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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alcohol-free party...?

144 replies

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 12:36

I'm organising a surprise party for next month with around 70 guests, starting early afternoon.
It's for my DH who doesn't drink, and I don't drink, and I've just found out a relative really wants to come but as a recovering alcoholic, is worried about being around people drinking...
I know that DH would rather have this relative there than have alcohol available and I have no problem with it being alcohol free because neither of us wouldn't drink anyway, but I'm stressing about what other guests will think if they arrive at a party that has no alcohol.

AIBU to have an afternoon to early evening party, for both adults and children (there will be quite a few people coming with kids!) with no alcohol available, and if we don't have alcohol, should I warn people beforehand or is it a bit 'kids party' without alcohol?

I was going to call the relative and just say there won't be any alcohol there because DH and I don't drink and it's our party so we get to choose, rather than make them feel like it's because of them.

I hope all that makes sense!? Honestly, I've never stressed so much over one decision! 😁

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 06/10/2021 14:35

Am I the only one who (when not pregnant) wouldn't go to a non alcoholic party in the evening? Brunch or lunch I could handle, but I would make my excuses for an evening even which was dry.

Friends of mine even snuck a hip flask into a Muslim wedding...

Ellarain · 06/10/2021 14:36

@LittleGwyneth, I agree.

Wazzzzzzzup · 06/10/2021 14:37

@LittleGwyneth

Am I the only one who (when not pregnant) wouldn't go to a non alcoholic party in the evening? Brunch or lunch I could handle, but I would make my excuses for an evening even which was dry.

Friends of mine even snuck a hip flask into a Muslim wedding...

That's 1- rude as fuck and disrespectful 2-material for medical intervention
Boood · 06/10/2021 14:38

I’d go for a couple of hours and then make my excuses. During the week that would be enough anyway and I’d want to go home, and at the weekend I’d want a drink.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 06/10/2021 14:39

I think it would be a good idea to tell people, not to warn them, but so they don’t bring their own drink. It sounds as though that would be a problem for your relative. Lots of people will. I would bring champagne unless asked not to.

It would not bother me either way though if alcohol is served. I am fortunate to have an uncomplicated relationship with alcohol (and really like so many things it is largely luck) in that I rarely drink at home unless entertaining, enjoy a few - occasionally even too many - glasses if I’m out socialising, but would not care at all if it’s not on offer.

I think, our present societal norms being what they are, an evening party would be unusual if it were “dry”. But your party could easily be “marketed” as afternoon tea. Depends a bit on what food is on offer.

If it’s an absolute no no that people don’t drink and do not even bring their own alcohol then I do think you should make it clear to avoid awkwardness.

Hope you have a lovely time.

LittleGwyneth · 06/10/2021 14:39

@Wazzzzzzzup I should clarify that the bride told them they were welcome to as long as they were discrete and didn't let any of the older relatives notice.

I'm not sure it's grounds for medical intervention. I've been to a lot of weddings sober recently as I'm knocked up, and I would never choose to do so again in future. I don't need to get plastered but a couple of glasses of champagne and a couple of glasses of wine makes the day go with far, far more of a swing.

TempName01 · 06/10/2021 14:40

Definitely let people know so they’re not booking taxis or hotels unnecessarily

PissedOffAgain · 06/10/2021 14:42

Perhaps make out that the function hall has a (temporary) licence issue so no alcohol can be served on/brought onto the premises?

A friend of ours had a dry wedding which we all quite happily went to and had no issue with the idea (although he also did helpfully tell us where the nearest pub was in case we wanted to pop out)

julieca · 06/10/2021 14:43

@PissedOffAgain people would just bring hip flasks then.

Bellringer · 06/10/2021 14:43

Great idea, lots of people will prefer not to drink or be around drinkers. Have a lovely time.

takenforgrantednana · 06/10/2021 14:43

watch out for big handbags! i can guareentee that they will have a bottle of something to add to the non alcohol, all done under the table hopefully out of sight

Konstantine8364 · 06/10/2021 14:44

I'd also warn people for travel plans. For a normal party I'd organise public transport or a taxi so I could have a few drinks. Alcohol free is absolutely fine but I'd be annoyed if I had got a taxi, turned up with my wine and I could have driven and saved my money!

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 06/10/2021 14:44

I do agree though about others maybe not staying long or declining entirely. That is a risk.

LizzieW1969 · 06/10/2021 14:46

I wouldn’t mind at all. However, if I wasn’t informed that it was an alcohol free party, I would bring a bottle of wine with me. (Unless I knew that the hosts were tee-totalers and didn’t approve of alcohol.)

So I agree that you should pre-warn the guests that it’s an alcohol free party. The afternoon tea suggestion is a good idea.

Lunaduckdrop · 06/10/2021 14:50

Could you theme it as a "temperance" afternoon tea and do old-fashioned temperance drinks like dandelion and burdock, sarsaparilla, ginger beer etc? Might make it more fun and give a postive slant to the absence of alcohol.

TableFlowerss · 06/10/2021 14:58

Some people like to have a drink or two to calm the nerves. Getting pissed isn’t on most people’s agenda, but socially having a few is the norm.

Is your party and your choice but I’ve never been to an adults party when you’re told explicitly no alcohol.

I think there’s a happy medium and both ends of the spectrum are extreme. No drink at all or getting really drunk. I understand the family member is a recovering alcoholic and you want him to feel comfortable (and fair enough) and yes you’re thinking of him, but be prepared for other people to feel more uncomfortable.

PostcodeJack · 06/10/2021 15:01

[quote julieca]@PissedOffAgain people would just bring hip flasks then.[/quote]
TBF I think people will anyway. I assumed that the OP wanted to ensure alcohol wasn't flowing freely

LadyMuckington · 06/10/2021 15:08

Yes absolutely agree people need to be explicitly told not to bring alcohol. I very, very rarely drink (maybe a cocktail two-three times a year) but I always bring a bottle to house parties. I’d probably bring two if I knew it was for 70 people!

Wazzzzzzzup · 06/10/2021 15:08

[quote LittleGwyneth]@Wazzzzzzzup I should clarify that the bride told them they were welcome to as long as they were discrete and didn't let any of the older relatives notice.

I'm not sure it's grounds for medical intervention. I've been to a lot of weddings sober recently as I'm knocked up, and I would never choose to do so again in future. I don't need to get plastered but a couple of glasses of champagne and a couple of glasses of wine makes the day go with far, far more of a swing.[/quote]
I am a drinker (that most of MN would faint😁) but I believe that if someone can't get through gathering without alcohol, they have a problem

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/10/2021 15:08

My dp is a recovering alcoholic and being around alcohol was something that he knew he would have to do from the start of recovery if he wanted to lead any kind of 'normal' life. I wouldn't leave an opened bottle of wine at his house but I drink around him, as he expects me and other people who don't have an alcohol addiction to.

I get that everyone is different but my dp would hate to think that other people couldn't enjoy a drink because of him. Have you asked your relative if that's what he wants?

2bazookas · 06/10/2021 15:08

I'd certainly go for a booze=free party , perfectly enjoyable ! In our social circle for assorted reasons none of the men drink alcohol at all
(health, medical, religion, a couple of dry alcoholics)

You can still have fun cocktails etc, just alcohol free.

BUT, if you go down that route I think it's really important to make it absolutely crystal clear to every invited guest, ask them to fully comply with the boozefree occasion and on NO account to bring a bottle of booze as a gift to the host.

julieca · 06/10/2021 15:10

@Wazzzzzzzup Of course people can get through a gathering without alcohol. Just as I can get through a day without a cup of tea. But it is supposed to be fun, not something to get through.

TableFlowerss · 06/10/2021 15:21

[quote julieca]@Wazzzzzzzup Of course people can get through a gathering without alcohol. Just as I can get through a day without a cup of tea. But it is supposed to be fun, not something to get through.[/quote]
Exactly!! A party is supposed to be a social event. Plenty people don’t drink through the week but like a few on a weekend… I think if you admit you like a drink on here, you’re classed as an alcoholic Confused

Wazzzzzzzup · 06/10/2021 15:21

[quote julieca]@Wazzzzzzzup Of course people can get through a gathering without alcohol. Just as I can get through a day without a cup of tea. But it is supposed to be fun, not something to get through.[/quote]
But it can be fun without alcohol. That's what I mean. People should be absolutely fine to have fun for few hours without alcohol...

Mreggsworth · 06/10/2021 15:22

Theres a difference between "getting through" and enjoying things though. I enjoy a drink, I dont feel I need a drink to enjoy a social event such as having close friends round, group sports activities, a meal out, picnics, going for a hike, escape rooms etc. Though personally a large gathering labelled a party to me would feel a bit empty if alcohol was completely absent. I would "get through it", and probably have a nice enough time. But I'd feel less inclined to stay long.

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