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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this isn’t what happens to most people?

151 replies

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 13:25

I was kicked out of home at 16, there was no reason for this, my mum did it with all of her children, once you turned 16 you were out and we weren’t allowed back in, she made us go down to the council and I was put in the most awful hostel. My flat was broken into weekly, they stole everything and I mean everything, even my lamp shades. There was a druggy living above me with his partner and it was him who kept doing it. Police and council wouldn’t help and I was left with it for 2 years, I would come home and my door would be kicked off and the flat ransacked. I ended up getting kicked out of the hostel and evicted because I ran up so much rent arrears as I wasn’t mature enough to be responsible for paying for bills, I was suffering from depression and barely left the flat so before I knew it I was in rent arrears (I was getting HB but I think they suspended the claim at one point) I mentioned now as an adult that I would never throw my children out and they will always have a place at my house but she seems to take great offence to this and maintains that what she did was right, she also says it’s normal and happens to most people. She said most people kick their kids out and if my son plays up she will say things like “and you’ve never going to kick him out when he’s older” 🙄

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 07/10/2021 14:22

@VanillaIce1

Normal for me and many others where I grew up. It's not normal for now all the decent kind people I know. It seems to be families who shouldn't of had kids who think like this it's cruel selfish and disgusting. It doesn't make a child stand on their own two feet, it makes the child resent them and can break them and give them serious issues.

Really? You and many of your peers were kicked out of your houses when you were still children? I just find that incredibly hard to believe.

MarshmallowSwede · 07/10/2021 14:22

And sorry! You don’t stop parenting your child because your child benefits stop.. what sort of half assed, neglectful parenting is this?! Jesus .. it makes me sad to think of how many children are treated this way and I’m sorry your mother treated you this way.

It’s not right. Actually it should not be allowed to put a 16 yr old on the street. You can’t even legally rent a flat in the UK at this age can you?

Just appalling and neglectful.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/10/2021 14:24

@TurnUpTurnip

She also brings up now that I left school and will regularly bring it up to shame me and tells random people, when I know of other people that have pulled their kids out of school for being bullied.

Ok. Hold up a moment. Don't internalise any of that. No, it isn't what happnes to most people. But it does happen to some of us, for no reason other than our parents are truly fucked up!

I was put out just after my 17th birthday, I had dropped out of VI form, mainly because they made it so difficult to get there and back

I got a job, I wasn't slumming it. I was trying.

They dropped me into a bedsit. I lived in the same house as 4 older men, all of whom thought I would make a nice girlfriend!!

I moved about 150 miles away - that was a whole day on a bus in those days. I didn't tell them, I just left.

They didn't try to find me. According to DSis (who they also put out at 17) they noticed I had gone and that was it, a shoulder shrug!

I met now DH and for some daft reason got back in touch when it became clear we were going to get married. That was almost 3 yeras after I disappeared.

My dad loved that - father of the bride bollocks! But he still got his digs in, I failed at school, I ran away, I was just so difficult etc. Incldued some of that in his wedding speech too.

DH and I both put ourselves through university., He went from bricklayer's assistant to civil engineer, site manager etc. I went from barmaid to university lecturer - guess who still takes the credit for that?

I am now 56, DH is 60. Neither of us has much contact with most of our family members, we relied on each other and rebuilt our idea of who we actually are away from all of that famlilial neglect, scorn etc.

Because I am a single mum to 4 children, their father isn’t involved at all and I have no other help with my children. So it isn’t that easy to cut her off, she is the only help I have with them so LC is the best I can go.

How about believe that you can do what we did? Set your sights on some small goals, one small step at a time and prove to yourself that you can achieve whatever you set your mind to. Tiny things, like learn to knit to big things like go back into some kind of education - you'll be eligible for all sorts of support and grants with your educational background and age.

ANYTHING! Just step a little bit further away from the 'You' that she helped form.

If there is naything I/we here can do to help just ask! I am sure that between us we have some experience of just about everything ever!

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 14:25

Wow, that's heartless and so so so not normal by any stretch!

Also, correct me if i'm wrong, but parents are legally obligated to provide food and shelter for minor children. I think kicking your 16 year old out is illegal.

Bellyups · 07/10/2021 14:26

16 is still a child. A child.
I’m sorry if I offend you, but you mum a nasty scumbag.
I’m sorry you have her as a parent. I’m glad you would never do this to your kids

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 14:27

I know at that time going back to then the council would give temporary accommodation, like hostels to under 18s (16-17 year olds) and they were “priority” for rehousing meaning you got a priority band, once you turn 18 you didn’t get priority, that’s what it was and that’s one of the reasons she says she did it but I think that has changed now and is no longer a thing.

OP posts:

Livpool · 07/10/2021 14:29

Definitely not normal. Sorry but your mum sounds horrible

Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 14:30

YABU to even still be talking to her. What she did was tantamount to abuse forcing you into such dangerous situations when she threw you out. I'd want nothing to do with her.

pippapoo62 · 07/10/2021 14:31

No it is not normal ,my 2 girls left home when they moved in with their boyfriends and my son is 25 years old and still lives at home due to his mental health . He will leave home when he is ready and not before . I was chucked out at 17 years old but after looking at bedsits my grandparents stepped up and took me in ,stayed with them till I was 19 .

Stovetopespresso · 07/10/2021 14:32

Really sorry to hear about what happened OP. She's gas-lighting you, and being defensive could be a sign she feels bad about it now. Is this a conversation you could have with her?

Is it possible her current attitude and past actions affects your present experience/relationships etc?

If so (and that's all that matters) maybe a few counselling sessions might help you explore how to move on? the NHS ones helped me a lot when I eventually got to the top of their waiting list...

REDHERO · 07/10/2021 14:32

She sounds toxic. I'd distanced myself from her, after all she didn't really want anything to do with you at 16 when she threw you out. She also seems to still take delight in putting you down. That's really not ok, tell her and if she continues to do it then avoid her. You owe her nothing.

toolazytothinkofausername · 07/10/2021 14:34

I can't believe you still have contact with your toxic mother. If anyone treated me this badly I'd never speak to them ever again.

BlueMarigold · 07/10/2021 14:36

I am sorry that happened to you. I do remember when I was younger a few of my friends being “kicked out” at 16. Some were allowed to stay but had to start paying rent so had to go and get jobs rather than stay in education.

I think it was to do with child benefit stopping so parents couldn’t afford to feed their kids anymore.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/10/2021 14:40

That's not ok at all and I'm sorry you went through that.

My ex husband's mum kicked him out of home in favour of her then husband at 16. He had to drop out of college to work in Mcdonald's to pay rent for a spare room in a colleagues' house. He spent a lot of time at my house and became a second son to my parents.

My eldest is almost 16 and to be is still a child and will be for some time. Both of my children will always be welcome in their home and I haven't lived with another man since my separation from their dad for this reason. I would like them to be independent at some point, as most parents would want that for their children but that happens when it happens.

BrendaBubbles · 07/10/2021 14:41

Not me but my dad was kicked out at 17 but in a rather different way. His parents moved one day to a smaller place without telling him! Big family though so he ended up living with a brother.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:42

And you’re still in contact with this evil woman…why?

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/10/2021 14:43

Not normal at all, what a horrible mother.

zukiecat · 07/10/2021 14:43

That's horrific @TurnUpTurnip

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, that's horrible.

I wasn't kicked out, but I was made to leave school when I didn't want to, and get a job, so I could earn money, which she'd take from me. I had two paper rounds while at school and she took the money from those too. She was, and is, an emotional and controlling bully. I still have issues at age 54 because of this.

My adult DD2 still lives with me at age 28, she has some health issues, as do I, and I'd never think of saying she has to leave.

Jobseeker19 · 07/10/2021 14:44

I think that is why they changed tax credits and child benefits to continue until you are 18 if your child is in education now.

waybill · 07/10/2021 14:48

That is pretty much as far away from normal as it is possible to get.

What a truly horrible woman. Is there any reason at all that you need to keep in contact with her? Because she really doesn't deserve to have any kind of relationship with you at all.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/10/2021 14:49

I hope my dc will have left before they turn 30 but 16 is so young! If they ever need a safe place, my home is it.

shinynewapple21 · 07/10/2021 14:52

@TurnUpTurnip

Why do you think that she insisted her children were to leave home at 16? Was her house overcrowded? Did she struggle for money?

I think a bit of all of that, she was a single parent to 6 in a 3 bed house, she said it was so the council would give us a flat because they wouldn’t otherwise.

So it was a bit of a ruse to get you housed by the council , presumably paid by housing benefit ? I'm guessing your mum pictured you in a nice flat rather than the hostel - a bit unrealistic unless it was a long time ago. How old are you ?

And even understanding her reasoning- no it's not normal . It may have been more common for youngsters to move out from the family home in their late teens years ago but that was when people were able to get full time jobs at 16 rather than training or apprenticeship schemes .

I would hope that if a 16 year old presented homeless today they would be offered a place in a supported hostel specifically for young people - but I doubt if that's available everywhere .

Original poster

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 14:59

Yes although it wasn’t pretending, we really weren’t allowed back in so it wasn’t pretend so I could get a place, literally thrown out with that as the reason, tbf I don’t think she expected me to be there quite so long or for it to be so bad, but at the time you were offered a permenant place by the council quite quickly being high priority but at some point they had changed the system and they had brought in the bidding system but I was unaware so you no longer got offered a property you had to bid yourself but I didn’t bid as I didn’t know hence why I was there for so long. Not that I’m defending it, it wasn’t a choice.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 07/10/2021 15:02

@TurnUpTurnip

you were 16..

none of this is your fault.. I feel awful for you

needtogetfit21 · 07/10/2021 15:05

Truly awful. No-one should have to go through that. How is your life now OP?

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