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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Alcohol-free party...?

144 replies

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 12:36

I'm organising a surprise party for next month with around 70 guests, starting early afternoon.
It's for my DH who doesn't drink, and I don't drink, and I've just found out a relative really wants to come but as a recovering alcoholic, is worried about being around people drinking...
I know that DH would rather have this relative there than have alcohol available and I have no problem with it being alcohol free because neither of us wouldn't drink anyway, but I'm stressing about what other guests will think if they arrive at a party that has no alcohol.

AIBU to have an afternoon to early evening party, for both adults and children (there will be quite a few people coming with kids!) with no alcohol available, and if we don't have alcohol, should I warn people beforehand or is it a bit 'kids party' without alcohol?

I was going to call the relative and just say there won't be any alcohol there because DH and I don't drink and it's our party so we get to choose, rather than make them feel like it's because of them.

I hope all that makes sense!? Honestly, I've never stressed so much over one decision! 😁

OP posts:

catmothertes1 · 06/10/2021 13:47

I'm impressed that the OP can fit 70 people in her house.

Original poster

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 13:51

That's really good to hear about your friend, @Tommika. It's such a tough road to recovery and hearing about people further along it is encouraging.
I have every faith that our relative will get the stage where there can be around other that are drinking. At this early stage, I think it's important to DH and me that we support them and it's also no big deal for us not to drink. I'd like to think our friends would understand too, if they knew why... I'm not about to go blabbing about why we're not having alcohol though! 😁

I think I'll speak with our relative later today and let them know that I understand and actually, I'd planned not to have alcohol anyway, due to us not drinking, so many people travelling, and the fact it's more of a day thing than an evening booze up!
If they still feel uncomfortable and don't want to come, then I won't alter the plans, although I will send a message out to remind people that DH doesn't drink so save their money if they were planning to buy him alcohol! (Thanks everyone who pointed out that that might be a thing!)
We really do just want to catch up with people who are special to us that we haven't seen for ages!

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 06/10/2021 13:52

Another vote mentioning no booze in advance. I'd likely bring a bottle of champagne as a gift if I didn't know.

Very happy to enjoy a non booze party, I hardly drink so would just like to know to avoid embarrassing myself with an alcoholic gift.

No one told me a cousin was teetotal until after I spend a fortune sending them a fancy bottle of champagne because I couldn't make their engagement party. Sigh.

JJ123456 · 06/10/2021 13:55

I think if it’s an afternoon ‘tea party’ then it would be fine to not serve alcohol x

Original poster

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 13:55

@catmothertes1

I'm impressed that the OP can fit 70 people in her house.

Urgh, cleaning up after having 70 people in my house! No thanks! 😁 Someone asked further up the thread and I replied, it's in a function hall near us 🙂

OP posts:

julieca · 06/10/2021 13:55

People do need to know. I dont drink much, but I never drink and drive. So I would be pretty miffed to pay for a taxi and then turn up and find I could have driven there.
Bit astounded about those who suggest people will be relieved not to have to drink alcohol. You sound like you have an alcohol problem? I drink alcohol in some social occasions and not at others. It is a choice you know.

julieca · 06/10/2021 13:57

Don't say it is because you don't drink though OP. That sounds awful, like I don't drink so no one else can.

Original poster

AhCheeses · 06/10/2021 13:59

@julieca

Don't say it is because you don't drink though OP. That sounds awful, like I don't drink so no one else can.

Fair point. Thanks!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 06/10/2021 14:04

Afternoon to evening party with no alcohol will be absolutely fine, I don't think people will even find it weird if it's a day affair with kids etc

BananaPB · 06/10/2021 14:05

You need to tell people. I would bring a bottle because I'd assume that the no alcohol thing was cost related

AryaStarkWolf · 06/10/2021 14:07

Just read it's going to be held in a function hall, will there be a bar there or is it just a hall that you bring in your own food and drink to?

ilanois · 06/10/2021 14:10

The only way I can think to broach it so it doesn't come off odd is specify on the invite that the party is 'an afternoon tea with tea, sandwiches, tea and coffee'. As a guest I would read between the lines there is no alcohol.
But obviously you can throw whatever kind of party you want as long as it's clear to the invitees what the deal is :) enjoy!

HarrietsChariot · 06/10/2021 14:15

Just tell the truth. Tell your guests that you don't want alcohol brought to or drunk at the party because one guest has a drink problem. (Obviously don't name them.)

The important thing is that people know the reason why. If you just say "no alcohol" without giving a reason some people will turn up with a bottle or few anyway, assuming you mean you're not providing alcohol (because neither of you drink) rather than they can't bring their own.

CrocodilesCry · 06/10/2021 14:15

You definitely need to tell people - if people have travelled a fair distance they may have booked accommodation or taxis thinking they'll make an evening of it and go on somewhere else later. They'd be annoyed not knowing it was a dry event and they could have driven there and home again instead.

I also think it might be too much too soon for your relative.

INeedNewShoes · 06/10/2021 14:17

I'd let people know in advance, especially anyone traveling far.

If I thought I was going to a party where there'd be alcohol, I might choose to go the expense of booking a hotel for that night so that I could enjoy having a few drinks (especially after the socially - dry spell we've had due to Covid).

I'd be mildly cheesed off if, having booked & paid for a hotel, I turned up to find that it was a party with no booze and I could have just driven home afterwards.

CrocodilesCry · 06/10/2021 14:17

Ps if you conflate the two things - no alcohol gifts for DH, no alcohol on the day due to a guest with an issue - people will undoubtedly jump to the conclusion it's DH with the drink problem.

Tabitha005 · 06/10/2021 14:18

If you're British, I think you need to let everyone know not to bring alcohol. Most of us take a bottle even if we're only popping to the neighbour to collect an Hermes.

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 14:20

I think I disagree with the consensus here, I think at a surprise birthday party for an adult, in an actual venue like a hall, people would likely be expecting alcohol. Not necessarily to get pissed (!) but just a couple of glasses to help break the ice while having a chat with people who you may not know too well.

I think it's a little bit much to make it an alcohol-free zone for the sake of one guest when there are 70 people coming. Is everyone else local or will others be travelling to attend too? I personally wouldn't really want to travel to a party where the option for a drink wasn't there. A meal or something would be fine, but an actual party in a hall? I'd want a drink for that.

It isn't the end of the world obviously, if there is no alcohol about then people will just accept it, but I personally would consider inviting the newly-sober relative to meet up the following week or something, rather than asking that everyone else doesn't bring any alcohol, even for themselves?

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 14:21

@CrocodilesCry

Ps if you conflate the two things - no alcohol gifts for DH, no alcohol on the day due to a guest with an issue - people will undoubtedly jump to the conclusion it's DH with the drink problem.

Also agree with this. I think that if you do ask people not to bring alcohol or give alcohol as a gift, people will likely assume your DH or yourself have an alcohol problem. Which may or may not matter to you obviously, but it's just something to be aware of.

tappitytaptap · 06/10/2021 14:22

Agree with this. Went to brunch at a relatives recently and had a coffee then a glass of Bucks Fizz, and would offer the same if I were hosting a breakfast or brunch.

LittleGwyneth · 06/10/2021 14:24

Tell people. I would bring alcohol to a party, and if there wasn't any on offer I'd probably open what I'd brought. If you told me it was alcohol free then I obviously wouldn't bring booze, though I would consider whether I wanted to come or not.

julieca · 06/10/2021 14:24

It would be easier to have an afternoon tea and put a message of no alcohol. You don't have to explain unless people ask you individually.

TinaYouFatLard · 06/10/2021 14:24

If I was your relative, however you framed it or whatever excuses you made, I would assume the reason everyone was denied a drink was because of me and I would be mortified.

Legomania · 06/10/2021 14:25

I think (depending on your DH's friendship dynamics obviously) that you might well lose some more peripheral guests if it's not a 'proper' party, especially if travelling is involved.

Boood · 06/10/2021 14:34

I would always assume that there would be alcohol at a late afternoon/evening party, so if it wasn’t in walking distance or on a public transport route I’d take a taxi or arrange to stay nearby. I’d be really pissed off if I’d gone to that trouble and expense and arrived to find I could have just driven there.
Also, you need to be realistic about how long people will stay with no lubrication. It’s quite likely that little groups will start to disappear off to the pub as the evening goes on. If I were you I’d bill it as an afternoon thing ending by around 7.

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