Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

You don’t work because you don’t want to make the necessary childcare arrangements. It is 100% a choice. Do you think people put their children into nursery and skip off to work all do that because they want to? It’s a necessary part of being a responsible adult/parent in most cases.

So own your choices and don’t try and pretend your being a SAHM is a situation out of your control. That’s just annoying to read.

I think you really don’t agree with telling an adult who you’re in a relationship with that they can and can’t do something. He’s an adult. If you don’t want to go. You’ve said it’s ok for him to go without you

Now you’ve changed your mind? And expect him to now not go?

Forget how you look to others.

However. Stop giving him money!!!! He’s an adult. He can finance the lot. If he wants to go.

@girlmom21 no problem they've changed quite a bit and the finer details keep changing its hard to keep up with it all. I had to look up the details but knew it was younger than school age

Op the wedding really is a minor issue what's far more important are the wider financial and relationship issues here

I don't think many if any posters have said you shouldn't have had your child? I certainly didn't but being a parent does mean taking responsibility and usually (unless you're VERY lucky) working within a budget

Which neither of you are really doing at the moment

You’d be better off posting in relationships and asking for help with an exit plan for you and your baby.

You told him to,go on his own, and now you think he's unreasonable for going on his own. That one is a bit daft I'm afraid. The useless with money is a whole different issue I'd be more concerned with that a long weekend you did discuss and you had no issue with, but now do.

OP you are fixating on the emotional side of things, that he would dare to go to a wedding without you and leave you behind.
You gave him permission to go himself so I’m afraid now YABU about the wedding.

The bigger problem is the finances. This man will not get better. Once the wedding is past he will spend money on something else and you will still be buying groceries for him

This man needs to default on his credit agreements, or miss his insurance payments because unfortunately that is the only way he is going to learn.

Do you post about this often, OP? I recall a poster who frequently makes posts, then slips in t

OP - you do realise that this is not about the wedding - this is just the latest in a very long list of poor financial and emotional choices your 'D'P is making and ultimately screwing over you and your DC.

TBH very few posters are questioning your mothering skills.
They are questioning why you would choose to stay with a loser and you should be focusing on getting out of this situation rather than being pissed off about him going to a wedding.

*the fact she’s unemployed, homeless and had a kid with a piece of trash, then ignores all advice, and repeats again a few days later.

Like, are you aware that your shit boyfriends weekend activities isn’t the crisis issue?
You are homeless and unemployed, these things urgently need rectified.

YANBU, and I would be telling him to not bother coming back if he goes.

He sounds like a complete and utter waste of space in your life.

Like everyone else I don't think it's unreasonable to leave a 9 month old for a wedding but I do think his financial situation makes going unreasonable. It's not an essential expense but he's paid it anyway because he thinks you'll bail him out. He'll continue to spend recklessly and expect you to bail him out because he has no concept of financial responsibility.

Are you married to this man?

It doesn’t matter if his enabling mummy agrees that you should give him money. He’s a waste of space. You need to get away.

The wedding is totally irrelevant. It's his financial incontinence that's the real problem here.

He's using you to fund his lifestyle OP and he's managed to secure his cocklodging position with by having a baby with you.

Stop paying off his debts and funding his social life. Put you and your child's financial well-being first.

You told him to go alone, he's doing that, and now you are taking that back. In that instance you are being unreasonable

However, the issue is the debt.

How much debt is he in, is he repaying all the debt sensibly, how long will the debt take to clear?
Does he work? If not why not? If yes can he look for a better paid job?
If he isn't managing the repayments can he give you control of his incomings and outgoings? Is he able to consolidate the debt?

Being a sahm is all well and good when finances are in place to enable this, maybe you also need to consider returning to work to rebuild your savings.

It's just the part you've focused on OP that some people are picking at. It's not really about him going without you, if he was financially responsible, paid his way, supported his child, had no debt, didn't borrow money off you and was going to a family wedding you didn't react to go to I'm sure you'd have no issue. You're focusing the energy and anger about his lying, lack of maturity, poor financial behaviour, childish reliance on parents who enable him to continue to abdicate all adult responsibility in him going away while the baby is nine months old. You should be angry, but you should be angry about the poor excuse for a human being who has gathered your child, not about a weekend in Scotland.

@Embroidery

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!! I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Work on your relationship and dont bite off nose to spite face. Youre in the wrong on this one and too controlling. He should get a job. Why doesnt he work? How do you have savings, you earn well or have things changed? Is it temporary?
Sometimes MN is a dangerous damaging place.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB?? How did I miss that??

@Overandonefor

Guess my point is if it was a wedding in the country I would understand more. The fact that he is going away on a plane is crazy to me

Scotland is part of the United Kingdom, he's not going abroad

@momtoboys you didn't miss anything. He does have a job. OP has talked about him working multiple times.

What @CarbonCheque said. Going to the wedding leaving DP and a 9month old behind is nothing.

But you rising your savings with no other income currently whilst he is in debt, sorry no. I couldn't be tied to someone like that, money is such a key feature and foundation stone to have set up for a trusting relationship that for my own peice of mind I'd need to have that security for me and the dc.

I'm not anti debt, we all have times when we need to borrow, especially when we are younger and the odd random bill comes in, but from mid 20's on I wouldn't be able to have respect for someone to lie to me and not be fully able to even clothe their own children.

"So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3"

You ARE still lending him money though! He's not contributing his half to the costs of living so you are effectively lending him £30 a week for food, half of the baby clothes spend etc etc.

He's not going to change OP and he'll suck you dry financially and emotionally.

The baby didn’t need a couple of hundred pounds worth of clothes. I never spent anywhere near that and I’m pretty comfortable.

I’d present myself at the council as homeless. Nothing can be worse than the situation you are in, at least then you’ll get benefits.

I feel like people are misunderstanding me. I am not actively choosing to not put dc in nursery I CANNOT AFFORD TO.

Both me and dp have worked it out and it actually costs me more to put her in nursery because then not only would I have to be covering our general living expenses but I'd also have to pay for chicken. So there is no point. We are going to wait until she is 3 as we will then be eligible for 30 hrs childcare and I can get a weekend job in the meantime.

And yes I have parents I never said I didnt but they cannot help me! They dont live together and have their own financial struggles. They rent both 1 bedroom apartments which would not allow for a baby nor another tenant on a lease. To sit back and say I'm just simy doing nothing is bs and I'm not having it. I have tried, but effectively am ahundred percent alone in this and have no where else to go. As I said I've tried private renting and have been constantly denied because I'm on benefits. It doesnt matter that I have savings and can afford the depoist upfront, I have tried to reach out to landlords with this, they DONT care. I have a strong suspicion its because of where I live. They're isnt much on the market so landlords have the choice to be picky