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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alcohol-free party...?

144 replies

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 12:36

I'm organising a surprise party for next month with around 70 guests, starting early afternoon.
It's for my DH who doesn't drink, and I don't drink, and I've just found out a relative really wants to come but as a recovering alcoholic, is worried about being around people drinking...
I know that DH would rather have this relative there than have alcohol available and I have no problem with it being alcohol free because neither of us wouldn't drink anyway, but I'm stressing about what other guests will think if they arrive at a party that has no alcohol.

AIBU to have an afternoon to early evening party, for both adults and children (there will be quite a few people coming with kids!) with no alcohol available, and if we don't have alcohol, should I warn people beforehand or is it a bit 'kids party' without alcohol?

I was going to call the relative and just say there won't be any alcohol there because DH and I don't drink and it's our party so we get to choose, rather than make them feel like it's because of them.

I hope all that makes sense!? Honestly, I've never stressed so much over one decision! 😁

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 06/10/2021 13:06

I do think you need to let folk know.

Maybe an early lunch time thing would be easier?

Thatsplentyjack · 06/10/2021 13:06

Hmm people will probably turn up with alcohol if it's in a function hall and you don't specify. I would just let everyone know.

Wazzzzzzzup · 06/10/2021 13:07

There is now lots of non alcoholic options so you could have some for people to make aome nice cocktails, but alcohol free party anyway is absolutely fine. I've been to quite few because some of our friends are practicing muslims and they are absolutely fun. And I am quite a drinker.

I second the message from @astoundedgoat!

Original poster
AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 13:07

@10Cheethahcubs I absolutely agree, breakfast is my favourite meal of the day but I've already booked everything and invited people.

I think it is realistically more of an afternoon tea party, but I didn't advertise it as that as I was planning on getting alcohol for those that do drink... but now I'm feeling like I should have set it out that way to start with!

Lots of people will be travelling from outside of the area so I was assuming most people would only have one or two drinks anyway.

OP posts:
Sparticle · 06/10/2021 13:08

@rosesarered321

I'd have no issue with an alcohol free party, we've been to an alcohol free bbq at a Muslim friends house, but I'd want to be warned otherwise I'd bring a bottle to the party.
Ditto, I think it's a great idea not to have alcohol but just to stop people bringing a bottle with them as a present, the wording suggested above sounds really good.
10Cheethahcubs · 06/10/2021 13:09

You could say 'Just to manage expectations, this will be a booze free event but there will be tonnes of food and a wide range of soft drinks. No need to bring a bottle. We hope you can make it'

Original poster
AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 13:09

You lot are ace 😊

Thanks for not roasting me! 😁

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 13:09

Dont assume.
You'll have to let them all know it's alcohol free.

Also do speak to your relative to let them know you have said this but also that theres a slight chance someone may have forgotten or not gotten the memo and may still show up with some.

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2021 13:10

And while most may be driving,there may be a partner who isn't and would be looking forward to a couple of drinks. So do let them know. Wink

1FootInTheRave · 06/10/2021 13:12

I would really want to know in advance.

If I was travelling I'd likely have booked a local hotel and planned to make a night of it.

10Cheethahcubs · 06/10/2021 13:13

I bet you any money people will be pleasantly surprised how much they enjoy it without the booze. I say that as someone who loves a drink.

Notaroadrunner · 06/10/2021 13:15

I'd definitely let people know it's alcohol free as they will no doubt bring some. Word it that, as yourself and Dh don't drink you are having an AF party for his birthday. That way he won't get lots of alcohol as gifts. I don't drink so I'd be delighted with an AF party.

Heruka · 06/10/2021 13:19

I haven’t drunk in years and neither does DH, most of our friends know this about us so they wouldn’t expect to be served drink at occasions of ours. I wouldn’t think to ‘warn’ people, as if it’s this terrible thing! But since you are saying people have not seen DH, they may not know he doesn’t drink? I don’t think it’s a big deal if people bring a bottle, just set them to the side and give them away to people, and have nice soft drinks to serve. But I can see I’m in a minority and it looks like you need a health warning! Grin

MrsJBaptiste · 06/10/2021 13:20

I would still go to an alcohol-free party but would definitely want to know beforehand. I'd be a bit miffed to pay for taxis, etc. if I could have driven as there weren't any alcoholic drinks.

Tommika · 06/10/2021 13:22

You should tell people that it will be a dry party
I would wonder about the wording to the relative with regard to telling them that it will be dry ‘because you and DH don’t drink’ they will know that they have been factored into this, so cover that - you both don’t drink, and also that you would all much rather have their company than alcohol …… wording will depend on personal circumstances to how much they might feel they are making others ‘suffer’ without alcohol

For the recovering alcoholic it is likely to be a matter of time as they progress, though it depends on the individual if they might never trust themselves around alcohol

Recently I was very drunk at a sobriety party.
She is a recovered alcoholic who has slipped back in the past but has since remained clean.
For a while we would not invite her to certain gatherings to avoid putting her into temptation and that she would not enjoy herself - we would often set aside for a chat and say that we are deliberately not inviting for those purposes and if she felt she wanted to then she can come as she wished (not intending to exclude her)
She now comes out to anything and being around alcohol or drinkers is no issue.

For her parties she invites people on the basis that alcohol will not be provided, you are welcome to bring and drink alcohol, and if anything is left over it will be binned or given away

At this party there were a couple of singers (one a close friend of her - coincidently another recovered alcoholic) and another who is his friend. He asked for a drink and then felt he had put his foot in it as he realised it was a sobriety party - he was given a can from another party goer and someone was sent to the shop
Every time he took a drink between songs the look on his face was a picture and he’d comment apologising

I however had no problem, I drink occasionally and not having had many socials for a while I was knocking back the cans rapidly.
When it came to time to leave I realised how drunk I was
It made the taxi drivers day to have a sobriety party drunk in the back of the taxi, and a conversation piece for future passengers

Funny choice of advert to pop up in this thread ….

Alcohol-free party...?
RampantIvy · 06/10/2021 13:25

People don't need to be "warned" @Heruka. It is more to manage their expectations, because it is the norm to have alcohol at evening parties. It doesn't mean that most people are raging alcoholics either.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 13:29

I wouldn’t think to ‘warn’ people, as if it’s this terrible thing!

People are using “warned” as a synonym for “informed in advance” rather than it being a terrible thing to have to prepare for.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/10/2021 13:30

I would probably want to be aware so I could make sure I brought appropriate drinks and gifts with me. It certainly wouldn't stop me from coming!

rainyskylight · 06/10/2021 13:34

I think some people actually might be quite relieved not to drink. I hate getting caught up in drinking and then regretting it.

I like astoundedgoat's suggestion but would maybe word it cuter and say "booze free" rather than "no alcohol will be present" as that sounds a bit stiff and formal.

Heruka · 06/10/2021 13:42

Yes I get it doesn’t mean people are alcoholics, at all, it’s just not on my radar that people would care so much either way that they needed informed - I accept I’m in a minority.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2021 13:43

@Heruka

Yes I get it doesn’t mean people are alcoholics, at all, it’s just not on my radar that people would care so much either way that they needed informed - I accept I’m in a minority.
It’s not that they’d care. Many of us would bring a bottle as a default matter of courtesy. I’d like to know so I could bring something else instead.
Lotusmonster · 06/10/2021 13:45

Let people know that no alcohol will be served or to be brought along thanks. It’s 100% fine.

Carboncheque · 06/10/2021 13:45

It all sounds good but if the family member is quite early in their recovery I’d have a talk with them to make sure that they aren’t putting to much pressure on themselves to soon. Travel, staying away from home overnight (?) in a hotel, a party (even though no one is drinking). It all adds up. It’s lovely that you’re working to make it alcohol free but I’d make it clear to them that you’d love to see them and if they feel that it’s too much too soon you could have them down to visit one weekend, staying at your house for a less pressured visit.

Carboncheque · 06/10/2021 13:47

Too much too soon

Mreggsworth · 06/10/2021 13:47

I usually attend parties with my own bottle and so do most people I know so I would pre warn.