Neighbour seems to have an issue with me

[Waterloo555]

No idea why. We live in a block of small flats, my partner and I live on the floor above her but not directly above.
She looks in her early 20s and I think is Eastern European.
The first couple of times we saw her she just walked past us with a stormy look on her face, didn’t smile, say hi or anything. Thought maybe she was shy or a cultural thing.

She’s done this a few times.
This morning I had my bike repaired and a mobile company came to do it. I was sitting on the bottom steps next to the front door, the front door was slightly open whilst I was waiting for them to repair it.

I wasn’t making noise and it was 9:30am so not too early.
She came out of her room to use the communal toilet and peered her head over the bannister down at me. I said hi and she just looked at me.
She carried on so I asked if I could help her with anything. She just walked off, doing the loudest passive aggressive sigh ever, then did it again walking from the toilet back to her room.

Once we had no electricity in the flat. We had to charge our phones with a socket which was outside her flat. She came back from a night out after we had started charging them, and I could hear her doing the loudest possible sighs every minute.

She seems to have an issue with me but I’ve never spoken to her or done anything. We don’t invite anyone over really, I go to bed quite early, we don’t blast loud music or anything and we aren’t directly adjacent to her either.

The other day there was a massive spider so I screamed, maybe she heard that. Same once when my partner was tickling me, but it’s not constant.
Never had noise complaints from any neighbours or the agency.

So not really sure at all. I just ignore her, won’t be living near her forever but cannot understand what the issue is.

@Brefugee

Ive experienced this kind of behaviour from Eastern Europeans. Obviously it goes without saying most are not like this but I think they have a particular way of expressing when they are irritated by someone with looks, sighing and huffing and puffing.

it makes a change from the ageism here anyway. Stop with the racism.

Exactly.

And how do Brits show irritation? Looks, sighing and huffing and puffing so not sure why people are making it something that 'Forriners' do.

Brits are the absolute best at Passive Aggressive Sighing. And Tutting. But when Johnny Foreigner does it - blimey, guv'nor it shouldn't be allowed.

Even though it shows they've integrated very well.

@Brefugee

Brits are the absolute best at Passive Aggressive Sighing. And Tutting. But when Johnny Foreigner does it - blimey, guv'nor it shouldn't be allowed.

Even though it shows they've integrated very well.

I thought we Brits invented passive aggressive

Wow, this thread is so revealing.
"We didn't leave the EU because we are racist and xenophobic and insular."
"We know most of us don't speak a foreign language but that doesn't make us paranoid at all when someone speaks another language near us."
"We know that people are different but why don't they behave like us?"
"We don't look down on other people, especially those from Eastern Europe."
"Immigrants are allowed but they have to be from the right part of the world. Otherwise they are after our jobs while at the same time they're after our welfare system."

This thread feels like someone fed Gremlins after midnight.

And they have to be happy and smiley at all times

@ChristmasFluff

I'd recommend being bloody nice to her. I do this all the time - if someone is horrible to me, I nice them to death. Not in a fawning way - but my latest was the grumpy chip shop lady.

Seemed to hate me in sight, nice to everyone else. I have been unfailingly nice to her, always ask about her day, make stupid jokes. And she still hated me. Granted, COVID shat on my strategy by shutting the chip shops for months. But recently, she's been lovely to me. My son even asked my why I call her 'the grumpy chip-shop lady', because she is so nice to me.

Some people will never be nice. It doesn't matter. I'm nice to them because it doesn't affect my life. Until it does.

I'm probably never gonna be her friend. But it makes getting chips much more pleasant. And we get more chips too.

Sometimes people are traumatised and their default is 'nasty'. It's a rare thing for a psychopath to act that way. So I generally assume I'm dealing with a hurt person and behave accordingly. It usually works out well.

I've never known it not to - but I'm boundaried, so if it didn't, if someone was a twat to me, I'd act accordingly anyway.

So I'd totally go against the 'don't talk to her' advice. I'd talk as I would with anyone else, any other neighbour I'd love to get to know., Because, fuck me, I like to get to know my neighbours and get on with them!

We are humans. We are social animals. Some of us have had that abused out of us, and some of us are total psychos. Friendliness plus boundaries is all that is needed.

Great attitude! I am not like that but strive to be.

I think 'nicing' someone to death is an extreme act of passive aggression.

@midsomermurderess

I think 'nicing' someone to death is an extreme act of passive aggression.

It is. And it's happened to me before and I just assume the 'nice' person is even more of a twat than I originally thought

‘Can I help you’ was because she peered over the balcony and stopped to look at me for a minute, not because she was going to the toilet.

I would just go about your business and ingnore her, it sounds like you have tried to make an effort with her, perhaps she is jealous that you have your own toilet 😂.

Not everyone we come across in life are friendly.

If I had to share a toilet with a load of randoms I would probably sigh a lot too.

@Balonzette

Are you joking? Of COURSE it's relevant because of potential cultural issues. I hate this pedantic nonsense where it's suddenly offensive to notice literally anything about a person.

What are you on about? No culture owns rudeness or kindness, so the woman being Eastern European is completely irrelevant.

@Waterloo555

‘Can I help you’ was because she peered over the balcony and stopped to look at me for a minute, not because she was going to the toilet.

That was incredibly rude - far more then her looking at you or ignoring you

Omg I love mumsnet.

Asking “can I help you” (and I’m assuming this was genuine rather than passive aggressive) because someone (who has straight out ignored you or sighed at you) is ruder than someone just staring at you and refusing to answer a hello

If someone was stood over me staring at me id ask the same.

I don’t want to live in a shared flat where it’s perfectly acceptable for people to just stand on balconies watching other people in silence and no one dares utter a word at each other

Agree with some others that she’s probably just pissed off generally; perhaps doesn’t like living in such close proximity to others but has no choice. Ignoring sounds like the best way.

In your circumstances I would not interact with the neighbour who clearly does not wish to interact with you. Ignore the sighing and just bustle past as if you are in a hurry.

"Can I help you?" can also be used as a way of challenging and telling people off if its used with a certain edge to the voice. It implies that the other should not doing what they are doing or be where they are.

I was once doing an early morning photo shoot - a quiet activity not likely to disturb - and looked up to find my NDN staring over the fence at me. To do this she had to stand on something as she is a shortass. I used the question in a sharp tone to imply that she was being nosy, which she was. I followed it up with "Is there something you wanted?" In an equally clipped tone.

I never found out what she wanted because she quickly got down.

I wonder if you would mention her nationality if she's let's say Indian or Chinese?

I don’t understand the references to xenophobia.

I was brought up in a different country. Some of my friends were too - particularly Canada, Spain, France and the Ukraine. We laugh at the cultural differences: my Spanish pal calls Brits and Canucks the Please-ThankYous because we say it so often in an interaction. My French friend teases our Québécoise friend about being more French than the French, and the Brits for SorrySorry. We all tease the Ukrainian friend for a scary dour bugger and she teases us for being gurning idiots smiling at people we don’t know. I get teased for being overly friendly and upbeat (“Ffs, Pollyanna, knock it off”) because we’re known for being Nice. The Brit member of our gang of mates gets called on to adjudicate on whether things are Posh Or Proletariat because of the crazy-assed class focus here. (We take bets. I’m rarely right)

We’re just poking affectionate fun at the social mores and cultural stereotypes we grew up around. We see them more because we’ve moved from one set or norms to another. Those exist and it’s not xenophobic to acknowledge them.

@Pythonista It is. And it's happened to me before and I just assume the 'nice' person is even more of a twat than I originally thought

Too bloody right!

@Doomscrolling

I don’t understand the references to xenophobia.

I was brought up in a different country. Some of my friends were too - particularly Canada, Spain, France and the Ukraine. We laugh at the cultural differences: my Spanish pal calls Brits and Canucks the Please-ThankYous because we say it so often in an interaction. My French friend teases our Québécoise friend about being more French than the French, and the Brits for SorrySorry. We all tease the Ukrainian friend for a scary dour bugger and she teases us for being gurning idiots smiling at people we don’t know. I get teased for being overly friendly and upbeat (“Ffs, Pollyanna, knock it off”) because we’re known for being Nice. The Brit member of our gang of mates gets called on to adjudicate on whether things are Posh Or Proletariat because of the crazy-assed class focus here. (We take bets. I’m rarely right)

We’re just poking affectionate fun at the social mores and cultural stereotypes we grew up around. We see them more because we’ve moved from one set or norms to another. Those exist and it’s not xenophobic to acknowledge them.

Sounds like an episode of 'Mind your Language'

Start doing it back to her.

I'm sure she won't notice or care. Why are people so desperate to be liked?

If you are in emergency housing (my only experience of communal bathrooms) then that could be the reason for being worried about the door being open?

I din't know. But her behaviour says more about her than you, probably.

@Pythonista people aren’t desperate to be liked, but people do dislike hostility.

I completely understand why you feel miffed. It can feel horribly being in close proximity with someone who is like this. It isn't easy to just ignore, I get it.
It's easier from the outside to say this, but behaviour like this is always about the other person. How will you ever second guess the reason,you won't. All that is clear is that she is very passive aggressive, very immature and very bothered about something in her own life. You're just a passing target as probably are other people in the block. You could try - if feeling brave enough - to just say hey are you ok, you seem really upset when I see you - next time she's about. You may get nothing, you may get something. What more can you do after that though. Whatever her reason is, it seems it does not warrant her behaviour so try not internalise if you can. Hopefully she moves soon