Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

[Henryhoover12]

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

They had no intention of giving you that money.
They only said it for show.

Well done for not getting them anything.

You need to remember, @Henryhoover12, that on AIBU you'll be deemed unreasonable no matter what you do ... so if you'd researched a particular item in front of them (which actually you did) that would somehow be wrong too

'Twas ever thus ...

@Henryhoover12

No matter what you do or don't do now, the damage is done now isn't it?

How rude of them to say they gave you £1000 though when they gave you fuck all. I would give them nothing, and wouldn't go to the wedding tbh. I couldn't be arsed, if my (extended) family were behaving the way yours are...

henryhoover12

I have never sat and waited for money in a envelope. I have indicated multiple times that I’m looking to buy x fridge or y oven and they have sat there in silence. I can’t go and open their wallet and grab their bank card now can I.

I also disagree that they are equally as embarrassed by this gift fiasco since they won’t stop blabbing on about it in every family gathering! So i imagine they very much love the attention it’s bringing them.

Yep, they really don't wanna give you anything, and they never have wanted to. If they intended to give you £1000, they would have (and should have) given you the money. The cash money. Via bank transfer or cheque.

They are showy, and ostentatious. I have met a few people like this. One example is ... an ex colleague in the 1990s, who told me and DH to buy our new windows, and he would fit them for us for free, (as he used to work for a window company.) And then he never came to do it and made every excuse under the sun every time we asked him when he was coming... We even eventually offered to PAY him to do it. Still no luck. He was always 'too busy.' After 4 or 5 months we realised he was never coming to our house to do it.. So we had to get a bloody window company to come fit them anyway.

Then a woman just 5 or 6 months ago, promised to bring me a cutting off a particular plant for the garden, (that she has,) as I had been looking for them everywhere in the shops. She has still not brought it, even though I have asked 5 or 6 times and (again) even offered to pay for it. I gave up on her - and the plant - about a month ago.

Some people offer to do stuff/give stuff, to be be the big 'I am' and to look generous and good and kind in front of others, and to puff their chest out with the glory of being soooo generous and helpful... But when push comes to shove, they can't be arsed to come good on their offer...

I don't know whether they genuinely intend to help/give when they offer, and then for some reason cannot, OR if they never intended it all along, and just wanted the attention.

I think it's a mix of both...

You asked this:

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

Plenty of people have said yes to both these, granted plenty haven’t. But if there are a large amount of people saying yes, is it not worth considering that POV rather than arguing it away as you seemed to come here looking for perspective?

I Dont think your are being petty. Your relative is a braggart and insincere. There’s many ways to give that sort of gift , including John Lewis or Amazon gift cards- it seems they wanted to appear generous but are actually not. Appalling!
I think you should do the same, tell everyone you are giving them a 1k gift and never deliver 😂

I would up front ask for the gift...then give them £500 back.

Sorted...CF's

Your behaviour around gifts is utterly bizarre, OP, and each additional post you make to try and explain yourself just reiterates the point.

Not giving them a wedding gift; not asking direct about the thing you'd like them to purchase; weird hints with getting things up on the computer for them to look at - jeez.
Straightforward behaviour here would have been to ask for the gift, establish if it's going to be forthcoming or not, and give them a wedding gift you can afford, regardless of their £1k. But instead you've spent two years "trying to explain" and facilitating what you refer to as a "war."

Your allegedly generous relative might be being odd here, but you're driving this just as much as they are. Can you not just have an adult conversation and then put it to bed?

@Henryhoover12

Personally it felt like it was a gift they had no intention of gifting! That’s why we never pushed for it.

For those saying why not give them £20 voucher. We would be the same issue as it wouldn’t compare to the £1000 gift they’ve “given us”. So we would of still gotten this grief. The only way to avoid it would of been gifting £1000 for a £1000 gift we have never received!

I like the idea someone else posted. We’d like to gift you something for £1000. Given we’ve not yet asked you to buy us our gift, to save any faff just put that £1000 of our gift as your gift. That way you don’t have to spend anything. You give £1000 . You can boast of your generosity, he can still boast of his. Yet neither of you have spent anything on each other Win win

[quote Henryhoover12]@Ijustreallywantacat have you actually read any of my replies. I have never sat and waited for money in a envelope. I have indicated multiple times that I’m looking to buy x fridge or y oven and they have sat there in silence. I can’t go and open their wallet and grab their bank card now can I.

I also disagree that they are equally as embarrassed by this gift fiasco since they won’t stop blabing on about it in every family gathering! So i imagine they very much love the attention it’s bringing them[/quote]
You have indicated that you're buying a fridge or oven.

You have never said, "We need a new oven, it would be great if this was your present to us as we'll be using it every day and thinking of your generosity. Can I email you the details for you to order it?"

If you've just said you're buying a new oven, I'd look at you blankly too, and be wondering why you're telling me. I might even be thinking you wanted this as your gift, but then you never say you do so obviously not.

Im guessing this is a sibling?
Whenever it comes up in conversation I would just say (on repeat)
We did give them a gift. We gave then an imaginary £1000 the same as they gave us!
I would also be having a conversation with the newly weds about them mouthing off about the lack of a present from you.

@BorderlineHappy

They had no intention of giving you that money. They only said it for show.

Well done for not getting them anything.

I agree!

I think they are gaslighting everyone about the gift.

You need to put you'll be getting then a very generous gift when your finances allow. That they are in your minds and you can't wait to be able to treat them to something really special. I'd attach this to a bottle of champagne.

Then you've gifted. And promised. When they remind you you've promised, you can also remind them you are also waiting for their gift!

This will appease the family and you'll look generous, which appears to be the issue. Not the giving, the looking generous in the eyes of the extended family.

Play their own game! They won't be pleased but there's not a lot they can say.

I’d have just wrote in a card that your gift is a £1000 and as you’ve never received their wedding present to just not bother giving it to you now.

[quote Henryhoover12]@saraclara the person offering it to me hasn’t “reminded” me they have boasted and bragged to make themselves look better. I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”. So why not ? Why when you saw me checking out not go oh I’ll pay for it for you. My family member knows I’m not someone to ask for financial help, even they joke about it.

If you have waited 18 months do you not maybe think they are mortified about claiming that gift. Why not just say look guys I know you might be a bit embarrassed so I’ve put the money on a gift card for you to spend at your conceive. It’s a nice thought but in practical terms they will never be in the shop and call you to come pay for it will they.[/quote]
When you pulled it up and checked out, did you say "This is what we'd like as your gift to us, can you get it for us?"

If I'd offered to buy something for someone and they never directly asked me for anything, instead they looked at items in front of me but never mentioned my offer whilst they were doing so, I'd not respond either.

As for saying afterwards they would have got it for you, they might mean they would have got it had you actully asked.

Yes, they may well be crazy fuckers, but you're being ridiculous yourself by never being direct.

Some of you on hear need to look up the meaning of the word gift. It’s something that is given willingly. Thats certainly not the case here, the very definition of it means you should definitely not have to beg.

I’m the same as you OP I would never ever beg for something that has been offered to me and like you would have just written it off and not reciprocated with a gift.

Is the close relative a parent? If not what do you or your husbands parents thing about this?

@Werehamster

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.

I like that very much! Please do that OP!

I'd have a frank conversation with them about gifting you the money for the oven (or fridge). Be very specific. If necessary, tell them that it is causing you embarrassment when they talk about it, but don't then do what they promised.

If that doesn't work, I got a fake $1million note from Las Vegas a few years ago. Why not put something similar in a nice card for them?

I'd put them in the same category as people who say "let me know if there's anything I can do to help"

We all know the people that mean it and those that don't - the latter say it for the kudos. The former usually get on with helping and don't make a song and dance about it.

It’s interesting that you say it would be the same issue of you gave £20, which suggests you knew how not giving anything would play out.

I appreciate all the different advice has given me different perspectives. We’ve obviously all got different ideas about what a “gift” means and how forthcoming you should be about asking for money.

It’s hard to explain but I think you can just tell when someone is dangling a carrot infront of you to make themselves look good but never actually go ahead with it. I think this is the case, and is quite clear since it’s been 2 years.

I think you’re all correct that by not giving anything at the wedding wasn’t the right option. I think what I’m going to do is the next time I see them say that I didn’t leave a gift because I wanted to have a private conversation with them alone about my gift and to say that whilst the £1k gift was very generous we would like to regift that back to them as they start their life together and will need it more then us. Atleast then like everyone says I can also say I gave £1k gift.

You should have said you were buying them something amazing worth around a thousand bucks.....

And then never giving it.

@MrMrsJones

I would up front ask for the gift...then give them £500 back.

Sorted...CF's

Doing this would mean the relative is out $500 (they started with $1000 but gave it to OP and only got $500 back in your example) and the OP is up $500 (OP outlayed nothing and gained $500 in your example) so it wouldn't quite work like that.

** Yep, they really don't wanna give you anything, and they never have wanted to. If they intended to give you £1000, they would have (and should have) given you the money. The cash money. Via bank transfer or cheque.

They are showy, and ostentatious.**

^This.

@NotSorry I agree. I thought there’s just things understood in society that’s how it’s done. For example when someone says “how are you” when passing by you just say “fine thanks how are you” never actually list every single issue in your life.

Another one who thinks there was no way you were getting anything worth £1000.. all for show.
Good plan OP, regift their gift of £0.00! Love it