Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

I'm so sorry OP - yes, with himself merrily fucking off to Scotland with no qualms whatsoever, I can see that would be unreasonable.

I personally see lying about money just as bad as cheating.

There must be a way out of this. You need to start separating mentally and physically from this family. Perhaps Womens Aid can help?

you were a bit daft telling him you don't mind him going to the wedding when you obviously do.

As pp said you need to prioritise. Have you been on to Women's Aid? It could be that they can help you or give you advice.

You are effectively homeless if you split though, and tbh splitting would be the best thing for you and your baby.

Stop spending any money unless it is for vital things. And when your baby outgrows the clothes, sell them and buy second hand.

You need a plan to take control of your life that doesn't include him, i think. Certainly if you can't leave it needs to be a plan to take control of your life and your money without relying on him for anything.

If you're not married you are insane to be a SAHM and to be supporting him financially.

Not sure how you are keeping him afloat if you are an unemployed sahm yourself, have you been using up savings prior to meeting him and working. Agree you can easily manage a weekend without him, I imagine you would be better off without him full stop.

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

You are choosing to financially subsidise him OP and your resentment is growing. Just stop doing this and concentrate your time, money and effort on yourself and your child.

@FuckingFlumps

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!! I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Yeah, basically this.

I've read your posts and realise that you're a bit stuck in terms of leaving but honestly, I'd not subsidise this utter user another penny.

Keep your money for yourself and your DD's needs - if he can't control his own budget, then he'll have to borrow of M&D - that's if they'll let him! Sounds like either they've got his number and know what a loser he is, OR they're happy for him to sponge off you rather than them because they don't lose out.
Either way, they're fucking awful to let him rob you like this too.

Keep going with trying to get away. Do you not have any friends, or know any other people at all? Might be possible to rent a place together with another young mum?

But stay with this one - nah. You'll end up with nothing.

If they're all fecking off to Scotland, then it would be a REALLY good time to get all your ducks in a row while they're away (if baby sleeps long enough) and get ready to leave whenever it becomes possible.

I think you both sound as bad as each other. You both want your own way. You told him to go on his own but now you've changed your mind. You both need to take responsibilities for finances. He needs to shape up and tackle his debts . And you certainly can't afford to be a SAHM.

YABU for so many reasons. First, for kicking up this much fuss about the wedding itself, when the more serious problems have nothing to do with the wedding. Those are 1) Neither of you is financially self-sufficient but you have a child, 2) He lied to you about how the wedding would be paid for, and 3) He's frighteningly financially irresponsible. None of those things will be affected by anyone's attendance at this wedding.

As for the wedding itself, yes, you're being unreasonable. If you don't want to go, don't go. But it's unreasonable, controlling, and just plain crazy to refuse to go, and then insist that your refusal to go makes it somehow morally wrong for him to go without you. If you're that bothered about being "abandoned," you can go with him if you want. Your belief that you have the right to control his activities because it's wrong for him to "abandon" you by ever going anywhere without you would be rightly called abusive if the sexes were reversed.

I don't know why you think you have any kind of moral high ground here. He won't accept that he can't afford the lifestyle he wants, but apparently neither can you. Being a SAHM is not a reasonable decision when you have this many money problems. You have a child you can't afford because you decided you wanted a child. Your partner doesn't financially support that child because you decided to have a child with someone who has crippling debt. You're living off savings because you decided you wanted to be a SAHM rather than work. It's past time to own your own decisions and the role they played in creating this situation. Go or don't go, leave him or don't leave him, but quit deluding yourself that this is 100% his fault.

Personally I'd let him go, with my blessing
And then not have him back
Simples

@PurpleOkapi brilliant post.

I have no childcare to work. I'm not a sahm by choice. We both decided since dp has the debts he needs to work and also he is the higher earner (not that it matters because we dont see any of the income). Both my parents work ft as does his. We have no one else that can look after dc. My plan was to hold out until baby was abit older then try to get a pt job. I dont feel comfortable putting my baby into a nursery so young!

I dont really know what to say about all of this. I was in a really bad headspace for other reasons including this before I posted and now this hasnt really helped at all. Going to take a break from this thread for a while but thank you for the advice

Also would like to add none of this will affect my dc. As I previously posted everything I do I put dc first unlike their dad I have no clothes or belongings myself but that is fine because all my money goes towards dc

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

What is WRONG with you? You're allowing some one to treat you apalingly. He's robbing you of far more than your cash.

@Overandonefor you can get UC to help with childcare if you leave him. You could find a childminder or nanny if you're not comfortable with a nursery.

If your outgoings are more than your incomings it doesn't matter who works.

I believe if you're a single parent you can claim benefits without needing to look for work until they're of school age.

I’m guessing that the OP and her partner live with his parents, which means that her options are pretty limited. It’s not easy living with in laws at any time, I reckon, but they’re obviously agreeing with him over the money and his spending.

If you don’t give him money, OP, will his family?

He’s not going to leave is he? I imagine they aren’t paying rent and his family aren’t going to kick him out.

Would they be prepared to care for the baby if you got a job OP? You’ve said you don’t have anyone else around to help. I don’t think you’re going to find a solution that suits you both, so your options are to stay and put up with things as they are, or to find a job, start putting money away until you are in a position to leave and get something on your own.

Both my parents work ft

I thought you said you didn't have any friends or family who could help. Would your parents honestly not let you move in with them to get you out of this situation?

I have no clothes or belongings myself but * that is fine because all my money goes towards dc*

That's fine until it runs out and you're even more trapped and can't buy your son a winter coat.

I do feel for you as in some ways you sound stuck. On the other hand, you say yourself you are not putting your child in nursery because you think he's too young. That's a choice. A choice most women don't have, most women here did put their babies in nursery because otherwise bills don't get paid. If you don't want to put your child in nursery and look for work, then you are stuck with this man and have to put up with his behaviour. You can't change him, you can only change what you do going forward.

Kick him out, claim benefits and put him on child support. You're already showing him that it's okay to treat you this way financially

Kick him out - they live in his parents' house

So you do have parents?
Why cant you go and live with them?

This absolutely will affect your DC.

Financial insecurity, arguments, bailiffs, lack of funds for basics for yourself, poor credit, tension between you and in laws... I'd choose nursery over all that.

I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred

Jesus! You're as bad with money as eachother. It's a right shit show. You spent hundreds of pounds on a 9mo baby for clothes she'll wear a few times, probably shit and sick on?! I've just bought my babies winter clothes, spent about 30-40 quid including all his vests and a couple of pramsuits. You're unemployed and in debt You're both living like you're rolling in it.

He's shit with money. Clearly no impulse control. But you're skint and spent hundreds of pounds on baby clothes so...

I don't really think there's a problem with one person going on holiday without the other and kids, we encourage it. But your financial situation and clear lack of communication is a big problem.

OP, go back to work FT as soon as possible. Your baby won't suffer being in childcare FT. They will however most likely suffer from growing up in a single day with an unemployed mum with little prospect in 10 years time.

You are young and can do it all. You can study now, start doing work experience as soon as baby can do childcare, you can start a career and earn good money.

Don't make mistake of staying with a loser, having more kids and making it all much more difficult at each stage.

The wedding and him spending the weekend away from you and baby is not the issue here.