Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

Fgs you can be broke and have savings.
She's said her savings were for a deposit. They're not just money she's put away to bail her boyfriend out when he chooses to spend money he doesn't have.

Also there are plenty of people giving baby clothes to charity shops. Definitely worth a trip.

OP - please re-read your posts.

You may not be 'lending' him any money but what does that matter when you literally paying for EVERYTHING else. You are his crutch and you are subsidising his poor financial choices.

The wedding in Scotland and him prioritising that over his debts is ridiculous - never mind him manipulating it so that essentially he is having a lads holiday.

Are you in rented accommodation? Are both your names down on the tenancy agreement? Can you leave him and stay with family? He sounds toxic and worse not even trying to better his situation

The wedding is a small detail in the much bigger picture.

Whose owns/ has their name on the tenancy for your home?

You’re worse off with him than you would be as a single parent- he funds nothing, and takes your money to squander on top .

[quote Overandonefor]@DrSbaitso it's a long story and a mixture of reasons. But basically I never wanted to stay unemployed I literally quit less than a month before the lockdown in 2019. I also found out I was pregnant a couple weeks after that. It was all such a shit show of timing. But there was no way for me to get a job once lockdown hit. With hindsight if I knew of course I would of stuck it out and never left. I could of really done with that security and maternity pay.

For the rest who asks I'm in my early twenties. I have no family or friends that can help. I am utterly on my own and my dp knows that. I live with him and his family so I cant change the locks[/quote]
You need to prioritise going back to work. There's a massive employment issue at the moment so there are lots of options. I've been hearing lots of adverts for warehouse staff on the radio and the pay is surprisingly good. If you live with your partner's family, can you get help with childcare? And are you able to keep saving?

You are much too young to have this be your life.

X post didn't know you were living with his family.

Not all private landlords refuse benefit recipients though I acknowledge a lot do, declare yourself homeless to the council as a result of relationship breakdown, speak to shelter to get advice and support this current situation is completely untenable

Present as homeless to the council.

Early twenties with a 9 month old, so you were 19/20 when you quit your job for whatever reason. Then found out you were pregnant and moved in with his family?

You do not need to stay stuck there. You need to take whatever money you have left and present as homeless.

TBH, a hostel seems better than this. At least you should be able to get benefits until you can find a job. Plus, if he has a job, he would be liable to pay for maintenance.
Definitely get proper advice (Women's Aid, CAB...).

Why are you still with him?? Have you other support? Is the house rented? In your name? Can you kick him out, or go to your parents? And as others have said - you need to get a job, being without is making you vulnerable.

I read an interesting study this week. It was about a severe shortage of marriageable men.

Here’s a quote:

“Most women hope to marry but current shortages of marriageable men – men with a stable job and a good income – make this increasingly difficult, especially in the current gig economy of unstable low-paying service jobs,” explains Dr Daniel Lichter, lead author of the study.

“Marriage is still based on love, but it also is fundamentally an economic transaction. Many young men today have little to bring to the marriage bargain, especially as young women’s educational levels on average now exceed their male suitors.”

——-
Sadly, your DP is not “marriageable”.

He’s what we call a “loser” in old school speak.

Leave. Otherwise, you’ll fuck over your future and that of your child’s. You WILL be better off without him draining you financially, emotionally and mentally.

@Lweji

TBH, a hostel seems better than this. At least you should be able to get benefits until you can find a job. Plus, if he has a job, he would be liable to pay for maintenance. Definitely get proper advice (Women's Aid, CAB...).

Let's be honest, she's not getting maintenance out of this prick.

YABU to complain about him going to the wedding alone when you already let him buy his ticket. And if it wasn’t for the finances I’d say it’s fine for him to go away to the wedding alone if you didn’t want to go.

However YANBU to complain about him going given that he is in debt and you are paying all the bills. If he is this financially irresponsible then I’d be seriously reconsidering the future of the relationship.

Never mind stable job and good income.
Debt free (bar mortgage or student debt, of course) is the bare minimum.

Also agree that wedding is the least of your worries. The going somewhere alone wouldn’t be a big deal if the family could afford it (and b

@TinnedPotatoesRock

Him going to the wedding is the least of your worries

Agree!

Let's be honest, she's not getting maintenance out of this prick.

Sadly, true, although, in theory there are options www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/child-maintenance/enforcing-payments/

Time to leave him. Go to the council as homeless.
Why the fuck are putting up with this man child?

Then move into a caravan - even for 6 months - or present as homeless to a shelter/council, you should be prioritised if you have a baby. You DO have options, you just won't bother to really do something, and the one who suffers most for your inaction is your baby. Get out of his parents' house, even with a small suitcase or clothes on your back, now. Today.

@TheGirlCat

Then move into a caravan - even for 6 months - or present as homeless to a shelter/council, you should be prioritised if you have a baby. You DO have options, you just won't bother to really do something, and the one who suffers most for your inaction is your baby. Get out of his parents' house, even with a small suitcase or clothes on your back, now. Today.

This. Not a caravan though, you can't live in them on the winter months. The parks will be shut. Just go to the offices and present as homeless. You have 3 hours until they shut.

You know you are in an impossible situation with this awful man who treats you badly doesn’t care about anything or anybody and will continue to take and demand all your money.You must hold on to your savings for your future.Do you receive CB and tax credits in your name?I suggest you try and contact your health visitor and explain what is happening she may help you.You say you have no friends or family that can help are you sure?You need to find a way to leave this is no way to live.Good luck.

OP. I’d use my savings to escape now.

Don’t wait until you’ve exhausted your savings on day to day living and (indirectly) paying of his debt , once they’ve gone it’s hard to recoup them.

And by the sounds of things you’ll end up leaving at some point.

Someone who is bad with money and unwilling to learn (and supported in this by his uncritical parents) Is no good, long-term bet for a partner. He is acting selfishly and taking advantage of you, and being irresponsible. Never apologise for being the adult and putting your family's long-term wellbeing first. You are not being a spoil-sport, just normally sensible. If someone owes thousands, they should not be attending an expensive piss-up/wedding.

Even if it is a 2-3 year waiting list, get yourself on the list for that external housing. Just in case you haven't found another solution by that time. Go look for a job as well, even if part-time, just so you can get your career restarted, limit the gap on your CV, and decrease your dependency on this man. I know you are not in a dependent position currently, but over time your savings will dwindle (especially with increasing living costs, and him not chipping in). Get out while you still have the best possible shot, and your little deposit/nest egg in place.

@Peridot1

Agree with TinnedPotatoesRock. Him leaving you for the wedding is the least of the issues.

He lied to you. He’s crap with money. He is in debt and still thinks it’s ok to spend money he doesn’t have going to a wedding. You are funding this.

STOP spending your savings on him. He is a total loser.

This. 100%.

Going to a wedding when you have a 9 month old is fine.
That should not be your concern here.

1. Why don’t you work, it doesn’t sound like you can afford to be a SAHM. Get applying for jobs ASAP!
2. Does he work?
3. Sort a debt management plan

Or LTB

Forget the wedding. The arguments have been had, the money has been spent, he will be going and you will be seething but eventually you will let this go.

What is more important: your DP is seeing your savings as a pot of spare money for emergencies. You and he don't really 'borrow' from it, because it is gradually being eaten up and not replaced. Get it into the sort of account where you have to give a month's (or six months') notice before you can withdraw. You need to have a proper talk about who will be funding your lifestyle, going forward.

Tell him now that your baby deserves a home and that is the deposit money not a free bank, you will NOT be lending any to him, no matter how urgent the situation, and you will not be able to repay any money he borrows elsewhere either because you need to get your savings back to their original level, even if you only put away £5 a week.

But tell yourself that, too. Why on earth spend £200 on clothes for a baby when you're skint? Ask on Freecycle or buy cheap things from charity shops or Facebook Marketplace. Vital expenses will crop up soon enough.