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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alcohol-free party...?

144 replies

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 12:36

I'm organising a surprise party for next month with around 70 guests, starting early afternoon.
It's for my DH who doesn't drink, and I don't drink, and I've just found out a relative really wants to come but as a recovering alcoholic, is worried about being around people drinking...
I know that DH would rather have this relative there than have alcohol available and I have no problem with it being alcohol free because neither of us wouldn't drink anyway, but I'm stressing about what other guests will think if they arrive at a party that has no alcohol.

AIBU to have an afternoon to early evening party, for both adults and children (there will be quite a few people coming with kids!) with no alcohol available, and if we don't have alcohol, should I warn people beforehand or is it a bit 'kids party' without alcohol?

I was going to call the relative and just say there won't be any alcohol there because DH and I don't drink and it's our party so we get to choose, rather than make them feel like it's because of them.

I hope all that makes sense!? Honestly, I've never stressed so much over one decision! 😁

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 06/10/2021 15:24

@ilanois

The only way I can think to broach it so it doesn't come off odd is specify on the invite that the party is 'an afternoon tea with tea, sandwiches, tea and coffee'. As a guest I would read between the lines there is no alcohol. But obviously you can throw whatever kind of party you want as long as it's clear to the invitees what the deal is :) enjoy!
I like this approach
notanothertakeaway · 06/10/2021 15:27

Thomson & Scott do a good AF sparkling wine. Also recommend Freixenet 0% rose

julieca · 06/10/2021 15:30

@Wazzzzzzzup I would still enjoy it without alcohol, some people won't. That does not mean they have a problem with alcohol.
I would expect the food to be better than a party with alcohol though.

Wazzzzzzzup · 06/10/2021 15:31

When i said "getting through" I didn't mean suffer through. That was wrong use of language there. Sorry

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 15:32

But it can be fun without alcohol. That's what I mean. People should be absolutely fine to have fun for few hours without alcohol...

But people generally are fine to have fun for a few hours without alcohol? It's just some functions lend themselves more heavily to having alcohol involved due to the actual event itself not being that entertaining without. An adult's party is one of those, as are weddings.

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 16:06

I don’t see why his desires should trump other people’s. The bad news is there is exposure to alcohol everywhere and he will need to use his coping strategies. For example we have fertility issues, the end of our 2nd IVF cycle is imminent and will most likely fail. So it was rather painful / difficult when l went to a wedding recently and there were lots of babies / children. But it’s not all about me and l didn’t mention it to the bridal couple.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 16:08

@NorthSouthcatlady

I don’t see why his desires should trump other people’s. The bad news is there is exposure to alcohol everywhere and he will need to use his coping strategies. For example we have fertility issues, the end of our 2nd IVF cycle is imminent and will most likely fail. So it was rather painful / difficult when l went to a wedding recently and there were lots of babies / children. But it’s not all about me and l didn’t mention it to the bridal couple.
It’s his party. Alcohol is not compulsory abs it’s much easier to avoid than children out and about in society. Totally different to the situation at the wedding you’re describing.
lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 06/10/2021 16:10

Sorry but that sounds terriible

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 16:10

@lifecoachingandotherbollocks

Sorry but that sounds terriible
A party without alcohol?
phoenixrosehere · 06/10/2021 16:11

YANBU

It sounds like a lovely idea. People can go without a drink for a few hours. Plus, if these people know you, shouldn’t most of them know that you and your husband don’t drink and will understand. Heck, if anyone is annoyed by this, just say it’s for sober October or point them to the nearest pub.

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 16:12

@PurpleDaisies l didn’t interpret it as DH not wanting the alcohol (more that he’s not fussed by it), more that it’s the DH’s relative who doesn’t want the alcohol there. So it’s not his own party

phoenixrosehere · 06/10/2021 16:13

I don’t see why his desires should trump other people’s. The bad news is there is exposure to alcohol everywhere and he will need to use his coping strategies. For example we have fertility issues, the end of our 2nd IVF cycle is imminent and will most likely fail. So it was rather painful / difficult when l went to a wedding recently and there were lots of babies / children. But it’s not all about me and l didn’t mention it to the bridal couple.

That is not the same thing and it is THEIR party.

Singleorigincoffee · 06/10/2021 16:13

We just had a small family wedding with casual non alcoholic late lunch over the weekend. Lots of kids and pregnant people and lots of designated drivers/husbands so no one really drank? I don't think I noticed until I saw this thread?

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 16:14

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@PurpleDaisies l didn’t interpret it as DH not wanting the alcohol (more that he’s not fussed by it), more that it’s the DH’s relative who doesn’t want the alcohol there. So it’s not his own party[/quote]
The dh wants the relative there more than alcohol. It’s his party. It’s his choice.

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 16:15

@phoenixrosehere like l said, l didn’t interpret it as the DH not wanting alcohol at it (more that he’s not fussed by it). More that it’s the DH’s relative who doesn’t want the alcohol there. So it’s not his party.

I agree your own party = your own way e.g. my friend who served Sri Lankan food at her wedding and people moaned about it. But it was her wedding and she is Sri Lankan descent. I love Sri Lankan food so l thought it was great! -but wouldn’t have said even if l didn’t

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 16:17

More that it’s the DH’s relative who doesn’t want the alcohol there. So it’s not his party.

Again, the DH doesn’t want alcohol at his party so his relative is able to be there. It is the DH’s party.

RevolutionRadio · 06/10/2021 16:17

You'll also need to let your venue know of they have a bar. If they do have a bar I'd put up some kind of sign with thet general message alcohol not available as requested by party host, other wise the poor staff might get the complaints.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2021 16:18

I'd like to know beforehand so I could pop to the pub on the way Grin

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 16:18

@BigSandyBalls2015

I'd like to know beforehand so I could pop to the pub on the way Grin
Seriously? How sad.
Original poster
AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 16:20

@Sunshineandflipflops

My dp is a recovering alcoholic and being around alcohol was something that he knew he would have to do from the start of recovery if he wanted to lead any kind of 'normal' life. I wouldn't leave an opened bottle of wine at his house but I drink around him, as he expects me and other people who don't have an alcohol addiction to.

I get that everyone is different but my dp would hate to think that other people couldn't enjoy a drink because of him. Have you asked your relative if that's what he wants?

I haven't spoken to them yet.

I was just mulling over ideas after another relative told me earlier that this is the reason the relative hasn't rsvp'd yet.
It just made me feel bad because I know DH will be gutted to know this person didn't come because of the alcohol. Of all the relatives, this person is the one DH is closest to.

I do have another suggestion in mind now because of all the lovely suggestions from people here. It's really helped having so many opinions and ideas.
It would involve just us and them in a much less pressured situation. Actually, a much nicer time for us all where we'd get to spend more time with them!

I called them earlier but they're working and going to call me back this evening.

Thanks again everyone. All of the comments have actually been really helpful 🥰

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 16:20

The dh wants the relative there more than alcohol. It’s his party. It’s his choice.

In fairness, it's a surprise party for DH. OP is likely right in assuming he'd rather the relative was there since he is not fussed on alcohol himself either, but he hasn't actually asked for this himself. I do think it's fair to make it clear to other guests that it will be an alcohol-free zone.

For a surprise party, I'm guessing it's likely a big birthday/event that people might travel to attend, thinking they can make an overnight stay of it etc. As others have said, I would be annoyed if I travelled and booked a hotel in order to attend a party only to find out no alcohol was allowed and as such it petered out after a couple of hours.

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 16:22

I think you have done the right thing to organise something separate with this relative OP :)

I think if it came to it they would likely feel highly embarrassed to think the party had gone alcohol-free just for them, even if that wouldn't strictly be the case as you and DH aren't fussed either.

Much nicer to catch up just with them in a more comfortable environment for them :)

zukiecat · 06/10/2021 16:25

I'd love a party without alcohol!

I don't drink, and neither does my adult DD who lives with me.

Not that I ever go out really, but I'd be more likely to refuse any invitation if there was alcohol involved.

I've just never seen the attraction of drinking, so never have.

Original poster
AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 16:35

Just to reiterate:
It's a surprise party for DH so he doesn't even know about the situation at the moment.
DH doesn't drink because of health issues, I don't drink because I actually don't like the feeling of being drunk or the taste of most alcoholic drinks!
The relative has absolutely never said they don't want alcohol there. They confided with another relative that they really want to be there for DH but they don't think they can attend as they're concerned about being around alcohol and strangers who are drinking and might offer them a drink. It's all still very new and raw for them.
A fair few guests know that DH and I don't drink but some are people that I don't know, who DH has met through his work and hobbies and wouldn't have been in a situation to know we don't drink.

I'm a huge people pleaser and hate to think of anyone feeling uneasy and would be happy to do what was needed to allow them to attend. As I don't drink alcohol I wouldn't see it as an issue if there wasn't any, which is why I was asking for opinions that might be different from my own.

Organising this event has made me realise how much I talk to DH about decisions I have to make! He's a pain in the arse but amazing at organising things! 😁

OP posts:
BurntO · 06/10/2021 16:36

If the function room has a bar it will never ever work

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