Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

[Henryhoover12]

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

The key to me is that you've mentioned several things you need for the house, that this way of handling it's normal for your family and that they've still ignored it - so I agree it seems they want the kudos without the expense

I also agree that you don't give to receive, but the constant bragging would annoy me; therefore I'd go with the suggestion of "Keep the £1000 and treat yourselves with it instead"

It's really cheeky of them to offer a gift and not actually follow through. It's especially cheekyof them to boast about it!

But what I don't quite understand when relatives are giving you grief about your lack of present why you wouldn't just correct them and say actually we never got anything for our wedding.

Has the relative who promised the money actually said anything about your lack of gift?

FFS, it's not 'begging' to let them know what it is you've decided on.

I'm in the opposite position. I've offered to buy an expensive item that one of my family members desperately needs. I can't just buy it because there are an infinite number of makes and models and I don't know which is going to suit her needs. I've mentioned it often, but after 18 months she still hasn't told me which one she wants. When I offered, she was dleighted and very thankful, but now it's all gone quiet.

I'm actually getting quite pissed off about it. It was a very generous offer on my part, and in their financial and life situation (which I was in several decades ago) I'd have been absolutely thrilled and relieved to have had this help. But I'm left with the feeling that she's just not that bothered, and it hurts a bit.

The person who offered it in your case, has also reminded you, but the best you can do is hint? The least you could have done is make it easy for them by saying "we saw the (item) we want the other day, and it fits in to your price range. Is it okay if you/we order it?"

Talking about multiple things also in a group situation is not the same as saying “we’re looking to get this oven, would that be ok as a gift from you?” directly to the offerer.

Exactly.

It sounds so petty. You wanted to make a point by not getting them a gift and you did, it just hasn’t gone the way you wanted.

The obvious thing to do is to send a card saying that you realise that with all the expense of a wedding etc that it may be difficult for them to make good your wedding gift and therefore toy acre regifting their very generous gift so they can spend the money how THEY wish.
Then you can tell your family that your gift was worth £1000.
Anyway, I don’t get this comparing value of gifts bought — surely it’s up to the giver to decide what they can afford without any element of shaming

I agree with you OP, I think you did the right thing to be fair. Stand your ground and I'm sure it will blow over, tell your relative to use the £1000 they were going to spend on you to buy themselves something.

When we were getting married, my BIL who was best man bought us a candle. He obviously thinks that makes a good wedding present so I bought one for him on his wedding. Exact same supermarket brand but different scent

@saraclara

Talking about multiple things also in a group situation is not the same as saying “we’re looking to get this oven, would that be ok as a gift from you?” directly to the offerer.

Exactly.

I agree.

It sounds like they're waiting for you to say "we would like this" and then they will pay for it.

Totally understand that they don't necessarily want to pass £1000 over for no particular thing. It's very easy to see the money just sliding into everyday expenses there.

They just want you to say "We would like X (value up to £1k) for our wedding present" and then they'll buy it. If you do that and they don't then that is different.

My parents offered to buy us a sideboard. At the time we were living in a 1 bed furnished flat. When we moved here, 5 years later, and had space, I spoke to them and said "We would like this sideboard. Are you happy to buy it?" and they said "yes". They were not offering to give us the money immediately-and if they had then it wouldn't have really felt like they bought it as the money would have been ours for so long.

Stuff like this is really frustrating!
One of my grandparents gave my first child £1000 when they were born, obviously very generous and has been deposited into his bank account.
14 months later we had our second and last; the same grandparent immediately said ‘oh I want to give them the same once I get to the bank’ but baby is now 4 months and nothing has happened.

This grandparent has over 6 figures of cash in the bank so it’s nothing to do with affordability. I’m worried DC2 will miss out and then DH and I will feel very obligated to make up the short fall.

It’s very hard to explain ‘well they did it for your sibling but just didn’t bother for you’

Why on earth can't people just be straightforward and direct?

Your relative has surely been waiting for you to say 'we are so excited and are buying a new sofa - we would love to use your wedding gift to pay for it - how would you like to arrange it?'

Surely the relative means they are waiting for you to ask for it?

And you , having not taken up the offer, are now engaging passive aggressive stuff.

You should have graciously taken them up on the offer when you were moving into your flat.

I wouldn’t have gone emptied handed so would have taken a card and a bottle of wine or similar.
If anyone dared moan about the gift not being good enough, I’d remind them that getting married is about the couple making their lifetime commitment vows and it’s not meant as an occasion just to get gifts.

*to clarify this grandparent has done the same for every great grandchild’s birth and mine are number 6 and 7 so there’s a president been set

@saraclara the person offering it to me hasn’t “reminded” me they have boasted and bragged to make themselves look better. I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”. So why not ? Why when you saw me checking out not go oh I’ll pay for it for you. My family member knows I’m not someone to ask for financial help, even they joke about it.

If you have waited 18 months do you not maybe think they are mortified about claiming that gift. Why not just say look guys I know you might be a bit embarrassed so I’ve put the money on a gift card for you to spend at your conceive. It’s a nice thought but in practical terms they will never be in the shop and call you to come pay for it will they.

@SugarAndSpiceIsNice

I would've said that we are gifting their £1000 which was meant for us but we never used to the newly married couple!

This!

I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”.

So, for the love of all that’s holy, why don’t you respond to that with “Ah, I didn’t want to ask. But if you’d like to give it as your gift you can transfer me the money, if you like? It cost £X.”

Staying silent, hinting, letting them comment that they “would” have done it and never pulling them up on it is all your decision not theirs.

They may well be cheeky buggers who had no intention of giving it to you at all but it’s your responsibility to advocate for yourself and speak up when you think you’re being messed around.

How frustrating. They are grade A dicks.

I wouldn't even justify not buying them a gift. Say I don't know why you're bringing this up again. You never got us a gift so we thought it was easiest to follow your lead. Tell her: You've got a cheek for bringing it up. 😏

the person offering it to me hasn’t “reminded” me they have boasted and bragged to make themselves look better. I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”. So why not ? Why when you saw me checking out not go oh I’ll pay for it for you. My family member knows I’m not someone to ask for financial help, even they joke about it.

Yes but you know they are person who does not take hints. My DH is the same. He doesn't understand hints at all, you have to spell it out.They didn't know you wanted them to pay for it. You have to be explicit. You have never tried saying 'please could you use the 1k to buy this for us.' Maybe they were sitting there awkwardly because they weren't sure if you meant that. If you're allowed to be too shy to say things directly, aren't they?

You're both awkwardly dancing around each other. Someone has to make a clear move. You think it should be them, they might think it should be you.

I think I'd ask for it to go towards x by a certain date. If it never materialises then you can forget it.

so I’ve put the money on a gift card for you to spend at your conceive.

Throughout this you’ve said you wished they’d give you the cash… they might not have the cash. They may well have been happy to buy you something on their credit card… I have a few friends who do similar. I think it’s insane, but they get cashback and points, and so that’s how they do it.

Potentially here your relative did know you’d never ask, potentially they’re annoyed you never bothered, and didn’t consider the hints as hints. My MIL got upset the other day that they said they’d buy us something for the baby and we haven’t told them what we want… we’ve mentioned everything to them before we’ve bought it, in detail. She thought we were just chatting and thinks we should have outright asked them to buy XXX…. The idea makes me cringe; but some people are like that.

This sounds like bizarre behaviour from them. I think you need to be a lot more blunt about it. When they say they would have got it for you, why not say, great thanks, it was £XX here are my bank details for the transfer? When they mention it at family gathering, you could be replying to point out that they have not actually got you anything. It sounds like there has been too much hinting for too long, and that is not helping.

[quote Henryhoover12]@saraclara the person offering it to me hasn’t “reminded” me they have boasted and bragged to make themselves look better. I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”. So why not ? Why when you saw me checking out not go oh I’ll pay for it for you. My family member knows I’m not someone to ask for financial help, even they joke about it.

If you have waited 18 months do you not maybe think they are mortified about claiming that gift. Why not just say look guys I know you might be a bit embarrassed so I’ve put the money on a gift card for you to spend at your conceive. It’s a nice thought but in practical terms they will never be in the shop and call you to come pay for it will they.[/quote]
You have brought up the make and model in company, as a hint. It would be excruciating to pick up on that in a group setting, frankly. You are simply not being direct. And that is down to you.

I don't understand how you didn't have the balls to say (privately) "we've found the fridge we want, so would love to take you up on your gift. Would you like to order it or transfer the money and we'll do the order?", yet you DO have the balls to say "no we're not giving you a wedding present"

And no, my family member isn't embarrassed. They simply don't get around to doing anything about choosing what they want. And I'm not giving the cash because the range of prices is too wide for that to be helpful.

I have literally pulled up the exact make and model of the item I’m looking to buy, they have stayed awkwardly silent about paying so I pay for it and then when it arrives they throw a comment “oh I would of got it for you”. So why not ? Why when you saw me checking out not go oh I’ll pay for it for you. My family member knows I’m not someone to ask for financial help, even they joke about it.

You should have called their bluff then. It wasn't asking for charity. It was a gift. Instead of waving oven details under their nose, you should have said "I've chosen to buy this with your wedding gift. Can you transfer the money over now?"

The fact that they joke about your inability to ask for money makes me think that it was all a big mind game and they never intended to give it to you.

And I highly doubt you'll see it now that you didn't buy them a gift, so better to just write it all off. But do stand up for yourself. Don't be wishy-washy, say straight out "They lied, they never gave us a wedding present."

They obviously know you well enough to know that you won't ask directly, and I doubt they ever intended to spend any actual money.

Is your spouse better at speaking up than you? If not, then you have two choices, really; you can seethe for the rest of your life, or you can talk to them about it. Also, every single time the imaginary gift is mentioned, make it very, very clear that it never materialised and was purely for show.

Whichever option you choose, you will be the bad guy. But saying nothing is causing you stress, and it may be better to speak out in a calm, controlled way, rather than waiting for it to get too annoying to bear and risk blowing your top completely.

I also would never ask someone for money, even if they had offered it as a gift, I just would feel rude and uncomfortable so I see exactly where you are coming from there.

I would also never ever fork out $1000 for a wedding present but I would have gotten them something small. I know it doesn't compare to the $1000 they offered you but I would make it clear that I felt that was far too generous and would never claim on it if someone called me out on it after the relatives wedding.

I think they were very rude to have shared with everyone what you did (or in this case, did not) give them though.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Well OP, they wanted to buy you a real gift, of your choosing but you wanted gold hard cash in an envelope

That’s your problem, not their’s

You cut off your nose to spite your face. It was silly to quietly passively wait for the envelope of cash, whilst you could have (up until the point where you gifted them nothing) chosen any gift

Often family like to give a thing, not cash to fritter away

You decided not to use that offer, but you can’t hold that against them

This.

New fridge and cooker, good quality, about £1000. You could've emailed them the details, said this is what you'd like as your gift.

If you didn't want to do this, that's your problem not theirs!

Why are you moaning that you've never received anything when you've never asked for anything?!