Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

www.stepchange.org/

He needs to contact this charity to get help with his debt management

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Suggest you look at this site for advice on money management and ideas for saving costs

@Overandonefor

Also would like to add none of this will affect my dc. As I previously posted everything I do I put dc first unlike their dad I have no clothes or belongings myself but that is fine because all my money goes towards dc

No it's not fine, and you know it's not fine. Especially when it's not even necessary. If you went back to work you'd be in a much better position.

Most mothers work. Your child will be absolutely fine in nursery but will not necessarily be fine with a mother who's bankrolling a deadbeat even while she has no income herself. Not having to use a nursery is a luxury and you simply do not have it. If you were on mat leave you'd be going back soon anyway. Like jillions of other mothers who need to work.

You need to stop this narrative that things are somehow OK if you're helpless and on the bones of your arse, or that it's somehow noble. There's nothing noble about perpetuating this horrible situation.

Yabu, he wanted you all to go. Shouldn’t have borrowed the money for it but it's not as though he didn't want you to come.

What if, once your savings run out, he kicks you out and you're left with a baby, no home and no money.

What if he kicks you out without a baby?

Hopefully he has bought a one way ticket, you and the baby deserve better than this selfish bloke.

I understand how you’ve got to this place in your head about the wedding. But you’re expecting him to behave like a mature and responsible person - and he’s not.

He is a net taker. He sounds like he costs you more than any benefits he brings to the relationship. So you’re at the bottom of a pile. After debt, his family, his wants.

You can untangle yourself from this. Having savings is great. Like you say you’re already doing all the providing for your baby. There are bound to be places that can help - home start or the like - get you on your own two feet with the baby and then support you back to work.

He isn’t going to change. His family sound hideous too. But you have choices and options even if you can’t quite see them at the minute.

Anyone can get into debt but he sounds really financial irresponsible and like he absolutely hasn’t learned his lesson. I would absolutely not marry him, get tied to a house with him, have any more children with him or give up my job.

If he seeks help from a debt charity they will help him get on track so he can cover his and his child's regular living costs while paying down his debt. He can do this now, or after he has drained all your savings. Now is better!

We'll done in refusing to bail him out from your hard-earned savings. You probably need to stop feeding him from them, too. I doubt anything less will pull him up as sharply.

@77kidsandcounting

😱 man goes on a plane to scotland whilest he has 9 month old baby at home! Shocking!!!

Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Did you expect to be joint at the hip when you had a baby?

10 quid you failed reading comprehension at school.

You both sound really immature and as bad as each other. How has he got into so much debt whilst living with family? Why does he seemingly not care about getting into even more debt just to go to a wedding? Why did you tell him you’d respect his decision to go when you clearly don’t? Why do you feel you can’t cope with a 9 month old baby alone? Why did you suddenly decide to chuck your job in? Who spends £200 at a time on clothes for a baby when they’re having financial problems?

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

Jesus OP.

How soon can you get back to work?
You need your financial independence back, & to not whittle away any more of your savings.

He is financially abusing you.
What do you want to do about that?

For the love of god people

This thread is not an excuse to start prodding into why I had a child. None of you would dream to challenge a woman in the streets about why she had a baby and who the hell are you lot to tell me I'm in the wrong for doing so? My dc has everything they need so it's not like I've brought them into a lifetime of poverty and having nothing they need.

@Foxyloxy1plus1 you've hit the nail on the head. They validate everything he does therefore he never thinks he is in the wrong.

I am NOT controlling what my partner does. Controlling him would be guilt tripping him into not going (which he tried to do to me) or outright telling him what he can and cant do. Which I HAVE NOT. I simply asked on this thread if he was reasonable for wanting to go. It's not that I feel "abandoned" but more so that he just assumed this would be fine and never spoke to me about leaving us behind. Personally I do think its absurd when I know I will be here with dc getting no sleep and struggling and dp will be off drinking with all his friends at a wedding that ISNT EVEN A RELATIVES.

OK - you've said both your parents work FT - but that means you have 2 parents. Could you not leave and stay with them? Would they be able to put you up for a bit, at least until you can find somewhere else to go?

I'm pretty sure you said you were on SMP - is that about to run out? You should be able to claim UC or something instead if you don't want to go back to work straight away - but if you're able to do some part time work, honestly your baby will be fine in nursery, and you can work back up to FT.

Your arsehole partner can work to get himself out of debt - you said you aren't encumbered by his debt, so why stay with him and run the risk that you will become so?

Unless your parents are both arseholes as well, I really think you should ask them if you can stay with them for a while.

Thanks @Graphista - I didn't realise that the rules had changed around when parents must look for work.

IMO that should only be a last resort and she should suck it up and put her child into childcare so she can work anyway, and she should bin off this complete and utter waster before the baby ends up living in poverty.

Have you posted about your p and ils previously? If so , I'm not sure you are not in a wider abusive situation in which case the council may be more proactive if you wanted to leave.

YANBU, and your partner is BVU. No way should he treat himself to an expensive weekend away when he is in debt and living off you.

You and he should send a friendly “regret we can’t attend” card to the wedding couple, and be enthusiastic about their photos / Facebook updates etc. That’s a nice and appropriate response to their invitation.

He doesn’t sound like a good person to have in your life.

@TinnedPotatoesRock

Him going to the wedding is the least of your worries

👆this

My plan was to hold out until baby was abit older then try to get a pt job. I dont feel comfortable putting my baby into a nursery so young!

You have my sympathy, but my dd was in a lovely nursery from that age and thrived there. The trick is to choose the nursery well.

Any chance you can move back in with your parents op?

@Overandonefor

For the love of god people

This thread is not an excuse to start prodding into why I had a child. None of you would dream to challenge a woman in the streets about why she had a baby and who the hell are you lot to tell me I'm in the wrong for doing so? My dc has everything they need so it's not like I've brought them into a lifetime of poverty and having nothing they need.

@Foxyloxy1plus1 you've hit the nail on the head. They validate everything he does therefore he never thinks he is in the wrong.

I am NOT controlling what my partner does. Controlling him would be guilt tripping him into not going (which he tried to do to me) or outright telling him what he can and cant do. Which I HAVE NOT. I simply asked on this thread if he was reasonable for wanting to go. It's not that I feel "abandoned" but more so that he just assumed this would be fine and never spoke to me about leaving us behind. Personally I do think its absurd when I know I will be here with dc getting no sleep and struggling and dp will be off drinking with all his friends at a wedding that ISNT EVEN A RELATIVES.

Are you deliberately missing the point of what pretty much every other poster is saying?

Nobody here is concerned about the wedding and whether he goes or not, but you seem to be completely in denial of what people are actually writing here.. his financial incompetence and conscious choices to spend more and more money (that isn’t his!) instead of paying off his debt and contributing towards his child!!

Again - why are you with this loser?!?

Yes @LIZS, I think OP has posted before. It's a pretty dire situation iirc.

It won't change for the better though OP unless you leave.

Effectively he’s behaving like a single person, socially ( by going to the wedding without you both) and financially ( by chucking so much money at it and taking money from you to settle his debts instead of paying towards his child’s upkeep)
I’d be thinking really really carefully about whether this relationship has a future.
Also, ensure that every bit of your finances are separate. Do not enter into anything official with him else you will become liable for some of the debt.
I would also try to start building your savings back up again - saying a firm ‘no’ to his requests for money would be a start, along with trying to get back some of what he owes you.

The wedding should be the least of your worries, large debts and no earnings should be priority given you have chosen to have a child. Childcare is readily available, you may not want to pay for it but that’s very different.
If you want to leave, secure a job so you cam pass a LLs credit check and go,

You said you aren't a SAHM by choice, but refusing to put your child in a nursery is very much a choice. I understand why you don't want to, but the simple fact is that you can't afford to be a SAHM right now. And, frankly, your desire to be a SAHM isn't inherently more valid or more important than DP's desire to occasionally do things like going to a wedding. You two don't seem to be on the same page about anything, including finances. It doesn't sound like DP's debt is a new development, which means you had to know when you chose to have a child with him that he wouldn't be able to financially support that child. Reading between the lines, I doubt he was happy at the prospect of bringing a child into that situation, but it was no longer his choice at that point.

Personally, I think this is hopeless. You both sound too selfish to salvage anything here. But if you want to stay with him, you need to accept that you played an active role in creating this situation, and focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. You refusing to work while paying for everything from savings, and then resenting the fact that your savings pay for everything doesn't sound like it's working for you, and it obviously isn't working for him.

It’s not absurd. It’s selfish behaviour. And he is showing you - again - that he will always put his wants and needs in front of that of you and your child.

It doesn’t matter whose wedding it is. It doesn’t matter where it is.

ALL that matters is that he can’t afford to go. But he is going anyway.

You seem a bit caught up in the fact he is going off to have fun leaving you with the baby. But that is him. He’s twisted it all to seem that you are angry at him for going. It’s deflection. He knows damn fine he can’t afford it. But he doesn’t care. You have always bailed him out. He lies and just discovers he hasn’t made payments he should have. He’s in debt because he thinks he is entitled to everything he wants. He won’t change.

And as others have pointed out spending £200 on clothes for a 9 month old wasn’t the best idea. They grow so fast at that age she will have grown out of them n no time.

I don’t want to attack you as you have had a hard time from some people but you are angry at him for the wrong thing. At least the least important thing.

But you need to be the grown up here. He won’t be. So make plans. You need to be super sensible with money. Money that he can’t access.

How is he paying off his debt? Has he got a payment plan of some sort?