Aibu to think this isn’t what happens to most people?

[TurnUpTurnip]

I was kicked out of home at 16, there was no reason for this, my mum did it with all of her children, once you turned 16 you were out and we weren’t allowed back in, she made us go down to the council and I was put in the most awful hostel. My flat was broken into weekly, they stole everything and I mean everything, even my lamp shades. There was a druggy living above me with his partner and it was him who kept doing it. Police and council wouldn’t help and I was left with it for 2 years, I would come home and my door would be kicked off and the flat ransacked. I ended up getting kicked out of the hostel and evicted because I ran up so much rent arrears as I wasn’t mature enough to be responsible for paying for bills, I was suffering from depression and barely left the flat so before I knew it I was in rent arrears (I was getting HB but I think they suspended the claim at one point) I mentioned now as an adult that I would never throw my children out and they will always have a place at my house but she seems to take great offence to this and maintains that what she did was right, she also says it’s normal and happens to most people. She said most people kick their kids out and if my son plays up she will say things like “and you’ve never going to kick him out when he’s older” 🙄

My mum encouraged me to move out at 16 into my 22year old boyfriends. She wasn't the best mum sadly. Very low contact with her now as an adult. But funnily enough she's a very loving and caring grandmother

Not normal at all. Why do still stay in contact with her? She is toxic.

Not normal at all! If she had trouble feeding, housing, and clothing her children, she could have had you all find jobs and start contributing financially, but to just kick you out for no reason? That's a heartless thing for a parent to do, imo. Abusive, even. I wouldn't have much of a relationship with my parents, if they'd done that to me and wouldn't even admit it wasn't a good choice or apologise for it.

The only reason I'd think it acceptable would be if the teenager was dangerous and a real threat to the rest of the family, and even then it should only be as a last resort.

That is truly awful and I would say you have survived what she did to you so you’re a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for.
I would distance myself from her and try and get therapy, connect with others through groups. Don’t let her lack of aspiration and take you down

my parents moved abroad when I was 18.
They are adamant I didnt want to go - welll ... I was working and had a boyfriend
mum now says things like "well you could have gone to University couldnt you"
erm no ?
They view it polar opposite to sis and i who had to be adults from an early age.
I 100% agree i baby my adult daughter but i want her to know she is always my priority as I was no ones

My dh comes from a poor family. He left at 16.
The family did not support anyone over 16 t9 live at home.
You became an adult earner.
My dh did not have to.leave home. He chose to . However,he was considered an adult then.with no route to higher or further education .
I dont think its normal at all.tho .

Of course this isn't normal! Is she on crack? My DD is almost 23 and still lives at home. She's going to live and work abroad very soon, and has already mentioned, that when she comes back in 2-3 years time that she will most likely need to live here again whilst she looks for work here. This will probably be with her partner moving in too. They will be 25/26 by then. Of course, we will say yes. Your Mum sounds unhinged and very uncaring. Do you want a relationship with her now? I'm not sure I could forgive this level of complete and utter abandonment.

Not normal at all. Sorry this happened to you.

I appreciate it must be very tough with 4 children, but why on earth are you letting this evil, evil woman anywhere near them or you?

The fact that she still sees her vile and abusive behaviour as normal would be enough to make sure she never set eyes on my children, let alone spent any time with them
What other awful opinions are they hearing from her, on top of it being normal to make a child homeless..?

It's not normal, but it happens. It happened to me at 21, which some people might say is more normal, but I'd been repeatedly uprooted because of my father's job moves & being away at uni, & I ended up living miles from anywhere with no money, no job, no transport & knowing nobody in the area apart from my parents.

Almost immediately after graduation I was seriously ill. I was just recovering & still wobbly physically, when my mother told me that my father was about to be posted again, & had said that he didn't know where the posting would be but I wasn't going there with them. He told me face to face that he'd paid towards university & that was the end of his legal responsibility for me, so I was totally on my own now. And that was it. They were about to literally abandon me with nothing, in the middle of nowhere, while I was still convalescing!

I'd been already been applying for jobs before I became ill & thankfully one company which had earlier turned me down changed its mind & offered me a job in an area where I had some history & contacts. God knows what would've happened to me if not for that.

My father's next posting put hundreds of miles between us, so I didn't have to see them for a few years. When they moved much closer, I went no contact & who can blame me?

Not one single person I know was kicked out at 16 and sent down the Council to get a house. Not one single person in my older children's years at school had this happen to them.

I'm really sorry what happened to you OP but you can't think it's in any way normal.

No it's not normal at all. Why did you stay in contact with this woman?

It is not normal. I suspect that your mother will never admit to being wrong about this though. Good parents question their actions; bad parents do not.

@TurnUpTurnip

I know at that time going back to then the council would give temporary accommodation, like hostels to under 18s (16-17 year olds) and they were “priority” for rehousing meaning you got a priority band, once you turn 18 you didn’t get priority, that’s what it was and that’s one of the reasons she says she did it but I think that has changed now and is no longer a thing.

That hasn't changed. You'd still be priority. But in reality it means the same as it did for you ... you get put in shit accommodation with awful people around you because that's all the council can find and then they have fulfilled their obligation to you. If your mum didn't care about this then she's a shit mum. I'd do everything possible to keep her and anyone like her out of your life.

No, it isn't normal. However, my mum did almost the same thing to me and my siblings. This was in the 1970s and 1980s, so somehow seemed more acceptable at the time.
It definitely had a lasting impact on us all, we all rushed into unsuitable relationships/marriages as a means of survival. Ironically I ended up being a carer for my mum for several years when she developed dementia.
I have had to learn to move on as I was bitter for many years, but felt it was only harming me more in the end.

It's not normal at all, But I remember many many years ago, as in the 60's era.. There was a family in the street where I lived then. The family were all a bit rough,and seemingly had no morals at all. There were two teenage sons in the family, and they were always wayward, out stealing things, damaging property that belonged to others, starting fights in the street for no reasons, They were nabbed by the police many times, but no punishments at all.

Their parents kicked them both out of the house, aged 15 and 16, late at night, as they could not control them. The lads then went straight round to their grandmothers house three streets away, she was asleep, and they broke in, and stole some money and jewellery from the Gran. I don't know what happened to them both, they never came back to their home, and the Gran disowned them too.

That’s so very far from normal @TurnUpTurnip
I’d go so far as to say it’s cruel and unusual.
It’s abandonment no matter what the law says and I think your DM is a nasty piece of shit to do that to all her kids. Vile.

I seriously would struggle to keep in contact with her
She sounds vile

My mum also did this, but no, it's not normal.

Extremely abnormal, abusive and the sort of behaviour that keeps social workers very busy. It's like a conveyer belt of human misery.

I would strongly caution against keeping this woman in your son's life. She has obviously been brought up in some very weird, harsh culture of cruelty and lovelessness, and threats to 'be kicked out' will be incredibly damaging to your child.

The cycle of abuse, poverty and homelessness can end with you - but only if you're nowhere near her poisonous influence.

This happened to a friend of mine at 18 - and to her five siblings. Parents kindly drove her to the hostel where she became a drug addict.

She's doing well for herself now but it was hard.

It's not normal at all.

@TurnUpTurnip

Well I do know people that weren’t but she wouldn’t have any of it, she even brought it up again yesterday then turned to my uncle and said “did your mum kick you out” and he said yes and she said “well there you go say no more then, point proven!”

Fairly obviously, the fact that she can point to one person in her own dysfunctional family who was treated the same way doesn't prove the point. I hope you pointed that out?

YANBU, and you've had a bad time, OP. But it sounds as if you're a much more loving mother, so at least you're not passing on the abuse to your children, as so often happens. That means you have healed yourself, through your own efforts. Well done.

It’s not remotely normal. Like you say in her limited life experience and with a twisted logic she was probably trying to do her best by you. But that doesn’t mean it was okay.
You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to feel abandoned. I’m so sorry you had to navigate an adult world with no help.
You should absolutely not have had to do that.

Not normal. But its the same as parents that smacked their kids (both ends of the spectrum from mild taps to proper beating) who tell their adult children that of course they will smack theirs/what will you do when its naughty?/you think parentings so easy etc etc. Because doing it differently looks like a criticism of their parenting (in your mothers case a justified criticism).
I would personally be limiting the time you spend around her - both because she is likely to make you doubt your own parenting, especially if she is commenting on his naughtyness, and also because there is a risk your child could pick up the comments about throwing him out and that could become a real fear for them. (I know you would not do that, but children can easily latch onto those sorts of comments)