Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

There isn’t a problem with him going to an event without his dp and child per se.

But there is a big problem with everything else you’ve said.

[quote Overandonefor]@TinnedPotatoesRock care to elaborate?[/quote]
He's up to his eyes in debt. You're unemployed. He's a selfish prick. Etc etc

It wouldn't bother me if he went to a wedding without me and the baby under normal circumstances.
That is not the issue here, he is a total flake you'd be better cutting your losses, he is never going to change or grow up.
You'd probably be in a better position financially with no stresses around his selfish attitude.

You are both irresponsible. You quit your job without another to go to and then found out you were pregnant. Presumably you didn’t plan this? His entire income goes on debt? He needs to get a proper debt management plan in place so that he can contribute to the upkeep of his family. Both of you need to sort yourselves out, stop making terrible decisions and start behaving like responsible adults.

@Embroidery

Hes a adult and has a reasonable right to go to what he wants to, as do you. If you split he will be doing his own thing all week every week and every other weekend. Youre too controlling.

What, using OP’s savings?

He is a cock lodger and he wants to spend your money on going away and having a good time himself. I don't know how you can put up with paying for 99% of everything.

OP your anger is sooo misdirected.

Let’s start with… “I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.”

So at this point, everyone can see it is not financially viable nor appropriate for him to go to wedding. He cannot afford to fund it himself, and you are using your savings to fund everything including buying your child essential clothing for the winter.

But then… “he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry”
Errr what? So if you aren’t going to give him the money, he expects his parents to stump it up? Why? He’s in debt, so he has to forgo luxuries like attending a wedding, until such a time where he has repaid these debts.

Lets move onto… “I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass”
It’s not really out of his own pocket is it as it’s likely a credit card or overdraft, and then it’s you bank rolling him as he’s chosen to spend money on unnecessary travel to a wedding rather than paying his DEBT PAYMENTS. Wtf?

“I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.” Well he is continuing to rinse you financially, whether you lend him money or not.. because you’re still doing the food shop for you all, covering expenses, paying for everything for your shared child.

So yes, other posters are right in saying that you honing in on the fact he’s leaving you for a weekend is the least of your problems here! If money wasn’t an issue, he was financially responsible, not in debt, not absolutely SPONGING OFF YOU, then I wouldn’t really see a major problem with him going. I get that a weekend without any support can be challenging with a baby of any age (I am a single parent), but it’s not like she’s a newborn.

You are being unreasonable to stay with this man and continue to put yourself and your child in a financially vulnerable position. You said you’ve got enough money tk make sure she has everything she needs, but what happens when your savings run out?

This pathetic excuse of a “man” is in (what sounds like) significant debt, he is taking money from you or his parents, he is actively choosing to not make his payments to clear his debt and spending the money elsewhere.. at this rate he will never clear his debt! This situation will not improve.

Free cycle pages are excellent for baby clothes I'm always surprised at people's generosity.

@Overandonefor

Guess my point is if it was a wedding in the country I would understand more. The fact that he is going away on a plane is crazy to me

Ermmmm Scotland is in the country he could get a train if he wishes it's just flying is usually quicker!

You don't want to put your baby in nursery? Umm, honey, I don't think you have that LUXURY of a choice. You do what you have to do to pay the bills. You need to step up and be a mature adult here and that means providing for your baby. Many women do not have the luxury of being a SAHM, you are one of them. It's not like you have a choice here. Beggars can't be choosers. And all your choices, including bailiffs, debts, people coming and going knocking on the door for repossessions, arguments etc ARE AFFECTING THE BABY. Babies pick up on the stress. I cannot believe you can't understand how this is a toxic environment and damaging for the baby. How can you not see this? You have no income and your deadbeat cocklodger partner doesn't even see his money. So, you need to get a job. Because right now if you refuse to put the baby in nursery and get a job to provide some sort of a life for her, you are as financially deadbeat as her father.

Let's be honest, she's not getting maintenance out of this prick.

I agree but she'll still be better off without being with him and subsidising his spendthrift, irresponsible ways

I thought you'd no family why can't you go to your parents?

I dont feel comfortable putting my baby into a nursery so young!

It's not that young! But if that's your decision then I'm afraid I agree with several pps that you're not hugely more responsible financially than he is, the spending hundreds on clothes for a 9 month old I also agree is foolish. They're barely in clothes 2-3 months at this stage before outgrowing them. Either you bought loads OR you bought from expensive brands or possibly a combination. Both are unnecessary.

If you're not working are you getting uc? If not why not?

I believe if you're a single parent you can claim benefits without needing to look for work until they're of school age.

No longer the case that was under legacy benefits but stopped being the case some time ago even under those

Now it's if child is under 1, when child between 1 and 3 claimants are expected to at least prepare to return to work and when the child is 3 they are expected to start job hunting and meet criteria on this.

Quite honestly being home with baby for a full year even if that's due to being on mat leave is a fairly recent thing. I certainly couldn't have done that with dd. She's 20, but also friends and family with younger children mostly went back to work around the 6 month mark as that's usually when full pay for mat leave ends.

You really need to sit down and carefully look at all your actual options op rather than rebuffing every suggestion we make.

You can get out of this situation but the only person that can get you out of it is you.

It's far from ideal for a number of reasons.

But there are things you can do to improve things if you only accept that is the case and stop resisting common sense suggestions.

Quite honestly if you were my dd I'd be advising you move back home for support and to get away from this unequal relationship, get childcare organised (it can take a few months to find a setting you like and organise the admin etc anyway), and once childcare in place you can start job hunting.

That you have savings shows you have some financial savvy you need to get back to being that person.

Then once you have childcare and a job in place you'll be better situated to find a place of your own to live too.

It won't all happen overnight but you do need to get started

There are 2 separate issues here.

The money issue would absolutely piss me off and I'd refuse to keep bailing him out.

The going to a wedding without me wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It's not like it's a newborn waking every 3 hours through the night. I'd be fine with staying home with the baby while DH went.

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

Why are you with this loser?

He's not a good partner, he's not a good dad.

What is so great about him?

YABU to think that you shouldn't;t be left alone with a 9 month old- lots of people look after babies by themselves for various reasons.

YABU to class Scotland as being 'out of the country'

YABU to stop him going to the wedding alone- you told him he could go and you told him you and the baby wouldn't be coming

YANBU to be annoyed with his shit money management skills.

OP people are telling you to wake up, and they are right. Your partner is a complete waste of space.

The money you are lending him is not a loan, you are never getting it back. What is he doing to get out of the debt he is in and why is he in it?

Stay with him and you will have a wrecked credit score and eventually be bankrupt.

It sounds like economic abuse which is now recognised in law as a form of domestic abuse.
Get in touch with the charity [[https://guide.survivingeconomicabuse.org/
Surviving Economic Abuse]].
If you are the victim of any form of domestic abuse the local council is required to rehouse you. This would probably be in emergency housing at first but it would get you out and give you the chance to make a fresh start for you and your baby.

He is financially abusing you plus lying

😱 man goes on a plane to scotland whilest he has 9 month old baby at home! Shocking!!!

Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Did you expect to be joint at the hip when you had a baby?

Who is actually paying for living expenses. No rent as living with his parents. What about food and fuel bills. Who pays for these. Council tax?

@Hoppinggreen

Use the opportunity to get ready to leave him

This 😬

Of course there’s no issue of him going to the wedding alone, the issue is with his lying and his debt. He obviously has no respect for you if he can keep lying to you?

Let him go, pack his bags when he’s gone. Unless your happy living with someone who will continue to tell lies and get you into more debt.

[quote Overandonefor]@RedToothBrush but that is the thing he doesnt have the finances for even going on his own! He has just found out he is behind in another massive payment and now owes a couple more thousand onto his already growing debt[/quote]
Cut your losses and extricate yourself from his mess. He will never be a contributor to anything and will always be a drain. He doesn't care about your DC's future at all and has no respect for you.

Agree with pp, the wedding is the least of your worries.

Him going to the wedding is not the issue here. It's just one weekend, he's entitled to go, and you told him he could. Leaving you and a 9 mth old alone for a weekend shouldn't be an issue (and vice-versa if you wanted to go to a wedding without him).

The issue here is the money, and the lying. He's financially irresponsible.

@77kidsandcounting

😱 man goes on a plane to scotland whilest he has 9 month old baby at home! Shocking!!!

Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Did you expect to be joint at the hip when you had a baby?

Do you always miss points even when they're the size of the Blackwall Tunnel?

What happens when your savings run out op? He's not going to magically step up and start paying for things is he?
He's not even using this time to get his debt down, you said his debt has got bigger.
So where's all his money going? Do you even know?

What if, once your savings run out, he kicks you out and you're left with a baby, no home and no money.
You worked hard to save that money, it was your safety net and you're frittering it away on a complete waste of space.

@Embroidery

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!! I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Work on your relationship and dont bite off nose to spite face. Youre in the wrong on this one and too controlling. He should get a job. Why doesnt he work? How do you have savings, you earn well or have things changed? Is it temporary?
Sometimes MN is a dangerous damaging place.

So should stay with a financially incontinent partner so can provide childcare?

Probably cheaper (and more reliable) to find a good nursery...