Why do we have low expectations of children/adults with disabilities?

[Nivealove]

Thought twice about posting this post. But here you go.

AIBU to have high expectations of my children with disabilities? Had an disagreement with one of the DC's teachers today and she thinks it's acceptable that my 13 year old should still be learning the 2 and the 10x table. 2/3 go to special needs school. When I challenged the head and the teachers, they give me some bullshit about him not being ready and they adapt the curriculum to the child's needs. I've decided to remove me child from that school. If they stay there, they would be left with nothing.

It's the same thing everyday. It's not acceptable for a neurotypical child to not read and write. But it's acceptable if a child with a disability can not read and write. If it wasn't for me and spending ££££££ in tutors/resources and not leaving it to the school, my children would not have learnt to read and write. It- instead would be blame on their disability and not because of their poor (unambitious) teaching practices. I'm not just talking about academics, I'm talking about sports, independent skills and so forth so forth.

My children have been taught by people who see my children as individuals and have high expectations vs people who see my children by their diagnosis and 10/10 my children succeed with people who believe in them and have high expectations.

When I complain to the school, I'm seen as a mother who is in denial and haven't accepted their children's disabilities. I have- as I wouldn't have been ££££££ amount of private therapies.

I've come to realise that society as whole is like this. Rant over.

Your post made sense. Until you started to be a bit unpleasant/judgemental and said things like "But I believe all children can learn to read and write". Which is a very naive and frankly bizarre thing to say. SEND is a wide range. Just because your kids are not on the severe end and ARE able to learn certain things is great, however, this is NOT an indicator of 'all kids are able to learn to read and write'. It is just an indicator that YOUR kids can. For some it wouldn't matter how much time and money you would spend trying to teach them certain life skills. Be realistic op. And try to be less judgemental

Most people (that work with children/adults with disabilities) do not try. That is my whole point. They see the disability X and it ends there.

What utter rubbish @Nivealove! That might be your experience with your DCs but it is not true of the thousands of professionals working with people with disabilities.
We work really really hard to help people reach their potential and to maintain it. But it is NOT possible to teach every child to read. Not everyone is capable. It's not that people haven't tried.
I agree that it is vital that everyone is supported to achieve their potential. But you come across as quite rude and offensive in your posts

I don't think I've 'missed your point'. I just disagree with it.

I'm sorry you have found it difficult to find people who believe in your child, but that doesn't translate to all people who work with people who have additional needs having universally low expectations. It just isn't the case from people I have met. Yes, my experience is anecdotal, just as yours is.

I understand the underlying sentiment but ”But I believe all children can learn to read and write” and ”a person who cannot walk can learn to be independent, a bit small steps, with assistive help, modifications, he/she can learn how to pull off their jumper using their teeth, tools etc etc.” is naive, at best. I can see why some posters have picked up on this and felt offended.
Some people have severe and complex needs that means they will never learn to do those things no matter now hard they try. Please don’t think it is for lack of trying. You have no idea what’s been tried in those cases.

Most people (that work with children/adults with disabilities) do not try. That is my whole point. They see the disability X and it ends there.

That's complete bollocks, which I'm too angry to respond to rationally right now.
I'd love to see where you get statistics that make you confident to say "most"

And your insensitivity to parents of children with different needs to your own (and different circumstances and needs of their own), is staggering.

It's a money problem and lack of specialist services. None of the sen schools (no asd schools here) are set up to teach children with learning difficulties beyound the basics. Most of the kids need 1 on 1 teaching to progress but again there isnt the staffing levels or money. Then you have different sen personalities kicking off in the classroom environment so loads time is given over to behavioural management and adaptation rather than actual teaching.

Most of the parents at a particular ay local school for severe sen I know have same issue as you have op - they have had to come to terms about their child not receiving an academic education but just focus on life skills.

I don’t accept that it’s just money or resource. I think it’s primarily attitude and ableism.

The reality is that in many classrooms there are children who only need simple things to help them progress and those are not being done.

Just to put a few stats behind what op is saying, in this survey only 21% of parents felt their kids were teaching potential - 79% agreed with op essentially

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.eveningexpress.co.uk/fp/news/local/north-east-autistic-children-not-reaching-full-potential-says-survey/amp/

@Hankunamatata

It's a money problem and lack of specialist services. None of the sen schools (no asd schools here) are set up to teach children with learning difficulties beyound the basics. Most of the kids need 1 on 1 teaching to progress but again there isnt the staffing levels or money. Then you have different sen personalities kicking off in the classroom environment so loads time is given over to behavioural management and adaptation rather than actual teaching.

Most of the parents at a particular ay local school for severe sen I know have same issue as you have op - they have had to come to terms about their child not receiving an academic education but just focus on life skills.

Completely agree.

@Marvellousmadness

Your post made sense. Until you started to be a bit unpleasant/judgemental and said things like "But I believe all children can learn to read and write". Which is a very naive and frankly bizarre thing to say. SEND is a wide range. Just because your kids are not on the severe end and ARE able to learn certain things is great, however, this is NOT an indicator of 'all kids are able to learn to read and write'. It is just an indicator that YOUR kids can. For some it wouldn't matter how much time and money you would spend trying to teach them certain life skills. Be realistic op. And try to be less judgemental

How do you know my children aren't at the severe end?

All children can learn how read and write-to an extend. There are just at different levels on how they could achieve that. Maybe I am naive and of course every SEN child is different and have different levels of cognition. But, I used to work with children/adults who sustained traumatic brain injuries and children who have profound multiple learning difficulties-at a rehabilitation centre where the focus was on using AAC for communicating and writing. It was tough but the progress they made are outstanding.

I have a couple of friends whose teens (non verbal children)n) never knew that using, knowing and learning about AAC devices could have been an option for their children. AAC is just one example, but this happens time and time again.

Every child should be supported to reach their own full potential. However we have to accept that potential is a very individual thing and we can’t judge every child by the same standards

I have 2 children who fall into the PMLD category. One is more able than the other. He has progressed well though he cannot read and write and will never be able to do so. The other one still has the development of a v young child ( think a few month old baby level). He communicates of course by crying and body language etc and we understand each other well but with all the input he gets at home and at school he is never going to make massive progress. That is not defeatist just reality. We strive to give him the v best quality of life we can and stimulate him as much as humanly possible and to be honest I find your posts a bit offensive although I refuse to be judged on the parenting of my children by anyone who hasn't lived my life.
I always think about this when I see those inspirational stories about disabled people climbing kilimanjaro etc . You know those stories of amazing people who overcome incredible odds and hurrah for them. I salute them each and every one but the key to achieving such things is the brain development that underpins it. Sadly some peoples brains are too damaged or are being continually damaged to gain such skills as reading . Yes we should encourage them to achieve the maximum possible but to imply it is lazy teaching and parenting that prevents that is frankly nonsense.

I'm not judging anyone :S and certainly not judging parents. I judge the professionals.

Reading and writing is one example. It also comes down to life skills, communication etc. The list is endless. Our children may have different needs but please remember that us, SEN parents are going through the same journey.

You may not mean to judge but your posts very much come across that way.

I would also argue we aren’t all going through the same journey. The journey will be very different for every family and to argue we are all going through the same journey also suggests it’s a one size fits all thing which it isn’t.

We may be on the same overall journey but the route to the end of that never ending journey is very different for everyone

We may be on the same overall journey but the route to the end of that never ending journey is very different for everyone

Of course and that's what I meant.

...as I said on many of my posts. Every parent of a child with an SEN child has many hopes and dreams for their kids. One could be for their child to have GCSE's, one could be for their child to have some level of independence, better communication skills and this may change. I am not judging that.

However, I stand by my point that most professionals-and I'm including teachers in this brackets, and even society (definitely) have low expectations of children/adults with disabilities. That is the reason why a huge amount of parents are going the SEN Tribunal Appeal Process.

@Sirzy

You may not mean to judge but your posts very much come across that way.

I would also argue we aren’t all going through the same journey. The journey will be very different for every family and to argue we are all going through the same journey also suggests it’s a one size fits all thing which it isn’t.

We may be on the same overall journey but the route to the end of that never ending journey is very different for everyone

good post and sums it up well.

@Nivealove I think you're a bit naive, tbh. DD1 has SEN, at special school. She can decode some text, but that alone isn't 'reading'. Largely, she recognises the beginnings of words and plumps for the word that she remembers that looks like that. Beyond that, her inference skills are very weak, so she often doesn't understand the text she's decoded.

What disables her more, though, is the combination of a lack of danger awareness, impulsivity, and curiosity. You can train someone in specific behaviours, but you can't train them out of those things. She simply can't recognise the potential consequences of an action unless she's been taught discretely about it. She can't be left alone at the age of 15 because she would be a danger to herself.

She was toilet trained in a matter of days - 'DD1, we're not wearing nappies any more'. But she still had to be watched like a hawk because she would impulsively turn her potty over after she'd done a wee or poo (slightly hypermobile and only an upstairs toilet at the time).

Children with SEN are often complex and it isn't simply a case of 'teaching'. It's about dealing with their whole person.

Even in special schools there will become a, wide range of ability my son has just started at his special high school, in my l3a we have two sen primary school, s and two sen high schools, the special primary school he went to was more for children with moderate disabilities, and many children did learn to read and write
It became apparent my sons disabilities were more complex, so hes now at the high school for children with more severe needs, and even at this school, the children have a range of ability.

But I believe all children can learn to read and write.

Hahahahahahaha.

I give you full permission to try and teach our 12 year old. He is at the severe end of the spectrum with learning disabilities. He doesn't even understand the concept of communication, let alone know that there is a written format. To be honest, I'll be happy if he learns to scoop food with a spoon rather than his fingers.

Reading some of the responses, however, I now understand why our son was award the maximum levels of DLA (both care and mobility) through to age 16 while others battle for an award. Our son is simply that disabiled.

I get what you are saying.
My sister is disabled, all through schooling was a list of ‘can’t do’. No qualifications, no expectations and learned dependence. Around the age of 30 (how sad) we discovered through college there were things she could do (with support). Her independence has increased so much it’s amazing. She’s even left supported housing. Potential varies, but reaching it is so important for happiness.
My middle child is also disabled. I ended up removing her from school entirely as part the problem was the environment. She wasn’t learning to talk in person due to the emotional toll. Now she’s at home calm she’s not only verbal but stims less

I think its important to have appropriate expectations.
It can be devastating for a young person with learning difficulties who has always been told "never let it hold you back" or "you can achieve it if you just work harder" when they end up failing exams even in subjects they love, because parents who feel like they are doing the right thing fail to manage their expectations.

I have had to really spell this out to certain family members because I KNOW my son is brilliant, but they arent the ones holding him crying after failed exams, because he couldnt infer or read between the lines for exam questions. These are hard.
I think its massively important to remind children that it isnt that they can achieve anything they want, and rather what they can do and what they can achieve matters.

People can still have a very fulfilled life and they can work and have relationships even without academic success and vice versa.

@Sirzy

You may not mean to judge but your posts very much come across that way.

I would also argue we aren’t all going through the same journey. The journey will be very different for every family and to argue we are all going through the same journey also suggests it’s a one size fits all thing which it isn’t.

We may be on the same overall journey but the route to the end of that never ending journey is very different for everyone

This ^

You ARE being judgemental and also incredibly offensive to the hundreds of thousands of professionals that slog their guts out in under-resourced education and health settings day in and day out.

I think all people are different in what can be achieved and what should be aimed for. Certainly I have witnessed those in education not seemingly expecting, aiming for and positively encouraging enough from an individual child and seemingly not realising what an individual could be capable off.
It is upsetting and it must be even more so when it is your child .

There will always be many children, who's physical and cognitive disabilities are so severe that they just can't be taught to read and write. Or communicate in anyway other than maybe smiling/ crying. It doesn't mean their parents haven't tried hard enough.