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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbour seems to have an issue with me

131 replies

Waterloo555 · 08/10/2021 12:43

No idea why. We live in a block of small flats, my partner and I live on the floor above her but not directly above.
She looks in her early 20s and I think is Eastern European.
The first couple of times we saw her she just walked past us with a stormy look on her face, didn’t smile, say hi or anything. Thought maybe she was shy or a cultural thing.

She’s done this a few times.
This morning I had my bike repaired and a mobile company came to do it. I was sitting on the bottom steps next to the front door, the front door was slightly open whilst I was waiting for them to repair it.

I wasn’t making noise and it was 9:30am so not too early.
She came out of her room to use the communal toilet and peered her head over the bannister down at me. I said hi and she just looked at me.
She carried on so I asked if I could help her with anything. She just walked off, doing the loudest passive aggressive sigh ever, then did it again walking from the toilet back to her room.

Once we had no electricity in the flat. We had to charge our phones with a socket which was outside her flat. She came back from a night out after we had started charging them, and I could hear her doing the loudest possible sighs every minute.

She seems to have an issue with me but I’ve never spoken to her or done anything. We don’t invite anyone over really, I go to bed quite early, we don’t blast loud music or anything and we aren’t directly adjacent to her either.

The other day there was a massive spider so I screamed, maybe she heard that. Same once when my partner was tickling me, but it’s not constant.
Never had noise complaints from any neighbours or the agency.

So not really sure at all. I just ignore her, won’t be living near her forever but cannot understand what the issue is.

OP posts:
FlorenciaFlora · 08/10/2021 18:06

I don’t understand the various attempts at smiling and saying hello to someone who keeps acting like an arsehole.

Anyone can have an off day, two off days maybe.

But when someone is openly being hostile it is ridiculous to carry on smiling and amounts to arse kissing. And that arse kissing emboldens them to continue.

Just blank her from now on op.

AutistAwayWithUrConditionalLuv · 08/10/2021 18:06

If someone was staring at me and I said hello but they ignored me and kept on staring, the next logical thing for me to do would be to say "Can I help you?" Or "Is something wrong?" because I'd want to know why they're looking at me in silence.

Better to say that than "What the hell are you looking at?" but I wouldn't blame anyone if they did. No one wants to be stared at in silence by a neighbour who ignores them. It's creepy and unsettling.

Schhhteeevie · 08/10/2021 18:08

@AutistAwayWithUrConditionalLuv agree.

If OPs neighbour was male and he was just stood watching her in silence then the responses here would be wildly different

midsomermurderess · 08/10/2021 18:50

Yes, @Schhhteeevie, because that could be construed as rather different, more threatening, sinister behaviour.

Schhhteeevie · 08/10/2021 18:59

@midsomermurderess - a woman who refuses to acknowledge OP in ANY way yet stands watching that OP in silence …. Sounds sinister to me

Why are people acting like saying hi to a neighbour is anti social behaviour yet creepily standing and watching a neighbour in silence is completely normal?

Staffy1 · 08/10/2021 19:38

Wow, who would have thought being nice to people could be thought of as passive-aggressive. You just can’t breathe with some people without offending them.

Pythonista · 08/10/2021 19:41

@Staffy1

Wow, who would have thought being nice to people could be thought of as passive-aggressive. You just can’t breathe with some people without offending them.
Asking 'can I help you' is rarely meant in any other way (unless you are in a shop of course!)

There are plenty of reasons why the neighbour might not like her or in fact she might just be someone with RBF. Nobody knows. Why OP has decided it's definitely personal though, I have no idea

Pythonista · 08/10/2021 19:42

Also having established she doesn't like her, the 'nice' thing to do is get on with her life (and try to avoid pissing her off)

midsomermurderess · 08/10/2021 19:43

Stop overblowing this@ssht... It's an HMO, essentially pretty transient living arrangements, this neighbour clearly finds the OP irritating or dislikes her. Why the OP should get so exercised about it, God only knows. There is no drama to be had here.

midsomermurderess · 08/10/2021 19:47

Being cloyingly, overbearingly 'nice' to force someone to interact with you when you know they don't want to is what's passive aggressive, @Staffy1. I think you skipped over that post in your rush to be huffy about others taking offence.

FrozenoutofCostco · 08/10/2021 20:02

@Pythonista

But then if you are going to scream, no wonder she's sighing'
Wow way to passively aggressively twist OP's words in order to virtue signal 😆 Classic MN
Staffy1 · 08/10/2021 20:08

@Pythonista, I wasn’t referring to the “can I help you” comment as being nice, although in the circumstances it’s understandable. It was the comments about just being constantly nice to someone in response to them being an arse, being seen as passive-aggressive.

Pythonista · 08/10/2021 20:09

OP was the one who mentioned the screaming

And what is virtue signalling about it?

Pythonista · 08/10/2021 20:11

[quote Staffy1]@Pythonista, I wasn’t referring to the “can I help you” comment as being nice, although in the circumstances it’s understandable. It was the comments about just being constantly nice to someone in response to them being an arse, being seen as passive-aggressive.[/quote]
It IS passive aggressive though. People don't suggest it to be nice, they say it because the y think they are clever and that will put the person on the back foot.

If it was out of kindness, they would get on with their life and leave the other person to it.

Staffy1 · 08/10/2021 20:18

@Pythonista, I don’t think I explained properly. “Can I help you” may be seen as passive-aggressive, but I can understand why OP asked it when faced with the neighbours sighing and staring.
What I don’t understand is how people can think being nice to someone, as described by ChristmasFluff, is passive-aggressive.

Pythonista · 08/10/2021 20:26

[quote Staffy1]@Pythonista, I don’t think I explained properly. “Can I help you” may be seen as passive-aggressive, but I can understand why OP asked it when faced with the neighbours sighing and staring.
What I don’t understand is how people can think being nice to someone, as described by ChristmasFluff, is passive-aggressive.[/quote]
Thank you but I do understand.

People go over the top nice when someone doesn't like them so that they will get a reaction. Not because they give a toss about the person (or they would leave them alone).

user1000000000009 · 08/10/2021 20:27

Just ignore her op.

My neighbour hates me and my husband. We've never done anything to him, he just hates is. He complains at us everytime he bumps into us about anything at all that's happened in the area and says it was us. We just ignore him.

LizzieW1969 · 08/10/2021 20:29

But the point is that this neighbour wasn’t just getting on with her day and ignoring the OP. That wouldn’t be an issue at all, or shouldn’t be. She was sighing and staring at her whilst saying nothing. That’s not exactly ignoring her, is it?

Bootikin · 08/10/2021 20:39

Your flats, with their communal lavatories and vanishing electricity, sound positively Soviet, so no wonder she is sighing.

No doubt she thought she’d escaped all that for sunlit uplands and now she lives in a shit block of flats with people charging their phones on her doorstep and listening at her door. Poor woman.

ThreeLittleDots · 08/10/2021 20:42

She was sighing and staring at her whilst saying nothing

I didn't read it as if she stood there for ages? Seems as if she looked, clocked OP, didn't answer and then huffed off (as is her right)

ThreeLittleDots · 08/10/2021 20:44

I reckon you're possibly louder in the flat than you think you are OP

Rubiconmangojuice · 08/10/2021 20:44

What on earth has this thread become

TheNinny · 08/10/2021 21:30

She possibly didn’t want to chat on her way to take a dump. Or have someone know that’s what’s she’s off to go do 😂 I would honestly hate this if I had this living arrangement. Especially if you wanted to go sit for ages but are aware someone (a stranger) is outside the door and knows exactly what you’ve been up to. Or possibly heard?

Either way, I’d just start ignoring her back.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 08/10/2021 22:19

This thread feels like someone fed Gremlins after midnight.

I don't wish to de-rail the thread, but gremlins are made if you feed a Mogwai after midnight. Gremlins themselves can eat at any time of day!

Staffy1 · 09/10/2021 00:13

*Thank you but I do understand.

People go over the top nice when someone doesn't like them so that they will get a reaction. Not because they give a toss about the person (or they would leave them alone)*

How do know that’s why they do it? If I was going to be nice to someone who was repeatedly unpleasant to me that wouldn’t be my intention. It would be to try and make things more pleasant for both of us and hope that it would let them know that I had never intended to do anything to irritate them in the first place. It’s horrible and uncomfortable having to live near someone that makes it clear they don’t like you when you have no idea what has caused the animosity. I can’t imagine it’s nice for the person who is unfriendly in the first place to keep living like that either, so surely it’s better to try and be civil and pleasant and hope that it rubs off than continue to be glared and huffed at and doing the same, or blanking them in retaliation?