to be begged for cap in hand.[/quote]
Yup and no one is asking you to beg or demand or whatever other extreme terminology you wish to use. They just want you to let them know.

@Rainbowheart1

If he was going get that for you why didn’t he give you the money afterwards so he did buy it for you, instead of saying “oh well you’ve got it now”

He obviously was never gonna give it to you, or would have paid for it

Absolutely

@MiddleClassProblem maybe your struggling to read the whole thread and love to jump to conclusions. I have repeatedly said it’s a close member of family so us sitting together on our computers online shopping isn’t out of the ordinary 🤣 your the one saying I should demand they pay for it there and then but I’ve said I never have demanded for them paying explicitly because what if there financial situation has changed (which after an expensive wedding could be the case) Whilst it potentially has changed and they no longer intend of gifting the gift then they should stop bragging about it still surely ?

Gosh would hate to have Christmas in your family, everyone down on their knees begging for gifts that’s have been offered to them or demanding they get their online banking up.

@MiddleClassProblem @HarrisonStickle but this member of family knows that I find it rude and/or would never ask for money from them or anyone. So perhaps them suggesting a gift like this in which I would have to claim it by doing the one thing I would never do (to ask for money) was to ensure this gift would never be claimed. So this is there way of looking great to the family whilst never being out of pocket.

There’s little point replying to this thread because OP is stamping her feet and won’t admit she should have just grown some balls and asked 🙄

You don’t ask for gifts

[quote Henryhoover12]@HarrisonStickle using this analogy you can see that I in the company of that person looked at the goods that they had told me they wanted me to get with this money. I had selected which one I wanted went to pay and looked at them in which they just stared blankly. I payed for it myself and when it arrived they said “oh I was meant to get you a fridge/oven I would of got that for you”. There was nothing to stop them from getting that for me apart from them reaching their hand in their pocket to get their money, which is literally the only issue here that they don’t or never intended on actually paying for the item.[/quote]
Whoa! That is so rude OP! Ordering something in front of someone then expecting them there and then to get their card out and pay for it!

I'd have decided there and then you were getting nothing.

"Apart from them reaching their hand in their pocket to get their money." 😲

Maybe they wanted to privately buy the thing and have it delivered to you, not be used as a cash machine.

@HarrisonStickle your cracking me up, so they very publicly all the time can mention the generous gift they’ve given me but when it comes to paying for it has to be private lmao 🤣🤣

[quote Henryhoover12]**@MiddleClassProblem* @HarrisonStickle* but this member of family knows that I find it rude and/or would never ask for money from them or anyone. So perhaps them suggesting a gift like this in which I would have to claim it by doing the one thing I would never do (to ask for money) was to ensure this gift would never be claimed. So this is there way of looking great to the family whilst never being out of pocket.[/quote]
You wouldn't be asking for money! You'd be sending them details of the specific thing you wanted and thanking them for their offer to buy it for you as a wedding gift.

@seaandsandcastles perhaps you’ve failed to read the 10 other pages whereby people were very helpful and realise a gift is not something that needs to be asked for. I’m not stomping my feet at all, I’ve been very open and agreed that not gifting them anything was wrong and upon the advice of the majority have decided to gift them an imaginary £1000. .

@HarrisonStickle

Whhaattttt??? So not only does she have to ASK for her own gift, she has to navigate when it might be convenient to bring it up, without inconveniencing the gifter.
Just give the gift (in cheque or cash or voucher form) or don’t! You can’t expect people to do a little performance for you to receive their own gift.

So when they next bring it up like the always do according to your posts, why don't you say oh yes! That reminds me we would like x please.

Merely Hinting at something is a bit silly.

[quote Henryhoover12]@HarrisonStickle your cracking me up, so they very publicly all the time can mention the generous gift they’ve given me but when it comes to paying for it has to be private lmao 🤣🤣[/quote]
You're the one who, two years on, has not solved this issue OP.

😆